What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 08:19 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

It seems like a lot of work for a moderate return. I do not doubt that this can help or work for some people. It also seems like the HD has to suppress themselves constantly and always adapt to the LDs limitations, while using ruses and cajoling to create a mood that may lead to sex. Obviously, it's important enough to you to do this, and you may enjoy the challenge sufficiently to persist. I wouldn't be able to do this, nor would I want to. I want a more natural, more balanced sex life for myself without so much preliminary strategizing and effort - and that was part of the reason I divorced my ex and am extremely happy in my present relationship.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #17 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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It also seems like the HD has to suppress themselves constantly and always adapt to the LDs limitations.
Quite the contrary in HD/LD!

The HD is completely free of having to suppress anything, because all the resulting failure can easily be blamed on the LD. In most cases the LD feels inadequate and is more than willing to except all the blame.

Then once the LD realizes that he/she is not LD anymore, it is the HD partner that will run and hide as the realization of where the failure was coming from starts to show its true self!

So in HD/LD relationships it is actually the LD suppressing themselves as the result of the HD's overzealous ability to blame everything on those around him/her.

Regards,
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post #18 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:33 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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OK, then we are back to #1.

#1 Differentiation trumps indifference!


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Differ...ion_(sociology)

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Mutual indifference, to be precise. The 180 and such assume a level of interest, while true indifference is a lot harder to attain.
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post #19 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Differentiation works if the other person is interested in the differences, by the way. But for some people it is the core concept that bothers them, not how it is differentiated from others.

In my line of work, if the customer is interested in some cheap piece of krap, no amount of differentiation will make them choose my stuff unless it caters to his one wish, the bottom line.

Differentiation helps make the sale when the customer is somehow interested. If there's no interest you could give it away for free and still no takers.
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post #20 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:14 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Quite the contrary in HD/LD!

The HD is completely free of having to suppress anything, because all the resulting failure can easily be blamed on the LD. In most cases the LD feels inadequate and is more than willing to except all the blame.

Then once the LD realizes that he/she is not LD anymore, it is the HD partner that will run and hide as the realization of where the failure was coming from starts to show its true self!

So in HD/LD relationships it is actually the LD suppressing themselves as the result of the HD's overzealous ability to blame everything on those around him/her.

Regards,
Badsanta
That's an interesting perspective. However, I don't recall you posting anywhere that you have reached the point where you need to run and hide. Honestly, I don't see it ever happening.

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post #21 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Mutual indifference, to be precise. The 180 and such assume a level of interest, while true indifference is a lot harder to attain.
If you were truly indifferent to each other and also planning your exit, then the idea of you reading advice on how to help improve HD/LD relationships seems a bit a w k w a r d now doesn't it?

You will quickly dismiss this as seeing my solutions as things that are simply/jokingly not applicable in your marriage as a way to continue justifying your exit. But for some reason you still feel the need to double check that you did not miss anything.

So this once every two or three months, do you still enjoy it?

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post #22 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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That's an interesting perspective. However, I don't recall you posting anywhere that you have reached the point where you need to run and hide. Honestly, I don't see it ever happening.
Dude, TAM is my hideout! sssshhhhhhh!
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post #23 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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C. No schedule, but setting "Sex dates" works. Long story short, spontaneously trying to get her turned on and having sex became difficult. It's not on her mind and when I try to start she seems surprised because sex isn't on her mind and she has other plans for the evening. In the morning or earlier in the day I'll either say to her that I'd like to give her a massage, or have a drink with her later on. Both are well known as invitations to have sex later on. She responds positively and seemingly enthusiastically about it. The rest of the day she has sex planned for later on, so that evening she's ready and in the mood. By the time I have the kid to bed, she might be wearing something sexy or already drinking beer/wine/margarita.

D. I asked my wife once what turns her on. She said "Just being happy." So if she's unhappy, she's not up for sex. When she's in a great mood, I flirt with her and it works out. I can't control when good and bad days will so I don't rely on this, but it's a good tip.

E. Alcohol. As long as I've known her she's much more relaxed and enjoys sex more after at least 1 drink. She's otherwise very cerebral and sometimes a bit uptight. tired. So that's where massages come in instead of alcohol.

.
I really like these. When sex is infrequent it is awkward. Even though I am the HD one, I still have to get my head in the game to release any inhibitions or I am on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Bad Santa...I agree with much of what you said. Kudos for being able to find a middle ground you both can live with. I especially agree with being natural. An O comes much more easily with a little more foreplay and less "tools." The tools only focus on a certain area instead of arousing the whole body which I think many women want. I think many men (women too) don't understand the foreplay is the time you spend on non sex areas. Hence before you play.

Thank you both for good advice.
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post #24 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:19 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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If you were truly indifferent to each other and also planning your exit, then the idea of you reading advice on how to help improve HD/LD relationships seems a bit a w k w a r d now doesn't it?

You will quickly dismiss this as seeing my solutions as things that are simply/jokingly not applicable in your marriage as a way to continue justifying your exit. But for some reason you still feel the need to double check that you did not miss anything.

So this once every two or three months, do you still enjoy it?

Badsanta
Aha. A good set of points.

