Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Had a nice dinner and a couple of drinks with wifey...(15th Anniversary )
We had a coversation about our SEX LIFE, or lack there of...I don't remember the exact words that I used, but when I said that once every 7-8 weeks wasn't frequent enough for me, her first sentence was "so, you're done with me then?"...it kinda stunned me...what would make her think that I was done with her?
Of course I'm not done with her, if I were, I wouldn't have taken her out to dinner & have still been there trying...it just shocked me as to how matter of fact she said it...she didn't pull away or really seem upset...I wasn't quite sure how to take that...maybe, now that I have thought about it, she is done with me...I didn't get a card or any kind of gift on my anniversary...
More conversation is needed...obviously!! But what am I supposed to think after that...we had a nice evening, and had a great conversation except for the sex bit...
I asked her if she doesn't find me attractive any longer (I know, a loaded question...but I just can't figure out why she has no interest in sex??)...she cuddled up to me and said "of course I do..."...WTF??
I know she is stressed about work and tired all the time, but I have made an effort for a long time (probably the past 5yrs or so) to do my part in the home as the Dad/father/husband/partner...making sure she has the evening to do with what she will...she gets about 10hrs sleep each night (although she doesn't sleep well when she is stressed), but she doesn't seem to be seeing my efforts...I don't want to be the "needy" husband...I just want to do my part and have a happy married life with the woman I love...
I'm kinda lost as to where to go from here...I know, counselling...or maybe give it more time and more date nights, but how long is a guy supposed to wait before masturbation isn't enough anylonger??
Keep talking to her. She sounds like she is stressed with all the responsibilities of work and kids, and she has lost her sexual connection to you as a wife. Explain the emotional bonding that sex provides. Make sure she is aware that she has to be relaxed to enjoy sex. Have you tried massages?
Do you two have a date night at least twice a month? You need to do things together that you enjoy. You might also ask her for ideas about rebooting your sex life. Does she have any fantasies she wants to try? She probably does not understand that sex is more than a physical release. Keep talking; do not let this go. Ask for her input so you can see what she is thinking.
Is there a chance that there is someone else in her life that you are not aware of (Facebook, calls, texts, emails, etc.)?
As a person who cheated on his wife (online, text), I did the same to my wife by not having sex with her for long periods of time. I would rarely touch her as well.
Is there a chance that there is someone else in her life that you are not aware of (Facebook, calls, texts, emails, etc.)?
As a person who cheated on his wife (online, text), I did the same to my wife by not having sex with her for long periods of time. I would rarely touch her as well.
Does she initiate physical contact with you?
I really hope that there is not someone else.
Well, I hope not...that would be a deal breaker for sure...but she still does the loving touches and cuddles quite often (every night before bed at a minimum)...but it doesn't lead to sex...I don't watch TV, I like the computer...we are only about 20ft apart every night...and when she is ready for bed she comes out and give me a hug/cuddle (my face between her breasts...I love it) and a kiss good night (nope...she doesn't want me to come upstairs and "bug her for sex")...it's almost like she teases me each night and I have to deal with it myself...
I have followed her up on multiple occasions only to be turned down yet again...kind of a mixed message if you ask me...
@lovesherman...no we don't do date night often enough...that is where I have been dropping the ball...so the date night was my idea and we will be starting to do this more regularily...we go out for dinner quite often, but as a family...not a treat for her, but for me (I do the cooking)
I posted this on another thread, but thought it would have relevance to this topic as well...
Here's a typical day in my life...
6:45am - get up, wake the kids for school (three girls, twin 9yo & 13yo) & let dogs out
7:00am - make lunch and follow up with the kids to make sure they are moving...
7:15am - have a bowl of cereal and make sure the kids are up stairs and making their lunches
7:30am - leave for work...
