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Old 10-25-2011, 09:33 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

My ex used to say that sex was the only thing I ever thought about. My reply would be "that's because I'm required to think about it for two people since she never initiated sexual involvement between the two of us". Of course, I much later found out she thought about it a lot. Only it was never with me.
Regarding rape, if women think it's hard to cope with such abuse, how hard do they think it is for men to deal with given that the plumbing isn't constructed for it?
If people are to improve their lot and find a way to enjoy life, they need to give emphasis toward those who choose to treat them well and give total disregard those who wish them harm.
As far as physical contact between spouses goes, if it's going to be good, it will be so if you give as well as you get.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:42 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Onedery View Post
My ex used to say that sex was the only thing I ever thought about. My reply would be "that's because I'm required to think about it for two people since she never initiated sexual involvement between the two of us". Of course, I much later found out she thought about it a lot. Only it was never with me.
Regarding rape, if women think it's hard to cope with such abuse, how hard do they think it is for men to deal with given that the plumbing isn't constructed for it?
If people are to improve their lot and find a way to enjoy life, they need to give emphasis toward those who choose to treat them well and give total disregard those who wish them harm.
As far as physical contact between spouses goes, if it's going to be good, it will be so if you give as well as you get.
Obviously you've never had the unfortunate "luxury" of being violated. You really think that it can be healed that easily? Do you even understand what being violating means or feels like?

Until you have walked a mile in the shoes of someone who has been raped or sexually assaulted you have no say in the matter either way.

Would you say something similar to a child who was raped by a pedophile? Basically what you are saying here in so many words is "husband didn't hurt you so suck it up and give it up to him". It's not that simple at all.
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Old 10-26-2011, 07:45 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

Onedery, did you really just imply that women have the right body parts for rape?
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:24 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

In my opinon, is what he fails to realize is at his beggining post is that he was concerned about how he had neglected his wife in the attention department. He never touched her only to get sex. He even said she did have sex with him but she turned her head and closed her eyes. Now that he knows the reason as to why she did this, it wasnt because of his neglect of her, it was because she was rapped. She didnt willing give her rappist her body he took it from her. And even thou this caused her severe trama, she willing lay there and gave you her hubby, the one she loves, her body. And you still feel that you lost somthing.. How many women would endure such trama time after time because she didnt want to deny you anything. This said a whole lot about her and her feeling toward you. Maybe you should return the favor/love and be her rock, her safty zone, her emotional supporter. Yes it is a shock to you, but think of what she endured but still gave the one thing that was taken from her to you.. Her body! Love her unconditionally like she has you and work thru this together... you said you two was making some small progress, holding hands, slight touches and she wasnt fliching anymore.. She was feeling loved, safe keep being there for eachother dont go back on the progress you have already made. She been thru alot dont make her feel that her being rapped is making her loose you aswell, its obvious she endured alot of the physical part between you and her because she didnt want to loose you... Think about it!
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Old 10-27-2011, 02:48 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

I just cannot believe what i have read. Never has such selfishness, ill found anger, egotism, pig headedness and insensitivity been taken in by my eyes. It took nothing but the first post for me to see it. He was talking about divorcing her because of a problem he caused. thats like stealing from someone, then coming back later and killing them cause they didnt have enough for you to steal. She wanted to get it fixed but all he could think about was himself and when he would get laid again. I am so infuriated at this that that is parading around as a man. I think he even talked about tracking down the rapist just so he dont sound so bad, and he even came up with an excuse not to do it right after he typed it. albeit, its a good excuse, but don't come up with a reason not to in the same sentence. Talking about a spoiled/diry wife.... None of this would have happened if he had been acting the way a husband should from the begining. I am not saying the rape wouldn't have happened, but she would have been able to talk to him, got into therapy sooner, and it would have been dealt with properly. instead she married the most heartless and selfish person in creation. I need to stop.
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Old 10-27-2011, 03:35 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Thebiz- You haven't posted anything in the last few days, and I can't say I blame you. You may not even be reading this thread any more with the venom being sent your way, but I will put out the following, in case you are.

Rape is a horrific trauma for any woman to endure. As you are finding out, it's not a pleasant experience for the husband, either. You describe yourself as an average Joe kind of guy, which includes a sense of being your wife's protector and defender. So to find out that your wife has been raped attacks your base self-image as a husband. Feelings of rage are not unusual. Sorry to disappoint the ladies here, but anger at your wife is not unusual, either.

You ask yourself questions like, "Why didn't she fight the bastard?" and "How could she be so stupid to put herself in that position?" It's REALLY IMPORTANT to realize that, while these feelings towards her may exist, they are wrong! Your wife has been victimized in perhaps the most terrible way possible.

Schedule yourself some personal therapy to help you work through this thing, because your wife needs you in the worst possible way. And you need to be there for her.

Now. Time for me to poke the female bears, by not totally excusing every thing your wife ever did because she was raped.

