Thebiz- You haven't posted anything in the last few days, and I can't say I blame you. You may not even be reading this thread any more with the venom being sent your way, but I will put out the following, in case you are.
Rape is a horrific trauma for any woman to endure. As you are finding out, it's not a pleasant experience for the husband, either. You describe yourself as an average Joe kind of guy, which includes a sense of being your wife's protector and defender. So to find out that your wife has been raped attacks your base self-image as a husband. Feelings of rage are not unusual. Sorry to disappoint the ladies here, but anger at your wife is not unusual, either.
You ask yourself questions like, "Why didn't she fight the bastard?" and "How could she be so stupid to put herself in that position?" It's REALLY IMPORTANT to realize that, while these feelings towards her may exist, they are wrong! Your wife has been victimized in perhaps the most terrible way possible.
Schedule yourself some personal therapy to help you work through this thing, because your wife needs you in the worst possible way. And you need to be there for her.
Now. Time for me to poke the female bears, by not totally excusing every thing your wife ever did because she was raped.
While your wife did a good thing by scheduling marriage counseling, she did a perfectly abysmal job of working with the therapist to identify the problem. If I went to MC for a year to try and get my wife to warm up to sex, only to find out AFTER A YEAR that she had been raped, I would be pretty angry at her. MC is the place where you TALK ABOUT THAT KIND OF ****. You've been slammed for being an insensitive *******, over your response to SOMETHING YOU JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT. She's now had years to deal with the event, you've had less than a week.
And, by the way, I compliment you on actually GOING to MC for a year, and working slowly on problems in your marriage. Many guys would have given up awhile back, which seems to have escaped the posters who are busy calling you a lout. Heck, a lot of guys won't go to MC at all, much less work towards improving the relationship on a continuing basis.
You indicate the rape happened some time ago, and that your sex life deteriorated as a result (although, again, you just found out why). Separate from taking a year in MC to bring it up, your wife handled it poorly before that- instead of getting it out in the open, she hid it, and started hating you for not noticing it, and for being an inconsiderate lover, and all kinds of other stuff, until she can't stand having sex with you. Now, maybe you are an uncommunicative jerk, and rape is, once again, a horrific trauma, but it was up to your wife to expose it, and get it out in the open where it could be worked through. She didn't do that, and she may have had good reasons in her own mind, but those reasons led to her hating sex and damaging the marriage, and both of you. She could have done better.
That's in the past. She is not spoiled, or dirty, or unworthy. She is still the woman who takes good care of your children, fixes you tasty meals, and makes sure you have clean socks. She still volunteers at the local school and keeps your home clean. She is your WIFE, and she needs your help.
You are both dealing with the unthinkable. You have been a stoic, strong husband for a long time. You need to be that for your wife now. She did not get raped to hurt you. So stop thinking she did.
I think you can give her the help she needs to make it through the echoes of this thing, and come out of it with your marriage intact.
Now go do better.
Really? She did poorly? I was 9 when I was assaulted, 14 when I became strong enough and found the courage to speak about it. That's 5 years of hiding it and dealing with it by myself AS A FEMALE CHILD.
I keep saying, until you have actually experienced the trauma you have no idea how to deal with it or how to feel about it.
The way he is acting here is extremely telling, go read his other threads where he complains about what he wants, how he wants it and when. He basically wants her to jump when, how, and for what when he says so and ask on the way up.
If he presents like that here ...who's to say he doesn't present that in his relationship.
Besides (as I am guilty above of this as well) you are assuming her situation with her husband from the one sidedness of his post with no input from her (again I did so for him above without her input too but he presents as very selfish here).
I completely utterly disagree with you when it comes to his wife and her therapy and how she handled it. As for him going to therapy with her..that may also have been a catalyst for hiding it. If she felt uncomfortable and unsafe to share with him at home how the heck would she feel comfortable and safe in a therapy environment with his presence there?
There is shame, guilt, feelings of dirtiness, extreme self esteem issues, pain and suffering in silence for most assault and rape victims. The pain of physical humiliation and the ripping of ones own power and control from them in such a physical manner cannot be put into words...it cannot be explained to those who have never felt it or experienced it.
For child victims it can take years and years, sometimes a lifetime to heal just enough to function from a trauma like this. Most don't heal fully, a good majority NEVER heal from it.
If you want to get a small feel for how it affects people, go to a women's victim shelter and ask to work with women or volunteer with women who have been assaulted or raped. Or go to a support group for victims of rape or sexual assault and sit and listen. I don't mean just hear them, really listen and watch them.
That's only a small insight into the trauma and pain this can cause.