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How do I turn off desire?

16K views 137 replies 26 participants last post by  BlueEyedWife 
#1 · (Edited)
#3 ·
Have been married for almost 19 years and have been faking it for most of that time but have recently through post on this site realize that it's my fault that I haven't been fulfill sexually. As women we buy into the fact that it's our partners responsibility to make us come but I've found out its not entirely true. You have to know your body enough to know what feels good to you and the only I found out was through self exploration. I also had to come clean to my husband. I enjoy having sex with him and am willing to engage in this activity anytime but I had to get over all the shame that I was conditioned to have as a "good girl". My advice is to buy you a vibrator with a clitoral stimulator like the rabbit and lock the door. You can ask your husband to play but if he won't than play by yourself. Also try to explain to your husband that sex has to be mutually satisfying experience in a marriage or else he will be flying solo as far as intimate activities are concerned.
 
#4 · (Edited)
Assuming you don't have orgasms on your own, that would be a great place to start. You need to know your own body first, and figure out what works for you and what will get you there. Not all of the pressure (or blame) should be on your husband.

That said, why does he not perform oral sex? Some 70% of women will not orgasm through PIV sex alone, and something else is absolutely required - oral sex being the easiest and, I assume, most fun.

My ex wife could not orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation (overly sensitive clit, painfully so), so oral sex wouldn't work for her. I still went down there, just avoided the clit, while she stimulated herself with a vibrator (again, not directly on her clit). She would also do the same during PIV, and she would have orgasms either way.

We/she learned this through exploration, on her own, or with me present, as well as a lot of communication. Basically, we figured it out.

Right now you're stuck. Your husband won't perform oral (again, WTH???) and you're one of the 70% for whom PIV doesn't result in orgasm.

A good starting point - masturbate if you don't already do so. Men generally don't have to figure out what it takes for them to have an orgasm, but women certainly do, and self-exploration is the only way.

During PIV sex, rub your clit, or have your husband do it. Easiest position for this is doggy style (from behind). I've only been with a handful of women in my life, and all of them have done this, even if they orgasm from PIV, like my wife does.

And I strongly suggest you guys get to the bottom of why he won't perform oral sex on you - ESPECIALLY if you do on him. Clitoral stimulation, as I've said, is the primary (and often the ONLY way) for a woman to reach orgasm. If he absolutely refuses to get over his hang up in that department, then at the very least, he should be manually stimulating you, before and/or during PIV sex.

So, bluntly put: figure it out, instead of doing the same thing over and over again with the same result.
 
#5 ·
Counseling usually doesn't change people, just helps you understand each other, as you found out, he doesn't desire to help you orgasm for whatever reason.

I agree with suggestions above, stimulate yourself during sex, use a vibrator during sex to help you orgasm. For do it yourself sex, get a vibrator or a rabbit. My wife has a rabbit
we use along with sex sometimes, it works wonders for her. DON"T give up on desire though, embrace it! Have fun even if hubby won't help you out.
 
#6 ·
First of all, can you have an orgasm by yourself? If you don't know, then it's time to find out! If not, then even if your husband is willing to assist, you probably won't have one then either. If you can, then do it yourself when you have sex with him, and he may see what's missing and change his attitude.
 
#12 ·
I have another question, he refuses to talk about masturbation. He says I have to respect his limits and not talk about it. Is this normal? I feel like I can't open up completely because there are 'secrets' so I never really know what he's thinking. He says Im overthinking things, that he just doesn't like talking about it. I'm sorry, Im a mess.
I am guessing he masturbates.. his NOT being religious sure throws a monkey wrench into all this though ! I was sure his issues had something to do with feeling "shame" or something twisted...

How was he raised.. what are his parents like.. do you know if he was ever sexually abused ?

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself for what you did.. your intention was to spice up the marriage bed... in your weakness & vulnerability, from what is lacking at home .. you got caught up in a sexy exchange.. Anyone walking in your shoes could have easily fell..

