uphillbattle

I normaly agree with most of what you say. That being said, she did nothing fraudulent here. She was like that from the start. She didn't rock his world then just take it away. He has known from the start the bill of goods he was getting.

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"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."ALBERT EINSTEIN

unbelievable

If I apply to be a jockey, the implication is that I'm willing to ride a horse. If I sign a contract but then refuse to ride, I have defrauded my employer.

uphillbattle

If you have never shown the ability to ride a horse before being hired then your employer is a moron.

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"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."ALBERT EINSTEIN

unbelievable

A sex doll!!!! Are you serious??? He's not asking for acrobatics or porno sex. She's not even meeting the bare minimum acceptable requirements to even be considered a wife. If he expects her to maybe show signs of life, he's treating her like a sex doll???? She didn't agree to be his chess partner, his roommate, or his best friend forever. She agreed to be his wife. As she has apparently withheld sex from jump street, she entered into the arrangement knowing full well she never intended to actually be his sexual partner.

Laurae1967

Notice you glossed over the part where I say it takes two to tango? Maybe I'm hitting too close to home?

chillymorn

Heres the rub.

in all the years married to her and the countless conversations about the lack of sex/intamicy did she ever say I need more attention paid to me I don't really feel like you really love me because we don't connect the way I need to for me to want to make love.

if not then she has been decieving you by not really comunicating whats important to her. passive agressive.
punishining you for not knowing what to do to get her in the mood I'll bet she masterbates when your not around.


thats right it takes two to tango but both parties have to comunicate their needs. a fridget spouce for what ever reason dose not get a free pass if she isn't also trying to improve things.

find a woman on the side when she finds out sends her packing.

Laurae1967

This is what frustrates me about this board sometimes. People oversimplify complex problems. "He's a jerk. She's a *****."

The reality is that BOTH people are responsible for the state of thier marriage and sex life. BOTH.

For example, say there are things that I do that cause my husband to not want to give me affection. Say, too, that I don't always know what those things are because he doesn't tell me or only partially tells me. So anyway, my husband pulls back and gives me less affection. Then I notice he's not giving me much affection, and I get resentful and hurt. So I am even more apt to act in ways that make him not want to give me affection. But he isn't clear about it so all I really know is that my husband isn't giving me affection. And the less he gives, the more I get upset and the less I act in ways that motivate him to give me affection.

This is a DYNAMIC involving two people. It is complex because we all come to a marriage with our own baggage, our own individual ways of communicating, our own set of expectations, and our own insecurities and fears that often make seeing things clearly difficult.

So in what I described above, my husband should take responsibility for communicating what behaviors make him not want to be affectionate. And I need to be more aware of those so that he can give me more of what I want. But if one or the other is always looking to blame the other person, nothing every gets solved. Each person has a part to play.

If communicating our needs was easy, and if being exactly what our partner wanted was easy, this board would not be in existence!

I think posts in which people assume that the "offending" spouse is withholding on purpose, which is usually not the case, are not very productive.

AgentD

"We've had issues with sex our entire relationship."

I take that to mean even when you all were dating. Which means you went into the marriage knowing this. Maybe you hoped things would get better? Or did she just all of a sudden stop wanting to have sex once the ring went on her finger?

OR maybe when you were dating SHE felt like the only time you paid her any attention was when you wanted sex and she tried to tell you from the get go, and perhaps it was her who went into the marriage knowing this, and had hoped it would change? Regardless, it sounds like you both need some counseling if you both want to try and save the marriage

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"If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always gotten."

unbelievable

He was acceptable enough to marry but not acceptable enough to have sex with? She laid out the cheese and he fell for it. The trap has sprung and that is that. If she had been a willing sexual partner for the first portion of the marriage but gradually lost desire, you might have a point. In any case, withholding, especially to her degree, is sadistic and abusive. According to the OP, the relationship began this way. Same here. Before marriage, mine told me that sex was for marriage and that her reluctance was because she wasn't wed. I fell for it with predictable results. Come to find out mine was this way for years before she ever met me. Not everything is a guy's fault and not every woman enters into marriage with honorable intentions. Regardless of what my emotions are on any given day, she has reasonable expectations of me and I meet them. I don't get to abuse or neglect her on the days I'm not feeling great. If he's that horrible, she should leave him. She apparently prefers to slowly psychologiically castrate him because she lacks the integrity to physically castrate him. Somebody might actually identify her as an abuser if blood was involved. As it stands, she gets to pretend to the world that she is married and he gets to be chained forever to a sexless, passionless corpse. If he complains, he gets told it's his fault. Lovely.

Therealbrighteyes

She didn't enter in to anything under false pretenses. She has been remarkably consistant from what the OP states but there you go with your drum beating again of how women "trap" men regardless if that was the case or not.

uphillbattle

If one partner is not communicating what needs are not being met then yes it is cut and dry. Nobody should expect their partner to read their mind. It doesn't become the responsibility of the clueless party until they know it is a problem to begin with.

As much as I do agree that communicating is not all that easy, it doesn't make it any less the fault of the one not doing so. Nobody ever said marriage was easy.

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"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."ALBERT EINSTEIN

CallaLily

And when you have asked her about why she has such a disinterest in sex, what has she said? Has her answer been, "You only pay me attention when you want sex? if thats her answer, then listen to it. She just told you.

If that hasn't been her answer when you have asked her, then what is her answer as to why she doesn't want to?

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unbelievable

Therealbrighteyes,

If he knew before marriage that he was entering into a sexless union he wouldn't be frustrated or on this forum. I very seriously doubt she honestly told him prior to the nuptials that he would be having sex 2-4 time annually (if he was lucky). She didn't tell him that because she knew he would walk away like any intelligent person.

trey69

Good grief, I hope the OP comes back and clarifies somethings.

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"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

Therealbrighteyes

He said it has always been this way. I am only speaking to what he himself said.