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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-27-2011, 09:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default We have sex once a month

Hi. I am new in this Forum. I have been reading a lot and I have decided to post my own marriage problems. I need some advice. I have been married for 3 years and have a 9 month old baby. My problems started right after my delivery. I gained 60 lbs and I have always been skinny (117 lbs) now I have lost all the baby weight. My body doesn't look the same and I am not content but I still know I am very pretty. My hubby called me obese right after I gave birth and did not want to have sex. I started working out a lot to go back into my original weight. Still no sex. Put downs and tension started to build up. His temper has changed, he gets mad very easily. He is 10 yrs older than me. I am 31. I can't verbalize how I feel, or give an opinion or make a decision because he says I am stupid and things will be done his way or the highway. He never had such a bad temper before the baby and our sexual relationship was great. He is a great father.
I been seeing a therapist for over 2 years now so I can at least get some sense out of this. I love my husband deeply, he has very good things in him, he is a great provider for our family, and he has a good heart. But his avoiding sex and put downs are making my self steem suffer.
Any thoughts?
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: We have sex once a month

I'm not going to touch on the age difference because I have no experience with that, but his putdowns (you're stupid, you don't look the same as pre-birth, etc...) are totally inapropriate.

You state that you have been seeing a therapist, but has your husband?
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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His change in behavior could be stress from being a new parent (fathers get stressed, too). Another possibility is that he is having an affair. Change in behavior is a red flag for infidelity. You should investigate this possibility. Check your phone records and credit card receipts for evidence of an affair.
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Old 10-27-2011, 11:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I'm not going to touch on the age difference because I have no experience with that, but his putdowns (you're stupid, you don't look the same as pre-birth, etc...) are totally inapropriate.

You state that you have been seeing a therapist, but has your husband?
No he has not seen a therapist. He says that I am the one in the relationship that has problems. I know I am not perfect and that is why I go to therapy to fix my errors, issues or baggage. He has had therapists before our marriage and we went to a few sessions before we got married (I don't even know why he wanted to go since we didn't have any issues) and now he says that he won't go because we already went. Our present issues have to be addressed. My therapist says that he won't listen to me because he was emotionally and physically abused by his mother when he was a child and therefore since I am too close to him, he won't listen to my feelings at all. I feel stuck.
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Old 10-27-2011, 11:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
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His change in behavior could be stress from being a new parent (fathers get stressed, too). Another possibility is that he is having an affair. Change in behavior is a red flag for infidelity. You should investigate this possibility. Check your phone records and credit card receipts for evidence of an affair.
I have and I have found nothing. In fact I don't have that feeling that he is cheating. I think there is something else that I have not been able to figure out. I don't know what it is. My fear is that maybe he got tired of looking at the same woman for the past 5 years? Am I not attractive to him anymore? I dont know if men get tired or bored in a marriage from looking at the same person...I do know that I have done all in my power to go back in shape and look good again. I try my best to make him feel important in my life and that I love him. I am a stay home mom and I have the time to cook every night something different, I tell him I love him every day. But lately he has been so cold to me that I feel rejected and lonely. I crave his hughs, his kisses, something! But instead I get a cold shoulder.... It is so difficult....
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Old 10-28-2011, 01:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Gigo, I'm so so sorry for you. For what it's worth, I'm new here, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

PHTlump sounds possibly correct - my husband also withdrew emotionally and blamed me and made me feel for years that it was me, that I was unattractive, etc, and I never suspected infidelity but now I see he was probably having one-night-stands for years. I just never saw it.

I also gained weight during pregnancies but lost most of it after and it didn't matter. I've finally realized that it wasn't about me.

I'm sure now (and suspected for a long time) that my husband projected his mother onto me - meaning that he looked at me and "saw" his mom - probably ever since we got married. (I had my first baby 9 months + 1 day after our wedding, so it was easy to get confused about what was the cause of the trouble

From the time I believe (now) that he started sleeping around he got exactly like you describe your husband - cold and distant and demeaning. Little or no sex.

Tell me: why would a man with a "good heart" put down his wife and the mother of his child?

A very smart lawyer woman told me recently to "shake it up a bit." Don't be so available to him. Why are you cooking for him and hugging and kissing him and trying to make him feel important?

