Sexless marriage :( HELP
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-09-2011, 09:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sexless marriage :( HELP

Hi,

I have posted before in "Considering divorce or separation".

I do not feel good in my marriage. I feel so lost and hurt at times.
I have been with my husband for about 4 years now. Married for about a year.

Before my husband, I had a non-committed relationship with a guy that I loved very much for 3 and half years. I was very hurt by that. The issue with him was that we lived in different countries, were too young. We had great sex.

When I met my husband, I have decided to stop talking to my ex since I wanted a normal, loving and committed relationship. However, I never stopped loving my ex. I care about him very much. And were thinking about him a lot.

My relationship with my husband started to go wrong in the last 2 years. My husband got sick for a few weeks for back pains and overall bad feeling. Ever since then we stopped having sex. He claimed it hurt him at that time. After that, he got better. But, Our sex life became not-existing. He never initialize sex. And when I say never I mean never. He never tries to have sex. And when I try to initialize it, sometimes he refuses saying that he's too tired.

I need sex. I want to feel wanted and desired. I am only in my mid- twenties and have no children. I think a lot about how it is to feel desired and have a great sex like I did with my ex.

There is another problem that bothers me a lot, I think that My husband has a minor drinking problem. I say minor because he drinks every 2-3 weeks and usually about 6-9 beers with food. That is now. But, before he used to drink every weekend with his friend- 1 Big bottle of wine and a 6/12 beer pack shared with his friend on a weekend.

I had a lot of fights, and incidents with him about his drinking. Every-time, He blames me and says I am the one with the problem . Since, I am the one that doesn't drink and don't understand it. He says that drinking is the only thing that keeps him going. Since he hates his life, and that the only reason he can deal.

I tried to avoid it. But, I have told my family about his drinking issues. I feel so bad when he drinks, and I don't trust him around alcohol. I don't trust him with a lot of things.
Every time he just has a drink. My heart starts pounding and I get so upset. I feel stressed out and physical pains.

The first six months of our marriage were horrible for me. I stopped sleeping at night and felt bad most of the time. I cried a lot. In one night which he was drunk it and I felt so bad. I emailed my ex boyfriend. He answered and offered to talk to me. But I said it's not a good Idea and didn't contact him for 2 months. However, After 2 months my husband got drunk again and refused to stopped drinking.We had a huge fight and he left home and said he's going to a bar to get drunk. Than, I contacted my ex, I wanted to leave home. I wanted to leave him. My husband came back with 2 police officers that night. They said he got drunk in a bar and wanted to drive home and almost got into a fight. I packed my things and came to say goodbye in the morning and he had a purple eye full with apologies. I stayed, He promised he's not going to do that again. That he'll control him drinking. That he'll be better.
He did become better. But, I became a mess, My sleeping issues got worse, I kept talking to my ex, telling him I love him and that I need him. I wanted to meet my ex, and he wanted to meet me. But we didn't meet. Since, I am married. He decided that's a bad idea.

We were talking for a few months and than My ex lately stopped answering me. I feel so bad with myself. I have apologized to my ex for hurting him with all of this so many time. I can't and won't tell my husband about the whole ex-thing.

My husband is a great guy. Who works really hard and just a good person overall. I just don't know If he's the right person for me. Since, In my heart, all I want is to be with my ex again. Talking to him have brought all the pain, emotions and confusion again.

Please help me, I don't know what to do. I am afraid to be by myself. I don't know what is true or false, right or wrong anymore. I feel so lost, guilty and alone.
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Old 10-09-2011, 10:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

to be very honest. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TALKING/EMAILING YOUR EX,

Im in a simlar position as you were i never have sex with my wife. Its got to me too. yes with my ex's i had great sex and a great sex life. My wife is timid in the bedroom and yes sometimes i think "Gee the sex was way better with the ex and at least i had sex" but no way would i email them.

I admit i have a problem with my marriage at present and am considering counsilling. I thuink you should contact the counsillor asap.
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Old 10-09-2011, 10:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

I know I shouldn't. But, it makes me feel better. At least when he answered me. I don't know how to deal. I've tried to apologize to my ex a lot of times about the whole issue. It's just I feel that I have no one to talk to about all of this.
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Old 10-10-2011, 08:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

I'm sorry for what you're going through. My relationship was really bad the first few years too, and I also contacted an ex of mine. I didnt really feel bad about it since I thought my H was being an a**.

If you are afraid of being alone but also miserable being with your H then you are in a hard spot since it seems like those are your options right now. Is counseling an option for you?

