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I am guessing he masturbates.. his NOT being religious sure throws a monkey wrench into all this though ! I was sure his issues had something to do with feeling "shame" or something twisted...I have another question, he refuses to talk about masturbation. He says I have to respect his limits and not talk about it. Is this normal? I feel like I can't open up completely because there are 'secrets' so I never really know what he's thinking. He says Im overthinking things, that he just doesn't like talking about it. I'm sorry, Im a mess.
He needs to be willing to read this book- written by a sex therapist, highly recommended....He's never gone down on me but he enjoys me going down on him. The thing is he's never tried it so how does he know he won't like it?
"When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue," writes clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. in She Comes First, a straightforward, intimate, and exuberant guide to cunnilingus. Kerner first explored "the oral caress" as a way of compensating for his "sexual inadequacies," and quickly learned that women not only welcomed but often preferred "the way of the tongue," reaching orgasm more consistently than through intercourse. Kerner educates readers about the clitoris, "the powerhouse of pleasure," with 18 parts and 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as the penis) and describes female sexual response from "foreplay" through "coreplay" to "moreplay."
A large part of the book is a graphic, detailed primer on "mouth music," including best positions, step-by-step techniques (illustrated), and tips for tongue and fingers. How long should this last? Until the woman has an orgasm or many, says Kerner, and "melts blissfully before your eyes." "The vast majority of women complain about guys who don't like to do it, don't know how to do it, or simply don't do it nearly enough," writes Kerner. This book will change that. Women: Buy it for your partner!
Dispelling the widely held myth of genital penetration as the apogee of sexual pleasure, Kerner, who holds a doctorate in clinical sexology, offers this witty, well-researched manual for "consistently leading women to orgasm" through cunnilingus. Loaded with practical anatomical information (the clitoris has 18 distinct parts, and more nerve fibers than any other part of the human body) and graphic line drawings, the book also touches on the less mechanical, more psychological aspects of oral sex, including the three assurances every woman needs from her lover to feel comfortable:
(1) "you enjoy it as much as she does";
(2) "there's no rush"; and
(3) "Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence." Since studies show the average woman takes about 20 minutes to reach her first orgasm during a typical sex session, while men take a mere four minutes, Kerner advises men to delay their own climax and make oral sex "coreplay" ("the substantive phase in which sexual tension builds, culminates and then releases itself through the female orgasm"), instead of foreplay. Breaking down six stages of coreplay, from the "first kiss" to orgasm, Kerner speaks to both beginners and more seasoned lovers. His candor concerning his own bout with sexual dysfunction adds a compassionate tone and credibility to this decidedly pro-female methodology.
This isn't true. He has problems that are interfering with his relationship with his wife. If he loved and respected you, he would be resolving his issues, and finding ways to better serve you. Not making up excuses, and trying to make it your problem.Thanks for all the responses. It feels good to be able to talk about this.
Im not sure why he feels uncomfortable talking about sex. I don't think he was abused or that he has a lover or uses porn. It would really make me angry if he had a lover and was making me feel like a crazy person for wanting more connection and more sex.
He's a good guy and i really would like to fix and improve things. I'd love to find a middle ground where we're both comfortable and happy but he always comes back to the idea that i want to change him and that if i loved and respected him I would accept him for who he is.
Lol, seriously? That is one of those statements that is so stupid, you don't even know what to say in response. He's wrong, and you need to start telling him so.I suggested to read that book and he got very offended because he said it was a selfish thing to want to come first.
I'm sorry :/ The core issue is that your husband is selfish. It's his job to meet your needs, and he is shirking that responsibility because he feels like doing so.I explained that it would take the pressure off him but he didnt' seem to agree with me. I would love for him to read something like that.
I think he has a block of some kind. Not sure why but i was trying to tell him today that sex should be something good and enjoyable not something taboo. I just dont know how to help him if he doesn't talk to me.
We haven't had much sex this year but he doesn't seem to mind sadly, which of course makes me think the worse things. How can he not be interested in sex?
This is all so hard, makes me want to cry.
What Anon Pink said. Quit sleeping with him. Don't give him what he is selfishly denying you. If you do, stop him and get up before he finishes. If he complains, use the lines he's been using on you. Word for flippin word. In no circumstance should you continue pleasing him in bed while he willfully neglects your needs.I want to believe that he isn't selfish, that he has a big block or something that is preventing even to think about the problem, let alone work on it. But the fact that he throws it back at me saying it's my problem and that I'm ruining our marriage because of an orgasm is not very nice.
Your kids are testament to the fact that he is receiving physical pleasure from the act. It is nothing but selfish to deny it to you.That's the issue. He's questioning my character because he says i degrade our lovemaking if I also seek physical pleasure. Shouldn't it be both loving and physically pleasurable???
Tell him this. Exactly, word for word. If he starts to shift the blame to you by shaming you for wanting the same sexual gratification he gets every god dammed time, hold up your hand. Tell him when he can have sex without ejaculating consistently you'd be happy to discuss the nature of sexual love but until then sex will be a two way street or it won't be happening at all.I'm very afraid of falling into an affair. I'm trying very hard to keep myself occupied like getting a job for example. But the truth is that the desire is still there and sometimes i feel like I can't breathe when i think about my life like this from now on. I just don't know how to get to him. Or like you said, he most likely won't ever change his views. Makes me very sad....
This may seem off-topic, but do you have children?Thanks for responding. I have told him this and he responded that I would be a horrible person for not accepting his shortcomings.
This is what I'm afraid of, that there is nothing I can do anymore short of living a celibate life. But what he doesn't realize or doesnt want to see is that it will change the whole dynamic of our marriage. Everything will start crumbling because if we can't have a sexual relationship then we become business partners, the business being our family. But there will be resentment and anger.
This is why I'm trying to turn it all off, to see if I can forget about sex. I need to stop being angry because that is hurting me and affecting my kids.