Is Sex The "Bottom Line"? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:15 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

James,
While I believe your analysis is dead on, your final conclusion while true, misses the point.

Yes you can inject testosterone in a low T person and make them Hyper sexual. But the real issue here isn't a lack of testosterone - it's the lack of compassion and generosity.




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Originally Posted by JamesTKirk View Post
I think that's a strong over generalization. That implies that their having sex out of duty just to please the man as opposed to genuinely meeting their sexual needs. Women may have sex to please the man but they're also doing it because they want to have sex. It's often the man's desire that instigates it, though because it's both a gender role and because men tend to have a constant strong sex drive at that age.

I've met plenty of women that just wanted sex, used guys for sex, or had multiple partners. Maybe the motivation wasn't purely sex and it was to satisfy some psychological need to be wanted but same can be said for men. It doesn't matter. Many women of college age just have sex, period. Younger women just like to have sex more and it's quite probably a combination of a biological hormonal driver as well as just sewing their oats. There is this misconception that women are not sexually driven because our society considers them sl*ts if they admit it and they feel shame if they admit it to themselves. I can say in some of my relationships, the woman's motivation for sex was as much because they just wanted to have sex with pleasing me be the secondary priority. I've had girls/women cheat on me just to have sex with other guys and I think it had nothing to do with pleasing the guy.

My problem with this whole thread is the implication that sex isn't as important to women as it is for men.

The problem is that women's sex drive changes whereas men tend to remain constant unless they become unhealthy. A woman's body desires sex for procreation and as they get older that need is reduced. Without the hormones telling them it's time to have sex they simply forget that sex is important.


Give Vega a little testosterone and watch her go crazy if she can't have sex. Then maybe her perception of the importance of sex will change.

Like eating, drinking, breathing, and going to the bathroom, sex is something we just do. When we get married and agree to a monogamous relationship. When one of those two people doesn't do it (or rarely does it) then the other is left without, or forced to leave. That's why it's the end all be all deal breaker.
Also, as I previously said, the reduction of sex in the marriage is often an indicator of something else going wrong which is the actual reason the divorce happens.
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post #62 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:27 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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James,
While I believe your analysis is dead on, your final conclusion while true, misses the point.

Yes you can inject testosterone in a low T person and make them Hyper sexual. But the real issue here isn't a lack of testosterone - it's the lack of compassion and generosity.
I assume you mean lack of compassion and generosity from the LD person. I would agree with that.

My point that someone Vega, a self proclaimed LD person, has no or very infrequent desire for sex. Therefore, she doesn't value sex in a marriage a deal breaker. It's literally an optional thing to her.
It's because she doesn't understand that normal-D or HD person values it highly. If you gave her that desire, I think she'd change her point of view.

Women undergoing hormone therapy to become a man to became a man (transsexual) find that they suddenly have a strong sex drive unlike anything they imagined it completely changes their perspective on sex. Here's just one of them. https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/artic...en-on-hormones

My point is that she, or other LD people, may just not get it.
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post #63 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:28 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Think that our culture has turned the idea of sex, into something one should be seeking to validate themselves. Like, if a guy is banging every hot chick until he's 80 years old, somehow ...this elevates his 'status' in our culture. But, that's the culture. And the culture also tells people to chase money, success, fame, education, sex, etc...none of which will make a person happy. Sex, if in a healthy relationship, is a positive thing. A bonding thing. But, if a person is looking for sex to validate themselves, or find their worth, then that is when it becomes their end all/be all.
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post #64 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:33 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Think that our culture has turned the idea of sex, into something one should be seeking to validate themselves. Like, if a guy is banging every hot chick until he's 80 years old, somehow ...this elevates his 'status' in our culture. But, that's the culture. And the culture also tells people to chase money, success, fame, education, sex, etc...none of which will make a person happy. Sex, if in a healthy relationship, is a positive thing. A bonding thing. But, if a person is looking for sex to validate themselves, or find their worth, then that is when it becomes their end all/be all.
To put it simply, people want to have sex. If no one wants to have sex with you, especially not your spouse, then you feel unwanted. When your spouse doesn't want you, you want to find someone that does.
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post #65 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:36 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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To put it simply, people want to have sex. If no one wants to have sex with you, especially not your spouse, then you feel unwanted.
That is true. Sex is great, and I've read threads on here where the sex is lacking in marriages. There can be a lot of reasons for that, though...and it probably requires a lot of communication to work through it. I've never been married, but usually people who aren't having much sex, have issues outside of the bedroom...and those issues follow them into the bedroom.
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post #66 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:42 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Why?
Because I feel unloved and undesired. Because I want very badly to be touched by someone other than me. Because I was starved for physical affection as a child, and sex makes up for lost time. Lots of reasons.,

Come to think more, it isn't really the bottom line. It just feels like it sometimes.

