My wife and I have been married for nearly 8 years. She is the love of my life. I'm not leaving her.
Now that we have that out of the way, I have a problem with the frequency of oral sex that I receive, which is bordering on none. We have sex 1-2 times per week. I'd like more but I can live with that frequency. However, sex is all that I get. If I'm fortunate, I might receive a handjob during her period, but anything beyond that is rare to the point of 'go buy a lottery ticket right now'. If I ask a lot right before sex she's usually willing to give 20-30 seconds of oral right before sex, but never as a standalone act. When we were dating and before we had our first child oral sex was a regular part of our lives. She did it reasonably often and almost always during foreplay without being asked. She sometimes complained it made her jaw 'pop', but otherwise seemed to enjoy it. She'd initiate, tease, get into it. However, after our first child it decreased in frequency a lot and for the last 3-4 years it's basically ceased entirely. Maybe once a year. Think it happened twice last year maybe?
Additional details because I know they will be mentioned or asked about:
I go down on her as often as she'll let me. To orgasm every time that she'll let me. (Though I'd love to give her multiples, she usually wants to end any sexual interaction after one orgasm. She says they tire her out.)
I'm a clean freak. I shower daily, shave, etc.
I've communicated this desire to her in every way that I know how. I've got a degree in interpersonal communication; I'm a talker. She knows I want it.
I do NOT force her, push her head, or in any way coerce her.
The sex that we do have is excellent, no complaints from either side.
Any married guys relate to this? Any luck finding a conversational avenue that leads forward instead of to frustration? I'm frustrated and desperately trying to avoid bitterness but I'm struggling.
It sounds like you have a silent contract with her. You are a decent guy, who gives her oral sex, so you expect the same in return.
I would suggest that if this is the case you have a couple of options:
1) Tell her of your expectations. If she does not reciprocate, then stop giving her oral sex as you will start to resent it. This is to stop being passive aggressive.
2) Keep your silent contract secret, then stop giving her oral sex as you will start to resent it. This is to keep it passive aggressive.
3) Drop your expectations completely. Give her oral sex if you fancy it and not if you do not. If you do so, it will be gladly. This seems to be her approach and a perfectly reasonable one.
There's no silent contract. I don't expect her to give them in exchange for anything that I do.
She's not huge into receiving oral, either. She likes it now and then but mostly would prefer to have intercourse. If I stopped entirely she wouldn't care. I would prefer to continue giving her oral even if I never receive it. I do not resent giving oral at all and, in fact, enjoy it. To stop would be a lose-lose.
This seems to come up all the time on this forum. Like the joke goes... "Why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle? Because she knows she's given her last BJ!"
Most woman just aren't into oral sex. Or they aren't into their man. It sounds like yours just doesn't like giving oral and I doubt there is anything you can do. If I were you, I'd stop giving her oral and see if she notices.
This seems to come up all the time on this forum. Like the joke goes... "Why does a bride smile when she walks down the aisle? Because she knows she's given her last BJ!"
Most woman just aren't into oral sex. Or they aren't into their man. It sounds like yours just doesn't like giving oral and I doubt there is anything you can do. If I were you, I'd stop giving her oral and see if she notices.
Most woman just aren't into oral sex. Or they aren't into their man. It sounds like yours just doesn't like giving oral and I doubt there is anything you can do.
Don't mean to be argumentative here, but several sentences here don't jive with the real world. :grin2:
Where did you get the statistic that most women aren't into oral sex?
What do you mean there's nothing you can do? That's BS. There's always something you can do. I went from none in 25 years to several per week. I think many women are conditioned that it's not laldylike or that it's gross. You just have to work on changing these beliefs.
Well, I waited over 5 years for a little oral at all, and probably closer to 6 for a full blown finish in her mouth BJ.
Never stopped me from doing oral on her. I think I got as much pleasure from it as she did. I just love doing it!
What changed her mind to the whole idea of doing me, was after I started doing oral on her even more, and even after sex.
That, and I'd mention it now & then.
Any married guys relate to this? Any luck finding a conversational avenue that leads forward instead of to frustration? I'm frustrated and desperately trying to avoid bitterness but I'm struggling.
Perhaps she wanted ideas one day and saw how oral is performed in most pornos. She thinks THIS is what you want and she feels it crosses her line into something she is not comfortable doing for you. (Imagine a woman with running mascara violently deep throating and drooling all over the place) She likely saw THAT thought to herself if her jaw pops doing what it is she does now, that if she tries what she just saw in the porn she may have seen you watching, that her jaw might get broken.