5:30pm - arrive home from work...only one kid there, others are at swimming practice (Mom drove them there - she is off work earlier than I am...teacher)
6:00pm - prepare the meal for the family, set the table...blah blah
6:30pm - call everyone for dinner
7:00pm - get the kids to do the dishes and ask about homework
8:00pm - get the kids headed for the bath/shower and get ready for bed
8:30pm - get the twins into bed (making sure teeth are brushed, face washed & pee before bed)
9:30pm - teenager bed time...
The wifey looks after taking the kids to their activities due to me not getting home until 5:30pm ish...but the rest of the evening (usually from after dinner 'til bed time) she has time to do whatever she feels she needs to do...be it banking, work planning (teacher), or just free time...
That's a typical Tuesday in our house...on the weekends, I get up with the kids and she gets to sleep in until when ever she wakes up...some days 9am some 11am...she takes care of the daily tidying and laundry...I look after the rest...I think I do my part...
I told her last night that I wasn't done with her, but I did want to have sex at least once per week...we'll see where this goes...I'm hopeful, but not holding my breath...
Sounds like my days about a decade ago. Glad that she touches you.
Here's an idea, if you can make it happen. Get off of work early, have a friend take / pick-up up the kids from practice, and hire a sitter for the night. Surprise her at the end of her work day by picking her up at work and telling her that she is your romantic kidnap victim, and that is being held for love ransom. Go to a restaurant and get some take-out food and drinks (or bring a bottle of wine in advance - if you drink). Then drive to a simple location like a common area in a business park and enjoy dinner together. Oh, and have a single flower for her. Ask her if she is enjoying her kidnapping so far. The rest is up to you. She is not allowed to make a decision. Hug her quite often and tell her you aren't going to ever let her escape.
NO WAY would I let my W put her breasts in my face every night and then reject any sexual response. The fact that you respond with desire is feeding this bad pattern. She gets her little ego boost that you want her and then stomps on your ego when you actually follow up.
My guess is you are actually too loving. Some women need their man to be a challenge. Bet she would take you to bed just to feel "close" to you, if she wasn't getting all that warmth every day by default.
It also seems like you have almost turned into her servant. In the hope that if you create the "perfect" environment for her, she will allow you to have sex with her. BAD move.
In economic terms you have bid up the value of sex to a staggeringly high value.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coldshoulder
Well, I hope not...that would be a deal breaker for sure...but she still does the loving touches and cuddles quite often (every night before bed at a minimum)...but it doesn't lead to sex...I don't watch TV, I like the computer...we are only about 20ft apart every night...and when she is ready for bed she comes out and give me a hug/cuddle (my face between her breasts...I love it) and a kiss good night (nope...she doesn't want me to come upstairs and "bug her for sex")...it's almost like she teases me each night and I have to deal with it myself...
I have followed her up on multiple occasions only to be turned down yet again...kind of a mixed message if you ask me...
@lovesherman...no we don't do date night often enough...that is where I have been dropping the ball...so the date night was my idea and we will be starting to do this more regularily...we go out for dinner quite often, but as a family...not a treat for her, but for me (I do the cooking)
I posted this on another thread, but thought it would have relevance to this topic as well...
Here's a typical day in my life...
6:45am - get up, wake the kids for school (three girls, twin 9yo & 13yo) & let dogs out
7:00am - make lunch and follow up with the kids to make sure they are moving...
7:15am - have a bowl of cereal and make sure the kids are up stairs and making their lunches
7:30am - leave for work...
5:30pm - arrive home from work...only one kid there, others are at swimming practice (Mom drove them there - she is off work earlier than I am...teacher)
6:00pm - prepare the meal for the family, set the table...blah blah
6:30pm - call everyone for dinner
7:00pm - get the kids to do the dishes and ask about homework
8:00pm - get the kids headed for the bath/shower and get ready for bed
8:30pm - get the twins into bed (making sure teeth are brushed, face washed & pee before bed)
9:30pm - teenager bed time...
The wifey looks after taking the kids to their activities due to me not getting home until 5:30pm ish...but the rest of the evening (usually from after dinner 'til bed time) she has time to do whatever she feels she needs to do...be it banking, work planning (teacher), or just free time...