What you are struggling with here...if not resolved with better communication and some effort on his part .. you will end up leaving this man.. he needs to understand that..

I give you credit for standing by him.. and doing all you can to find a solution.. but after a while. this is going to get real old.. he needs to step up and be a willing partner..

I hope he is not sneaking porn on the side.. if so..he sure has nothing on you !
 
#9 ·
Wow....your story is what a lot of men go through dealing with a repressed wife !! I feel for you.. he doesn't sound "workable" or open to new things.. spicing.. learning how to please you.. Is your husband a religious man? Why do you feel he has the aversions he does? Just trying to understand better... I would be very frustrated if I was you..

What works for you -alone to bring you to an "O"?
 
#11 ·
Thanks for taking the time to answer. Yes I deeply regret the online thing. and it has gotten worse after that. I know there's a big trust issue, which I know it's not easy to overcome if ever. But I wish he and I could talk about it and try to figure it out. The irony is that I went to that site to find out what I could do to spice things up with him, to find out what men liked. Of course it was the wrong place to go and again I regret it immensely but I don't think he'll ever forgive me. Or he's hiding behind that to get his way...

I went to counseling alone at first and he joined me for a few sessions (4) but he was very defensive and not willing to budge an inch. He has a big thing about me not accepting who he is. I don't want him to change, I just want him to try a few new things to share what i like.

He's never gone down on me but he enjoys me going down on him. The thing is he's never tried it so how does he know he won't like it?
 
#13 ·
He's never gone down on me but he enjoys me going down on him. The thing is he's never tried it so how does he know he won't like it?
He needs to be willing to read this book- written by a sex therapist, highly recommended....

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

"When it comes to pleasuring women and conversing in the language of love, cunnilingus should be every man's native tongue," writes clinical sexologist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. in She Comes First, a straightforward, intimate, and exuberant guide to cunnilingus. Kerner first explored "the oral caress" as a way of compensating for his "sexual inadequacies," and quickly learned that women not only welcomed but often preferred "the way of the tongue," reaching orgasm more consistently than through intercourse. Kerner educates readers about the clitoris, "the powerhouse of pleasure," with 18 parts and 8,000 nerve endings (twice as many as the penis) and describes female sexual response from "foreplay" through "coreplay" to "moreplay."

A large part of the book is a graphic, detailed primer on "mouth music," including best positions, step-by-step techniques (illustrated), and tips for tongue and fingers. How long should this last? Until the woman has an orgasm or many, says Kerner, and "melts blissfully before your eyes." "The vast majority of women complain about guys who don't like to do it, don't know how to do it, or simply don't do it nearly enough," writes Kerner. This book will change that. Women: Buy it for your partner!
Dispelling the widely held myth of genital penetration as the apogee of sexual pleasure, Kerner, who holds a doctorate in clinical sexology, offers this witty, well-researched manual for "consistently leading women to orgasm" through cunnilingus. Loaded with practical anatomical information (the clitoris has 18 distinct parts, and more nerve fibers than any other part of the human body) and graphic line drawings, the book also touches on the less mechanical, more psychological aspects of oral sex, including the three assurances every woman needs from her lover to feel comfortable:

(1) "you enjoy it as much as she does";
(2) "there's no rush"; and
(3) "Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: it all emanates from the same beautiful essence." Since studies show the average woman takes about 20 minutes to reach her first orgasm during a typical sex session, while men take a mere four minutes, Kerner advises men to delay their own climax and make oral sex "coreplay" ("the substantive phase in which sexual tension builds, culminates and then releases itself through the female orgasm"), instead of foreplay. Breaking down six stages of coreplay, from the "first kiss" to orgasm, Kerner speaks to both beginners and more seasoned lovers. His candor concerning his own bout with sexual dysfunction adds a compassionate tone and credibility to this decidedly pro-female methodology.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Stop having sex with him, or "helping him out" in that respect in any way. If he wants to be uninterested in meeting his wife's desires and needs, then he can go without as well. He needs to get over himself, and start doing what's necessary to keep his wife happy, and your relationship healthy.

