Husband obsessed with sex... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-30-2011, 06:06 PM Thread Starter
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Husband obsessed with sex...

I have been married for 2 and 1/2 years now and things are pretty terrible right now. We once, at the very beginning had a great marriage, but it has turned definately for the worse. I have had 2 previous marriages and both were disasters from the beginning. I do not have any sex prolems to think of in the 1st of the marriages, but the 2nd is a completely different story. My 2nd husband raped me every night for a month. Now, I know you are wondering how this could take place and I let it happen? I had become very ill before this time and was put on some very STRONG medications and they would knock me out for hours. So, since I was sick and not being of any use to him sexually, he decided to take things into his own hands. The only way that I found out what he had done was that the last time he raped me, he made the mistake of not putting things back like they were to begin with, plus I was laying in a pool of blood. I am sorry if this upsets some of you. Now, I am married once again. Before we got married, I knew that I could pack a bag and take off anytime I wanted to with nothing to lose. Now, as with all marriages, it is more difficult than that. My now husband, was always a little aggressive about sex, but never to the extent he is now. He is out right obsessed with it. I have learned his habits, of course, and know what to expect everyday. He can only go one day without wanting to have sex. Since I was raped, I developed PTSD and with the drive that my husband has, it triggers memories that I thought were way in my past. He even goes as far as to offer to pay me to have sex when I do not want to. I have caught him on his comuter looking at porn (whick I believe should not be in a marriage) and he continued for a while, stopped, started back, etc. There is never a normal conversation between us. Mostly all conversations consist of some sex topic. I have been at the point of checking the history of his computer to see if he has been on porn sites or not, but lately have given him some privacy and not checked. I have never believed in porn and definately do not believe it belongs in a marriage. I have had a complete historectomy and am not on HRT and have not been since my surgery. I am only 35 years old and I feel as if I have lived so many lives. Is there any hope in solving this problem? Will he stay this way? Do I just accept it? I have no idea...
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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-30-2011, 07:44 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

All due respect, you desperately need the assistance and intervention of professionals to sort through the depth and degree of the kind of issues you describe.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-30-2011, 08:58 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by froggie View Post
Is there any hope in solving this problem? Will he stay this way? Do I just accept it? I have no idea...
How often do you and your hubby have sex? Based upon all evidnce Id assume that your views of sex have been skewered, and rightfully so. You have been through a heck of a lot.

One more question that will really help is this: Is this marriage starting to go downhill like the other two? Can you see similarities?

It's not because things are difficult that we do not dare;
It's because we do not dare that things are difficult.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 07:53 AM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

Get to a sex therapist. Sex therapists are qualified to handle marriage counseling and individual counseling, especially concerning sex issues. It sounds like you could use both.

Good luck.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 08:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

My husband will try to initiate sex every other day. That is the amount that keeps him happy. He has a very high sex drive and I have a very love drive. My lack of desire comes from several different reasons...1st the PTSD, 2nd my medications and 3rd I just do not desire sex anymore. I have one child and can not have anymore. My husband if completely different from my past 2 husbnds. I have always been fortunate enough to have someone that made good money at their job and have had a different lifestyle from what I do now. Not that material things will make me happy, but being broke sure does put a strain on a marriage. I can see the marriage slipping away, but not as the others did. There were completely different issues than with the previous 2. And to answer another question, yes this is on top of our financial situation that I posted about as well. So, if you add everything up, it seems like a disaster in the making. I have tried to get him to go to a counselor with me and he refuses. He always avoids the problems we have and never wants to try to solve them. I have had to turn myself upside down so that now I have no clue as to who I really am. He accepted ME at the beginning of our relationship, but has said no to this and no to that over the years, and now he asks me "Where is that girl I fell in love with?". That girl is still her, but I just do not think that is what he honestly wants. On the other hand, I also do not know anything else he wants from me besides sex. And it is just that...SEX... no cuddling, kissing, holding, romance, intimacy...just plain out SEX!
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 09:21 AM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

froggie ~

Are you currently in individual counseling for yourself? If not, I would highly recommend it. It can help you work through your issues and give you coping strategies/mechanisms, and it could be very beneficial to you.

Best wishes.

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 01:26 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

From what u described - your husband does not have an obsession to sex. Wanting to share that with you every day is not over the top. Maybe there is a porn addiction and that needs to be discussed with your hubby.

