Is Sex The "Bottom Line"? - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:04 AM Thread Starter
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Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

We talk about sex every day. It's the END all, to BE all, for some.

And for others, they couldn't care less.

We see it in magazines. Online articles. Scholarly essays and news reports. Women's orgasms aren't "necessary" for procreation. Men's orgasm's aren't "necessary" OUTSIDE of procreation.

We hunt it down. We seek it. And if we don't get it (from someone else), we're "grumpy" and/or "irritable".

We marry because we have this belief that we'll have wedded conjugal bliss (on OUR terms, of course) well into our 90's. And if we don't "get it" 4-6 times a week, or 3 times a day, we'll become "unhappy", especially with our "selfish" partner.

We marry to get it. We divorce because of the lack or TOO MUCH of it. We even DEMAND it, because we EXPECT it. We're entitled to it because of it's "biological" nature or simply because of our gender.

Some of us want it because we believe that it's the ULTIMATE expression of our "love" for our partner. Yet, that same person may have NO PROBLEM having sex with people BEFORE his/her partner with NO "feelings" attached.

Some of us see it as "bonding". You know...becoming "one" and all that...Others will see it as merely a physical way of 'releasing' built up sexual tension.

It's the "E-ticket" ride in an amusement park. A 'ride' that we want to jump on over and over again. Or, it's the 'hell' that some people feel. And from the ultra-feminist point of view, it's a symbol of man's domination over women.

Regardless of our attitudes toward it, it seems to be that sex is "It". Forget about the rest of the "relationship." Forget about "until death do us part"...forget about "love", too!

The reason why I'm saying all of this, is because I've been sex-less for the past 8 months or so. And, I'm HAPPY! I don't "need" sex in order to be HAPPY. Yet, it seems that so many others put so much weight on sex for their happiness.

Now, don't get me wrong. I've been VERY HD in some of my relationships. But the point is, that I'm not UN happy if I'm not in a relationship getting laid however many times a day. I've also been in relationship where the frequency of sex was very low...

But...

...that didn't make me UN happy!

So tell me...is it REALLY the end all to BE all? And if so,

WHY??????


'
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post #2 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:23 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

I'm reading a book called the "Passionate Marriage" and there is a transitional point on sexual maturity that comes with our later years in life. While not stated in the book, it gets at this:

At a young age, sex is 99% hormones and friction.

In our 30s sex is 50% emotions and 50% friction.

In our 50s sex is 80% emotions and 20% friction.

In our 60s we reach our full sexual potential and can have extraordinarily awesome sex for the purpose of emotional bonding. Many do not reach this potential because the lack personal development emotionally and have fears, shame, or do not want to be vulnerable.

I think two problems occur for men. 1) when physical stimulation starts to wane, men struggle to accept their maturity and try to do what ever it takes to prove they are still young. 2) There are inherent problems in the relationship and sex is seen as the primary solution to fix those problems (ignoring emotions and trying to focus on physical rewards). In BOTH these situations, if things stay that way for too many years, sex will turn ugly and toxic unless personal growth occurs.

As for women @Vega what would you see as the primary obstacles that prevents women from maturing and wanting to form a close emotional/pleasurable bond with a spouse fro the long term (aside from the results of the above of a husband being immature for too many years)?

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post #3 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:23 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

I am married to a LD person. I'm moderate to high needs in that regard. But, no, sex isn't the most important aspect of our marriage. It does help me to build a bond with my wife and maintain it, but it isn't extremely high on our list of bonding needs.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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post #4 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

It is one of two components for me to have a complete relationship. Emotional intimacy is the other.

Without either, the relationship (to me) is incomplete.

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post #5 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Sex is like sugar. You can live without it, but life is simply more enjoyable WITH sugar.

It's Tuesday and I want some SUGAR !
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post #6 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:27 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

You know what amazes me, is that most couples will talk about sex, about why they are not interested, why they do not have time, etc....then it actually takes the time to do.

