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The purpose of why men desire sex with a spouse?

108K views 1K replies 65 participants last post by  DustyDog 
#1 ·
OK, this seems like a stupid thread, but hang in there with me...

With the prevalence of so much internet porn as well as the the topic of self exploration having become more embraced by society, I thought I would start a discussion on what drives a man to desire sex with his spouse. While the answer is so obvious to some, perhaps this is not a clear cut issue. From conversations I have had with my own wife and from reading about others, here are some answers from women about why us husbands desire them:


  • Male hormones have us in a constant state of arousal.
  • We would want to have sex with anyone, but our wife happens to be the only available vagina in the relationship.
  • Because we got ourselves arbitrarily aroused and now need a physical release more so than reestablishing an emotional connection.
  • Because porn and masturbation occasionally become boring and we need something real every once and a while.
  • Because some men just need a lot of sex and do not care if they have to hurt their wives to get more of it.
  • We are biologically programmed to want sex every time we see a pair of tits.

Wives are also quick to address the reasons when we do NOT want to have sex:


  • We have been using too much porn.
  • Our hormones are low and we need to go to the doctor.
  • We are just not attracted at that moment.
  • We are too stressed out.

So for women out there that feel the above pretty much just puts it out there and tells it like it is, I want to say that you do NOT understand men!

I personally feel a desire to have sex with my wife, because I need to feel she accepts me in the relationship. And I do mean that quite literally in saying that I need to feel she accepts my physical being (mostly represented by my penis) into her physical being (mostly represented by her vagina) as a way to feel loved. Often this need to reaffirm feeling accepted is driven by moments of feeling disconnected from her (call that emotional distance if you will), resulting in a desire to reconnect physically. My emotions are my emotions and they become enhanced by hormones and transformed into an erection.

The moments I do not feel a desire to have sex would be because I am preoccupied with tending to other things. She already makes me feel loved that day. Or I just feel the need for some personal space.

Awkwardly with my personality, the times I desire her the most are when I am stressed out or angry with her. These moments coincide the most when I am emotionally and physically disconnected from her and need to reconnect. Those moments also coincide with a state of being that I think it would be very difficult for my wife to desire me, which makes it difficult for her to understand me.

Desire needs distance to thrive
Feeling loved desires feeling accepted

Does this makes sense?

Badsanta
 
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#2 ·
good evening
I want to have sex because it is fun. Its free, healthy, environmentally safe and more enjoyable than anything else. It is something I can share with my wife that I cannot share with anyone else. It makes me happy, it makes her happy. I see no downside to it at all, so I can never really understand why someone would not want it frequently.
 
#3 ·
I like to have sex with my wife because I think she's hot.

I do not need to feel accepted to think she's hot. However feeling NOT accepted by her makes me not think she's hot any more, depending on what I'm not accepted about.

Her being immature makes her not hot. Her being too needy makes her not hot. Her being irritatingly irrational makes her not hot. A lot of things can make her not hot, but for her to be hot, all she needs to do is show up and basically not do those things.

Feeling connected with her is a nice benefit of sex, but it doesn't change whether I find her hot or not.
 
#5 ·
Awesome post....

Hypothetically let us pretend your wife becomes disconnected and unaccepting of you because she says you are doing things that make you not hot. At the same time she is not doing all the right things, so she is super hot. Would this be a situation in which you remain confident and accuse her of being irrationally irrational so that she becomes not hot, ultimately allowing you to win at the game of playing hard to get and make HER feel the need to be accepted by you?

hmmmm, "hot or not!"

I like this!



Badsanta
 
#4 ·
I would say my desire probably stems from the extremely poor relationships I had with my parents. After being cut-off, and disowned, I want to be held and cherished, and feel like I am actually loved.

Granted, I fully realize that I am probably not loved by the girl I sleep with. But it's an escape that I can enjoy for a night to feel something, even if it is only a fantasy.
 
#15 ·
I totally agree with badsanta. But given all the benefit for both sides, some wives like mine gradually lose interest in sex. That is frustrating especially when she has no consideration for that frustration on husband's side. But that belongs to another topic.
Actually I think this topic is one and the same. I honestly think some wives loose interest in sex because they do not understand why we desire them. Some wives gradually grow over time to just feel used by their husbands, because they do not understand "what" drives us to desire them.

For women that feel this way, it almost becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because they engage in sex thinking we are just using them. They completely disconnect during the act of sex which in turn can make it an excruciatingly lonely experience for the husband. Regardless of how the husband reacts to that experience to try anything to reconnect, she will see it as him making her feel inadequate and that his lust to continue using her is insatiable.

So how do you turn that around?