So here is what you do! Explain to her that she does NOT even need to take you into her mouth. Tell her she can use her hands and just gently lick you as if you are an ice cream cone!
Take her out for an ice cream and allow her to practice on that instead of you to build her confidence while you compliment her to no end about how sexy she looks eating ice cream!
I figure it could be many things. People change. I used to love to play golf. Now I play maybe once a year, maybe. If you had told me 20 years ago that I would grow to dislike golf, I would have told you that you were crazy.
The BJ is a VERY personal act of giving. If the one giving feels any resentment or animosity toward the other, the act is going to wane. I had some anger issues and was not alpha enough for my wife. I changed and the BJ's got better and more frequent.
Also, in my opinion, offering such a selfless gift should require much positive feedback from the receiver. I currently make certain I give my wife as much positive feedback as possible to reinforce her efforts.
I figure it could be many things. People change. I used to love to play golf. Now I play maybe once a year, maybe. If you had told me 20 years ago that I would grow to dislike golf, I would have told you that you were crazy.
The BJ is a VERY personal act of giving. If the one giving feels any resentment or animosity toward the other, the act is going to wane. I had some anger issues and was not alpha enough for my wife. I changed and the BJ's got better and more frequent.
Also, in my opinion, offering such a selfless gift should require much positive feedback from the receiver. I currently make certain I give my wife as much positive feedback as possible to reinforce her efforts.
I have given and would continue to give positive feedback if the opportunity presented itself. Can't give positive feedback about what someone is doing if they don't do it!
Yep @arbitrator has it pretty much right on for the most part. During courting women are certainly a lot more adventurous and open in the bedroom. This is all part in parcel with attracting a desired mate/partner. Once the commitments are made the extra effort to impress stops. You have joined the other 2 or 3 billion other married men in the world that aren't getting oral, welcome to the club.
I fought the same battle with my wife of now 29 years quite some time ago and frankly it wasn't worth it. Eventually I got her to the point that she was willing to indulge me every now and then but just like duty sex, a duty BJ done with all the passion and enthusiasm as one does dishes with is just not something worth fighting for.
It got to the point where I stopped letting her do it because it was so obvious that she wasn't enjoying doing it that I couldn't enjoy her doing it. At the point that neither of you are enjoying the activity there is no point in continuing it, so I stopped her and now if she tries I tell her not to bother (not in those words of course).
I still perform oral on her every time we have sex which frankly isn't very often. I do that because she enjoys it and her enjoyment of it makes it very enjoyable for me, that's just the way I'm wired. The more she is getting into it the more I get out of it. Of course the opposite is also true the more she is doing something she doesn't like doing the less I enjoy myself.
Yes, duty sex/BJ is not something I'm interested in whatsoever.
I guess my main source of confusion is that I absolutely cannot relate. I truly get pleasure from doing things that give her pleasure, both in and out of the bedroom. I enjoy cleaning the house because I enjoy the fact that she's happy when she gets home. (I'm self employed, so I can clean during the day quite often.) I never really liked doing dishes until I discovered how happy it made her; now I genuinely enjoy doing them as long as I can listen to music or something while doing so. A couple years ago she confided that she always felt a little bit resentful that I pressed for kids sooner than she might have and that affected our ability to travel. That very day I started saving for and planning to take her to Paris. We went in 2013. It didn't matter that I cut back on my own wants, I enjoyed it because I knew it made her happy.
It doesn't seem like any such enjoyment exists within her. :crying:
I guess I'm a little confused. You say she's adventures in bed and sex is excellent but you're stinking about BJ's?
You go on to say that you go down on her all the time but she's not that info it. ... so why are you going down on her? Is that for her or you?
Maybe your wife isn't that into oral. Period. It's not like she takes and won't give. Maybe she doesn't care for the fact that you know she's not even into getting out but push it anyway?
Maybe you should stop asking. She knows you feel and if you nag her for it she'll just get po'd.
Enjoy the excellent sex you're getting, and maybe if you stop nagging she'll offer once on a while.
I really don't get this entitlement to oral a lot of guys seem to have. I don't mind giving some but I have a very small mouth and my jaw pops so it's not that comfortable; hardly a good comparison for using your tongue. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't mind giving some but I have a very small both and my jaw pops so it's not that comfortable; hardly a good comparison for using your tongue. Posted via Mobile Device
"I don't feel like it" is in no way the same as "lockjaw" and "my jaw pops." He's a please her type of man so, it would stop the projected "nagging" if she said "it hurts" or told him her specific issue with the act. He needs to have a serious talk and she needs to stop giving him the brush off.