TAM to me is like Angry Birds, a good way to pass time. Except you meet some interesting people in the process and learn about life after exit. Not awkward at all.

I do pick up tips here and there, so that aspect isn't completely useless. Have I missed anything? At one point I thought I did. Ran my numbers once again, got more input... I mean, it took me a full year on TAM to realize it's not fixable, not with what I have to work with at least.

How does it feel? I wouldn't know. I gave up the ghost a while ago, no point in dragging a dead horse and all that. The last few times there was a very contrived and unpleasant feeling, like it was all w.t.f I'm doing here type of feeling. That was all she wrote.
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post #25 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-01-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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There is likely no such thing as LD!
agree


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#1 Don't get angry at her when we do not have sex!
agree

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#2 Give her a break after we have had sex!
disagree.

do what you want.

why would you want to spend your life constantly assessing her mood and if it's OK to do what you really want? if she doesn't want to, she will surely reject you.

this just appears to be a backdoor way of avoiding rejection


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#3 Don't ask for sex during her period!
so now you need to monitor her mood and her cycle too.

is she paying any attention to your mood and what your desires are on any particular day, or is it all on you to figure her out?

pretty obvious who works for who here

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#4 For the love of god, just let sex be natural!
agree, but this is not consistent with the other things on your list.

if it was natural you would not be constantly monitoring and scheming, you would just be going for it when you wanted to

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#5 If I really need her and she is not in the mood, then just enjoy it!
agree. forget about whether she enjoys it. your outsized focus on this is just another example of the lopsided power dynamic

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#6 If I am not going to be able to get in the mood, but she is, then she should just enjoy it!
how does this even work? you're having sex and you're not in the mood?

maybe you're too focused on her and if you focused on what you want to do more you would be more in the mood.

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Those are the six things that I have discovered that make a dramatic difference for my wife to be able to enjoy intimacy in our marriage. It took me a very long time to recognize these things and understand the dynamics associated with them.

Sincerely,
Badsanta
I think it's cool you are having some success with this but it seems like a very one sided dynamic overall

I can't imagine that you could feel satisfied by this long term.
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post #26 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-02-2016, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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#6 If I am not going to be able to get in the mood, but she is, then she should just enjoy it!
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how does this even work? you're having sex and you're not in the mood?

maybe you're too focused on her and if you focused on what you want to do more you would be more in the mood.
Regarding #6 and not being able to get in the mood, I could probably define that better by saying I am actually very in the mood, but may have difficulty achieving orgasm. So in this case I "man up" and tell her exactly that so that she knows not to waste her efforts on me and for her to be emboldened to ask/do whatever SHE wants. So when this happens it is kinda like being at a restaurant that is changing over from breakfast to lunch. Yes, you could still order from the breakfast menu, but you will get a much better experience to just go ahead and order lunch. So for her this is like wanting to share an omelet with hash browns, but instead knowing she is better off spoiling herself by ordering the dungeness crab with an expensive glass of wine while we enjoy just sitting together and I enjoy a few bites here and there.

Generally speaking #6 is so enjoyable for me to see her so pleased, that by the time it is over I'm actually very in the mood. BUT I do enjoy her leaving me in this state and teasing me about it! Then later in the day or the next day when I can't take it anymore she will surprise me by just letting me be selfish and surprising me with something I had no idea she would be willing to do for me.

So while it is great to "share" an experience. It can also be very nice to take turns pleasing each other and really surprise each other with our efforts to do things that would not really be possible if it were a shared experience. This is something new, particularly for her to start asking for things that she might really enjoy if I am more in the mood just to please her.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #27 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-02-2016, 02:29 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

LOL, #6 as explained may only happen to us older folks. 20 years ago it would have perhaps come up during or after round 4, which of course NEVER happened after marriage. Nowadays it has come up a few times on the very RARE round 3 or 2. I'd agree, it is very pleasant giving her a good time while knowing it won't happen for you. In another 5 or 10 years I'm sure it'll come up on round one from time to time.
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post #28 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-02-2016, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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LOL, #6 as explained may only happen to us older folks. 20 years ago it would have perhaps come up during or after round 4, which of course NEVER happened after marriage. Nowadays it has come up a few times on the very RARE round 3 or 2. I'd agree, it is very pleasant giving her a good time while knowing it won't happen for you. In another 5 or 10 years I'm sure it'll come up on round one from time to time.
My wife likes it when I go over the edge effortlessly. Yes, I could go for round 3 in the same day if I had to, but my wife absolutely does not like the jackhammer-style lovemaking that it takes for that to happen, as essentially I am forcing myself to orgasm. In my opinion 99% of porn videos demonstrate the man forcing an orgasm. Rarely do you see the ones where the man makes love and effortlessly explodes.

So @anonmd unless you are going to effortlessly explode after say about 15 minutes of slow but intense grinding, perhaps you might want to man up and wait to see what happens later in the day or the next morning. You'll feel like a teenager loosing your virginity again! - LOL!

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post #29 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-02-2016, 04:03 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Re-read for more understanding
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post #30 of 108 (permalink) Old 07-02-2016, 09:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Re-read for more understanding
As always us older folks are a little slow!
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