Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Have read a few threads sounding very similar to this, but due to there being a relatively identifiable cause (I think) I thought I'd post my own unique situation.
I'm 33 and my wife is 26. We have been married for over 5 years, and I'm the first to admit that we've had a bad run due to a number of circumstances outside our control.
We got married in 2006 and got pregnant somewhat earlier than we had planned. Both of us were more than happy to have a child, however, so we embraced what fate had thrown at us. Life was definitely different for us, and the biggest change for me came early during her pregnancy when she lost her sex drive entirely as a result of feeling constantly sick and extremely tired. I waited optimistically through the pregnancy for the allegedly buoyant sex drive many women have during the third trimester, but my waiting was in vain. It was 9 months of abstinence. Post-baby, life was obviously very different for us, but our sex life did slowly return to some semblance of normality.
This is the period where I think things started to go off track for us. First, my wife had an ectopic pregnancy, then an early miscarriage. In both cases, we were trying for another baby, and whilst we were both philosophical about these things, they undoubtedly had an impact on us sexually. Nonetheless, our sex drive survived and we managed to conceive again. Only this time was really the destroyer for us. Long story short, we ended up having a still birth at 20 weeks. Pretty tough on any couple, but probably easier on those who talked about it. We didn't really.
We went through a very tough period, and I'm certain my wife was going through depression but wasn't being treated. She told me she had been chatting to someone who was a psychologist who had told her she wasn't depressed, but it later turned out that that simply wasn't true. Because she's very reluctant to talk about her feelings, for her to 'reach out' to someone else like a counsellor, psychologist or even our doctor would have been too much for her, so she bottled it up. I tried to encourage her to see a professional about it, but I could tell it was agravating the situation more. I went onto mild anti-depressants for a few months just to help me sleep better at nights, and I found that just by having a bit more space in my mind I was able to deal with everything we had been through easier.
As for my wife, she never got that and I ended up bearing the brunt of it. She was never friendly and happy toward me anymore; she almost constantly told me that things I was doing were wrong; and needless to say there was zero intimacy. I began to wonder how much longer this could go on for. About 4 months after the stillbirth, our marriage reached the point where it so very nearly ended. I wanted to talk about what it was we were feeling, but she didn't. She wrote me notes, but never wanted to talk. What her notes implied were that I was more or less the cause of all her issues, by not doing enough work around the house. The two issues I raised were the constant nagging and put-downs I was receiving from her, and the total lack of intimacy of any kind - cuddles, kisses, hand holding etc (something she used to be very big on).
After reading those notes, I made a conscious effort to help out where I could around the house in areas she had mentioned, as well as in a few others as well. Slowly but surely, her mood improved over the months, and I became optimistic that one day I might get the intimacy I had asked her for. The nagging and put-downs were still there, but not nearly as frequent or severe and easier to deal with as her mood was becoming friendlier so I could turn it into a game at times to diffuse the tension. At the end of that year, we both realised that we did still want a second child, so undertook to try again. However, the period of trying to conceive was one where we virtually had zero intimacy. This might seem impossible, but it's not. She wasn't having sex with me because she wanted me, she was doing it because she knew she was ovulating and wanted my sperm. If I was lucky, I might have gotten some cuddles before and after sex, but that was all I ever managed to get. Not only that, but the sex was once a month if that. Have sex, wait for her period. If period comes, wait until ovulation then try again. I figured it was that she was still at least partly influenced by the stillbirth, and had faith that one day the intimacy would return.
Our second son was born in October 2010 and our relationship has continued to be mostly positive. However, the intimacy is still completely absent. I cuddle her and her face reads like someone who has bumped into an old acquaintaince she doesn't like and is hoping to end the conversation as soon as possible! If I ever try to initiate sex, I'll inevitably get the "I'm not horny" reply. Now I'm at the point where I'm just too scared to try as I've been hurt too many times in being rejected.
I've tried talking to her about it and every time there seems to be an excuse. During pregnancy, she was always tired or feeling unwell - that I can understand. Then, she didn't want sex because she was apparently still tender from childbirth - that I can understand too. Later, it was that she was getting worn out from having two children in her personal space all day long, and found it draining. Again, that I can kind of understand. But no cuddles initiated from her? I asked her about that too, and she said it was because apparently every time she gives me cuddles she thinks I will expect sex. I've told her this is not true, but I don't think she believes me.