The point is, you are not going to learn how to manipulate her into giving you bjs. You will have to really talk with her to find out what is going on and it may result in you getting what you want or it may not, but at least you will know what's going on and be able to move on one way or the other.
A good friend of mine one day out of the same frustration of the OP told his wife he would give her $100 for a BJ! She not only accepted and did it, but she said she actually liked that arrangement?????????
At first I was like WTF DUDE!!!!! ...but then when you think about it, that scenario DOES play very well into a kink for each of them to enjoy some realistic role playing! Some rather prudish women enjoy the excitement of doing something completely out of character. In this case his wife got paid, which likely made her feel that her skills to please him were actually valued! For him, he is a perv and the exchange of money was only symbolic since they are married, but he managed to have the "girlfriend experience!"
you want her to do it because YOU want it, regardless of if she does or not. Sorry but unless and until she has a desire to do it for you it just ain't gonna happen. the more you try to coerce her the less likely she is to give in. you cannot make someone want to do something they don't want, and if you did it would only serve to tear down and not build up your relationship.
Just for the record my wife loves giving and getting oral. for us it is a multiple times a week(often few times a day) thing. yes there are times she does it just because she knows I want a bj, and I can tell when she is not really into it. in those cases it feels no better than had I just masturbated, glad they are rare.
you want her to do it because YOU want it, regardless of if she does or not. Sorry but unless and until she has a desire to do it for you it just ain't gonna happen. the more you try to coerce her the less likely she is to give in. you cannot make someone want to do something they don't want, and if you did it would only serve to tear down and not build up your relationship.
I'm forced to assume that you did not read through the thread entirely. I absolutely do NOT want her to do it if she doesn't want to. I've stated that plainly several times. I'd rather her not do it at all than do it if she doesn't want to.
Just for the record my wife loves giving and getting oral. for us it is a multiple times a week(often few times a day) thing. yes there are times she does it just because she knows I want a bj, and I can tell when she is not really into it. in those cases it feels no better than had I just masturbated, glad they are rare.
My wife for years never indicated that she disliked it - there would just be some minor excuse each time. When I let her know how much I enjoyed it when she did it on my birthday, she would say "I'm happy to".
But - what really was going on was that she hated it and didn't want to tell me.
I guess I don't understand if your wife works until 4 and you make your own hours, why do the two of you have zero time in the evening that can fit some television/talking/etc time and sex?
What time do the kids go to bed?
Also, this whole thing about housework ... you stay home multiple days a week from work for that purpose. So are you doing that for her or to bond with your child? Because it seems like you want to say you are doing that for her in a convert sex quid pro quo, when really that's only fair if you are working less.
I'm still waiting to hear why do they have so little time together that quickie blowjobs is the solution to their sex life when the wife only works until 4 and he works part-time and makes his own hours.
I'm coming back, reading through, but this was enough to make me stop to make sure I didn't miss it.
I work 55-65 hours a week, FAR more than my wife does. It's the nature of self employment. I get up at 5am most days and often go back to work after she's asleep. On Saturdays I work all day, usually 12-14 hours. Sunday AMs we spend together and I usually work afternoons, but not always. We have an adult study group Sunday evenings, which we both enjoy immensely.
I spend two full days a week at home with my son. Wednesdays and Fridays. It would be easier work wise if I didn't do that but I so often feel that I missed too much with our first child and I don't want that feeling again. If I can't make time for my son, what's the benefit of working for myself? Might as well get a 9-5 and punch a clock. There'd be a lot less uncertainty and I'd probably take home the same money.
Your wife contributes to the household income, has had children, is a good mother, likes spending time with you, loves you and enjoys having sex with you. You have a lot to be thankful for. Not what you want though.
It may be difficult to convince your wife that she needs to do extra to please you, no matter how she feels. You can make a case for getting bj if you overvalue what you do and undervalue what your wife does. But, don't dismiss the value of what you already have so easily.
Are you in good shape, positive, independent, proactive, have plans and execute them? Do you beg for sex acts? Don't it makes you seem pathetic and it's degrading.
Change the way you think about sex, it's for both of you. The cultural norm of a woman being responsible for pleasing a man does not work obviously. Never have sex, including bj and hj's when she is unaroused and will not get an orgasm.
Your chances of getting what you want are better if you change your attitude. Appreciate the value of what you already have, assume that your wife is giving as much as you in th relationship and deserves to be pleased as much as you.