That's a typical Tuesday in our house...on the weekends, I get up with the kids and she gets to sleep in until when ever she wakes up...some days 9am some 11am...she takes care of the daily tidying and laundry...I look after the rest...I think I do my part...
I told her last night that I wasn't done with her, but I did want to have sex at least once per week...we'll see where this goes...I'm hopeful, but not holding my breath...
Firstly Happy Anniversary!! ....and congrats on wanting to improve your marriage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coldshoulder
We had a coversation about our SEX LIFE, or lack there of...I don't remember the exact words that I used, but when I said that once every 7-8 weeks wasn't frequent enough for me, her first sentence was "so, you're done with me then?"...it kinda stunned me...what would make her think that I was done with her?
Okay I know you said you don't know which exact words you used but I wonder what her response would have been if your conversation went something like: "mmm I remember last time you and I were intimate and I did/you did x.... that was insanely sexy" (assuming it was) "I need to have more of you that way."
Also as for her teasing you with the breasts/face, she's knowing that you desire her, that she can turn you on easily (assuming she can), and there's no real effort needed from her beyond that to know she can still get you that way. Two views here: 1) Her ego is fed and sex isn't a priority. OR 2) This is her way of initiating and you need to take that signal and run with it in a way you haven't before. Take her by surprise.
I might be simplifying things, based purely on what you wrote. Heck whadda I know? But ......(assuming you don't already) maybe slowly but surely send flirtatious texts to her through-out the day, passionately kiss her when she arrives home. Try different flirtatious approaches including a more 'alpha' approach. I'm impressed she gets 10 hours sleep. I need to get more sleep. Maybe I should start having less sex? lol (to all the men-folk, I'm kidding!)
Date-night without the kids sounds good. You need to rekindle the physical connection between you. Try to find ways that make her CRAVE you. How? Well, that might be something you need to work out. Pay close attention to her cues. This isn't about getting laid, this is about keeping that close connection and both of you being sexually fulfilled.
She might have the evening to do what she wants but by then she is probably too tired. Can she cut back work so she can do those things during the day and have the evening for you?
Guess what. She's got your balls in a sack. You're treating her like a princess. "Oh, poor smuckems is tired. Let me cook dinner, take care of the kids and make life perfect for wifey."
This approach is doing you no good. She knows there's imbalance. In fact, she's guilty about it. "I guess you're done with me then" says it all. She knows she's riding the gravy train, and she won't respect you until you call her out on it.
I highly recommend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. The basic theme you will see there is that you have to stop focusing on enabling her happiness and instead focus on being the best man you can be. That includes setting effective boundaries in which your considerations carry more weight - in your own mind - than they do now.
From your brief description, it sounds like she's almost begging you to man up and balance the scales. When was the last time you went out with the guys and let her handle the kids? Probably way too long.
Stress at work is a cop-out. I'm sure you have stress, too. You have to define happiness on your own terms and disconnect the emotional hose seeking her approval. Stop being a puppy dog. Start manning up.
Guess what. She's got your balls in a sack. You're treating her like a princess. "Oh, poor smuckems is tired. Let me cook dinner, take care of the kids and make life perfect for wifey."
You're right...except for the dinner thing...that was an agreement that we made 20yrs ago...I'll cook if you clean...and it still stands, kinda...we have a cleaning lady that comes in once a week and does a thorough cleaning, she just has to do the daily tidy up...the kids are now tasked with the dishes...
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedTex
This approach is doing you no good. She knows there's imbalance. In fact, she's guilty about it. "I guess you're done with me then" says it all. She knows she's riding the gravy train, and she won't respect you until you call her out on it.
I highly recommend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. The basic theme you will see there is that you have to stop focusing on enabling her happiness and instead focus on being the best man you can be. That includes setting effective boundaries in which your considerations carry more weight - in your own mind - than they do now.
