What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-20-2016, 10:08 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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All excuses that divert attention away from solving real issues are very problematic. Sex aside, I think our instincts to get upset when a loved one rejects us are NOT necessarily about getting upset because we don't get sex. But I am now starting to think we get more upset because instinctually we know we are being lied to.

So in the following scenario a wife is upset at you for reason A) but gives you excuses B) C) D) E) & F) as to why she feels distant. She then gets upset at you for getting frustrated at her because you ONLY want sex. Meanwhile she is guilty of not taking the time to confront problem A) with you.

In reality if my wife said, I am upset over issue A) and that makes me not want to be close to you right now. I could actually deal with that and NOT get upset. At that point the issue of having sex or not is no longer an important issue, but taking a moment to discuss our feeling to one another IS important.

What is my story behind this one? Parenting issues and our teenage kids throwing me under the bus!

Badsanta
Thankfully my wife at least used to give very implausible excuses, making it not worth to even consider them...
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post #47 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-20-2016, 10:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Thankfully my wife at least used to give very implausible excuses, making it not worth to even consider them...
Just for you @john117

Badsanta's PUA Move #89,345 Please help me fix the jacuzzi!

For very complicated reasons your wife can not understand, she needs to get in the jacuzzi and place her hands over the jets as you ask her to in order to diagnose a leak that is about to cause a serious termite problem. You can get in there with her, and turn it into a game of twister (left toe now over the right jet!). Claim that soap suds are needed as a tracer as you need to see if soap bubbles come out in this leak.

I'll leave it up to you @john117 if you want to use that to start having sex, or just entertain yourself with her for a while!



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post #48 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-20-2016, 10:48 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Hot tubs are so 1980's
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post #49 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 08:31 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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To me the word "foreplay" invokes the idea of actions that are specifically purposed for enhancing sexual arousal. If anything my wife prefers any activities or gestures that are overtly sexual to be downplayed if not right out avoided during daily life in favor of dedicating time to being a team to get things accomplished.

She does like to be reminded that I "care" about her during the day, but I would not go so far as to say that qualifies as sexual foreplay. Yes it improves her emotional closeness and sexual receptivity once the moment occurs, because she needs to feel me put more emphasis on "who" she is as a person compared to "what" she can offer me as a sexual object. So if I text her that I'm "thinking of you" she will likely text me back playfully that she is not responsible if I got myself all aroused thinking of her. BUT if I text her, "is you back feeling better" she will respond to that knowing I care about her.
Feeling seduced, pursued, complimented, charmed, cherished, and made to feel beautiful are a woman's biggest turn ons. (This is Esther Perel, but I wholeheartedly agree!) Most of the list above is not sexual. A woman is arroused between her ears before she is between her legs.
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post #50 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Feeling seduced, pursued, complimented, charmed, cherished, and made to feel beautiful are a woman's biggest turn ons. (This is Esther Perel, but I wholeheartedly agree!) Most of the list above is not sexual. A woman is arroused between her ears before she is between her legs.
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In a LTR the "context" in which these elements occur can make them go from being her biggest turn on into her biggest turn off!

If we just spent an ample amount of time together (including having sex), the kids now need her attention, and she feels exhausted and overwhelmed with other things that need to get done, ...I can with about a 100% degree of certainty say that if I continued to "seduce, persue, compliment, charm, cherish, and make her feel beautiful" that it would be a HUGE TURN OFF! I'd probably feel more like a pesky mosquito that will not stop buzzing in her face and trying to get her.

This is why my wife feels like me actively being on a team together to help with the day to day routine of being a family is what make her feel the closest to me.
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post #51 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 08:51 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Feeling loved and accepted just as I am makes me feel close to my husband. And when I feel close to him, physical intimacy seems to flow naturally from that.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #52 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Feeling seduced, pursued, complimented, charmed, cherished, and made to feel beautiful are a woman's biggest turn ons. (This is Esther Perel, but I wholeheartedly agree!) Most of the list above is not sexual. A woman is arroused between her ears before she is between her legs.
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And if there's nothing emotional between the ears, good luck with that...
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post #53 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 09:48 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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In a LTR the "context" in which these elements occur can make them go from being her biggest turn on into her biggest turn off!