Last edited by Lostinthought61; 02-05-2017 at 04:44 PM.
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post #7 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

sex is way exaggerated in our culture i think.

i know there are lots of people who need lots of sex, or at least think they do. however i can't speak for them.

i was a single bachelor for MANY years and did without sex, and like you, i was pretty darn happy. matter of fact, i was in spite of my current wonderful
marriage, about as happy as i am now, but in a different way.

however, i draw the line at marriage. i am christian, but even if you are not, or irreligious, i think the same principle applies, that sex
is necessary and mandated between husband and wife. if the husband and wife do not have regular sex, the marriage is greatly diminished.
of course there are valid exceptions to this when there are age, or medical reasons, but the marriage will still be diminished.
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post #8 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

I think the "need" aspect is different for every individual. There are biological, social, personal reasons for why a person is the way they are. There is no better, or worse way about it...just different.

Yes, a sexless relationship can be a marriage, and a sexual relationship does not have to be a marriage. That said...the marital relationship is at it's core, a sexual relationship. Sex is what sets a marriage apart from every other relationship such as friends, room mates, parent/child, etc...

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
-My wife
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post #9 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Being in a sexless marriage, I firmly believe that sex creates bonding that can't be replicated otherwise in a marriage. In our case, I feel that at least some of the issues that I have with my wife could be solved with regular sex - however, she has no interest as sex requires effort, and she's generally lazy (she'd rather sit on her duff than play with the kids or exercise, let alone sex).
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post #10 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:34 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Frequency is one metric, but I'm not sure I would choose 5 quickies a week vs a nicely planned 2-3 hour Saturday night (good old days)... what matters is not merely the physical act but the meaning - my partner still wants / likes / craves me 😂

If you're married for a couple decades the idea of emotional bonding is strange. If you didn't bond with your wife after a colicky baby or some new adventure or when the kids flee the nest and you walk back to the car from the college dorm, empty nesters now, a BJ is the least of your concerns.
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post #11 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:43 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vega View Post
We marry because we have this belief that we'll have wedded conjugal bliss (on OUR terms, of course) well into our 90's. And if we don't "get it" 4-6 times a week, or 3 times a day, we'll become "unhappy", especially with our "selfish" partner.
Yikes, talk about an exaggeration as if this is precisely the expectation of everyone who marries (only one of the two people of course). Then again, fits well with the typical Anti HD / pro LD theme to try and make a point ...

In many cases, marriages don't fail just b/c of sex (or lack of). Sex is usually just a symptom of bigger problems in the marriage (it is easier for some people to just focus on the sex aspects instead of dealing with the larger issues).

Part of the problem, two people get into a relationship and sex is part of that relationship. Now let's say a few years go by and one person decides that sex isn't really that important anymore. How can that not be considered an issue, when one person just completely discounts something that was part of the relationship? Its funny, some of the people who would say "what's the big deal, sex is not that critical" would be the same people crying foul if their SO decided to de-prioritize some other area of the relationship that had been present from the start.

Last edited by EllisRedding; 06-21-2016 at 11:24 AM.
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post #12 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:44 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

When we got married we half jokingly asked ourselves, "It's not just about the sex, right?" We still ask that.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #13 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Of course for someone who doesn't care about sex, they won't consider it important.

As for me, it is not all there is to marriage. Actually, in my first marriage we had sex a lot more than some of the people here (although less than I would have preferred).

That wasn't the reason I left. Emotional abuse was.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #14 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 11:03 AM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Vega, if you're happy within and don't need sex, I'm really delighted for you.
Do you have a negative or positive view on sex?
When you look back on your relationships, what benefits did you get from sex?
Or did you see it as a chore, a mandatory thing in order to keep the marriage on a equilibrium?


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post #15 of 1357 (permalink) Old 06-21-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Is Sex The "Bottom Line"?

Yes, sex is the end all and be all for me. It does not require a why. I don't have to justify why I desire sex. It is enough that I do.

You are happy without sex. Fine. Works for you. No problem there. You are in a sexless marriage. If you are both fine with that, great. No reason for you to have sex you don't want. No reason a marriage MUST include sex if both spouses are happy without it.

The only problem is when a person who is perfectly happy not having sex (or who actually prefers not having sex) marries a person for whom sex is the be all and end all of marriage. And even that isn't a problem if the they realize it soon enough and end the marriage soon enough so they can both go find more compatible partners. The problem comes when they have been together a long time and the LD gradually consents to less and less sex. Like slowly turning up the heat on the frog in the pot. Then the HD can face some very nasty consequences from exercising their right to exit the marriage and go looking for a more compatible partner. THAT is what leads to most of the angst.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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