What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #61 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-11-2016, 04:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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post #62 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-11-2016, 05:28 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Does hearing that she loves you mean just as much to you as the physical pleasure of sex?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #63 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 08:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Does hearing that she loves you mean just as much to you as the physical pleasure of sex?
Her telling me she loves me is actually very important to me. Especially since she does not say it that often and is admittedly not a very affectionate person. I'm OK without hearing it, but since she is someone that almost never says it, it means a lot to me when she does.

For me the physical pleasure of sex is about feeling close and connected to my wife. I do have another thread about that and I do think my own wife misunderstands that my desire for pleasure is more important than feeling connected. But that has been getting better.

As far as just raw physical pleasure goes, the more confidence my wife builds in the bedroom tends to coincide with my increasing levels of pleasure. Since sex tends to be about some sort of validation, I guess mine is about making my wife feel loved.

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post #64 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Imagine having to cook a great dinner for your husband, but he will not give you any clues as to what he likes. You guess and perhaps he will like it, or perhaps not. Not every meal you prepare will be great, and he gets bored quickly if you try the same things too many times. He tells you many times that your efforts to cook are just not that important to him when you fail, but yet you know the best way to a man's heart is through a great meal together. Imagine how that would make you feel while trying to decide what to cook for dinner, that is often how I feel in the bedroom.


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This describes my relationship perfectly and I totally understand the confusion and frustration. For me it is not just sex but also with broader issues. He is the opposite to a control freak, he wants me to be in the drivers seat but is reluctant to tell me where he wants to go. It often leaves me feeling inadequate and anxious as I am not naturally happy being controlling either. It certainly leads to tension both sides.

We have been talking about these issues a lot over the summer and we pretty much have come to the conclusion that it likely originates way back from his childhood and having a domineering parent who basically wants to be pleased, but is never happy or the happiness is only short lived. As a child he would prefer to be 'invisible' than to mess up and make a mistake - he would leave the mistakes for someone else to get the blame (other siblings for example). Could it be that your wife was taught from an early age that everything she does is a potential mistake? Did she have a excessively controlling parent who would be harsh on misjudgements? I know my husband finds it considerably easier to accept that I messed up, but very hard on himself when he gets it wrong.

I have lots of examples of this but don't want to hog your thread.
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post #65 of 108 (permalink) Old 09-12-2016, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Could it be that your wife was taught from an early age that everything she does is a potential mistake? Did she have a excessively controlling parent who would be harsh on misjudgements? I know my husband finds it considerably easier to accept that I messed up, but very hard on himself when he gets it wrong.

I have lots of examples of this but don't want to hog your thread.
Since we are using cooking as a metaphor it is funny how that plays out in real life for my wife...

I'm laughing as I type this, but her mom NEVER even allowed her into the kitchen to learn how things work! To the point that my wife still gets upset about it to this day. When I met my wife in college, she did not even know how to work a coffee maker.

A few years ago out of frustration she put herself through cooking school so that she would no longer feel like a complete idiot in the kitchen. It was worth it because the kids now literally scream for joy when their mom cooks for them! Me too!

So you can see she has had to go through a struggle with regards to that topic and things in our marriage have also improved because of it!

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post #66 of 108 (permalink) Old 10-06-2016, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Do I think she could arouse me and do all the work with me at zero? I honestly doubt it! Those are just not skills she has in her wheel house. And that is probably my fault. She was raised extremely conservatively while I was not. In the bedroom I am the one that has to work on building her confidence, and I do not ever see that working the other way around.
An update to this thread and a comment regarding the topic I quoted above. I've continued to adhere to the things in my original post that my wife needed from me in order to give a chance for things to improve, and they indeed have been improving.

Recently we had a moment of intimacy where I was simply not in the mood, and she was and had to do all the work. To my surprise, not only was she able to do it, but it was incredible. She could not get enough of me, and wanted more than I could give so I found ways to let her continue enjoying the moment after I was finished. Then after everything was over something odd happened, she apologized more than once for being so aroused. At first I thought this was odd, but now that I think through all her years of complaining that I make her feel inadequate that it is likely that she is extremely sensitive to how that can make the other person feel. In this instance however she had likely reached a point to where she could no longer suppress her libido at that moment.

I thought that may add some food for thought for those in a "HD/LD" relationship. The LD person often struggles with feelings of inadequacy and likely knows exactly what things will trigger that. That may in turn cause them to suppress their own libido out of compassion when the HD partner may be unavailable for whatever reason, because he/she would never wish to make another person feel that way.

So in my marriage, I feel like I am now having to work on explaining to my wife not to feel ashamed that her libido can at times now out power and out last me, and that I do not mind putting in a little extra effort even after my opportunity for me to be aroused has come and gone.

Sincerely,
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post #67 of 108 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

An update to this thread...

