marriageintrouble

We've had issues with sex our entire relationship. We used to fight about sex and her lack of interest in it. Over the past few years I've given up. We have sex somewhere between 4 and 6 times a year. I think we've had sex 4 times this year. I must NEVER pay attention to her because I never bother her for sex anymore.

I've had to use other outlets - I watch porn on the computer - mostly at night. I masturbate maybe 5-6 times a week. She resents it. But of course, she never wants to have sex so I just dont know what to do anymore. I don't want to cheat.

I'm miserable sexually. I just have no clue what to do.

trey69

I think you need to pay close attention to your title,and listen to it. I have to wonder, if a lot of these threads on here about lack of sex come from their spouse trying to tell them whats lacking, what they need or whats actually going on and the other spouse just isn't listening. Have you asked her WHY she feels this way? What other things do you do for her that would help her NOT think you are after just sex?

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"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

deejov

If you are taking care of yourself, she certainly isn't going to ASK you for sex. As you noted, you've given up.

A lot of women take resentments and anger to the bedroom. Little comments, not showing respect, not helping with family and house stuff, taking her for granted, not paying compliments, all around not treating her the same way you did when you were dating.

Lots of times that translates into "I don't like you" and no sex drive.

The rest of the time.... medical issues, just plain tired from raising a family with not much help, or getting it somewhere else.

If you really want to change the situation.. read a lot of posts here.
And start asking your wife some direct questions. And listen to what she is saying. Really listen.

Laurae1967

Yes, read the title of your thread. Your wife is telling you what the problem is. Now it's your job to fix it and it will probably take some time.

Ask her what type of attention she wants and how often she wants it. Do this sincerely and do NOT make fun of her or get defensive. Make a careful note of what she is saying. Then follow through. And if you don't fully understand what she wants, ask her for more details.

The trick in doing this is to start giving her what she wants but to NOT do it expecting sex. In fact, I would encourage you to just focus on being attentive, affectionate, and loving for at least a month before you even try to make the moves on her. Yes, a month. If you've been neglectful of her for a long time, it's going to take some time to set things right.

What you are really trying to do is to reconnect with her and remind her of what a loving, wonderful husband you are. That will make her want to have sex with you. How can she be turned on by someone she is resentful of? It's pretty hard.

Also take her out for dates, buy her small gifts (if that is her thing), give her back or foot rubs, help around the house, compliment her at least once a day and make it meaningful (not just "you look nice" but "That sweater really flatters your sexy body"), etc.

Also, make sure YOU are at your best. Shower and shave daily, wear deoderant, dress well, and don't walk around with smelly breath.

But make sure you do what SHE likes, not what YOU like, in terms of showing her love and affection. The sex will follow.

CallaLily

I dated a guy like this years ago. He paid attention to me mostly when he wanted sex and he would do things in hopes to get sex. That just didn't fly with me. I wanted him to sometimes to do things out of the kindness of his heart, or just because, not because he was hoping it would lead to sex. I often wondered if the way he operated came from just plain selfishness or entitlement issues.

I told him several times the very same thing your wife is telling you, but for whatever reason he just didn't get it. Or maybe he did and just didn't care. Since we were not married and had no kids, I didn't find it worth my while to invest in that kind of relationship any further, and I ended it. I agree with the others, pay attention to what she is trying to tell you.

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unbelievable

Your post says she's had a low sex drive your entire relationship. This isn't about you. It's her and it's just the way she is. She can (and will) run through a million excuses why she lacks desire and will paint most as your fault. Replace you with any other guy on the planet and she still has a low sex drive. Jump through flaming hoops and paint your behind bright purple and she still has a low sex drive. 4-6 times a year but you only pay attention to her when you want sex. See how ridiculous that sounds? It's utter nonsense! Do you go on vacation alone frequently but pop in once every 3 months for a little quickie? She denies you daily for 90 consecutive days but claims the problem is that you only want sex?

Dax

EXACTLY. I wish there was a like button on this board like in facebook. While you probably could pay her more attention, it is mostly her fault and on her why she doesn't want sex. Diverting the fault on you will make you look like the bad guy, and then she will get you to do whatever she wants. Don't be that sap.

CallaLily

Sorry but sometimes the other person can be a contributing factor as to why someone might not want sex with them.

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Enchantment

It's pretty normal and not uncommon within marriage to have differing sex drives. Barring mental or physical health issues, this disparity can often be overcome when both spouses are willing to work at it.

This seems like a classic case of 'his needs, her needs'. Lotsa women need to have that emotional connect to get in to sex, and your wife is telling you that connection isn't there for her. Lotsa men need the sex to feel that emotional connection. Seems like a catch-22. But, as the one here seeking advice, and even luckily with a bit of information from your wife on what her issue is, you can start to set some changes in place within your marriage that could make a big difference.

I suggest you go out to the marriagebuilders.com site and start reading up on meeting each other's need within marriage - paying attention to how you could work on meeting the emotional needs that she has in your marriage. If you can do that, you may find that she will want to meet your needs. I think that for many, many women most of their sex 'drive' is not so much physical, but emotiona/mental. You need to learn to work with that.

The Most Important Emotional Needs

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Best wishes.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

unbelievable

A woman willing to have sex only 2 or 4 times a year doesn't have simply a differing sex drive. She's sexually dead. According to the OP, this has been the case from the beginning of the relationship. She entered into an adult sexual relationship under fraudulent pretense. Her conduct is dishonest and abusive and I can't believe people here are so willing to excuse it. Rather than take responsibility for her own evil, dishonest, fraudulent, selfish behavior, she predictably blames her victim..and gets a free pass by many here.

Enchantment

Indeed not. It will take both of them being willing to work at it to make it work. Remember - he stated that the issues have been there from the beginning - so presumably he entered in to it willingly?

And, go read up about women's sex drives and how they differ from a man's. It's pretty easy for a woman's drive to be suppressed when there are a lot of negative relationship issues -a woman doesn't have the level of testosterone a man does to make it as physical of a need as a man has. That doesn't mean her drive is dead - it does mean it's different than his, and he (and you!) would do well to start understanding that.

Not every woman who has a suppressed drive is an evil, dishonest harpy. Maybe she just needs the right kind of man that will be able to bring out that sexual side of her.

Best wishes.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

trey69

To the OP, since this has been like this your entire relationship, is this a deal breaker for you? If so, how much time are you willing to stay in hopes it will change? I mean you did say it had always been like this.

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"When people are truly sick and tired of being sick and tired, that's when they will make a change."

Pteradactyl

Op- Does/did your wife have orgasms?

that_girl

She doesn't want sex because you don't show interest in her until you want sex. She's not a porn movie.

She also doesn't like you watching porn and jacking off 5-6 times a week. So, she figures you're already getting off, so why bother?

Just guessing, of course. I don't know your wife.

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Laurae1967

Unbelievable - this is such an extreme statement indicative of black and white thinking.

I'm sure his wife entered the marriage expecting her husband to be affectionate and reasonably attentive. I'm sure she did not expect to be treated like a sex doll, only acknoweldged when her husband wants a little sumpin' sumpin'.

So now, in addtion to him ignoring her unless he wants to get laid, she now sees him jerking it to porn.

Listen, I believe BOTH men and women have needs and expectations that should be met by their husband/wife. But it takes two to tango and the marriage dynamic does not happen in a vacuum, as much as we'd all like to blame everything on the other person.