Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I love my husband very much and we have great sex. The problem is that I have very little desire to have sex. Once we do, and I'm aroused, it's amazing! I feel that sometimes there is a lack of affection on a daily basis and when when we are, it's when he wants to have sex so I pull away. What can I do to increase my libido?! How can I bring up to him without blaming him? Any ideas or can anyone else relate?!
There are many things you can do to increase your libido. Depending on your age, when the levels of estrogen begin to drop a decrease in libido occurs. Things like toys, or trying something new may spice things up. Doing the same thing when having sex may become routine and not as exciting you know?
For you, sex does not make you feel loved. For your husband, sex is what makes him feel loved, appreciated and overjoyed. Most people get inside their own head and think "well this does not make me feel loved, so this cannot be something that makes him feel loved". They apply that lens into their decision making.
But, if you were to recognize and realize that giving him sex is a gift of that makes him feel loved, appreciated and the thing that will drive him to be the absolute best man and husband he can be for you.. And that by being the type of wife that takes joy and pleasure in making your husband's day and life be more fulfilled in all respects makes your life and marriage a great one... And that being this type of partner is a great way to live and will cause him to want to move heaven and earth in meeting your needs.... And you and your husband will have the wealth of a satisfied and superior marriage... Maybe this will increase your "libido".
I know that you didn't say whether you had kids or not, but I replied to a similar request in the following thread. I think that the advice I posted in that thread is something that could be pertinent for you.
It's essentially about making your spouse your priority. If you can try to do that in your marriage, you may be very surprised, and hopefully delighted, to find your husband willing to make you a priority, and somehow that seems to resolve a lot of libido issues.
HSS, why would you blame your husband? He's supposed to be sexually interested in his wife. If he wants to have sex with you, it means he's functioning exactly as he was designed to. He didn't ask for his sexual urges and he can't turn them off any more than he could tell himself to not feel hot, cold, thirst, or hunger.
You both enjoy sex, you just take a little longer to warm up than he does.
You mentioned that he only touches you when he wants sex...
You can try showing him what you want, by giving him a hug, touching him, rubbing his back, and saying you just want to cuddle.
That will let him know you truly just want to cuddle. Or, when he does touch you, can you say I really enjoy when we just touch sometimes.
It sounds like you are wanting a bit more affection without the pressure of having sex. Some affection that doesn't lead to sex might be helpful.
I'm in the same position. I have been working on my lack of libido. So far, so good. I'm with everyone else, and especially what unbelievable said. I would get aggravated because it seems the only time my H was affectionate was when he wanted sex... which was a lot, I would say the dreaded "not tonight" and he wouldn't be affectionate anymore that night. But one thing I learned with my H is that when he tries to even be a little affectionate, he would get turned on. I am flattered by that now, not aggravated like I used to get, and in fact because I'm flattered, I have a tendency to get a little turned on by him getting turned on. I don't know if that makes since, but its working to increase my libido some ;-) Posted via Mobile Device
His wife turns him on. What could be greater than that? You don't have to jump through hoops, get plastic surgery, or kill yourself in a gym to hold his attention. You turn him on just the way you are. Things could be much worse. He could be into your neighbor's wife, the neighbor's kids, the neighbor, the neighbor's dog.
He could have zero sexual interest in you.
His wife turns him on. What could be greater than that?.
I know, I see threads here everyday about women (and men) who can't seem to interest their spouse. I never thought about it when I was getting aggravated... but he's simply attracted to me, even at my worst ;-) I am beginning to appreciate it. Posted via Mobile Device
I think some people take an awful lot for granted. I'm sure it can be annoying to get approached for sex when you're not in the mood, but millions of married folks would give anything to feel their spouse desires them. Some don't even know how it feels to have their wife or husband initiate sex or a romantic moment.
I love my husband very much and we have great sex. The problem is that I have very little desire to have sex. Once we do, and I'm aroused, it's amazing! I feel that sometimes there is a lack of affection on a daily basis and when when we are, it's when he wants to have sex so I pull away. What can I do to increase my libido?! How can I bring up to him without blaming him? Any ideas or can anyone else relate?!
Honestly it sounds like the "problem" is 99 percent solved. What I mean is you know its a problem, and you like sex once its going. The arousal part is something that needs to be addressed. In a perfect world, everyone is aroused and the fireworks show begins after arousal. But I also agree with what others said here that you're lucky to have a spouse crazy about you and he's lucky you're here asking how to change it. Mine still thinks I'm crazy to want to have sex with her "all the time" and takes my continued desire/ability for granted. When I try to do more things to arouse my wife (aka "make love" all day), it doesn't work. To those of us on the higher side of drive, we see it as if you like it when it gets going, then take Nike's slogan and just do it. Maybe with less thought and more action, the arousal will naturally take care of itself over time OR you two will be in a better place to address how to keep it going by doing (insert what you need here). Just a thought...
I love my husband very much and we have great sex. The problem is that I have very little desire to have sex. Once we do, and I'm aroused, it's amazing! I feel that sometimes there is a lack of affection on a daily basis and when when we are, it's when he wants to have sex so I pull away. What can I do to increase my libido?! How can I bring up to him without blaming him? Any ideas or can anyone else relate?!
Unfortunately I've no answers for you, but I can relate... only from the other side. You sound like my wife. Outside the bedroom we have a wonderful marriage, inside the bedroom no desire (though through affection she will get aroused).
If you've talked things over with your husband and you two have no solution... then I think you need to do what we're about to do: see a sex therapist.
This may sound stupid, but I've been keeping a check list, and it's helped me focus on the time in between sessions. I've got columns for when I initiate sex, when my wife initiates sex, and who climaxes. When I see that it's been more than a couple days, I try to find the time to initiate. When I initiate, I feel more in control of the situation.
Rockstar, are you an accountant? Just curious, because I am and I have a pretty geeky Excel spreadsheet to track what weekends I spend with the family and what weekends I spend on my hobby (climbing) because the first couple years I did it I was a bit selfish with my time if you know what I mean.
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Why do I have NO libido?! 