What hurts me the most (and I have told her this) is that she has made more than her share of requests from me over the years which I have tried to meet - me not doing enough around the house, various habits she wants me to change. In no case are they unreasonable requests, but why have I been asking for intimacy since July 2009 and am still yet to receive it?
I really don't know what to do. I struggle to see how this can't be happening as a result of some bigger underlying issue. If a woman didn't love her husband anymore, this is very much how I'd expect her to behave toward him. When I talk to her about intimacy, I'll get the standard responses: "no sex because of xyz, no cuddles because you think that leads to sex" but never the root cause. In an ideal world, you'd go to a marriage counsellor, but I'd give eternal accolades to anyone who was able to convince my wife (who is so reluctant to talk about personal issues) to do that.
The one possible sign of hope I have is that we made love on our wedding anniversary in april this year - she initiated. That showed me that maybe all her concerns were genuine and that maybe she did care about me.
Here's a breakdown of the times we have had sex since things started going really bad:
Sex Diary
=========
1 x November 2008
1 x December 2009
1 x January 2009
1 x February 2010
1 x April 2011
I have a lot more to mention but have already tried to keep this relatively brief. Can anyone shed any light on our situation, and possibly suggest how we might be able to improve things? I am more than aware of how much having two young children around the house can throw a good relationship up in the air, but I can't really see why other couples with young children are able to still be lovers and we aren't. I'd particularly like to hear the perspective of women who might be able to relate to this.
You are essentially living in a sexless marriage. You have sex once a year. Many people would not put up with that. I would talk to her again and tell her if nothing changes you may consider divorce/will consider divorce. Is there any possibility she is having an affair w someone? Posted via Mobile Device
I could have written that myself. Almost creepy the way your marriage mirrors mine. We never were successful with the 2nd child however and had two still births. Many of the other aspects were the same and it all happened at similar ages.
Let me share the next 5 years of my life from where you left off and provide the benefit of hindsight.
First the rest of the story. We continued to struggle and intimacy dwindled down to nothing. I communicate many times the impact it was having on me, she knew it was serious. Eventually she started to comply to my advances, but the sex was hollow. I felt I was masturbating with her body instead of my hand. She would "move" and have orgasm, but she was never the initiator, never the one wanting.
I decided one day to never make another advance or act of intimacy to see what would happen. Four years later we have not had sex once.
Since then (oh big f#%K up on my side) I've become involved in an affair. Terrible decision, but I was vulnerable and stupid - which is a bad combination - I thought just an outlet would enable me to stay in the marriage. For better or worse (pun intended) everything came easy with this new woman. We laugh, talk, share our concerns, and of course have effortless sex. She desires me, appreciates me, cares for me, etc.
As is often the case eventually it was discovered. I dreaded that moment all along, The guilt, the worry, it was eating me up, but I couldn't stop. I thought my wife may literally kill me. Instead.....she said she understood. When we discussed the intimacy issues, the length of time we've struggled, and the possibility of divorce....she immediately stated we can "fix it all". But time has had an impact on me, and it is only compounded by my affair experience and the realization that love exists, and intimacy is on of life's greatest pleasures, and one of the few things that differentiates a deep friendship from a marriage/couple. I now find myself at a cross road - and it's a terribly difficult decision - stay with my wife and try to recreate what we had 10+ years ago, regain her trust, believe things can change....OR pursue someone I believe truly loves me.
DONT FOLLOW MY LEAD!
My advice - tell her NOW you cannot live this way. Do not blame her, or accept blame, but demand that she demonstrate intimacy is critically important to her and your marriage and seek therapy. You must explain the consequences. It will eat your soul over time and you will do things you never imagined yourself doing. People cannot understand what a sexless marriage is like. It's not just the absence of sex - it's rejection from someone you love, it's denial, it's lonely, it's empty.
I highly doubt she is having an affair. It would be too difficult for her to get the opportunity to do that with kids around all the time, and I haven't noticed any other signs that that might be going on. Never say never, but you do have to have trust I guess.
In terms of demanding intimacy from her, I am almost certain that that won't result in any positive change. One reason I asked for a woman's perspective is because I want to try and understand what she might be feeling so I can start to say and do something that might actually be effective and show her how important it is to me without making her feel obligated. The last thing i want is hollow sex because she eventually gave in to me. Posted via Mobile Device
I should have left when I couldn't fix it and she didn't care.
Now I am a just another cheater and she still doesn't care.
I should have left with my dignity and pride. That's the honorable thing to do.