Let him come home one night and find that you're out. Take your baby and go to the mall. Go out with friends and get a life.

Good luck to you and I hope you find happiness!

-Survivor
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Old 10-28-2011, 02:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Gigo, I'm so so sorry for you. For what it's worth, I'm new here, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

PHTlump sounds possibly correct - my husband also withdrew emotionally and blamed me and made me feel for years that it was me, that I was unattractive, etc, and I never suspected infidelity but now I see he was probably having one-night-stands for years. I just never saw it.

I also gained weight during pregnancies but lost most of it after and it didn't matter. I've finally realized that it wasn't about me.

I'm sure now (and suspected for a long time) that my husband projected his mother onto me - meaning that he looked at me and "saw" his mom - probably ever since we got married. (I had my first baby 9 months + 1 day after our wedding, so it was easy to get confused about what was the cause of the trouble

From the time I believe (now) that he started sleeping around he got exactly like you describe your husband - cold and distant and demeaning. Little or no sex.

Tell me: why would a man with a "good heart" put down his wife and the mother of his child?

A very smart lawyer woman told me recently to "shake it up a bit." Don't be so available to him. Why are you cooking for him and hugging and kissing him and trying to make him feel important?

Let him come home one night and find that you're out. Take your baby and go to the mall. Go out with friends and get a life.

Good luck to you and I hope you find happiness!

-Survivor


Sound Advice. Look Gigo I knew a guy just like your husband once. He was my former brother in law. A real knuckle dragging fool who put down his wife and was cheating on her all along. Same issues. She gained to much weight, did not clean the house right, did not cook good enough. Trust me she is having the last laugh now.

You know my wife gained a great deal of weight and has struggled with fluctuations for 25 years. When I look at her I just see the woman I fell in love with. I think you are closing in on ultimatum time. Do no be intimidated by this dolt.
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Old 10-28-2011, 07:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you for your thoughts. It is really difficult to deal with no sex. And of course the put downs. It has affected me terribly, in so many ways. And yes I do feel intimidated by my own husband. We have a child and of course I would not want to end this marriage but work on it as much as I can to get it on the right track! but reality is that if he doesn't go to therapy he will never be able to hear my feelings..... so sad....
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Old 10-28-2011, 09:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you for your thoughts. It is really difficult to deal with no sex. And of course the put downs. It has affected me terribly, in so many ways. And yes I do feel intimidated by my own husband. We have a child and of course I would not want to end this marriage but work on it as much as I can to get it on the right track! but reality is that if he doesn't go to therapy he will never be able to hear my feelings..... so sad....
Mayne start doing some nastier things that he dreams of sexually to get him interested in the new more wild you.

Go porn star on him for a while... if you know what I mean.
Might get him really interested again.
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Old 10-28-2011, 09:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thank you for your thoughts. It is really difficult to deal with no sex. And of course the put downs. It has affected me terribly, in so many ways. And yes I do feel intimidated by my own husband. We have a child and of course I would not want to end this marriage but work on it as much as I can to get it on the right track! but reality is that if he doesn't go to therapy he will never be able to hear my feelings..... so sad....
Maybe start doing some nastier things that he dreams of sexually to get him interested in the new more wild you. Let him try something brand new... get some toys etc.

Go porn star on him for a while... if you know what I mean.
Might get him really interested again.

Vanilla is boring. Be enthusiastic always.

You'll probably awaken his desire again.
Same old is boring.
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Old 10-28-2011, 10:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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No he has not seen a therapist. He says that I am the one in the relationship that has problems. I know I am not perfect and that is why I go to therapy to fix my errors, issues or baggage. He has had therapists before our marriage and we went to a few sessions before we got married (I don't even know why he wanted to go since we didn't have any issues) and now he says that he won't go because we already went. Our present issues have to be addressed. My therapist says that he won't listen to me because he was emotionally and physically abused by his mother when he was a child and therefore since I am too close to him, he won't listen to my feelings at all. I feel stuck.
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Sounds like we are married to the same type of man. Since before my affair he always treated me this way. In front of people I'm a good wife. I cook,and obey ect.. behind closed doors insults,he recently started talking about my weight,and he wants to work things out SMH. I don't understand im sorry I got into my issues. Well if you found nothing showing an A then he's just a stupid man.
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:50 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gigo View Post
Thank you for your thoughts. It is really difficult to deal with no sex. And of course the put downs. It has affected me terribly, in so many ways. And yes I do feel intimidated by my own husband. We have a child and of course I would not want to end this marriage but work on it as much as I can to get it on the right track! but reality is that if he doesn't go to therapy he will never be able to hear my feelings..... so sad....
Gigo ~

I don't think that 'put downs' are appropriate at any time, but most especially are inappropriate within a marriage. Believe me - your HUSBAND is the one with the problem in that area.