If we just spent an ample amount of time together (including having sex), the kids now need her attention, and she feels exhausted and overwhelmed with other things that need to get done, ...I can with about a 100% degree of certainty say that if I continued to "seduce, persue, compliment, charm, cherish, and make her feel beautiful" that it would be a HUGE TURN OFF! I'd probably feel more like a pesky mosquito that will not stop buzzing in her face and trying to get her.

This is why my wife feels like me actively being on a team together to help with the day to day routine of being a family is what make her feel the closest to me.
Perhaps it's the woman. I know that if he's driving to the goal line with his compliments, then it will be a turn off. But given how much of my day I spend being "mom" and "housekeeper" and " organizer," I appreciate being reminded he still finds me the woman he most wants. And not just sexually, but in all ways.
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post #54 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 01:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Perhaps it's the woman. I know that if he's driving to the goal line with his compliments, then it will be a turn off. But given how much of my day I spend being "mom" and "housekeeper" and " organizer," I appreciate being reminded he still finds me the woman he most wants. And not just sexually, but in all ways.
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Let us put that in context:

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I've been separated for about 7 months now and met a few men when I tried online dating. So, suffice to say that I know a LOT of married couples or formerly married couples and it seems there's no magic for a couple working out. I've known couples that never fought, but the neglect was so bad that one had an affair. I've known couples that did the whole party scene with their neighbors and both ended up cheating. I know couples who stayed together until the kids left the house and others (like me) who decided that another decade of arguing and unhappiness wasn't a good home life.
Since you are separated and not yet divorced, let us apply this thread to your STBXH in hopes of reconciliation. If I can ask candidly and honestly, what would it take for him to make you feel close to him again? Do you want him to be attracted to you and want sex, or at this point would it be more important to resolve disputes easily and start working together as a solid team to accomplish things together that are almost impossible to do alone? If my suspicions are correct you would prefer him to be an amicable teammate first, but also as a second priority someone that makes you feel like a woman.

If you are dating again, odds are your friends/family are being supportive teammates and you are overlooking the importance of that in a marriage. If you go out and find a relationship for the sole focus of making you feel like a woman again, odds are it will be a rebound relationship based on using sex to numb your pain.

So think of your answer ONLY in the context of what you would need from your STBXH to reconcile and feel intimately close to him again?

Badsanta

Last edited by badsanta; 08-21-2016 at 01:33 PM.
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post #55 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 02:20 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Let us put that in context:



Since you are separated and not yet divorced, let us apply this thread to your STBXH in hopes of reconciliation. If I can ask candidly and honestly, what would it take for him to make you feel close to him again? Do you want him to be attracted to you and want sex, or at this point would it be more important to resolve disputes easily and start working together as a solid team to accomplish things together that are almost impossible to do alone? If my suspicions are correct you would prefer him to be an amicable teammate first, but also as a second priority someone that makes you feel like a woman.

If you are dating again, odds are your friends/family are being supportive teammates and you are overlooking the importance of that in a marriage. If you go out and find a relationship for the sole focus of making you feel like a woman again, odds are it will be a rebound relationship based on using sex to numb your pain.

So think of your answer ONLY in the context of what you would need from your STBXH to reconcile and feel intimately close to him again?

Badsanta
We are still attempting reconciliation. Honestly, I want both, but neither is my top priority. For us, I need to feel that spark, that chemistry. The thing that makes you look at someone from afar and want to be close to them.

He's working on his confidence, which is critical to any success we may have. He's already said he's falling in love with me again; I'm hoping he can be outwardly a man I want to be with. I've had sexual compatibility, I've had personality compatibility, and I've had teamwork compatibility (my husband). Perhaps I want too much to have all in a single person, but I think that if I can bring my authentic self to a relationship, then I hope I can deserve the same. Only time will tell.
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post #56 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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We are still attempting reconciliation. Honestly, I want both, but neither is my top priority. For us, I need to feel that spark, that chemistry. The thing that makes you look at someone from afar and want to be close to them.
Love has seasons. You can't have a desire to feel closer to someone that is already at your side. If you must spark, you might be able to throw an arc to make him jump back and give you some personal space or get up off the couch and help you.