While your wife did a good thing by scheduling marriage counseling, she did a perfectly abysmal job of working with the therapist to identify the problem. If I went to MC for a year to try and get my wife to warm up to sex, only to find out AFTER A YEAR that she had been raped, I would be pretty angry at her. MC is the place where you TALK ABOUT THAT KIND OF ****. You've been slammed for being an insensitive *******, over your response to SOMETHING YOU JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT. She's now had years to deal with the event, you've had less than a week.

And, by the way, I compliment you on actually GOING to MC for a year, and working slowly on problems in your marriage. Many guys would have given up awhile back, which seems to have escaped the posters who are busy calling you a lout. Heck, a lot of guys won't go to MC at all, much less work towards improving the relationship on a continuing basis.

You indicate the rape happened some time ago, and that your sex life deteriorated as a result (although, again, you just found out why). Separate from taking a year in MC to bring it up, your wife handled it poorly before that- instead of getting it out in the open, she hid it, and started hating you for not noticing it, and for being an inconsiderate lover, and all kinds of other stuff, until she can't stand having sex with you. Now, maybe you are an uncommunicative jerk, and rape is, once again, a horrific trauma, but it was up to your wife to expose it, and get it out in the open where it could be worked through. She didn't do that, and she may have had good reasons in her own mind, but those reasons led to her hating sex and damaging the marriage, and both of you. She could have done better.

That's in the past. She is not spoiled, or dirty, or unworthy. She is still the woman who takes good care of your children, fixes you tasty meals, and makes sure you have clean socks. She still volunteers at the local school and keeps your home clean. She is your WIFE, and she needs your help.

You are both dealing with the unthinkable. You have been a stoic, strong husband for a long time. You need to be that for your wife now. She did not get raped to hurt you. So stop thinking she did.

I think you can give her the help she needs to make it through the echoes of this thing, and come out of it with your marriage intact.

Now go do better.
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Old 10-27-2011, 03:58 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

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Onedery, did you really just imply that women have the right body parts for rape?
What I am "implying" is that MEN certainly lack the plumbing for getting raped and there's more than a few men who did have it happen in childhood as well as more than a few who suffered while incarcerated regardless of guilt or innocence.
In THEIR case, they are expected to deal with it on their own since society doesn't seem to relish the emphthy on them as is done with the "weaker gender".
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:44 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

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Originally Posted by Onedery View Post
What I am "implying" is that MEN certainly lack the plumbing for getting raped and there's more than a few men who did have it happen in childhood as well as more than a few who suffered while incarcerated regardless of guilt or innocence.
In THEIR case, they are expected to deal with it on their own since society doesn't seem to relish the emphthy on them as is done with the "weaker gender".
Excuse me, all victims of rape regardless of gender or age should not be made to endure by themselves. As a woman I am in no way, shape or form the "weaker gender".

Aren't you so full of stereotypes.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:03 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

He's full of something alright.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:19 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

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Originally Posted by NotLikeYou View Post
Thebiz- You haven't posted anything in the last few days, and I can't say I blame you. You may not even be reading this thread any more with the venom being sent your way, but I will put out the following, in case you are.

Rape is a horrific trauma for any woman to endure. As you are finding out, it's not a pleasant experience for the husband, either. You describe yourself as an average Joe kind of guy, which includes a sense of being your wife's protector and defender. So to find out that your wife has been raped attacks your base self-image as a husband. Feelings of rage are not unusual. Sorry to disappoint the ladies here, but anger at your wife is not unusual, either.

You ask yourself questions like, "Why didn't she fight the bastard?" and "How could she be so stupid to put herself in that position?" It's REALLY IMPORTANT to realize that, while these feelings towards her may exist, they are wrong! Your wife has been victimized in perhaps the most terrible way possible.

Schedule yourself some personal therapy to help you work through this thing, because your wife needs you in the worst possible way. And you need to be there for her.

Now. Time for me to poke the female bears, by not totally excusing every thing your wife ever did because she was raped.

While your wife did a good thing by scheduling marriage counseling, she did a perfectly abysmal job of working with the therapist to identify the problem. If I went to MC for a year to try and get my wife to warm up to sex, only to find out AFTER A YEAR that she had been raped, I would be pretty angry at her. MC is the place where you TALK ABOUT THAT KIND OF ****. You've been slammed for being an insensitive *******, over your response to SOMETHING YOU JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT. She's now had years to deal with the event, you've had less than a week.

And, by the way, I compliment you on actually GOING to MC for a year, and working slowly on problems in your marriage. Many guys would have given up awhile back, which seems to have escaped the posters who are busy calling you a lout. Heck, a lot of guys won't go to MC at all, much less work towards improving the relationship on a continuing basis.

You indicate the rape happened some time ago, and that your sex life deteriorated as a result (although, again, you just found out why). Separate from taking a year in MC to bring it up, your wife handled it poorly before that- instead of getting it out in the open, she hid it, and started hating you for not noticing it, and for being an inconsiderate lover, and all kinds of other stuff, until she can't stand having sex with you. Now, maybe you are an uncommunicative jerk, and rape is, once again, a horrific trauma, but it was up to your wife to expose it, and get it out in the open where it could be worked through. She didn't do that, and she may have had good reasons in her own mind, but those reasons led to her hating sex and damaging the marriage, and both of you. She could have done better.