But, you also have a problem in that you seem to be willing to kind of roll over and take the berating (at least your posts don't indicate otherwise). IMO, his berating you is akin to emotional/mental abuse. You shouldn't have to take that. Instead, tell him that he needs to talk to you in a respectful manner and walk away until he can do so. I want you to consider reading this book:

Amazon.com: The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused and Start Standing Up for Yourself (9780470179383): Beverly Engel: Books

I think you need to concentrate on becoming and being a confident, assertive, strong woman in your own right. Only then will you be able to see your husband and your marriage for what they are and be able to determine the best way forward.

Best wishes.
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I have and I have found nothing. In fact I don't have that feeling that he is cheating. I think there is something else that I have not been able to figure out. I don't know what it is. My fear is that maybe he got tired of looking at the same woman for the past 5 years? Am I not attractive to him anymore? I dont know if men get tired or bored in a marriage from looking at the same person...I do know that I have done all in my power to go back in shape and look good again. I try my best to make him feel important in my life and that I love him. I am a stay home mom and I have the time to cook every night something different, I tell him I love him every day. But lately he has been so cold to me that I feel rejected and lonely. I crave his hughs, his kisses, something! But instead I get a cold shoulder.... It is so difficult....
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I think you should continue investigating. We see too many stories similar to yours all the time in the infidelity forum. What do they say - "trust, but verify"?

As well, if you are 'smothering' your husband with 'cries' for affection, that can be very off-putting. You need to pull back on that. Here's a good thread about that (written originally from a man's perspective, but it applies equally when the genders are reversed):

The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

God Bless.
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Old 10-29-2011, 02:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Trying2figureitout: I could be a little more crazy in bed IF he would not reject me. I haven't tried yet because his put downs and his coldness have made such an impact in my self-steem that I am afraid he will reject me and feel embarrassed. I want my husband to want me as much as I want him. I don't initialize sex anymore because I need him to give me a hug, a kiss, to tell me that I look pretty.... etc. I can't just forget all that and just have sex. I am not an animal I am human being that has feelings and wish to at least get some foreplay and some romanticism before sex, does it make sense?
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Old 10-29-2011, 03:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Enchantment: You are absolutely right on I have to become a more assertive and strong woman. His behavior towards me has made such an impact that it is starting to really affect me. The way he looks at me and the way he talks at me. I have come to realize that I am craving his romanticism again. I am not clingy or beg him for affection at all. I have changed with him and don't hold hands anymore, or try to kiss him because I am afraid he will turn his head or tell me to stop. The only thing I have not changed is the way I talk to him. But If I end up changing all of my behaviors to look less available then what type of wife will I be? An actress? I have my own circle of friends, I go out with my friends and I work out every night. We barely see each other because when he comes home I go to the gym and when I come back I cook dinner for both of us, he watches tv and doesn't want to talk. The weekends he is usually working and/or he plans things without me. I actually asked him last weekend why he didn't want to spend time during the weekend with me when we haven't spend time together yet. He said he had errands to do. I ask myself over and over again, if age has a lot do with the way he acts. He always lived by himself and never with a women before until we got married. He had no one to respond to and he did whatever he wanted before, now that I am in the picture he still wants to do what he wants. So age has to be a factor.
As far as infidelity, he has told me numerous times that I should never question his integrity as a man because he will never cheat on me. I truly believe he will never, but we haven't had sex in a while and how long can a man go without having sex? I have caught him touching himself already and that makes me feel awful. So he would rather pleasure himself than have sex with his own wife? I mean he was never like this before we had a baby. And now I am sure I look ugly in his eyes because I don't have the body that I used to have. I am still in the same weight before pregnancy but I now have a belly that it won't go away....
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