I think it comes down to biology. In my younger days, my drive was strong, almost frantic. Of course, I wanted feelings to go along with it, but I was unhappy when I wasn't in a relationship, not just for lack of sex, but for lack of affection as well. And when I WAS in a relationship, the sex was often and very passionate.
My drive was pretty strong when I was younger, too. But I new that I could satisfy the 'urge' myself
and I wasn't unhappy if I wasn't in a relationship.
Now that I am engaged and we are both in our 60's, sex is on our "nice to have" list. Yes, we enjoy intimacy on a regular basis, but it is not the focus of our relationship. And we are both extremely happy. The focus of our relationship is affection and companionship. Although we don't have sex every time we get together, there is always plenty of hugging, kissing, hand holding, cuddling, sweet talk and pet names.
LOL! Sounds like I was in my 60's before I was in my 30's!
Since sex is a function of pro-creation, I am not at all surprised that at my age, our relationship is less sexual. I am well past my child bearing years. When we are intimate, it is more about comfort and affection than raging hormones screaming to be released.
Exactly. But after reading a lot of dating profiles, I see that MOST of the single men in their 50's, 60's and beyond are looking for "just sex" and NOT the rest of the relationship.
So while I do think it is normal for raging sex drives to mellow out over the years, I think the need for non-sexual affectionate touch last for a lifetime. Even intensifies as we get older. I remember when I would visit my late mother in her elder care facilities, all the other residents seemed to want nothing more than a hand to hold
When I was with my exb/f (the one who cheated on me, bringing me to TAM), I once told him that he was VERY affectionate inside of the bedroom. But outside of the bedroom, there was very little affection. I mean, I pretty much had to ask for permission to get a hug from him. Holding hands or cuddling on the sofa was non-existent. The only time I would get a kiss from him was if he was leaving the house to be gone for the day, which happened maybe a few times per month. It's like whatever 'connection' we had inside of the bedroom vanished as soon as his foot crossed the threshold. We had a lot of intellectual conversations and 'fun' together and we rarely fought.
I realized that if I had to choose, I'd rather have LOTS of affection and a little sex rather than LOTS of sex and little to non-existent affection. Of course, I'd REALLY rather have a good balance of BOTH.
I wonder if THAT exists...