You reap what you sow. Give him a taste of his own medicine and I bet you'll get his attention real quick.
 
#17 ·
wow! Sorry to read this but that seems to be my problem. My wife has made it a holiness issue concerning making love. I have never failed to please her by making certain she has at least on orgasm which only happens by clitoral manipulation, which I am pleased to help with. Yet, she has come to the conclusion that to make love (enjoying and exploring each other's body) is not the way to love Jesus. I am at the point that we have "sex" only when she wants it, so my question is also "how does a man turn off the desire" for a wife he loves for over 25 years?
 
#54 ·
Have her read "the act of marriage" its a great christian based book about the truth about gods purpose for sex. It really opened my eyes, made me not shameful of things that i used to view as gross or perverted (or un-lady-like).


OP same advice... have him read this book. Even if he isnt religious it still points out some actual psychology on a happy sex life and specifically how to have a happy sex life.

I just want to point out that just because he doesnt want to do oral for you doesnt make him a bad guy. He may just be shy about the whole thing. But, i would definitely not give him oral unless he agrees to do you! Make sure you both take a bath first. He may be turned off by odor or what is possibly gross down there. I get that. I often think about how sucky it must be to have to lick a women down there. If i was a man i dont know if i could do it unless we were in the bath or something. I still cant give oral on my husband unless he just showered. I cant help but think about the germs and sweat and pee thats probably down there lol hey its the truth. A lot of people dont mind but I do!...im just pointing out that he may just be turned off by that.

He is right in that, you knew how he was in the beginning of your marriage. Its actually your problem that you changed..its unfair to expect him to change.

Oh boy... the cheating issue (which it sounds like to me you emotionally cheated.) Of course this is making it worse! Anytime you bring up that he needs to please you (even just by hinting to go down on you or stimulate you) you are forcing him to remember that you arent pleased and then he remembers your little affair. That automatically makes him resentful and not in the mood to help you out. How can he get into it with all those painful feelings in his head. First its painful that his wife doesnt enjoy his sex (in the Act of Marriage it talks about how important it is for a husband to know that his wife likes what he is doing to her) So basically you have hurt him twice over this issue. Once with admitting you arent pleased and again when you went somewhere else to feel good.

My advice is that you need to give up on this for a really really long time. Meanwhile, please yourself behind closed doors, without him knowing (because i think that will just remind him that you are not pleased).

During this waiting period, try to make him feel like he is doing a good job, even if he isnt. You need to build his confidence back up. So, find something that you do like, even if it doesnt make you O, and make sure you show him that you love it when he does that. So if you enjoy him kissing your neck, whisper to him " god, i love it when you do that". Then when you finish, even if you dont O, tell him how much you enjoyed it. "Wow, i think that was the best we have ever had!" Or " that was amazing babe" act thoroughly pleased and happy.

You need to do this for a really long time. Im talking maybe a year or 2. Then revisit trying new things in a loving way when his ego and confidence is back up. If he doesnt like instruction, try guiding his hand during a heated moment to where you want it to go, he may be so into it that he attempts what you are wanting. If he does start to stimulate you the right way, tell him immediately how good it feels when he does it like that. Tell him he only has to do it for as long as he feels comfortable. If he gets to being too fast or rough (or whatever it was you didnt like) just take his hand and move it up to your breast and tell him in a sexy way (not a disappointed way) "dont worry about me baby". As frustrating as it is, you will have to take baby steps to "teach" him without hurting his ego. You can try again next time. You can always please yourself afterwards to relieve the desire.

I think he is just someone who doesnt like oral honestly. I dont blame him. My husband likes anal, i think it is completely gross (although i allow it when he wants it) but i just do not see how that is sexy at all. But i enjoy his reaction from it, so i do get something out of it, too. I hear that some women enjoy licking the anal region... im sorry but i could never ever do this. So you see, everyone has things they just really dont want to do and probably never will no matter how much their spouse wants it.