I think that may be the best bit of advice anyone can give...quit focussing on her, and be the best person you can be...I'm really not a fan of the "MAN UP" statements that everyone seems to jump on, to me that is just an effin mind game...right along the lines of when you ask wifey what's wrong and you get the NOTHING!! answer, to which my usual response is "good, because I thought you were mad..."
I don't play that game...and don't ask me if the dress makes you look fat, find a mirror...or I will tell you, but it is better for the relationship if you ask the mirror that one...
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedTex
From your brief description, it sounds like she's almost begging you to man up and balance the scales. When was the last time you went out with the guys and let her handle the kids? Probably way too long.
Nope...still healing up from my motorcycle crash from my guy weekend on Sept 10-12...I took one day each weekend through the summer to have a day out with the guys...this weekend I will be going down to a buddies place to work on his '68 Firebird for a day...so, no...I do take time for just me...car shows, bike shows...but I don't go out drinking with the guys (personal reasons for that one...)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedTex
Stress at work is a cop-out. I'm sure you have stress, too. You have to define happiness on your own terms and disconnect the emotional hose seeking her approval. Stop being a puppy dog. Start manning up.
See, I don't see it that way...she does have stress in her job (and so do I, but I deal with it better than she does)...I'm happy with almost every part of our relationship, except the the sexual frequency...the way I see the problem is that we need to find a way to make her want to have sex more often...I don't just want her to "take on another chore", if that was the case she could be replaced with a sex doll...
Part of the problem is that we spend very little time together...I'm surprised no one picked up on it...she sits in the TV room and I'm in the family room everynight on the computer for probably the last couple hours of the day before bed...20ft apart, but there is a wall and door between us...hence the date night theory...and maybe we need to go for a walk together after dinner each night...I think it is those little things that are missing which are a bigger thing for her than she lets on...I'm not about to start watching her "reality TV", friggin waste of time if you ask me...mind numbing...but she enjoys it, and is a bit of an escape for her...I like playing with my video editing software and YouTube, which I'm sure she feels is a waste of time...so a scheduled walk after dinner and a date night every couple of weeks is what I have planned...but we are now starting week 8 of no ACTION!!
Well, I agree that you need to work on becoming the best man that you can - and that includes calmly, coolly, and confidently nipping any kind of disrespect in the bud.
As well, like many couples you have seemingly drifted apart. You know that you are not getting your needs met, but chances are she isn't getting hers met either. Do you know what hers are? Your conversation at dinner threw her on the defensive when you couched it as you not getting what you want. Think about a way that you can instead turn it around and find out what it is that she needs.
A good place to start it to work on adding in additional conversation and non-sexual affection. Think back to when you were dating or when things were a lot hotter. What were the actions that you were doing then as opposed to what you are doing now?
Seriously, week 8. Your way to patient and way to accomodating. Read mem's write up on lowering the emotional temperature in your house.
She knows you want more, she even teases you. You might not like the sounds of "man up" - but seriously. My guess is SHE WOULD.
Attraction is not a choice. It doesn't sound like she is attracted to the nice guy that does everything for her and keeps putting up with not getting the intimacy he has asked.
She wants her world rocked too. You can bet she is still masterbating so her sex drive is not dead. Be the guy you were when you started dating and she WAS attracted to you.
This isn't going to change, till you make some changes and force the issue.
Think back to when you were dating or when things were a lot hotter. What were the actions that you were doing then as opposed to what you are doing now?
That's an easy one...all the time in the world to focus on each other, now the kids and their activities take up most of our waking hours...so it comes down to effective time management, and making time for each other...so...turning off the TV & computer to spend time with each other will have to become the norm, instead of ignoring each other and entertaining ourselves...
I hope...
I think this will be the conversation for this evening (while taking the dog for a walk...), trying to re-connect...
I'm a very committed person, the idea of cheating on her gets my blood boiling...and I've told her that on multiple occasions...I will not cheat, but if it comes to it I will leave...my happiness is as important as hers...
