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Success stories: overcoming duty sex or rejection

4K views 23 replies 16 participants last post by  Plan 9 from OS 
#1 ·
It seems to be a common thread among many here that they have a LD spouse and in many cases may have sex often, but it is "duty sex" or the spouse will make excuses why he/she can't have sex right now - but can later.

I'll start the ball rolling. My wife and I have sex probably on average 4 times per week. I am HD and love the connection it gives me (or should give me) to my wife.

What ruins it is when I make a pass and get, "OK, geez - can we do it later, I have to do blahblahblah". Or, "I'm slammed at work" (we both work from home and miday is best b/c she is too tired at night and grumpy as hell in the morning if you wake her up.

When I get the basically "submission sex" like I'm giving in, come on. It all buy ruins it for me.

I've voiced this frustration for years and I always get "Well if you....". I nip that in the bud. Sex is not conditional on whether I was gone the previous day hunting, or kayaking-- that is an excuse and she has a ton of them.

I am a believer that we make time for the things that are important. If she wants to get botox, she makes it happen. Nails, going to the salon or whatever miraculously happens. Me asking for sex is an inconvenience. I always make sure she comes first and I love pleasing her. She expects to get her O and then says, "OK, come" if I am taking too long.

It is very difficult to not get pissy and "tit for tat" when getting duty sex or rebuffed. It takes a lot of redirection on my behalf to not retaliate with withholding things that are important to her as retaliation. This makes an unhappy house hold - but there sometimes is no other recourse.

SO- Can some of you share some success stories where you have been able to get the message across to your spouse and encourage them to be more sexual, affectionate, etc?

Before anyone lectures me on MMSP, I've mapped my ass off and I can go into detail if you want - but she is immune to mapping.

Please share some success stories - this site is ridden with people with frustrations (myself included) so I'd like to hear some "Wins" that couples have had.

Cheers,
FFN
 
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#2 ·
Okay so to be sure I understand you: you and your wife have sex on average about 4 times per week and you wish for more but more importantly, you wish that she didn't make you feel rushed or like she is simply performing her duty and she's not really into it.

If what I wrote above is true I have to wonder why you aren't hearing her when you expect her to hear you?

She does not wish to have sex as often as you but she knows how much you need sex and so she does her best to accommodate you.

I LOVE being at the beach. I love everything about the beach, sun, sand, surf, wind, seagulls, kids playing and screaming, music blaring...I love all of it! My husband, being Irish, can't take the sun. When we go on vacation I want to be on the beach by 10:00am and would LOVE to have pizza's delivered around 7:00pm. My husband tolerates the beach for about 4 hours tops.

Okay so your desire for sex is like my desire for the beach....got it?

My husbands enjoyment for the beach ends at the second hour and his tolerance for the beach ends by the 4th hour. Your wife's desire and tolerance for sex is like my husband's desire and tolerance for the beach. Make sense?

Here's where your going wrong: I can not expect my husband to share in equal amounts my joy and desire for the beach. But I can expect him to give a good effort on my behalf, knowing how important it is to me. You cannot expect your wife to share in equal amounts your joy and desire for sex but you can expect her to show a good effort knowing how important it is to you.


Now go kiss your wife and be thankful she loves you enough to do her very best to accommodate your needs.
 
#4 ·
Okay so to be sure I understand you
No, you don't. It isn't about qty. It is about having a spouse who wants you, wants to please you and who doesn't roll their eyes and say, Well we just did it two days ago.

Your analogy is cute, but comparing your annual beach trip to a healthy sex life is a stretch.

Don't get caught up in the #s. There is an over abundance of posts here about spouses that don't want to have sex, don't want to have it often, have duty sex, or like there like a pancake during sex.

This post was hopefully a way to share some success stories where folks worked through any/all of the above. Conceptual, if you will.
 
#3 ·
are you comparing going to the beach and sex?

if you want to go to the beach and your husband doesn't, you can go with friends. if jarhead's wife doesn't want sex, where does that lead him... friend?

but to his dilemma, there has to be compromise and communication. compromise as in sometimes his wife will just "go through the motions" to take care of his needs. communication as in his finding out how he can engage her more in the sexual activity so she is more into it most times.
 
#6 ·
Divorce worked for me, since nothing else did. I found someone much more compatible. Success!

If you can't get her to realize how important sex and intimacy are to your relationship, you either accept it or move on, realizing that sex - and you - are not that important to her.
 
#8 ·
If you have sex 4 times a week, how many times do you get rebuffed?

Does she rebuff you at one point of the day, says "how about X" and then follows through? Or does she rebuff you multiple times until she finally gives in reluctantly? The first is okay, the second not so much.

I'm not one who believes that you can expect your spouse to have the exact same desire for sex that you have. The best that can usually be hoped for is that the lower drive partner compromises on frequency and makes a genuine effort to "be there".

Sounds like your problem is more about attitude than frequency.

She is willing to compromise but wants to make it obvious that she's only doing it for your sake. Or, she's doing the best she can and that's not good enough for you.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I'd focus on selecting times and places most convenient for her and work on doing such a good job of meeting her needs that she feels better about meeting yours.
 
#9 · (Edited)
You can't negotiate desire. To quote Saint Rollo (peace be upon him), "Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance." Four times a week of taking one for the team is not making sex into an appealing thing for her, no matter how much you to do make sure she gets off and how much you tell her it's important to you feeling connected to her. And poor frame/OI kills the tingles, as does constant pursuit. While you say you've MAPped your tail off, I'd bet that it's limited to physical and career stuff. All the stuff you write about your reaction to her lack of enthusiasm reeks of butt-hurt and covert contracts. She can sense that, I assure you, no matter how well you think you're keeping it bottled up. That probably creates suffocating pressure for her and makes her feel like sex is totally out of her control - something done for you because you "need" it, rather than something she can truly feel like she wants for herself and for you. You have to work on your frame and OI, and change the entire atmosphere about sex in your relationship. Which will take a lot of time, most likely. And you have to hope that you haven't done so much damage up to this point that she can't find her way back to genuinely desiring you.

