Help My husband isn't attracted to me. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

I have been married for almost 11 years. We have had bouts of dry spells and this one is going on 2 years. The time before this one was almost year. Two years ago he told me that he wasn't attracted to me and that it wasn't me because he knew logically I was attractive but he just didn't feel a sexual attraction to me, that he even found himself attracted to women that weren't as pretty or thin as I am.
I know he watches porn. And while I am not ugly I cannot compete with big boobs and perfect bodies. But I don't know what he wants. he at point told me we should separate but the next day recanted. We tried counseling, but after the 3rd session he lost his job and we couldn't afford it anymore.
I feel I deserve better, but don't know how to start a conversation. I am self conscience because I have gained 20lbs since we got married and I am starting to get laugh lines. I have body issues and am not sure how to ask for sex especially since there have been times that (More than I care to admit) he has rejected me. To be honest I can't remember the last time he didn't reject me.
He is a great husband. He makes me laugh and I believe that he cares about me. But I have no one to talk to about this as I am humiliated by it, and it is ripping me apart. I just need help figuring out what to do.
I love my husband but i don't how much longer I can deal with the humiliation and rejection at least on a physical level. And logically I know that i shouldn't let anyone determine my worth, but it is hard when you have been without any intimate human contact in 2 years.
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 03:13 PM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

So he's got your number. It's your insecurity that keeps you attached to him. He seems to like defeating you.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 03:18 PM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

I'm sorry but your husband is an idiot. Countless of men like him have rue the day that they did this to their wives because eventually these women got involved in affairs which made a bad situation far worse. But you must be firm and tell him that this present situation is intolerable and if he's not willing to do everything in his power to help resolve it, then you are going to leave him and file for divorce. If he cares for you, then this should be his wake up call to once again become the man you once married.

As far as your weight and body image is concerned, you'd be surprised how little it matters for many of us men. I'd take a curvaceous woman over an androgynous looking anorexic woman any day of the week. And I'm not the only man with this view. Chances are good that if you were to dress up, put on make up, and go out for a stroll where men can be found in groups, that you'd get a quite a few whistles from some guys. You should lose weight not for enhancing your attractiveness but to improve your physical and emotional health.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 04:00 PM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

believe me I understand how it feels to be sexually rejected. my situation is a little more different ( my husband is bi-curious), but at the end rejection is a rejection and it feels horrible. have you tried joining your husband while he is watching porn?, he might really enjoy the idea? you can say" hey lets watch it together and then you can demonstrate which part of the movie you liked the most on me?" maybe he just wants to try new things.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 04:35 PM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

You have it right when you say that you shouldn't let anyone else determine your worth. One of my favorite quotes about this:

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

So, stop giving your consent. Get yourself together and start doing some things for you. Get out of the house and do some things with your friends. Revive some old hobbies, or get some new ones. Take a walk everyday, concentrate on yourself and your kids (if you have any). Get a new hairstyle, buy some new shoes.

And, when you're ready, you'll have to have a talk with your husband about what you're willing to live with and not - and he can come along for the ride ... or not.

Best wishes.

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 07:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

Thanks for all your encouraging words. I know that I should grow a pair and say all of the things that need to be said. I hate being weak. All of my friends think I am so lucky because in every way he is wonderful. He cooks, cleans, he is funny and easy going. And just when I think that I have finally had enough of everything and I am going to talk to him he does things like use his bonus to buy me a laptop or wash my car, or hang my shower curtain or he volunteers to go to my Grandma's to do yard work or even tell my brother to move in with us while he gets his life together. Then I feel horrible that my only issue is the fact that he won't have sex with me. I mean I have friends that are miserable and have all sorts of issues and I only have one. It is just so hard. And I honestly think I am just as scared that if I push he will decide to leave. Pathetic huh? I know. And if you knew me that doesn't sound like me at all!
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 08:30 PM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

The expression I've heard was something like "sex is only 10% of the marriage. Unless you're not happy with the situation; then it's 90%". Lack of intimacy (not just sex) affects you in so many ways. And a spouse that says they love you yet refuses to work with you on something that's clearly an issue is NOT demonstrating that love in a very significant manner.

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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 10:11 PM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.


Do you have any children? If not, It will be easier to leave.
You are not Pathetic, Nor it is your fault. I am having a similar issue with my husband. Very similar to yours. So I guess I am not the best source for advice. But, Just know that you are not alone. I wish you all the best. And It's not our fault. He shouldn't say things like I am not attracted to you. That's a horrible thing to say to a person.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 12:23 AM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

I wouldn't give up hope just yet. There is free couples counseling everywhere.

IMO though, you should look at things from a biological or primitive standpoint. I know I may seem crude, but a lot of this is normal (or was 5000 years ago). Let's have a gander, shall we?

Males and females, sexually, are attracted to each other in a lustful way for about a year (maybe a little under). This is intended to be enough time to get her pregnant. During this period, the guy is going to want to want to have sex quite a bit and you are going to want it, too.

After about a year, things are going to cool down. You will still want to do it, but he will want it less. This is the period when he will feel affection strongly for you. This is intended to be the time that he looks after you and the newborn. You also will mirror the affection, most likely.

After 2-3 years, things generally begin to decline in the bedroom. This is because, biologically and primitively, it is time for him to move on and get someone else pregnant (or to get you pregnant again.) Now, that isn't the way we work anymore, but our latent 5000 year old urges don't recognize that yet.

The good news is that these feelings are easy to overcome if you realize what they are. As a male, I know what is happening internally. There is a tug, yes. For some guys it is less and some more. For me, it is a good sized pull, but I can see that I love my wife an incredible amount.

Primitive urges are just natures way of saying we evolved too fast. Anyways, I suggest you try some free couples counseling that is available all over the internet. You could get a manual or even talk to a Christian organization if you want to get that route. Some resources are free couples counseling , christian charities, amazon, and... google. Heh!

Either way, not being able to afford it isn't a good reason. You can find many things to try yourself for free. You are NOT the only woman in this situation, and you can take solace that you are in no way pioneering it. You aren't alone. Every marriage has its bumps and if he is willing to work on it a bit you will be fine.

Good luck, though! I wish you the best in life!
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 08:08 AM
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

Sometimes it is not the lack of sex that is the real issue but the lack of caring. For if a LD (low sex drive) spouse really cares for his/her distressed HD (high sex drive) spouse, he/she will move Heaven and Earth to help find a mutually satisfying solution. The HD spouse will be more appreciative of the sincere efforts of his/her LD spouse.

Sex starts and ends with what's between your ears, not what's between your legs.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 07:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help My husband isn't attracted to me.

Thanks, you make some really great points. It is as much my issue and fault as it is his. I don't know how to approach the subject. I am not trying toot my own horn, but I was popular in high school and dated the hot guys. I was a virgin when I graduated, but I still loved to make out and once I started having sex I liked it. I wasn't and am not one of women that don't like sex. My husband is 8 years older and maybe that hs something to do with it. I don't know. I just know that before him I had never been rejected and it is hard on the ego!
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