My affair is the consequence of a failed marriage, and now I will bear the burden of it due to my decisions.
We love to paint the world with one brush. I know the usual tag lines, be it blame shifting, gas lighting, fog, etc.. But sometimes people aren't ruining a good marriage, they are simply failing to leave a bad one.
FIX IT OR LEAVE - you have no other choice that will solve your core problem.
I will NEVER justify an affair. But if you want to read about sexless marriage more visit experienceproject-dot-com and search on sexless marriage. It's a pathetic group of denied people that live in a world only those in it can understand.
Don't cheat or have an affair - but seriously, don't tolerate it - it will continue as long as you do. Read the stories at the site mentioned above and you will see......1000's of people - almost always the same painful fate.
Also - just few more thoughts, and I am unfortunately extremely well versed in sexless marraiges.
The common person will ask you to be ore romantic, satisfy her emotional needs before seeking sex, talk more, get away from the kids, take a vacation alone, confirm she is not in an affair, etc..
What actually will turn out to be the case more often is that your spouse has no sexual desire and is unable to empathize with what a "normal" person needs in terms of intimacy - not sex - but meaningful conversations, sharing vulnerabilities with someone you trust, the importance of a loving touch, a kind word, a sincere gesture, cuddling.....and yes...the most meaningful...the sharing of ones body and desire to please another sexually. When you love someone and are denied of these things it eats your soul.
People often start by trying to live with less than they need but eventually only find relief in learning to love their spouse less.
PLEASE demand she seek therapy, as a couple, to communicate the importance of intimacy....some people simply don't understand and you need to figure out asap if she cares enough to work on it.
Good Luck gitch. very similar to me also, ad i think as you are on here as i am it shows we want to work through it.
my wifeis 27 and we have only had sex about 5 times in 3 years also due to most of your wifes issues too.
We have been doing counsellin sonce a week for 4 weeks, helping alittle as things are coming out. We have been arguing a little bit which doesnt help. One thing that has come out is that she is scared of anything to do with pregnancy. Sex being the number one. We had a birth where we neally lost our dauhter and have only had sex 3 times since then.
She shes sex as possibly becoming pregnant - thats one issue, heaps others to come out in the following weeks i would say.
Yes I most definitely want to work through it. I love my wife to bits and our relationship is actually really solid and special bar the complete lack of intimacy. It's not the kind of thing I would leave over, as the pros definitely outweigh the cons. The biggest thing for me since reading other experiences on here has been to accept that it's not normal, and to accept that I am entitled to more than I am getting.
Plan for tonight once the kids are in bed is to ask her for cuddles that are meaningful, and tell her how much I miss having them and spending that time being emotionally connected with her. Staying well clear of anything to do with sex, and the take-home message for her will be not that I want her to start 'putting out' but that I want to feel connected emotionally again, and that cuddles should never be a chore. Posted via Mobile Device
Quick update. I told her that, before she went to bed, we needed to have cuddles and that they needed to be good cuddles, not crap ones where her face was in agony the whole time (meant as a joke). She agreed.
When it came time for her to go to bed, however, her mood had changed. She said she'd been working on the household budget which she always finds depressing. Didn't matter to me. I still did it, and when she showed a minimal effort I commented on the fact that I'd said they had to be good cuddles not crap ones. She said "I know.. it's just that i've been doing the budget which always gets me down" then later commented on how she would like one night where she didn't get woken up either by her bladder or by our youngest waking up.
Piles of excuses, but no surprises. So I then kept at it and said that we were going to have 'husband/wifey time' (a term she used to use for quality time for us together) once a week. I said if we were going to aim for more then we'd be constantly avoiding it due to kids or whatever, so that we'd keep it realistic and aim for one night a week.
Then at the end just before I got up to go, I said how much I missed cuddling her and spending that time together. Even if she didn't feel like naughty cuddles, i said I still wanted us to do things together to start to bring some closeness back. It was pretty clear to me though that she wasn't really in the mood to reflect much on our relationship given the mood she was in, so i left it at that.
Never mind. The main thing is that I've stated my expectation to have a weekly session of cuddles and quality time together. I'm going to be nice and gentle about it.... for a while. If I keep getting the immature response I got from her tonight, I'll be dropping the patience. I'm willing to take this as far as is needed.
-First thing is, get her to explain why intimacy of any sort has become a chore.
