Sexless marriage :( HELP
I have posted before in "Considering divorce or separation".
I do not feel good in my marriage. I feel so lost and hurt at times.
I have been with my husband for about 4 years now. Married for about a year.
Before my husband, I had a non-committed relationship with a guy that I loved very much for 3 and half years. I was very hurt by that. The issue with him was that we lived in different countries, were too young. We had great sex.
When I met my husband, I have decided to stop talking to my ex since I wanted a normal, loving and committed relationship. However, I never stopped loving my ex. I care about him very much. And were thinking about him a lot.
My relationship with my husband started to go wrong in the last 2 years. My husband got sick for a few weeks for back pains and overall bad feeling. Ever since then we stopped having sex. He claimed it hurt him at that time. After that, he got better. But, Our sex life became not-existing. He never initialize sex. And when I say never I mean never. He never tries to have sex. And when I try to initialize it, sometimes he refuses saying that he's too tired.
I need sex. I want to feel wanted and desired. I am only in my mid- twenties and have no children. I think a lot about how it is to feel desired and have a great sex like I did with my ex.
There is another problem that bothers me a lot, I think that My husband has a minor drinking problem. I say minor because he drinks every 2-3 weeks and usually about 6-9 beers with food. That is now. But, before he used to drink every weekend with his friend- 1 Big bottle of wine and a 6/12 beer pack shared with his friend on a weekend.
I had a lot of fights, and incidents with him about his drinking. Every-time, He blames me and says I am the one with the problem . Since, I am the one that doesn't drink and don't understand it. He says that drinking is the only thing that keeps him going. Since he hates his life, and that the only reason he can deal.
I tried to avoid it. But, I have told my family about his drinking issues. I feel so bad when he drinks, and I don't trust him around alcohol. I don't trust him with a lot of things.
Every time he just has a drink. My heart starts pounding and I get so upset. I feel stressed out and physical pains.
The first six months of our marriage were horrible for me. I stopped sleeping at night and felt bad most of the time. I cried a lot. In one night which he was drunk it and I felt so bad. I emailed my ex boyfriend. He answered and offered to talk to me. But I said it's not a good Idea and didn't contact him for 2 months. However, After 2 months my husband got drunk again and refused to stopped drinking.We had a huge fight and he left home and said he's going to a bar to get drunk. Than, I contacted my ex, I wanted to leave home. I wanted to leave him. My husband came back with 2 police officers that night. They said he got drunk in a bar and wanted to drive home and almost got into a fight. I packed my things and came to say goodbye in the morning and he had a purple eye full with apologies. I stayed, He promised he's not going to do that again. That he'll control him drinking. That he'll be better.
He did become better. But, I became a mess, My sleeping issues got worse, I kept talking to my ex, telling him I love him and that I need him. I wanted to meet my ex, and he wanted to meet me. But we didn't meet. Since, I am married. He decided that's a bad idea.
We were talking for a few months and than My ex lately stopped answering me. I feel so bad with myself. I have apologized to my ex for hurting him with all of this so many time. I can't and won't tell my husband about the whole ex-thing.
My husband is a great guy. Who works really hard and just a good person overall. I just don't know If he's the right person for me. Since, In my heart, all I want is to be with my ex again. Talking to him have brought all the pain, emotions and confusion again.
Please help me, I don't know what to do. I am afraid to be by myself. I don't know what is true or false, right or wrong anymore. I feel so lost, guilty and alone.