Is Sex The "Bottom Line"? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by Anon1111 View Post
how does your spouse feel?

or does that matter?
Doesn't matter. He passed away 2.5 years ago.
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post #32 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:18 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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I'm reading a book called the "Passionate Marriage" and there is a transitional point on sexual maturity that comes with our later years in life. While not stated in the book, it gets at this:

At a young age, sex is 99% hormones and friction.

In our 30s sex is 50% emotions and 50% friction.

In our 50s sex is 80% emotions and 20% friction.

In our 60s we reach our full sexual potential and can have extraordinarily awesome sex for the purpose of emotional bonding. Many do not reach this potential because the lack personal development emotionally and have fears, shame, or do not want to be vulnerable.

................................
Great book, I'm reading it ATM too.

OP sex is very important to me but I have a very different life experience to you and I do not believe men are just neanderthals out to get laid.
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post #33 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:18 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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no once they're married they don't.

are you cool with your spouse having a FWB if you're not interested in sex?
That is an excellent question.
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post #34 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:29 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
You're right. We don't have sex as 'friends', room mates, parent/child, etc.

But we DO have a TON of sex outside of marriage via casual sex, friends with benefits, one night stands, living together, affairs, etc.

I could see your point IF we never had sex at any other time BESIDES marriage. But because the majority of adults DO have sex OUTSIDE of marriage, well...
that does not negate the point about marriage. sex is not unique to marriage. but without sex, there is no real marriage.
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post #35 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
If I'm not in or seeking a relationship, I can also be happy even if I'm not getting laid.

However, if I'm in a supposedly loving and romantically based relationship, I am very unhappy if the frequency and quality of sex isn't sufficient. I would be better off dating and seeking a good relationship with good sex - at least then there is the hope and prospect of sex.

I was in a long-term marriage with little to no sex. I was happy in all respects - except with the relationship. So, I ended it, and was immediately happier. Then I started dating again and having sex, and was even happier. Sex for me is a wonderful part of life, and especially so as part of a great relationship. For us, sex is the binding and bonding agent - without it, we may as well be friends and live apart. It's importance may be lesser or greater for other people, but that's how it is for us.
So, there are only 2 options for you: Either no relationship and no sex OR, a relationship with LOTS of sex. No in-between, right?
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post #36 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:44 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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I do not believe men are just neanderthals out to get laid.
Agreed!

@Vega let us assume that the whole purpose and meaning of life is to just have sex. Then what is the purpose of sex, other than to insure the survival of our species? ...it is a gift!

What is the purpose of a gift? Answer that question and I think you might be a little closer to finding the "bottom line" that you seek!

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post #37 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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but without sex, there is no real marriage.
Seems to be more like without lots and LOTS of sex there is no 'real' marriage.
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post #38 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Vega,

The post below is one of the reasons you are single.

You have a need to 'win' that consistently trumps your desire to understand.

And I am fairly sure that you spent a big chunk of your life confident that you understood 'men'.

So I'll try and explain this in the starkest possible terms.

When you are a really attractive woman in your mid twenties - dating guys your age - you can employ a sexual reality distortion field to get away with a lot of bad behavior.

Biology is so powerful in our mating window. And then gradually it isn't. In your 50's its not just that the underlying procreation driver is totally gone, but the men themselves have WAY less T.

You've got this adversarial vibe towards men - which is super visible in most of your threads.

This thread has a subtext which is: Why can't other people (mainly men) be cool like me and be happy without sex?

It's a good thing you are happy being alone, because your mindset is not really suited to a LTR.





Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
You're right. We don't have sex as 'friends', room mates, parent/child, etc.

But we DO have a TON of sex outside of marriage via casual sex, friends with benefits, one night stands, living together, affairs, etc.

I could see your point IF we never had sex at any other time BESIDES marriage. But because the majority of adults DO have sex OUTSIDE of marriage, well...
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post #39 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Agreed!

@Vega let us assume that the whole purpose and meaning of life is to just have sex. Then what is the purpose of sex, other than to insure the survival of our species? ...it is a gift!

What is the purpose of a gift? Answer that question and I think you might be a little closer to finding the "bottom line" that you seek!

Badsanta
A "gift" that's expected from me seems more like an obligation than anything else.
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post #40 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 03:53 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post

You've got this adversarial vibe towards men - which is super visible in most of your threads.

This thread has a subtext which is: Why can't other people (mainly men) be cool like me and be happy without sex?
QFT.

The whole OP seems as a dig at people who believe that a relationship should have a healthy sex aspect to it.
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post #41 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 04:00 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Welcome back @MEM2020! Just when I learned your new numbers, now I still won't remember your real ones.

On topic, my wife admitted menopause zapped her drive. We still had sex, maybe I wanted a bit more but close enough. And it was still good. But the relationship suffered. We both knew it was important to us, but it was work to have sex. Took some time to figure out but not only did it lower her drive, more importantly in changed it and I needed to change my approach. (She needed to learn that when I said sex didn't need to be PiV I meant it, "naked time" works.)



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #42 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 04:18 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Charlie,
That's how two emotionally mature - generous people - deal with a desire mismatch.

They aren't judgemental, or condescending. They are instead compassionate and generous.

Sometimes M2 does this interrogation thing. It's actually simultaneously comical and unnerving. She wants to know why I'm so unperturbed by our desire gap. What she's really doing is searching for signs of an affair.

I just say what's true which is this. For most of our marriage, you took care of me - in here (bedroom). Now it's my turn to take care of you. Why is that so hard to accept.



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Originally Posted by CharlieParker View Post
Welcome back @MEM2020! Just when I learned your new numbers, now I still won't remember your real ones.

On topic, my wife admitted menopause zapped her drive. We still had sex, maybe I wanted a bit more but close enough. And it was still good. But the relationship suffered. We both knew it was important to us, but it was work to have sex. Took some time to figure out but not only did it lower her drive, more importantly in changed it and I needed to change my approach. (She needed to learn that when I said sex didn't need to be PiV I meant it, "naked time" works.)
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post #43 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 04:21 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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A "gift" that's expected from me seems more like an obligation than anything else.
It was a gift from god @Vega ...one of many.

Sex is not exactly something lame you "regift" to others to make them happy. Perhaps many do.
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post #44 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 04:33 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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A "gift" that's expected from me seems more like an obligation than anything else.
I think you misunderstand the dynamic

in a healthy relationship, sex is not a widget

you don't get it, or take it, or give it, or buy it or sell it

you SHARE it

the fact that people desire to SHARE this experience with another person whom they love and have committed to for life does not make them strange

if this has not been your experience of sex, that is a shame, but your experience is not what other people are talking about
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post #45 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 04:46 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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I think you misunderstand the dynamic

in a healthy relationship, sex is not a widget

you don't get it, or take it, or give it, or buy it or sell it

you SHARE it

the fact that people desire to SHARE this experience with another person whom they love and have committed to for life does not make them strange

if this has not been your experience of sex, that is a shame, but your experience is not what other people are talking about
It was my belief in college that the primary motivation for women to have sex was "to please their partner." I remember overhearing this woman say this to her female friends at a gathering of fellow church members, "men will never understand our desire to simply please them!" And she said that as if us men will never understand the plight of being a woman. While overhearing this, my heart sank. I thought to myself these women do not understand men's desire to "share" our joy, and that perhaps they only see our happiness as an obligation.

When I met my wife, we shared our intimacy. I've never looked elsewhere!

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