Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I need your help. My wife recently told me she loves rough sex, it seriously turns her on like nothing else, but she doesn't want to do it with me because she says I'm her husband and she won't see me the same way again. Says it's the Madonna/***** complex and that if we did it she wouldn't be able to be with me again. She says she couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is into that but she's done it in the past and really got off. She also says with me it would be a turn off because I'm not into it naturally and doing that for her without wanting it would be a turn off. I really want to give her what she wants but I'm afraid to proceed for fear of losing her. Honestly I'm curious about and want to try it but again, don't want to lose her.
I would have already bent her over the kitchen table and pinned her ar...
uhh...someone will be along to help you out in a few.
I'm curious about her mindset with this. I like a bit of "lightly-rough" play. I completely trust H and knowing I'm safe is what makes this type of play appealing and possible for me. So is it that she gets a thrill from the unexpected of not knowing what's going to happen in how she's treated?
Would there be a level of this that you'd be into? I wonder how she'd respond if you blindfolded her, for the unexpected. You'd need to be in control. She wants a dom.
Maybe she can learn to appreciate there's a way to enjoy both a loving relationship and different modes of sexual interaction. I feel like I often suggest blindfolds in this forum. My H and I haven't played with blindfolds in years and even then, it's only been a handful of times. For some reason it's my default lousy advice: get a blindfold. I'm sorry.
I'm with tacoma ...someone will happen out in a few.
My husband and I are into rough sex. I love it. Choking, scratching, slamming, pulling, slapping (asses not faces), biting (I have drawn blood. Oops.) It's fun but you'll just have to bust out and take her.
Sometimes I like to do her doggystyle really fast and hard while pulling her hair. I only do it when I'm punishing her though. She gets turned on by it and orgasms quickly. Most girls are into being dominated like that.
See that's the thing I do want to do it. She says she likes deep throat, being spanked, hair pulling, choking, what have you, and she's scratched the **** out of me during sex because I guess I was hitting it pretty hard but I've tried putting my hand on her throat during normal sex, holding her down, and other stuff but she pulls away or doesn't respond in a good way. Then again I haven't really gone for it so to speak. In my head no means no because that's how I was raised but if she's telling me she wants to be taken I feel like throwing caution to the wind and just grabbing ahold of her and doing it.
In my head no means no because that's how I was raised but if she's telling me she wants to be taken I feel like throwing caution to the wind and just grabbing ahold of her and doing it.
Either agree to a safety word beforehand (preferable), OR when you're in the act and before you take it to the next level, tell her you're about to have your way with her and she can say "Batmobile" or something (haha, that's random I just made it up then) if things need to stop but otherwise you plan on doing with her what you what. Then get her to nod or say yes to agree.
I'd still say no means no.
If I play-fight with H and say "No, don't do that!" I always whisper afterwards "Yes, do that" and we both giggle. We had a safety word once or twice but really, we don't get that full-on with our rough play so it's not really needed for us.
I'm going to take your advice and start off with suggesting a blindfold and see where that goes. She's made it very clear she isn't into S&M as she finds the whole whip/leather thing kitschy(as do I). I'm fairly familiar with the human psyche and I know that people will do one of two things to get what they want, either suppress it which leads to problems or go out and get it. If she can't get it from me, well I don't even want to think about the alternative.
I'd maybe proceed with caution over the 'couldn't be with you again after' stuff. Why does she feel that way?
Yeah I don't know. That's the part that stops me right in my tracks. I spoke to a chick I'm close to about it and she told me she thinks my wife is asking permission to either do it with someone else (which I am NOT ok with) or she's throwing it in my face....
I probably should have added a little back story to begin with. This all started from her mentioning that she was upset I watched porn without her because she enjoys it too and watched it independent of me. When I asked her what she watched she didn't want to tell me because it was just a "fantasy" and not something she actually wanted. Of course this piqued my interest so I asked what she meant and she didn't want to tell me. Eventually after me insisting on knowing she told me the rest.
You'll have to be the one giving it to her. Letting someone else do it is simply not an option. Not. An. Option. You are her husband, end of that discussion.
That said, the psychology around rough sex is the trickiest part if you have no previous experience doing it that way. She sounds like she wants to be dominated, she just won't come right out and say it, she may be challenging you as the previous poster says. But that doesn't necessarily mean dominate with pain or bondage, just means you are confident and firmly in charge. The envelope needs to be pushed open a bit at a time, will need to exercise patience and keep in mind some things will work, others won't. Just have a fallback if she genuinely doesn't like something.
So the blindfold with gentle loving sounds like a good start. Perhaps once you get that going, you might pin her hands on the bed to either side of her head. If she's liking that, not resisting, then you can try pounding her silly from there. In other words, escalate a little at a time, not all at once. You'll have to read her carefully. Are her no's really no? Or does she want you to confidently push through those no's? Another aspect of dominance, it can be all verbal stuff, talking dirty, but doing it without getting very rough at all.
I know where most of my boundaries are, but as a former nice guy, it took me time (and a few different gf's) to get there and find them. So I totally get that about the "she's such a gentle snowflake I could never harm her" mindset. Found out that an early girlfriend liked having her ass spanked hard, well I had to step up and overcome my total reluctance to strike a woman in any manner in order to do that much. When I first started doing it as hard as she liked it, it felt wrong, but I managed to get past that. But even now while I enjoy giving a woman that experience, it's not something I'll do right off the bat, for me it has to be built up to in order to overcome my inhibition about striking other people. So patience is key as you will be working on yourself on adjusting your levels of confidence, comfort and restraint as much as you are working on finding out what and what doesn't turn her on. Good luck!!!
I think what your wife wants is what's called a ravishing fantasy (I dont say rape fantasy because rape is not consensual) Having a loved one "take her" in such a manner ruins the fantasy as it's obvious that there is no danger involved.
I recommend that you simulate the fantasy to the best of your ability.