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Jealous of wife's masturbation

35K views 156 replies 42 participants last post by  PersonInSpace 
#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
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#2 ·
You sound just like a lot of wives who complain about their husbands' porn and masturbation habits. Your wife has a right to privacy - just because you find it 'hot' doesn't mean you get to be a peeping tom in the home. Watch a movie called "Mesmerized" starring John Lithgow and Jodie Foster.

You have three problems: 1. You want more sex with wife; 2. You spy on your wife for your own sexual gratification; 3. You're jealous even though you do the exact same thing.

Work on #1 with your wife, stop #2 and get over #3.
 
#4 ·
Why are you jealous again?
Isn't this a good thing, she a healthy libido.
Sometimes watching porn & masturbating are private, personal times.
She doesn't invade your time & thoughts.
The majority of women watch girl porn as it's probably clitoris related.

Maybe have an informal chat with her about it.
Ask her why she never initates for sex?
Maybe because you don't concentrate on her orgasm?



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#6 ·
Ok first of all, masturbation is a very private thing unless you WANT to share it! Cut that **** out because honestly, it ain't cool.

Secondly, I occasionally do it just because my husband isn't home. I have a headache and it relives tension. I'm stressed and want to relieve tension. Boredom. Husband is out of town for 2 days and I'm horny. There's a list of reasons to do it and sometimes I watch porn when I do. Not always, but occasionally. I don't need it to "finish" but I do find occasionally that my "toy" just isn't doing the trick and I need a little extra "oomph" to get there. I much prefer the soft touch of oral to a plastic vibrating egg and they're very different sensations so I occasionally use porn to get me over the edge.

Thirdly, masturbation is SO much simpler. I don't have to shave my legs or the private arena, I can only focus on my own pleasure and I don't have to blow my vibrator in return. I'm very high drive, but sometimes it's just nice to only focus on MY release.

I'm pretty sure my husband masturbates every day or close to it. But there's a good 12 hours in between him doing that and us having sex, so he's able to fully perform when it's time for real sex.

Chill out with the jealousy, that will push her away even further.
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#7 ·
If she is masturbating and rejecting her husband...then ya, that is a problem. If you have a healthy sex life and you still masturbate then it's not a problem.

Talk to her about marriage counseling. Tell her that you want to make the marriage stronger, that you want more intimacy. Say it all in positive words. Tell her that to you, making love IS love....and rejection makes you feel unloved.

Also.... try "wooing" her. Make her feel loved and special. Make her WANT to make love.

Read "The 5 Love Languages". It shows/tells you how to recognize what makes YOU feel loved, and what makes HER feel loved. It tells you how to show her love in "her language".
 
#17 ·
Thank you this is a great reply. I will definitely look into the book. I've toyed with the idea of marriage counseling in recent months. As far as marriages go I do think we have a good one, but as we know marriage is an incredible challenge for so many reasons.


The thing about my wife is I think she's too proud to show that she "needs it". She's also not extremely affectionate or emotional. She didn't cry when I asked her to marry me. If we get in a fight she stays hard headed through the whole thing, only to admit later it made her upset or cry, but she won't let me see it. When it comes to sex she'll say "I really wanted to have sex last night!" and I'm like really? She acted the same as she does every other night. Basically walked in the room around 9:30 or 10 and struck up conversation about her mom and grocery shopping and then went off to bed. What signal was I supposed to pick up on?

This is my problem is the communication. In those situations I'm unsure if I should ask for it because A) Have no idea if she needs it or not B) Don't feel like finishing my day with a round of rejection.
 
#8 ·
Frankly this is a huge problem. Having been in a very long term relationship I can say sex wanes from time to time - that's normal. But her masturbating and rejecting you is a horrible combination.

Work on your communication. Recognize that she may want to blah blah at night - that's how women often connect. So you're missing out in bonding with her by blowing that off. Instead, engage, ask questions, listen. Ask how she feels about this stuff... basically be there emotionally for her. This is what women need often - a partner to talk out stuff with but not necessarily solve problems.

Next - change your thinking. I thought it was about sex for me, but I saw a sex therapist and found out I wanted more emotional connection. I wanted her to want me and admire me and want to be with me. That's probably why it hurts so much

So listen to her but also talk to her. Say you want more time to connect since you guys are so busy with kids, work and life - you need time with just her. Snuggling, touching, kissing - these actions release hormones and chemicals that bond a couple. And of course sex does too.

Make it about your desire to connect with her.

Read His Needs Her Needs with her - an easy read at the library that explains why men need sex in a way women understand - and will explain why you should be talking and listening to her in a way you'll understand.

Men say I need more sex and women say I need you to be there for me - but those phrases don't translate well to the opposite sex.

