Is Sex The "Bottom Line"? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #106 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 10:37 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GuyInColorado;15965137[B
]I was in a 100% sexless marriage for about 5 years before I divorced. I kept telling myself it's just sex, I don't need it. I finally got fed up and wanted sex. But what I really wanted was someone who desired me enough to want to have sex with me.[/B] Now that I'm in a relationship where we both can't wait to take each other's clothes off and do whatever to please the other person, I couldn't imagine going back to a sexless relationship.
- Especially the bolded part.

I wanted someone who wanted me, not who was just happy to have me as company around the house.
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post #107 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 10:42 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by southbound View Post
I agree. I have never been able to wrap my mind around what could be so torturous about having sex with a person you love and find attractive outside of a medical issue or some life situation that would make the answer obvious. I could never understand just reaching a point that sex is no longer interesting with someone you love.
That same logic could ask what's so torturous about getting duty sex, yet people here complain about it all the time.

The sex drive is complicated, way beyond the fact that you love and find one attractive. So if the answer is for an undesiring spouse to have sex anyway the receiving spouse has to accept without complaints.

But it often doesn't work this way.
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post #108 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 11:08 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
That same logic could ask what's so torturous about getting duty sex, yet people here complain about it all the time.

The sex drive is complicated, way beyond the fact that you love and find one attractive. So if the answer is for an undesiring spouse to have sex anyway the receiving spouse has to accept without complaints.

But it often doesn't work this way.
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Indeed. I think the problem with duty sex is that it's usually not going to be quality sex. The difference between duty sex and sex with someone who is into you, is probably - or eventually - going to be painfully obvious. Not being desired is little different than not being loved.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #109 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
I noticed in my own biology that the less I masturbate, the less I feel the 'urge' to do so. I've heard it's the same for the majority of both men and women.

It makes me wonder...If we removed all of this 'stimulation', would an HD TRULY be an HD?
I've tried to go that route but it never worked. Every time I'd see a pretty young woman, I'd be reminded of my true drive.

I have never had my testosterone checked, but I'd strongly suspect it is at the very high end.
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post #110 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 11:42 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Indeed. I think the problem with duty sex is that it's usually not going to be quality sex. The difference between duty sex and sex with someone who is into you, is probably - or eventually - going to be painfully obvious. Not being desired is little different than not being loved.
Right? I can't think of a bigger libido killer then someone who doesn't want you and is putting out so you'll stfu.
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post #111 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Life,
The darkly comic aspect of all this is how incredibly difficult it is for so many folks to honestly communicate about sex.

When we married - I svcked at it. On a ten scale - I was a one.

Pure cowardice.

Luckily M2 is fearless about just saying what's what. Over a long period of time I learned to model her behavior.



Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
That same logic could ask what's so torturous about getting duty sex, yet people here complain about it all the time.

The sex drive is complicated, way beyond the fact that you love and find one attractive. So if the answer is for an undesiring spouse to have sex anyway the receiving spouse has to accept without complaints.

But it often doesn't work this way.
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post #112 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
I agree with lots of what you say but the bolded is fiction, not fact. Post menopausal here and free, free, free as a bird with no concerns for pregnancy. Having more sex now than pre menopause.

Often people say here that it is the brain that is the biggest decider when it comes to sex and I agree.

OP's has a negative attitude to sex, she is younger than me.
I have a positive attitude to sex which is brain based not hormonal.

No absolutes.

As for men, Mr H has tested as the lower end of the T levels for his age (55) and his desire is very strong. We have sex daily at a minimum and he, even at 55 with lower T can easily go twice in an evening with little refractory time.
When he tested low he (we) researched and he modified his diet and exercise regime. His Dr told him that T is not the be all and end all of sex drive, the mind is.
I wasn't talking about post-menopause and menopause in and of itself can change desire, often higher based on my anecdotal observation. You have more sex now which seems to reinforce that statement, but that may have more to do with lack birth control than anything else. Also, if you had kids they're probably gone now and not around, and kids are a major downer when it comes to romantic time.
I concede that it's impossible to generalize as there are many factors. I just see a lot more women complain about sudden loss or massive increase of desire than men do, especially after childbirth. I see women practically begging for a solution. Perhaps I'm just never seeing the men's stories.
Take Vega as an example of how many phases she'd gone through and is now No-D.

So agreed. False.