I know you have mentioned something about not being able to pack up your bags quickly and run off like in the past. Marriage should not be looked at in this manner. This is your third marriage - you should really fight for it. It is a good thing that you have tried to get him to attend counseling together - that's a good step. Keep the pressure on him -but try getting counseling for yourself as well.

Sex should be viewed as a positive event. I know you had a bad past - but you need to move on and perhaps go to counseling about your past with your x.
Try talking to your husband about intimacy and how much it means to you ; but never with hold - he should never be driven to pay you.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 06:26 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

If he feels driven to pay you, he can feel driven to go outside. Not just porn, but really outside. Not trying to justify that in any way, shape or form. Just saying it can happen. Yes he needs to come to counseling too, but you cannot control him, you can only control yourself. If he won't go, you should go anyway. And you still need to deal with your PTSD from the 2nd marriage.

My other comment is that since this is your 3rd marriage, that says something to me about your skills in vetting men for marriage. You are not responsible for their conduct, but you are responsible for the possible consequences of the choices you make in life. Much of life is risk and life is often not fair. So you may reflect on how your courtships went, how much time, how little time, how you might have missed warning signs, how you might have gone past your PTSD to marry again without fulling dealing with it. There may be lessons for you in all of these things if you are open minded to them. Good luck.

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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 07:50 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

Quote:
Originally Posted by froggie View Post
My husband will try to initiate sex every other day. That is the amount that keeps him happy. He has a very high sex drive and I have a very love drive.
Im trying to be helpful so if any of the following comes of as rude, it isnt meant that way.

I will explain something about my (and I assume other males) sex drive that it took me 9 months to drill into my wifes head, who used to think I was sex obsessed.

Sex is like that itch you cant scratch. Ive got an itch, and I want you to scratch it. If you refuse me today, then tomorrow, dont be suprised if I ask for a scratch because its the exact same itch.
You refuse me on day 2, well on day 3, Im going to ask again.

I know nagging isnt going to make you want to scratch. But from a mans point of view, we sometimes feel like you have no interest in scratching what so ever. Sometimes we feel like you think we are pathetic for wanting scratches at all. We arent the emotionally grounded ones in the relationship and can act like little brats about it sometimes.

I feel like a little kid talknig about scratches so I will stop here.

Take away message is this: While you may have a low drive, maybe offer a handie. OFFER. You will be amazed at how quickly a man can change when the wife truly starts to understand his sexual needs. AMAZED.

It's not because things are difficult that we do not dare;
It's because we do not dare that things are difficult.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 08:12 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

The tough thing here is the issues you had before you met your current husband.

It's perfectly normal for him to be looking for sex every couple of days.

You just need to decide what you want to do about your issues and how you will address them.
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 08:41 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

You are not describing a man obsessed with sex. You are describing a man with normal sexual habit that aren't being fulfilled so he turns to porn. There are 2 other alternatives for him. Go outside the marriage to get his needs filled, or ignore his needs and let thing continue as is.

Either way doesnt sound like you'll be happy. I agree with others help of a sex therapist is the way.
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 11:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

Many replies that I am getting are so centered around the fact that this is my 3rd marriage. Not to be rude, but that is not the problem. Yet, yes I should have dealt with my PTSD before committing to another marriage, I am in it for better or for worse. I can not go back and change the past, all I can do is learn from it and make a better life. Why should I be the one to always have to "scratch" his needs? Why should he not look at my point of view and understand my reasons for not wanting to have sex every day or every other day? Many people read into numbers and think it the that persons fault for past marriages falling apart. Some fall apart due to lack of attention and love, and some fall apart due to physical abuse, neglect, battery, suicides, etc.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-31-2011, 11:49 PM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

So, your husband "wants" sex with you every day.

How often do you "want" sex with him?

How often do you have sex with him?
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-01-2011, 12:48 AM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

I would worry if my husband didn't want it every other day (I want it ever other day so we have it every day ) But...yea...the fact that he wants you is a good thing


Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 11-01-2011, 08:56 AM
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Re: Husband obsessed with sex...

How much does your husband know about your past? I see that you asked him to go to counselling with you, but it is unclear how much you have told him about your other marriages, your PTSD and the issues you are dealing with.

Last edited by Tall Average Guy; 11-01-2011 at 12:27 PM.
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