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post #67 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:52 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

If you're not having sex with your man, you should know that he's not ok with it. Unless you have some kind of cognitive deficiency or something. And if you ask him and he says he doesn't have a problem with it, he's lying. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear because if he tells you the truth he'll get it even less. This is pretty basic Male101 stuff. So don't act all surprised when he dumps you and finally admits that he wasn't ok with it. It just makes you look disingenuous.
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post #68 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:56 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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I wonder how many couples actually talk about how much sex and how often they expect it BEFORE they marry.
My wife did, not numbers per se but she did sit me down, told me her expectations, there is going to be sex no matter what, and proceeded to equate sex to "oxygen". Has served us well.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #69 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 07:57 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
If you're not having sex with your man, you should know that he's not ok with it. Unless you have some kind of cognitive deficiency or something. And if you ask him and he says he doesn't have a problem with it, he's lying. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear because if he tells you the truth he'll get it even less. This is pretty basic Male101 stuff. So don't act all surprised when he dumps you and finally admits that he wasn't ok with it. It just makes you look disingenuous.
What if he is the reason there is no sex?

It's sad that basic Male101 stuff says you can't be honest with your wife

Last edited by wild jade; 06-21-2016 at 08:09 PM.
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post #70 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 08:07 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

JTK,
If I deprive M2 of any number of things that provide her comfort, that deprivation causes her distress.

I don't share many of those needs - but I recognize the concept of need - ESPECIALLY as it relates to physiology - but also where it is solely abstract.

When smart folks claim not to understand basic stuff, I typically just laugh and shrug. The phrase 'willful incomprehension' comes to mind.




Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesTKirk View Post
I assume you mean lack of compassion and generosity from the LD person. I would agree with that.

My point that someone Vega, a self proclaimed LD person, has no or very infrequent desire for sex. Therefore, she doesn't value sex in a marriage a deal breaker. It's literally an optional thing to her.
It's because she doesn't understand that normal-D or HD person values it highly. If you gave her that desire, I think she'd change her point of view.

Women undergoing hormone therapy to become a man to became a man (transsexual) find that they suddenly have a strong sex drive unlike anything they imagined it completely changes their perspective on sex. Here's just one of them. https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/artic...en-on-hormones

My point is that she, or other LD people, may just not get it.
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post #71 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 08:07 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by CharlieParker View Post
My wife did, not numbers per se but she did sit me down, told me her expectations, there is going to be sex no matter what, and proceeded to equate sex to "oxygen". Has served us well.
I do wonder though how much a talk really matters. First, assuming you are together for years before getting married and having sex, shouldn't that alone be a gauge for what you should hopefully expect (and not even just sex, but many aspects of the relationship)? Do you really think you are going to talk with your SO before marriage and they are going to say "We are having sex X # times a week now, but after we get married I want to drop that to Y."
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post #72 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by wild jade View Post
What if he is the reason there is no sex?
You need to make sure it's really his choice. Find out why and how to fix it.
I'd be suspicious of any spouse that is OK with no sex. I'd assume an affair is coming if it's not already.

I had to confront my wife and it tured out to be medical. So there are legitimate reasons. Even the she wasn't OK with it but still couldn't have sex for a while.
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post #73 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 08:20 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Charlie,

BEST thing about M2 - absolutely no difference in behavior pre and post marriage.

The patterned stories here about the stability staircase* - I never would have tolerated that type situation to develop.



* Stability is often the mortal enemy of passion. And one person's hyper stability - is another's emotionally smothered nightmare.


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My wife did, not numbers per se but she did sit me down, told me her expectations, there is going to be sex no matter what, and proceeded to equate sex to "oxygen". Has served us well.
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post #74 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 08:21 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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I do wonder though how much a talk really matters. First, assuming you are together for years before getting married and having sex, shouldn't that alone be a gauge for what you should hopefully expect (and not even just sex, but many aspects of the relationship)? Do you really think you are going to talk with your SO before marriage and they are going to say "We are having sex X # times a week now, but after we get married I want to drop that to Y."
X and Y would be silly. I was simply told sex is a priority to her and not to be used as a bargaining chip. She is older than I am and was way more experience (and I guess she burned at least once). We had only been "romantic" for 6 months when we got engaged. Her talk resonated.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #75 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 08:35 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Sex is the "canary in the coal mine". Sex indicates whether a marriage is healthy and happy... or not.
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