Last edited by JamesTKirk; 06-22-2016 at 12:20 PM.
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post #113 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Life,

I do think - there are times when you keep having maintenance sex. Yes yes I fully realize how messed up that sounds. But this isn't driven by a desire to get your partner to stfu.

It's driven by commitment. Sounds very unsexy.

Three times in a row - I took one for the team - during the space of a couple weeks. I was a bit depressed - and each time M2 initiated - I felt this desire to NOT have sex. And each time - smiled - let my body take over - had a decent to good experience.

And then the black mist dissipated - and I was back to normal.

And FWIW - each of those three times - what was going through my head was the same question. How often is it like THIS for M2?





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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Right? I can't think of a bigger libido killer then someone who doesn't want you and is putting out so you'll stfu.
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post #114 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
JTK,
If I deprive M2 of any number of things that provide her comfort, that deprivation causes her distress.

I don't share many of those needs - but I recognize the concept of need - ESPECIALLY as it relates to physiology - but also where it is solely abstract.

When smart folks claim not to understand basic stuff, I typically just laugh and shrug. The phrase 'willful incomprehension' comes to mind.
I wasn't uncomprehending what you're say.
I failed to acknowledge that I agree with you 10x10.

Last edited by JamesTKirk; 06-22-2016 at 12:48 PM.
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post #115 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:19 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by Vega View Post
LOL! Right now, I'm a NO Drive person. When in a relationship, I've been both HD and LD. I've gone without sex in a marriage for 5 years. And in one LTR, we had sex 17 times in a 24 hour period (I was 28 at the time).

It's not that I consider sex to be "optional"; I just don't think it's EVERYTHING, which is WHY it isn't a deal-breaker for me.
I'm having a hard time understanding what seems to be contradictions. If you were HD and you knew how important sex was to you at the time, then why do you have such a hard time understanding the problem when one spouse is deprived?
You know how you would have felt if you wanted it and your husband constantly denied it. Did it never happen?

When we're married, we try to provide what is necessary to keep our spouse happy emotionally, physically, and sexually. The problem isn't how often you have sex or if you're having sex, the issue is why.
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post #116 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Right? I can't think of a bigger libido killer then someone who doesn't want you and is putting out so you'll stfu.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #117 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Vega, I'm interested in your take on a question that has been acknowledged in this thread.

If you were in a relationship, and your significant other felt they needed sex but you didn't, would it be a good thing or a bad thing if they just met that need elsewhere? What is your answer to that question, and what are your reasons for your answer, whatever it might be?
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post #118 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:47 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

James,
No - that comment wasn't directed at you at all. I find this to be an interesting and useful exchange.

I was referring to folks who claim not to understand other people's needs, simply because those needs are different than their own.



Quote:
Originally Posted by JamesTKirk View Post
Are you saying I'm willfully uncomprehending what you're saying? If so, fine and be smug about it. I'm not uncomprehending what you're saying. I was looking for clarification to your statement which could have been taken one of two ways.
Also, if it wasn't clear, I do agree with you 10x10. No argument there.
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post #119 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:48 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

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Life,

I do think - there are times when you keep having maintenance sex. Yes yes I fully realize how messed up that sounds. But this isn't driven by a desire to get your partner to stfu.

It's driven by commitment. Sounds very unsexy.

Three times in a row - I took one for the team - during the space of a couple weeks. I was a bit depressed - and each time M2 initiated - I felt this desire to NOT have sex. And each time - smiled - let my body take over - had a decent to good experience.

And then the black mist dissipated - and I was back to normal.

And FWIW - each of those three times - what was going through my head was the same question. How often is it like THIS for M2?

And I think that's fine if it's in the spirit of a loving marriage. I haven't necessarily been up for it every time we've had sex, but there's never a time I DON'T want to be there, only times I'm more or less into it.

My original point was only that if one takes the position that it's not a big deal for an unenthusiastic spouse to have sex then it's only fair that the receiver not complain about duty sex.

If that's all you ever get you've got bigger problems.
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post #120 of 1358 (permalink) Old 06-22-2016, 12:56 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

You know, as soon as the word "duty" is added to "sex" my vagina dries up. I can't stand the idea of sex being a duty. That kills my whole concept of what sex is supposed to be - fun and enjoyable for both, an expression of passion for each other, and something we share. Treating it like having to wipe your ass every day or brush your teeth - gotta do it! - makes me want to vomit and never have sex again. Treating it like it's my job and I owe someone sex takes all the fun and passion out of it. No. It would destroy any relationship I have if sex is treated like a duty.

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