Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?
I'd say generosity and lack thereof is a much bigger issue in relationships than any particular individual need.
It never ceases to amaze me when I see people n committed relationships putting in great effort to justify NOT meeting their partner's needs. My wife has numerous needs that are not really on my radar. I do my best to meet these. They are generally not excruciatingly painful for me, I am happy to be generous in my actions. Even though she suffers depression, she makes an effort to meet my needs when she is well enough to do so. I'll never understand why people enter long-term relationships and then become stingy with their affection/kindness/attention/whatever. If you want to be selfish, why not stay by yourself?
If one has an aversion to sex, so be it. Don't get involved with someone who wants sex. How hard is that? You are not required to do anything to increase your sex drive if you don't want to. By the same token, you must accept that if you do not see low sex drive as something you want to increase, you are limiting the suitable partners you can find. You are not bad, shallow, selfish, etc if you are happy without sex. Someone else is none of those things if he/she is happy only with sex. The point at which someone has done someone wrong is when they pretend to be someone they are not in order to advance a fundamentally flawed relationship. If you don't like sex, don't screw someone night and day only to close up shop once the commitment is made. This applies not only to sex, but just about any need your partner may have.
Why exactly does this come up around sex so specifically? Why do some people have so much difficulty engaging in sex with the person they claim to love, simply because they don't "desire" it? This presumes that LD does not equal physical pain or mental trauma that makes sex a horrific experience. I read LD to simply mean ambivalence toward sex. Why is it so objectionable to have sex with someone you love? I have had sex with my wife plenty of times when I was tired, stressed out and would rather have gone to bed. It wasn't exactly fireworks for me, but it wasn't water boarding either. If she is in the mood and I am simply dog tired, I'll give her oral sex. She goes to bed with a smile on her face and I'm happy for it. Sometimes the roles are reversed. Neither of us finds it particularly oppressive or unjust.
Why does a partner's need for sex (which in most cases was well known early in the relationship) seem to trigger such anxiety, resentment and even righteous indignation for some people?