It might be a shyness thing. He might feel awkward doing oral. I feel awkward touching myself for my husband. I make him do it. Luckily he never asks for that, im not sure if i could ever do that for him, just because id be shy. My best friends husband loooves for her to masterbate for him. She is the type that doesnt masterbate, never has, so the entire journey of her opening up to him and finally having enough confidence to do that for him was very inspiring to me. He was patient with her, didnt make her feel like sex was horrible unless she did it, and he did a good job of making her comfortable and confident. It actually made me open up to letting my husband do anal, even though i was super embarrassed to do it the first time, and i actually had to be drunk to find the courage (as did my friend for her first time masterbating in front of her husband). Btw... it took me 8 years to agree to do anal. Soo... dont expect change over night. One of the things that made me really want to do it for him was when he would say "its not a big deal baby, i love what we already do, its just something different."

I dont think it has anything to do with the fact that he isnt interested in pleasing you. I think you have hurt his ego and is feeling self conscious about even trying. I think he may be hiding behind the fact that its "perverted" because he is afraid of the embarrassment when he doesnt do it right, or isnt successful.

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#19 · (Edited)
Thanks for all the responses. It feels good to be able to talk about this.

Im not sure why he feels uncomfortable talking about sex. I don't think he was abused or that he has a lover or uses porn. It would really make me angry if he had a lover and was making me feel like a crazy person for wanting more connection and more sex.

He's a good guy and i really would like to fix and improve things. I'd love to find a middle ground where we're both comfortable and happy but he always comes back to the idea that i want to change him and that if i loved and respected him I would accept him for who he is.
This isn't true. He has problems that are interfering with his relationship with his wife. If he loved and respected you, he would be resolving his issues, and finding ways to better serve you. Not making up excuses, and trying to make it your problem.

I suggested to read that book and he got very offended because he said it was a selfish thing to want to come first.
Lol, seriously? That is one of those statements that is so stupid, you don't even know what to say in response. He's wrong, and you need to start telling him so.

I explained that it would take the pressure off him but he didnt' seem to agree with me. I would love for him to read something like that.

I think he has a block of some kind. Not sure why but i was trying to tell him today that sex should be something good and enjoyable not something taboo. I just dont know how to help him if he doesn't talk to me.

We haven't had much sex this year but he doesn't seem to mind sadly, which of course makes me think the worse things. How can he not be interested in sex?

This is all so hard, makes me want to cry.
I'm sorry :/ The core issue is that your husband is selfish. It's his job to meet your needs, and he is shirking that responsibility because he feels like doing so.

You may need to start playing hardball. Don't let him tell you that it's selfish of you to have needs, and expect him to meet them. That's a load of baloney, and you need to tell him so to his face. Don't let him spout crud like that.
 
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#21 ·
I would not ever be opening my legs to a man who took no interest in my pleasure and attempted to shame me for wanting it in the first place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If he thinks sex is all about love and not so much pleasure, how about the next time you to have sex, stop him before he ejaculates and say, "gee hon that was super loving and I hope it was as much of a pleasure to you as it was to me." Then do not let him touch you again!

I don't usually like passive aggressive game playing like this but sometimes it's the only language that will get through. Aside from that, you two have been in marriage counseling and it obviously did nothing to help.

You wanted to know if there was a way to turn off your desire in order to keep your marriage happy. The answer is no. How can anyone hope to be happy in their marriage when their partner takes no interest in their happiness and then shames them for wanting to be happy.

If you were my BFF, I'd tell you to pack your bags and make plans to leave. Without a serious kick in the nuts your husband will not ever change and even then it's unlikely to stick. Life is far too short to be fvcking around with such a self centered SOB! Life is short, you only get one, no do overs, no warm up, no practice. ONE life. Go live it!
 
#25 · (Edited)
I want to believe that he isn't selfish, that he has a big block or something that is preventing even to think about the problem, let alone work on it. But the fact that he throws it back at me saying it's my problem and that I'm ruining our marriage because of an orgasm is not very nice. :(
What Anon Pink said. Quit sleeping with him. Don't give him what he is selfishly denying you. If you do, stop him and get up before he finishes. If he complains, use the lines he's been using on you. Word for flippin word. In no circumstance should you continue pleasing him in bed while he willfully neglects your needs.