That's in the past. She is not spoiled, or dirty, or unworthy. She is still the woman who takes good care of your children, fixes you tasty meals, and makes sure you have clean socks. She still volunteers at the local school and keeps your home clean. She is your WIFE, and she needs your help.

You are both dealing with the unthinkable. You have been a stoic, strong husband for a long time. You need to be that for your wife now. She did not get raped to hurt you. So stop thinking she did.

I think you can give her the help she needs to make it through the echoes of this thing, and come out of it with your marriage intact.

Now go do better.
Really? She did poorly? I was 9 when I was assaulted, 14 when I became strong enough and found the courage to speak about it. That's 5 years of hiding it and dealing with it by myself AS A FEMALE CHILD.

I keep saying, until you have actually experienced the trauma you have no idea how to deal with it or how to feel about it.

The way he is acting here is extremely telling, go read his other threads where he complains about what he wants, how he wants it and when. He basically wants her to jump when, how, and for what when he says so and ask on the way up.

If he presents like that here ...who's to say he doesn't present that in his relationship.

Besides (as I am guilty above of this as well) you are assuming her situation with her husband from the one sidedness of his post with no input from her (again I did so for him above without her input too but he presents as very selfish here).

I completely utterly disagree with you when it comes to his wife and her therapy and how she handled it. As for him going to therapy with her..that may also have been a catalyst for hiding it. If she felt uncomfortable and unsafe to share with him at home how the heck would she feel comfortable and safe in a therapy environment with his presence there?

There is shame, guilt, feelings of dirtiness, extreme self esteem issues, pain and suffering in silence for most assault and rape victims. The pain of physical humiliation and the ripping of ones own power and control from them in such a physical manner cannot be put into words...it cannot be explained to those who have never felt it or experienced it.

For child victims it can take years and years, sometimes a lifetime to heal just enough to function from a trauma like this. Most don't heal fully, a good majority NEVER heal from it.

If you want to get a small feel for how it affects people, go to a women's victim shelter and ask to work with women or volunteer with women who have been assaulted or raped. Or go to a support group for victims of rape or sexual assault and sit and listen. I don't mean just hear them, really listen and watch them.

That's only a small insight into the trauma and pain this can cause.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:27 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Really? She did poorly? I was 9 when I was assaulted, 14 when I became strong enough and found the courage to speak about it. That's 5 years of hiding it and dealing with it by myself AS A FEMALE CHILD.

I keep saying, until you have actually experienced the trauma you have no idea how to deal with it or how to feel about it.

The way he is acting here is extremely telling, go read his other threads where he complains about what he wants, how he wants it and when. He basically wants her to jump when, how, and for what when he says so and ask on the way up.

If he presents like that here ...who's to say he doesn't present that in his relationship.

Besides (as I am guilty above of this as well) you are assuming her situation with her husband from the one sidedness of his post with no input from her (again I did so for him above without her input too but he presents as very selfish here).

I completely utterly disagree with you when it comes to his wife and her therapy and how she handled it. As for him going to therapy with her..that may also have been a catalyst for hiding it. If she felt uncomfortable and unsafe to share with him at home how the heck would she feel comfortable and safe in a therapy environment with his presence there?

There is shame, guilt, feelings of dirtiness, extreme self esteem issues, pain and suffering in silence for most assault and rape victims. The pain of physical humiliation and the ripping of ones own power and control from them in such a physical manner cannot be put into words...it cannot be explained to those who have never felt it or experienced it.

For child victims it can take years and years, sometimes a lifetime to heal just enough to function from a trauma like this. Most don't heal fully, a good majority NEVER heal from it.

If you want to get a small feel for how it affects people, go to a women's victim shelter and ask to work with women or volunteer with women who have been assaulted or raped. Or go to a support group for victims of rape or sexual assault and sit and listen. I don't mean just hear them, really listen and watch them.

That's only a small insight into the trauma and pain this can cause.

I was 14 when I was raped and 18 when I finally told someone. I feel for you.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:35 PM   #42 (permalink)
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I was 14 when I was raped and 18 when I finally told someone. I feel for you.
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This seems to be a general handling by most women of any age when it comes to sexual assault or rape. Years go by before they say something about it. Most never report it, ever.

The stats are skewed on rape and assaults per annum because (IMO this next statement) at least 2\3rds of women who are raped or sexually assaulted at any age DO NOT REPORT to the local PD or authorities.

I never did. He got away with it.
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Old 10-27-2011, 07:40 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: If you were in my shoes... how long would you wait?

There is more than one tragedy here. And that is very, very unfortunate.

To the OP, I hope that both you and your wife can find a way to recover from what has happened ... regardless if you remain a couple.

But the arc of this discussion cannot lead anywhere healthy.

Closing thread.
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