First you have to acknowledge that woman are ALWAYS RIGHT! ...and that is that they are always right when they tell us how they feel. Husbands may feel that his wife does NOT have the right to feel that way, but arguing that will only serve to make us look like we do NOT listen to them or care about their feelings, which in turn fuels her feelings of just being used.

So how do husbands acknowledge that wives feel sexually used, and help her understand that us husbands simply feel the need to be physically accepted again in the relationship? Almost all options of going about this via arguing/debating about it will only serve to make us look weak which will result in her now feeling unprotected on top of all the other feelings she has about feeling used.

So what is a man to do? Well we go and have ourselves a mid-life crisis:



We imagine this:



But in reality a mid-life crisis husband that is really disconnected from his wife looks a little more like this:

 
#16 ·
The way to prove to your wife that she is not an interchangeable vagina is to stop having sex with her entirely. If she comes to you complaining that you don't have sex, you have something to work with. Then you can do all the BadSanta moves to reassure her how sexy she is, and how you only desire her and no other woman. If she doesn't come to you complaining that you don't have sex, you were right to stop having sex with her. Either way, the guy wins. Don't have sex with a woman who has no interest in having sex with you. When you can't tolerate not having sex, leave her. Or at least stop complaining.
 
#20 ·
The way to prove to your wife that she is not an interchangeable vagina is to stop having sex with her entirely. If she comes to you complaining that you don't have sex, you have something to work with. Then you can do all the BadSanta moves to reassure her how sexy she is, and how you only desire her and no other woman. If she doesn't come to you complaining that you don't have sex, you were right to stop having sex with her. Either way, the guy wins. Don't have sex with a woman who has no interest in having sex with you. When you can't tolerate not having sex, leave her. Or at least stop complaining.
@Holdingontoit given your wife's history (rape victim) it is easy to see why it is likely she would associate sex with being used. You also admit that she is still receptive for sex on occasion to please you, you choose NOT to partake in it until she admits that she will ALSO be able to enjoy it.

What I am getting at, is in your case sex with your wife results in you feeling extremely disconnected from her, so you have chosen to abstain as a way to be closer to her. Your reason for NOT having sex is ultimately what drives men to have sex, and that is to feel connected to your wife. You do NOT want to use her, you just want to feel close to her and that dominates your sexual response in the form of just abstaining.

There is a reason you are in this thread @Holdingontoit and I think your case illustrates a somewhat rather extreme case of a man's desire to connect with his wife.

Badsanta
 
#32 ·
Sex is the best way to connect with your SO. But what really turns me on and makes sex better, is when she desires me. Knowing that she truly wants to please me and have me inside her is the biggest compliment. She thinks I'm #1 and only wants me. If she didn't want/desire me to f*ck her brains out, then the sex wouldn't mean anything.
 
#34 ·
For me, I wanted to have sex with my wife because it was something that she desired. It was a way to enhance the connection, not to be the connection. When she rejected me or neglected me, she was basically saying to me, that this is not important enough to our relationship to bother. I wanted to be desired, sexually, because no matter how you look at it - at the absolute basic level - sex is what a marriage is all about (or should be). I don't ask a woman out because I don't want to have sex with her. Most women do not agree to go out unless they may want to have sex with a guy. They certainly don't continue to go out with a guy if they know they will not have sex with that guy. Marriage is simply a more permanent extension of this thinking. Sex with your SO is normally the one thing that you and your SO do together and with no other people. So yes my wife having sex with me was to enhance and reaffirm the bond I thought we had. Otherwise we would just be friends, except no friend would expect you to pay for the house, maintain the house and cars, pay for their kids to go to college etc etc.
 
#36 ·
Good evening
agreed, but I do want to make sure that people keep in mind that there is a LOT of variation. You can't just take sort of an "average" of what men (or women) think about sex. You have to look at all the posts and form a picture of the range of meanings it has to different people. Then of course find someone who's feelings about sex are compatible with yours.





I think a lot of women would benefit from three things:

1) Reading some of the threads, like this one, on TAM.
2) Reading up on menopause.
3) Reading up on andropause.

The first would help them to understand men better; most of us really have no clue how men feel about sex, other than superficially. The second and third would give them a sense of urgency, instilling in them the knowledge that their ability (and/or their husband's) to enjoy sex to the fullest may not last forever and that they should be making the most of it while they can.
 
#39 ·
This has been a wonderful thread and I hope that both men and women can gain some appreciation for their SO with it.

I have seen it written many times that men need sex to have love, where as, women need love in order to want sex. I believe that there is some truth in that simple statement.

So I am with BS in that I desire sex with my wife in order to bond and connect with her. The physical act of sex speaks volumes to me. When it is consensual and she is an active participant, it is such a rush to be with her and I feel connected to her on such a deep level. When she is just going through the motions and "allows" me to have sex, the connection is not that deep and the act is unsatisfying.