If you are missing those "butterflies in your stomach" of excitement when he is around you and wanting him to pursue you... well if you must make him get a job as a highway patrolman, and pass by him at 100mph everyday on the freeway!

Cheers,
Badsanta
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post #57 of 108 (permalink) Old 08-21-2016, 07:17 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Love has seasons. You can't have a desire to feel closer to someone that is already at your side. If you must spark, you might be able to throw an arc to make him jump back and give you some personal space or get up off the couch and help you.

If you are missing those "butterflies in your stomach" of excitement when he is around you and wanting him to pursue you... well if you must make him get a job as a highway patrolman, and pass by him at 100mph everyday on the freeway!

Cheers,
Badsanta
Thanks. I think you thread jacked your own thread... I'll go over and post on mine. I wish you continued success!
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post #58 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 08:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

An update to this thread...

This likely belongs in my thread of Marital PUA Moves for the reluctant wife (deleted that thread a while back as it was back when I was trying too hard which is counter productive). Now that things have been improving, I have still held a little bit of a grudge for her unwillingness to initiate. So the following happened completely naturally without any premeditated ideas of manipulating my wife...

We were going to bed, I was rather horny BUT way too tired to act upon these feelings. So I just joked to my wife that she was free of me (playfully) grabbing at her and gaming her for sex that I normally do when I am very aroused, and that I was so tired that I was about to fall asleep. I told her I was very aroused, but that I only had the energy to imagine kissing her and rubbing her legs. ...well, apparently the timing for this to happen was perfect as she happened to be very receptive and took this as an opportunity to toy with me and "test" just how sleepy I really was!

We ended up having sex and she did ALL the work and I enjoyed every moment of it. What has me scratching my head a little is that apparently the quality of lovemaking ended up being extremely good for her! I am not sure if my efforts to improve our intimacy have been working or if she got some form of unique validation by "keeping me VERY awake" when I was seriously exhausted. Perhaps a little of both. On the day this occurred, it had been an emotionally rough day for her so I honestly was not expecting her to be in the mood.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #59 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-11-2016, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Another update to this thread... Ever since starting this thread I have adhered to all the original agreements that my wife and I have made spelled out in the original post. My wife has also been making an effort as well as I notice that she no longer rejects my advances (unless we have an argument that needs to be resolved).

So the last time I found myself in uncharted territory. My wife initiated and it was ME that was not really in the mood. She suggested we get naked and snuggle which we proceeded to do, and I had no reaction to it. I actually started to feel a little anxiety of, "oh crap, if she discovers I'm not in the mood to the point that I am not even getting an erection, she will very likely get her feelings hurt!" But I also laughed to myself and thought, "well OK, perhaps I need to let her feel what it is to have to work for it!" After about ten minutes of snuggling and still getting no reaction out of myself with her naked beside me, I decided to change my attitude and just make it all about her so she could really enjoy the moment.

It was as if karma is teaching me what I have been putting my wife through all these years. Just because I was not getting aroused did not mean that I had lost all my loving feeling for my wife? No, it just meant I was tired and I just ate too much pizza! I could also see why my wife could easily give into feelings of anxiety and push me away as that would be easier than me getting frustrated that she was not getting aroused with me while trying every trick in the book.

...so in making it all about her, I mixed it up a little and did a few things I have never done before. I basically shifted our bodies around and proceeded to give her an "orgasmic meditation" for which I had seen a few videos on youtube like this, but without the talking, gloves, or cheesyness:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-86ZJvBBnNU Rather explicit and NSFW

But instead of ending things there, I took those same concepts and began giving her oral.

Not sure what exactly happened but she described the experience as the absolute best oral sex she had ever had. To the point she looked at me and said that I could do that to her anytime I wanted. By this time I was now in the mood and we proceeded to have a great lovemaking session.

Badsanta

Last edited by badsanta; 09-11-2016 at 01:07 PM.
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post #60 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-11-2016, 01:59 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Badsanta, do you usually have a hard time getting erect? Or is this pretty unusual for you?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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