-Next thing is, if she won't talk about that or it goes nowhere, to start pushing for professional help for both of us. I'm nearly certain that she won't be even remotely interested in that.
-If I'm right and she's not interested, I'm going to force her to suggest an alternative. If she doesn't or she won't, I'll tell her that this is really a deal breaker for me, that I'm tired of raising children with a roommate. If she wants our marriage to last, she will need to think hard about how she proposes we solve this, because the alternative is that we can't continue as a couple.
She's done everything but tattoo "no sex" on her forehead. Realizing you were in a sexless union, you agreed to have a child with her. Not to be cruel, but the pit wasn't even concealed. You saw it and you stepped in. Not sure what you have but it isn't a wife, a partner, or a mate. I wouldn't be negotiating for crumbs. I would suggest you make a decision. You either will be content to be a monk forever or you will walk. Who needs stale crumbs that fall of an unwilling, frozen heart? If you can't bear to leave, then figure out another way to get your emotional/sexual needs met. This zombie just doesn't have it in her. As payment for he neglect and cruelty, she gets showered with attention and begged for cuddle time? Good behavior is rewarded. Crappy behavior is punished.
Sounds like she is definitely clinically depressed. I suggest not linking it to intimacy but insisting that she get help for her depression because you can't handle living with an untreated depressed person and it's probably not good for the kids either. May be enough to knock some sense into her or at least get her to try it. Posted via Mobile Device
Let's see - what has she had - a full-term difficult pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, and another full-term pregnancy. Not only is that seriously messing with a woman's hormones, but probably messing with her head as well.
What was done after all of these events, especially the miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, and stillbirth, to try and help her cope with those situations? Those types of events can be very traumatizing for someone to go through - they are essentially deaths. Are you sure she has recovered her mental and emotional 'equilibrium' after all of these events?
Do you know what your wife expects from a husband in a marriage? Have you ever explored the '5 love languages' to see what it is that you may each need that is being missed? Here's the site with the online assessment:
And, I want you to try and put yourself in her shoes for a moment and try and see it from her perspective. Do you think you could write down what you think she could be feeling or going through? Her needs for intimacy and emotional support in your marriage may be very, very different than those that you have. Have you ever explored what those needs may be together, or even acknowledged that hers may be very different?
I like the marriagebuilders.com site because it has some good ways of helping couples work through what is important to each of you and what hindrances there may be that make it difficult. You can start by reading here:
Since then (oh big f#%K up on my side) I've become involved in an affair. Terrible decision, but I was vulnerable and stupid - which is a bad combination - I thought just an outlet would enable me to stay in the marriage. For better or worse (pun intended) everything came easy with this new woman. We laugh, talk, share our concerns, and of course have effortless sex. She desires me, appreciates me, cares for me, etc.
An affair is wrong no matter what,but sometimes our partner looks for it. How is a relationship suppose to to work with out sex? Then wife/hubby complains why are or they cheated hello???? Your not having sex I went else where for it. I don't blame you. You only feel guilty,because your wife doesn't understand you. I don't think you regret the affair. For the first time you felt love again after so long. You had a connection.
People say it's an age thing... I'm 21 years younger then my hubby,and his sex drive increase instead of decrease,and no viagra or any of that. I simply feed him well,and none of that box food. I believe also it's what you feed a man is how the sex will be.
I have a very old friend in the late 70's and her hubby die a few years ago. She has a boyfriend now,and looks better then alot of people I know,and BTW she still have sex. Maybe not as often as a younger couple,but I can guarantee it's not once a year.
I dont regret my affair. It has been wonderful in isolation. We don't live in isolation unfortunately, so it's burdened by having to sneak around, lie, and deceive.
Desperate - you are an exception in having any degree of understanding. Most don't and I understand why.
I do have remorse for the way I have handled my situation and hopefully someone cna learn from it and take a different path.
One thing I have learned, it is rarely only sex missing although many in a sexless marriage start off believing that is the case. Upon close inspection you typically find many forms of intimacy are absent and physical sex is not what we crave. Most of us want to be special to someone, to share our fears and ambitions, to be cared for, to care for someone else. Just to love. My marriage is amicable, but has been reduced to that of a partnership, co-parenting, financial gain through dual income - but not a marriage in terms of love and intimacy. If you find yourself in this place, address it quickly. Time has a way of furthering the divide and it becomes increasingly harder to find your way back to the place where you and your spouse were one.
Wife not interested in intimacy of any form 