How do I know all this? Because I've screwed it up royally over the last few years and am only now getting myself to a place where my frame is where it needs to be. I'm in great shape, professionally successful, doing well as a dad, and the life of the party. I've also been a big baby about sex, even though I wasn't emoting all over the place about it. The need for sexual validation from my wife just oozed through nearly every interaction with her, and that just makes for a very, very unattractive look. I've definitely pulled out of that now and am well along the way to where I need to be, although my wife has not yet come around. I'm more than a bit worried that it's too late in my case and she won't really ever come around, but I still need to keep moving myself in the right direction for me.

Anyway, if I get the butt-hurt vibe from reading your post, it must be clear as day to your wife in her interactions with you. It can be really, really hard, though, to recognize for oneself that it is happening and even harder to fix whatever it is inside you that causes that to happen. Good luck.
 
#10 ·
"wins" come in different forms.

or, if you can take a really expansive view, there is no winning and no losing.

my batting average is extremely low, but I genuinely don't care anymore, so it's less like the major leagues and more like a wiffleball game.

I consider my emerging independence a huge, huge win and the ability to be freed from having my life ruled by caring about this stuff borderline miraculous.

I'm even tempted to say I'm glad things turned out the way they did for me because otherwise I would have never been compelled to sort myself out so much.

the point is-- expand your definition of "winning."
 
#12 ·
It seems to be a common thread among many here that they have a LD spouse and in many cases may have sex often, but it is "duty sex" or the spouse will make excuses why he/she can't have sex right now - but can later.

I'll start the ball rolling. My wife and I have sex probably on average 4 times per week. I am HD and love the connection it gives me (or should give me) to my wife.

What ruins it is when I make a pass and get, "OK, geez - can we do it later, I have to do blahblahblah". Or, "I'm slammed at work" (we both work from home and miday is best b/c she is too tired at night and grumpy as hell in the morning if you wake her up.

When I get the basically "submission sex" like I'm giving in, come on. It all buy ruins it for me.

I've voiced this frustration for years and I always get "Well if you....". I nip that in the bud. Sex is not conditional on whether I was gone the previous day hunting, or kayaking-- that is an excuse and she has a ton of them....................................
Couldn't read much past this point, if you disregard what she is saying and have done for years then it is little wonder she is not all over you.
 
#14 ·
In our 25 year marriage, sex was never that great to begin with. Never any big time passion for whatever reason. After 3 kids, (one being mentally handicapped) my heart attack and resulting anger issues, it was all duty sex for my wife.

About 4 years ago I started mapping, lost weight and got my shiit together.
I can honestly say I/we are having the best sex of our lives. We have sex every Tuesday and every Friday. If she is on her period I get a BJ. No initiation is necessary. We both know what is going to happen on Tuesday and Friday and we both make it rock.

Given that we know in advance, we PLAN for the eventuality of sex by managing our time. For example, if I have 2 or 3 really bad days, I will make certain to get rest before sex is going to happen. Same for my wife. I do not ever masturbate to conclusion. I save my seed for my wife.

I knew I had hit my stride when after sex my wife said "how can sex be this good after 25 years of marriage."

It CAN get better. I did work my asss off and there is no end to it. I must keep working. It's like raising a crop. You can't get one good crop and say, "that's it, I'm done." It's a life long process with no time for resting. The great part is that all the effort is paid back tenfold!
 
#17 ·
Believe it or not, I was hoping this would not really be about ME - but that people would chime in with some success stories about what has worked for them and a positive thread would exist amongst an abundance of posts about problems or issues.

Not sure what to make of FireFly's post. Sounds like an acid trip.

Anyhoo - I may be expecting way too much in the form of sweet affection and being prioritized by my wife. It just may not be doable for her. I've been in past relationships where I was truly craved (sexually and non sexually) and it was Sooooo gratifying.

I'm a really touchy affectionate person, I had three older sisters that showered me with love growing up - maybe this is why? But I'm happiest when I'm doing everything I can to make my woman feel taken care of, providing the bread and feeling loved, ie and showing my affection through physical touch. And I feel best when I'm made to feel appreciated and loved back.

I've dialed back some of my Alpha over the years b/c that might have been a problem early in our marriage (ex marine, maybe verbally harsh or critical - but I worked on it and changed that behavior). I believe all of us are a work in process. So, I can always get better. I feel that she believes "i'm the way I am - tough $hit" and that is disparaging.

Instead of trying to pull words out of her to uncover what she needs and voicing what I need (I've been doing this for years in MC and in general); I'm going to back off. Not pressure her and do some soul searching.

I could very well see quietly approaching her and just saying we tried and this isn't a loving marriage and we need to move on.

Right now, I'm going to continue to better myself mentally, physically and professionally and back off over communicating. My gut tells me (b/c I've disengaged in the past) that she will cruise through life not really caring that I've done so.
 
#18 ·
I suggest this following conversation with your wife. "Honey, I know that it's difficult for you to have sex 4 times a week and it's difficult for me too because I want it everyday. However, I would rather have your desire than forced frequency, just to placate me. How many times per week would be comfortable for you?"

If she says once a week, go with that and do NOT complain. Be your own man. I bet you a buck that when she sees that you can handle only once a week, she'll be more into you and once will become twice and so forth.
 
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