You are in to something. You see your relationship sliding away. You can get this back to a good place but you have to listen and get her to listen too
 
#19 ·
Thanks, this post gives me a lot to think about.

One thing we have communicated about is a lot of times early in the day we'll say with both want sex, but after hours of dealing with screaming kids we're both spent when it comes time. We both agree that if we get it on we'll both pass out and before we know it the alarm is going off again.


I need have a talk with her about affection and bonding. She accused me of being needy and was annoyed at the idea of having to put in more effort. Then she said, and I'm paraphrasing "What if I was always being needy and was telling you when I needed more from you". I said that would be perfect, I would always know where your head is at.

That's what this boils down to, communication. My wife thinks she is perfect. She still thinks she's the popular kid in school and that everyone wants to be her friend and that she has no faults. She tells me this during fights.
 
#9 ·
The real issue for you is that you feel she's choosing herself over you, right? That she's unresponsive to your needs?

I think a frank conversation about that..your needs...is in order. Using sex as a weapon, or spying on her, or doing other things is really corrosive. What's needed here is some straight talk.

If you can't do this, then let her know you want to talk with a psychologist who does marriage counselling. This isn't just about masturbation, it sounds far more serious than that.
 
#10 ·
Your last sentence is the most telling.

Why do you think she's not attracted to you? Are you overweight or have other hygiene things you can improve?
What kind of job do you do? Simply dressing better can make you more appealing to her. Do your improvements without telling her, just do them. Join a gym and don't say anything. Join and when she asks where you're going, "I joined a gym". Don't say you are doing it to lose weight are look like Arnold. Then let her see them.

You're in the comfort mode of marriage so she doesn't feel like she has to work to keep you.

DO NOT let all the women come on here and tell you this is all on you. Working on you, and improving on you, does not equate to you doing all the work.

Now for the masturbation part, I've never had (that I know of) a wife or gf that looked at porn. If it's a deal breaker for you then you need to put that boundary in place. Exactly the same thing I tell a woman who's husband is looking at porn. But you can't be 70% on this. If you can't accept it (and your words tell me you can't) then tell her you noticed she was watching porn. Now if you are watching porn then and don't like her doing it, then welcome to the world of empathy. Stop watching it and tell your wife you want her to stop and put the boundary in place if it's a deal breaker. If not then you just have to deal with it....

I would tell her you feel that she masturbates a lot and you feel that it's reducing the amount of sex she has with you. SPELL IT OUT. You need to man up when this goes down by the way as she'll likely think you're being silly about her replacing sex with the porn/masturbating. It's eating you up to the point you're posting on a web site for advice....

Your wife is not cheating on you. Stop the video surveillance.

PS: You'll get some advice on here to "just get over it". This is impacting you and your marriage and needs intervention as problems like this fester and get worse. Resentment, feeling neglected those things will eat you alive. This will take time and won't go away over night.
 
#21 ·
1) Yeah there's things I could work on hygiene wise. Truth is we're both over weight. Not grossly over weight, but if you looked at us you'd realize we like chicken wings and beer more than running. Also, and I'll be blunt about this, I like fat chicks. I always have. It's not so much that I think she's not attracted to me, I just never was the "hot guy" all the girls wanted. I was the cute guy that when a girl liked me she's tell a friend to tell me and keep it a secret. I think I just represent a comfort zone for her. I'm not threatening enough(by threatening I mean I'm not the guy all the chicks want) , so yeah, sad as it is, maybe the game has to start at the gym.

2) Spot on, definitely in the comfort zone.

3) I have no problem that she masturbates or looks at porn. Boundaries don't work anyway. I have a problem that the ball is always in my court. I'm always having to ask for sex and always having to initiate and always have to do the work. You can't feel wanted when it's like that. The other problem is when she has a clear opportunity to do it with me she chooses herself or she tells me she's off limits and then does it anyway. It's really unfair. She's become increasingly difficult to talk to about subjects in recent years so I'm not sure how I can approach this.

4) Yes these feelings are eating me the **** alive. I regret ever going down this path. I should have stayed selfish, drinking beer in the basement and listening to records. I also need to maintain the discipline to shut the security camera off except for only when it's needed. I'm telling you folks, breaking that boundary was a huge mistake.
 
#18 ·
Same advice as to every other guy complaining about his sex life. Up your game (hit the gym, rock it at work, listen to her and implement suggestions on how else to up your game). If she responds with more sex, great. If not, you have tough choices to make. If you stay despite her not reacting, that is one you - not her.
 