...I'm really not a fan of the "MAN UP" statements that everyone seems to jump on, to me that is just an effin mind game...right along the lines of when you ask wifey what's wrong and you get the NOTHING!! answer, to which my usual response is "good, because I thought you were mad..."
Part of the problem is that we spend very little time together...I'm surprised no one picked up on it...she sits in the TV room and I'm in the family room everynight on the computer for probably the last couple hours of the day before bed...20ft apart, but there is a wall and door between us...hence the date night theory...and maybe we need to go for a walk together after dinner each night...I think it is those little things that are missing which are a bigger thing for her than she lets on...
I'm not sure how much you've read here about the 'manning up' stuff. But, it's not about belching, farting and being foul-mouthed (as I sort of thought in the beginngin). This last part where you talk about being 20ft apart, maybe a little walk, maybe the little things, maybe, maybe. This is what needs to man up. Tell her (don't demand), but tell her, 'we need to go for a walk', 'we need to stop watching tv/computer', 'we need to do <figure it out>' so that WE can do stuff together - and connect and have sex. And tell her you are not happy with how things are, and that you are going to do things to make yourself happy. With or without her - and tell her, the preference is with her.
Sitting around waiting and saying 'maybe' hasn't gotten you too far it would seem. So, change it up. Trust me, I was not a believer in the man up crap a few months back. It ain't crap. My wife was actually sitting on my lap kissing me the other night. (At least it looked like her - not sure who was in her body, but I was groovin on it!) Good luck to you both!
I'm not sure how much you've read here about the 'manning up' stuff. But, it's not about belching, farting and being foul-mouthed (as I sort of thought in the beginngin). This last part where you talk about being 20ft apart, maybe a little walk, maybe the little things, maybe, maybe. This is what needs to man up. Tell her (don't demand), but tell her, 'we need to go for a walk', 'we need to stop watching tv/computer', 'we need to do <figure it out>' so that WE can do stuff together - and connect and have sex. And tell her you are not happy with how things are, and that you are going to do things to make yourself happy. With or without her - and tell her, the preference is with her.
Sitting around waiting and saying 'maybe' hasn't gotten you too far it would seem. So, change it up. Trust me, I was not a believer in the man up crap a few months back. It ain't crap. My wife was actually sitting on my lap kissing me the other night. (At least it looked like her - not sure who was in her body, but I was groovin on it!) Good luck to you both!
Totally agree...but some people in here are pushing the "don't do what she wants until she does what you want" kinda stuff as the MAN UP mantra...to me that is immature mind game crap that I'm not gonna get into...
I want the stuff she likes (holding hands, cuddling, hugs...I like hugs ), but I also want more sex...and not the "are you done yet?" type of sex...tonights dog walk should be good...a nice hour out of the house for a walk and talk session...just like being a manager at work, you can't just b1tch about the situation, you need to have a plan to make a change...otherwise it's just b1tchin'...
No expectations of tonight other than a plan that we both agree to work on...
The fact that she answered you with "so, you're done with me then?" means that she doesn't think you're committed to your marriage forever. She is living her life waiting for you to leave. Most women aren't unaware of what's going on - she must know that you're unhappy, and if you combine that with insecurity, she's just waiting for you to give up and leave.
She's trying to protect herself by pulling away from you, because she "knows" that you'll leave. (Of course, this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the more she pulls away from you, the more likely it is that you actually will leave.)
I think you need to address her insecurities in order to fix this.
What's her self esteem like? How does she feel about herself as an individual (NOT a mother)? Does she feel beautiful (this is a completely separate issue from whether you tell her she's beautiful - does SHE feel beautiful)? Does she feel appreciated (I don't mean this in a "nice guy" kind of way - but if she feels invisible, that can contribute to insecurity)?
I say this with some experience. It's quite easy for women to feel insecure in relationships - even a marriage - and even a moderate amount of insecurity is enough to turn "he's not happy" into "he's going to leave me" in a woman's head.
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Went out on a date night last night... 
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Re: Went out on a date night last night... 