There is also a free peer group for family and friends of problem drinkers called Alanon: Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups. My brother is an alcoholic so I know how stressful it is. The group will give you a support system and also teach you how to handle his drinking.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

I get your issues with your ex. To be honest, I think you need to take a hard look at what you want. You need to determine if the issues with your husband have brought about these feelings for your ex, obviously it wasn't perfect with your ex as you aren't with him. You are with someone else. Sometimes people can romanticize past relationships when they are in a situation that isn't right for them. It is human nature. But before you do anything rash you need figure out what you want. Are you willing to work on your marriage or do you want out. Even if you do decide you want out don't jump back with the ex. You need to figure out that relationship as well. BUT that can't happen until you have an honest, and calm discussion with your husband. Of course I am one to talk, I am great at giving advice just not so great at taking it Also if your husband ever becomes physical great guy isn't so great even if it is only he is drunk. You need to get out immediately. Alone is better than in an unsafe environment.
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Old 10-12-2011, 01:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

I'm sorry for what you're going through.
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Old 10-12-2011, 02:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

I am sorry for what you are going through and I understand how you feel as I go through the same thing, even though the reason for my sexless marriage is the fact that my husband recently came out as Bi-curious after 7 years of marriage.
to be honest I don't see anything wrong with keeping in tough with your ex, I see my ex as a very close friend, and tell him about everything, it is good to have different opinions.
but stop blaming yourself, I did that for a long time, I just ended up hurting my self.
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Old 10-12-2011, 07:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

My husband works out of town and never wants sex. He was laid off 4 months once and we did it twice is all. I never even try because I get turned down. I understand how you feel
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Old 10-12-2011, 08:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

You are married to an active alcoholic. Yes, maybe he can "be good" for a little while, but until he permanently stops drinking, your life is going to be like a roller coaster ride. Find a support group for spouses of alcoholics. In the US, Al-Anon is a great organization for people who have a loved one who is an active alcoholic.

Until you address the alcohol issues, your relationship will not get better.

I can't tell if you have commitment issues yourself because your marital situation is chaotic, but I would examine why you are turning to an ex-lover for marriage advice. You must know on some level that it is wrong, dishonest, and will not help you or your marriage.

Get help for yourself to figure out if you want to stay married to an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE disease, which means that over time it will get worse.
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Old 10-12-2011, 09:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

He's giving you half a husband but you're giving him half a wife. He's withholding his body from you and you're giving your heart to your ex. Whatever you decide, your body, heart, mind, and words all need to be in allignment. If you can't be a complete wife to your husband, find out where you belong and go there.
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Old 10-14-2011, 10:02 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

Thank you all for you advice and support. I really appreciate it. I have read all your comments. The thing is that it's like ups and downs. for a while it's all good and than suddenly my husband does something stupid- Like drinking) and I feel bad again.

My ex doesn't talk to me anymore and I've tried to apologize to him so many times and explain my self to him. To be honest, he is the one that pulled me up from my mess. But, than I started feeling bad about the fact that I talk to him. I can't tell that to my husband. My ex was a friend at a time of need. I always used to tell him everything. And now that's he's not there anymore. I miss him.

Every time I try to talk to my husband about the way I feel, he dismisses me and my feelings, saying that I am too emotional. Also, when I try to have sex with him. He always says:" We just had sex a week ago". Or " I am too tired". That's is really hurtful to me. I feel sad and angry towards my husband. I jokingly say that I do understand now why people cheat on their spouses to my husband. How can I be married to someone that never wants to have sex with me? Is this a marriage or a friendship?

I just want to be happy in a normal functioning relationship. But, my husband just refuses to admit we have a problem. I tried to talk about my problems with my family, but I cannot mention the sex issues or all the drinking incident. So, they dismiss me and say that I have a good husband and that I am too spoiled.

Last edited by Maia; 10-14-2011 at 10:15 PM.
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Old 10-15-2011, 01:39 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I just talked to my ex. I have been trying to talk to him for months to say I'm sorry. I was so confused. He said that he thinks I'm crazy. and sounded mad at me.

I told him everything that has been going on in my heart and soul and confided in him. And he thinks I am crazy.

I feel like such a failure and a looser. I care about him so much and he doesn't care. I trusted him. I feel like my heart is going explode out of pain.
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Old 10-15-2011, 08:23 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Maia View Post
I just talked to my ex. I have been trying to talk to him for months to say I'm sorry. I was so confused. He said that he thinks I'm crazy. and sounded mad at me.

I told him everything that has been going on in my heart and soul and confided in him. And he thinks I am crazy.

I feel like such a failure and a looser. I care about him so much and he doesn't care. I trusted him. I feel like my heart is going explode out of pain.
Stop trying to hook up with th ex. He s being smart in refusing to reconnect with a married woman. You know you'll end up cheating with him. Then you'll be the cheating wife of an alcholic. Is that the woman you want to be..

If you need someone to talk to, find a therapist, not another man, and especially not an ex.
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Old 10-16-2011, 12:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I think I need therapy. I feel sick. I want to be happy. And sleep normal again.
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Old 10-20-2011, 12:20 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage :( HELP

Things have gotten better with my husband. However, still no sex.
My husband doesn't take care of himself anymore. He says since he's married there is no point. He never grooms himself in his private areas. When we were dating he used to take care of himself all the time. Now, noting. Also, I forgot to mention that he drinks near his parents! They see that he has too much but say nothing! It annoys me like crazy. Every-time he goes to visit them he comes back tipsy. What the Hell?
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