You both made a commitment to each other to fulfil each other's needs when you married. She has changed the terms of your marriage contract to your detriment, without any consequences. So, be frank and honest with her. If you think that she has done a bait and switch on you, call her out on it. Do less for her, but be upfront about it. Tell her what you no longer feel like doing and follow through. Buy erotic comics about blow jobs, and start reading them when the kids are in bed, and then go and masturbate. I would do this in a way where she knows exactly what you are doing.
However, I would only do the above if I had previously let my needs be known in an honest and transparent fashion. Marriage is about meeting each other's needs, not entrapment. Marriage involves a lot of compromise - I am reminded of this every time that I clean out our cats' litter tray for the cats that my wife wanted. However, I am happy to do this for my wife, even though I find it disgusting, because she is an awesome and generous wife, mother to my children and lover.
My husband does plenty of housework and we evidently have more sex than that, so ... this universal Athol Kay Dark Triad Alpha crap that women secretly resent men who help with the chores of daily life and is the universal reason they are not having sex is false.
Yes, that's misogynistic bull by a guy who preaches ways to manipulate and keep your woman in line.
Guaranteed if my husband stopped doing his part around the house and left it to me like I'm his mother/maid he'd be getting a lot less sex.
I don't know who comes up with the crap except men who don't think housework is their job or don't want to be bothered with it and are looking for reasons this view is a good one.
Early on you said you don't want a duty BJ. Nice thought, but in reality that's what your asking for when you go down the road you are traveling here. Your wife's actions are telling you what she wants. You have to accept that. You two do communicate and are having as much sexual contact as she wants. Wanting her to please you more would just be "duty" sex.
Quit lying to yourself. The reality of your situation is that your wife gets nothing out of giving you a standalone BJ. She gets no sexual pleasure and derives no satisfaction out of just giving you pleasure. That's just not her style. She's not a "giver".
Quit lying to yourself. The reality of your situation is that your wife gets nothing out of giving you a standalone BJ. She gets no sexual pleasure and derives no satisfaction out of just giving you pleasure. That's just not her style. She's not a "giver".
Nothing his wife does qualifies her as a giver except giving him unreciprocated sexual pleasure?
She gave him children before she was ready but that is not enough. This entitled tone is not one he should take, nor should he demand she give him the answer he is looking for.
She gave her answer, she does not feel like it. Pressing her further will only bring anger and resentment. She may feel that she has the right to decide what she wants to do.
Instead of making her feel she is required to give him a satisfactory answer, why not find out what made her feel like giving in the past and what changed. What was it about the relationship that inspired her to give.
I don't think he should ask directly about bj but think back and analyze. Talk about those times with her and see if you can pick out any hints about what changed.
BTW, do you give your wife unreciprocated sexual pleasure weekly?
Her actions show she enjoyed before, during and into their marriage. He wants to know why the frequency dropped because it is something he likes. Yet, he better not ask because he is either going to manipulate her or he is doing things to coerce her. This is why marriages have communication failures and fall apart, instead of asking the person we ask others for advice. Then spouses start goose steeping, don't talk and marriages fall apart. It's okay to ask questions and not accept actions as they appear on the surface.
Dude, ask her whats up, don't accept her common excuses and then BELIEVE her answer. If it means a BJ once a month or not at all accept it and move on. Once you have a legit answer, follow the one part of life's point and let it go and enjoy her and the "adventurous" sex you have.
It maybe that she doesnt like it and feels uncomfortable doing it. How about you enjoy the good sex life you have and let it go?
Many women dont like oral sex, and I am not sure why its so vital when the vagina is the perfect size and design to have good sex. Let go of the resentment and move on.
I know a man (Australian), who is generally a good man, if a little emotionally delicate. I would not call him a friend particularly, but I respect him. I know he and his wife (British) are going through difficulties, the sex is down to twice a week and he is unsatisfied and his wife is unsympathetic.
The thing is, they have two young kids, whom the wife care for mainly. She also does the bulk of the house work and works 24 hour/pw including a night shift. Personally, I think he is rather spoiled and agree with her that he should just suck it up.
If either of them were to write their side on TAM, I think the majority of posters would side with whoever wrote the first post.
If the man described the situation as you did, I'd tell him to stop being a jerk. But people like that don't post on sites like this because they don't think there is a problem.
you do know that some of the people here have been cheated on and denied sex during that time. You also do know that some of these people have been in sexless marriages.
Many here (not me btw) wish they got it 1-2 times a week.
Just chill and express your concerns to her.
But for the board to feel badly for you ??? Not going to happen
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