I don't know if he has a block, but I don't see how you would find out if he does unless you both went to a counselor. Which he has selfishly refused to cooperate with.

You need to start fighting back. You're letting him trample you, create pathetic excuses, and blame-shift. The blame lies with him, and you need to start being strong. When this crud starts pouring out of his mouth, you need to respectfully, but very firmly state your objections, and label his actions as what they are.

Don't let him succeed in shutting you down with the crud he comes up with. He sounds like a woman avoiding her husband.

"My head hurts"
"I'm tired"
"If you loved me you'd respect my feelings"
"If you cared about our family you wouldn't make a big deal out of this"
"Maybe tomorrow"
"You're being selfish"
 
#27 ·
I'm very afraid of falling into an affair. I'm trying very hard to keep myself occupied like getting a job for example. But the truth is that the desire is still there and sometimes i feel like I can't breathe when i think about my life like this from now on. I just don't know how to get to him. Or like you said, he most likely won't ever change his views. Makes me very sad....
Tell him this. Exactly, word for word. If he starts to shift the blame to you by shaming you for wanting the same sexual gratification he gets every god dammed time, hold up your hand. Tell him when he can have sex without ejaculating consistently you'd be happy to discuss the nature of sexual love but until then sex will be a two way street or it won't be happening at all.
 
#32 ·
I didn't see that you two hadn't had sex in 3 months. Wow that is a vital piece of info. It tells me that your husband has some serious hang ups that need professional help.

This won't change without his buy in.
 
#42 ·
This is what I'm afraid of, that there is nothing I can do anymore short of living a celibate life. But what he doesn't realize or doesnt want to see is that it will change the whole dynamic of our marriage. Everything will start crumbling because if we can't have a sexual relationship then we become business partners, the business being our family. But there will be resentment and anger.

This is why I'm trying to turn it all off, to see if I can forget about sex. I need to stop being angry because that is hurting me and affecting my kids.


There are men who come here and talk about how they've given up trying to have a fulfilling sex life with their wives, who they still love very much. They want to know how to turn it off.

Here is the answer: You Don't!

Your sex drive and desire for intimacy, physical and emotional is fundamental to marriage. To even consider this is like saying you'd like your leg amputated because you keep getting bunions.
@Emerging Buddhist is saying the right thing, the long way around. He is not wrong.

I like to skip the bull sh!t and go straight for the heart of the matter. Your man's sexual issues will never be any different than they are now because learning to let go of inhibitions is only something that can be done by a motivated person who WANTS to let it go.

If you truly seek a way to learn to live without physical or emotional intimacy, I will step out because I won't participate in helping someone amputate a part of themselves that brings joy and vitality and love and closeness to their lives.

Maybe this is one of those times when an exit affair might be best for you. Once you have sex with someone who desires you, wants you, takes delight in your joy, you will never know why you gave this marriage so long to work out. A kicking sex life makes up for a LOT of other crap in a marriage.
 
#35 ·
Being unwilling to self-address his own confidence and pride is troubling. When you are aware they are detrimental and not willing to do anything about them is simply lazy.

Becoming aggressive in an attempted tit-for-tat, will be self-defeating and build additional resentment where it hadn't been before, If you are trying to teach a lesson this way you may be disappointed, especially where ego is so entrenched.

He seems insecure and unwilling to be humble, that in his own mind he doesn't have the answers to meet your needs that didn't come from him, well outside of any reasonable comfort zone. Selfish to be sure, in that he only wants efforts that come from him and he is threatened by your ideas, your leading him in this unfamiliar area is a lack of trust on his part.

Until he trusts you enough to listen to you, he will forever fight you in this area.

Please discard the boyfriend area of your thoughts while married... you will find no return on this investment and it will destroy your beauty of self-value in the end.
 
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