#20 ·
I just went back and reread a few things. I agree there is a problem with the wife preferring the big "O" alone over with her husband and all I can think of is my own history. My husband took a long time to get to the finish line and eventually lovemaking became centered around his release and I took a back stage to him. He either go to sleep because it wasn't going to happen, or he would treat me as an afterthought and no passion, or the fire was done burned out when things came back to me. Too many nights I was left hurt and frustrated and feeling used. Not to mention feeling worthless as a woman because at the time I felt like I must turn him off some way. I eventually stopped making the effort and finding excuses too. I was glad when his initiations stopped since I had learned how to take care of myself. Did I want the feel of another human...sure. Did I trust him to make me an kind of priority...nope. This was the start of our sexless marriage.

No sex at all for almost 4 years and then he announced we were going away for the weekend to bring it back. I panicked. I didn't want to go through all of that again but I also knew he was clueless about why it stopped. So I told him that weekend and it was a difficult thing to do. He listened and I had found a major awakening in my labido after that. The sex continued for a few weeks until the same performance issues shut it down again and his solution was to ignore me. I chased, I initiated, I gave up.

Most women have a difficult time talking about sexual needs. It may take a couple attempts and done with with sincere sensitivity.
 
#23 · (Edited)
Thanks for your perspective. In our sex life over the years, I would put off having orgasms and most times not even have them at all. I was like that because I really enjoyed sex and I really enjoyed giving her orgasms. I never wanted the party to end. The way I have sex is I either cum in the first 45 seconds, or If I hold that off(which I trained myself to do) I then usually take an hour. I think that was more applicable when we were young and had tons of time to kill, but now there just isn't time for that. She even told me she thinks it's hot when I cum right away and that she likes knowing she satisfied me. She said she missed that over the years If I wouldn't cum. I think the other aspect too is she can just give herself such powerful orgasms on command. She's always been able to. So I think what happened is for her, sex was about making me cum and her "O's" would happen on her time. I didn't see this coming and I'm still not sure how to handle it. It's like two separate worlds but I want our worlds to be together.


See now as far as your situation that's how I perform if I masturbate, then we end up having sex the same day. I'm just not focused. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be making her feel good or me. It gets lost in translation. The frustrating part if where I hold off masturbation so I can have this great in-tune sexual performance and I get nothing. Then I'm angry and resentful and we end up on different pages masturbating in different rooms of the house. I don't think she really cares either way. At no point is there any pressure for her to "perform". She even jokes "Maybe I should try putting in effort during sex one of these days".
 
#22 ·
I kinda want to back the train up for a second. I don't want people to think my wife is a bad person or that we have a bad marriage. We talk, we have fun, we have sex. We have fun when we have sex. I'm not perfect either. I just think she's set in her ways when it comes to things and she needs to learn how to come out of her comfort zone and in some regards evolve.
 
#25 ·
Ok judgy mc judgington. I installed a motion activated security camera because if your house gets broken into and you have nothing to show the cops you're pretty much screwed. Also If you read the post you'd see the part where I gave my wife access to the device so her privacy wouldn't be invaded, but she didn't bother with it. She still doesn't know how to load songs on an Iphone or work bluetooth devices because she can't be bothered. Try reading next time or don't bother posting, thanks.
 
#26 ·
So this literally just happened to me 45 minutes ago. I had a moment of weakness so I asked(sorta begged) for sex because I need it and she's looking hot. She tells me we still can't because her period is almost over and she wants to wait till the weekend and make sure it's gone. I sit there and know she's lying to my face. She basically can't be bothered. This is what leads me to spy on her. After years of rejection it just like WTF? What's really going on here? Maybe I'm just the problem.
 
#28 · (Edited)
So this literally just happened to me 45 minutes ago. I had a moment of weakness so I asked(sorta begged) for sex because I need it and she's looking hot. She tells me we still can't because her period is almost over and she wants to wait till the weekend and make sure it's gone. I sit there and know she's lying to my face. She basically can't be bothered. This is what leads me to spy on her. After years of rejection it just like WTF? What's really going on here? Maybe I'm just the problem.
Possibly she just doesn't feel sexual when that time of the month happens. Some women feel bloat and blah and so not in the mood. Imagine having sex 30 minutes after you just finished Thanksgiving dinner. Wait until this weekend and see if she sticks to it. I hear and get your frustration.
 
#27 ·
[I said:
The way I have sex is I either cum in the first 45 seconds, or If I hold that off(which I trained myself to do) I then usually take an hour. I think that was more applicable when we were young and had tons of time to kill, but now there just isn't time for that. [/I]

Maybe mixing it up. I wish I could say I would have loved taking an hour with lots of foreplay and positions but to be honest I would have a difficult time staying aroused for that long especially since PIV doesn't give the right kind of stimulation for an orgasm. When the arousal starts to wane then it starts to feel more like a chore than fun. A hot energetic quickie with the big O from foreplay might be need to be thrown in.

Since wife is masturbating, she obviously enjoys being sexual. That puts you ahead of the game compared to me. Look at this a huge big hint of what she wants/needs.