I have learned that in order for my wife to feel connected, she wants to emote and have me reflect back to her so that she knows I am truly listening to her. She appreciates the action I do for her but she really wants is to feel that I hear what she is saying and that I am not being critical of her. It is something that I have to work on daily in order to not slip into a typical guys way of thinking.

There is a definite difference between us as to what makes us feel loved. Men and women both need to realize that just because you like it one way, does not mean your partner feels the same way. A little listening and reciprocity goes a long way.

To the ladies that feel like an "interchangeable vagina", I would say see it through the eyes of your SO. I would say the same thing to the guys that complain that their wife's won't have sex with them. You need to express to your SO know what is important to you in a language they can understand and give them a chance to meet your needs.
 
#42 ·
The way I would say it from this man's perspective is that I am attracted to a pretty wide range of women. But I choose to have sex with this particular woman, and this one only, because I love her and am committed to her.

So my sexual energy becomes rather focused on her. And this set of things may make her feel like I'm just horny and any hot woman will do.

Which is technically true if I were single. However -- just from a sexual perspective -- my particular wife fits my attraction type rather well, and knows my turn-ons quite well, and is quite GGG. So even if I wasn't committed to her, I'd probably mostly just have sex with her anyway. Because that set of features: physical type, knows what I want, and is happy to give me what I want is actually quite rare.

And that's purely just the sex/attraction talking.

And then you heap on the fact that I'm head over heels for her, and committed to her. So there's the emotional aspect and the trust aspect. And we have a rather long shared history, and mutual vulnerability, which leads to a pretty strong sense of intimacy.

So -- from a purely sexual aspect -- any hot woman will do, but I'd probably mostly choose my wife anyway.

But from an all in perspective, I will only choose my wife because I love her and because I committed to her.

So when you bake all that in, that's kind of the picture that I see.

And I bet for women it's pretty much the same.
 
#86 ·
So -- from a purely sexual aspect -- any hot woman will do
Exactly! The rest is just blah, blah, blah, as far as I can tell.

I mean sure, you choose to have sex with her instead of someone else. For now.

Don't get me wrong, I believe you love your wife. I'm just questioning the "sex = connection" piece.

Sex = connection when it suits. Otherwise, we'll, it's just sex.
 
#48 ·
You had me until you got to your last sentence. It's not pretty much the same for most women, actually. I have to be attracted to a guy to want to have sex, but that's not nearly enough. I have to feel that he thinks I'm extremely attractive and I have to feel literally *adored* (don't laugh, I mean it and I chose that word carefully) and valued by him to enjoy sex with him.
If you were single, what would your dating life be like?

How would mr new hot guy make you feel adored?
 
#53 ·
To feel that I'm extra-special to him, that nobody else could get his attention if I'm in the room. To observe him making plans that facilitate getting to know me better because nothing else much matters to him more than getting to know me better...that kind of thing.
Sure. Basic stuff.

All of that stuff becomes "love" and "commitment" when you get into an LTR.

So I guess I'm unclear on how you're any different that way than what I said above.
 
#55 ·
Women can understand how men feel about sex if they think about how they feel about having friends. Having friends is more than just the basic function of having a companion at lunch. Having friends provides a fullness and meaning to life that allows joy in all other areas. If a woman didn't have any friends, it would likely have a very depressing effect on her personality. She would likely not feel very worthy as a person and not find as much happiness in life. She would constantly wonder what was wrong with her and likely feel like a loser.

I feel the same way about sex. It is so much more than just the physical act. It makes me feel valuable as a person to the world. When I had a good sex life, I enjoyed everything so much more. Now that my marriage is sexless, I cannot find joy in anything. Even on vacation, it all just seems so dull and pointless. I feel like I'm pretending to have fun so that I don't have to think about how living sexless makes me feel like a loser.
 
#64 ·
I understand the feeling, but ultimately, the lack of sex is not the problem here.

the problem (in both scenarios you described above) is that you derive your feeling of self worth from your relationship to others.

you have an innate self worth that you can discover and that can make these other things merely nice add ons, not requirements for fulfillment.
 
#61 ·
Because "any hot guy" *won't* do, if I'm single. I'd go without sex if I can't get the rest of the package.
I guess I didn't make myself clear.

You are attracted to men whether or not they adore you, yes? Not as in "let's jump into bed" but as in the "you're hot" checkbox gets ticked off.

And then if someone adores you, you might have sex with them. Because both the "hot" and "adores me" boxes get ticked.

So, even though you're attracted to a wide range of men, you fixate that sexuality on the one that currently adores you and you choose to sleep with.

And in that way, your man isn't just an interchangeable penis any more than my wife is an interchangeable vagina.
 
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