I agree with posters on stop peeping on her and don't tell her have seen it. It will embarrass her and she will feel like she can't trust you. That would be a labido killer.
 
#30 ·
Find out what kind of wife you have. For some women like the foreplay and such while some just want to get on with it. Also, you might consider that she has 2 little kids demanding of her time so she can be all touched out. While the body might need the release so she takes care of it but doesn't want to be physical with you. Are you sure she is actually having orgasm with you and not faking it. A lot of women don't reach orgasm with PIV and if it's taking a long time for her she might fake it so the H will finish and be satisfied and take care of herself later which can be as fast as 2 minutes.
 
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#31 ·
You definitely have to know what she likes. The 45 seconds or 1 hour scenario are killing it IMO.

If you watch porn you would believe 1 hour is awesome. Many / most women would disagree. It would be interesting to take a TAM poll. I bet 4-7 minutes would be great for a majority of people for a weeknight. Maybe up to 15-20 minutes if you're both into it and not exhausted. Personally I like much more but I don't think I'm too far off base in my guesses for a couple with small kids during the week.

Yes she wants to make you get off! Come on - men are very explicit when they orgasm and it's a positive experience for most women. So if you're only focusing on her O and just pounding away you may be pressuring her and then she won't enjoy sex.

My W uses a vibrator and she loves to give me head. I would love more variety and PIV etc but BJ is her favorite. Maybe I've got pretty equipment lol whatever - this works for her and even if she's too tired for an O it's a HJ or BJ for me. She doesn't have to get cleaned up and get all sexy - I clean up so we're always ready. My point is I know what she likes and she cums very strongly and easily when we do this so its easy and fun. You start adding stressors and pretty soon it's slapping the va-j-j alone, in her sweats, with no pressure to perform or worry about making you cum etc.

Just one possibility. At least this is what I think some of the female TAMMERS seemed to be saying too.

The spycam would be fun for role play ha ha but my W claims she never masturbates. We're frequent enough that it's probably true these days. Not all women do BTW.
 
#38 ·
Is your wife self conscious about herself. Does she have low self esteem. It could be that she is uncomfortable having sex with you because she doesn't feel good about her body. Also, she could be one of the rare women that need visual stimulation to get aroused. Also, did I read you correctly when you said that she's watching girl on girl stuff. If that's the case then you have your answer. She's into females.
 
#43 ·
You mentioned she throws in your face that she's the popular one, right? I think that was this thread.

If so one of the recent posts hit the nail on the head - you have to up your game and change the dynamics.

I am supremely confident I could get s quality woman if my W got hit by a truck. I may be 70 lbs overweight but not in my mental image or how I carry myself. I feel attractive and I have a lot of good qualities and some bad ones. But I don't have self doubt. I work out, got my black belt, am a good husband, listen pretty good... See? I'm not a French model and I'm not a Wall Street hedge fund millionaire. But I know my value and I'm way ahead of a lot of guys my age.

Your wife doesn't want to feel like she married a dud. If other women find you attractive - whatever your qualities - she'll notice.

It's not about being a different or better person. It's about being the best you and knowing it and being confident in it. Tune in and learn how to strut your stuff in a way that tells her you're as good or better than her.
 
#45 ·
you mentioned she throws in your face that she's the popular one, right? I think that was this thread.

If so one of the recent posts hit the nail on the head - you have to up your game and change the dynamics.

I am supremely confident i could get s quality woman if my w got hit by a truck. I may be 70 lbs overweight but not in my mental image or how i carry myself. I feel attractive and i have a lot of good qualities and some bad ones. But i don't have self doubt. I work out, got my black belt, am a good husband, listen pretty good... See? I'm not a french model and i'm not a wall street hedge fund millionaire. But i know my value and i'm way ahead of a lot of guys my age.

Your wife doesn't want to feel like she married a dud. If other women find you attractive - whatever your qualities - she'll notice.

It's not about being a different or better person. It's about being the best you and knowing it and being confident in it. Tune in and learn how to strut your stuff in a way that tells her you're as good or better than her.

thank you!
 
#50 ·
Maybe your wife knows that you think about her as a "fat chick" and readily describe her that way to other people.

Or ... that her two sex alternatives are 45 seconds that likely isn't going to lead anywhere or an hour that probably feels endless.

Or ... your wife watches Girl on Girl porn and prefers that to sex with you.

I mean ... what that last thing potentially says should probably be really obvious. And Athol Kay isn't going to fix that.
 
#53 ·
Maybe you could try ROLE PLAY in your bedroom. She is into girl on girl porn. So she obviously has an active imagination and fantasy life, and that helps her to orgasm. So possibly you can shift her attention FROM porn on her phone TO something really kinky in the bedroom. Maybe some lite bondage? Maybe you two both dressing up in ways to hide your bodies a little?
 
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