A rather unexpected turn of events finally revealed something has been causing intimacy in my marriage to be rather problematic for the past many years. I am not going to go into detail, but it was a health condition that was causing my wife to suffer in a wide variety of ways. She had been ignoring the symptoms until recently they became unmanageable for her. Fortunately her problem was 100% treatable and one that is not uncommon (people just don't talk about it which is why I am not sharing any details). Anyway, once she decided on the treatment option, she is as good as new if not better than new.

So now my wife is feeling better with a vengeance. She has become 100% validated that I was pushing her for too much intimacy in the past given the state of her health. BUT she also knows I care about her and have worked hard on our marriage. So NOW the tables are turned on me and she can enjoy me being the one to suffer to try to keep up with her. For the first time I know what it is like to get groped when I am not expecting it and I am not really in the mood to be playful!

So you can only imagine that if I managed to get my wife to feel confident when she was not feeling very well, now that she is 110% I have myself a whole new set of challenges to deal with and my work cut out for me again!

Regards,
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post #68 of 108 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 04:33 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Does this mean the back rubs are back on BS?
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post #69 of 108 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 04:34 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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So now my wife is feeling better with a vengeance. She has become 100% validated that I was pushing her for too much intimacy in the past given the state of her health. BUT she also knows I care about her and have worked hard on our marriage. So NOW the tables are turned on me and she can enjoy me being the one to suffer to try to keep up with her. For the first time I know what it is like to get groped when I am not expecting it and I am not really in the mood to be playful!

So you can only imagine that if I managed to get my wife to feel confident when she was not feeling very well, now that she is 110% I have myself a whole new set of challenges to deal with and my work cut out for me again!

Regards,
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I'm going to go with the glass half full approach and say Congratulations. You are entering a 'feast' phase of marriage. Enjoy every second of it.
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post #70 of 108 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Does this mean the back rubs are back on BS?
I have been getting back rubs now that you mention it!
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post #71 of 108 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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I'm going to go with the glass half full approach and say Congratulations. You are entering a 'feast' phase of marriage. Enjoy every second of it.
My wife was joking with me today and said she is still planning to always tell me "NO" whenever I really want something, "you know, just to keep up with the status quo in our marriage!" Meanwhile, she kept grabbing and groping at me as we were out in public doing some Christmas shopping for the kids!
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post #72 of 108 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 04:11 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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I have been getting back rubs now that you mention it!
Wow! So happy for you. That non sexual intimacy is going to be the 'glue' you both need. Amazing. Get that vibe on permanent charge.
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post #73 of 108 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

...an update to this thread.

My wife's recent ramped up libido was in response to me giving her some extra TLC during her recovery from a surgery. Things are indeed improving still, but many of her negative behaviors and attitudes towards sexual intimacy have gradually been creeping back into place.

Since the first time I started this thread, we had are first big argument about sex today, and she said some things that really hurt my feelings. I struggled to keep my cool, but managed to do so and redirected the argument from a flurry of self defensive comments into trying to find a way to constructively talk about our feelings. What followed was a rather pleasant conversation about her needs versus my needs and additional ways to continue working together to resolve differences in ways that we both might enjoy.

What I get now is that I have a history of getting upset, complaining, and being impatient about sex that proceeds me. Years ago, I might initiate and she would reject me, then I would complain to her that she should not judge me for the fact I would just go watch porn instead. She might offer me a HJ in the past, but I would reject that and insist she was not even trying to get herself in the mood. Today things have gotten much better and I have demonstrated that I can be much more patient with her. She accepts that I may take matters into my own hands if an opportunity is not available, but she still feels as though I would get upset now that I am very reserved to only initiate every so often. She knows now that when I initiate that I mean business, and unless there are extraordinary circumstances she is making a legitimate effort to become much more receptive (with positive results).

She claims that 99% of her problem is still having a fear that I would get upset, but that she can tell I am making an effort. She also admitted that she struggles to understand my sexual drive with regards to how to balance things in a way that we BOTH get to enjoy each other the most. So for the first time she mentioned the idea of quickies. She said she would be very open to trying this, but warned that she feared that I would abuse that by asking for too many and that it is very important for her to feel emotionally connected to me the majority of the times we are together. She also claimed that she feared that I would not be able to do a quickie and called me a "sexual sloth" in that she knows I enjoy taking my time before and after (as does she), but that in order for a quickie to work that it should not interfere with our schedules. So we had a fun and playful conversation on this topic.

My main reason for this update was my excitement of experiencing the two of us getting into a very heated and hurtful argument over sex and then actually managing to turn it around into a positive conversation on the topic. We finished the argument in a rather playful way that put me on cloud 9. Way better than our previous arguments. I think the biggest difference was that I had to let go and stop being defensive when the argument started and just ask, "how can we continue helping each other, and you know I am trying and I definitely see you trying." Making that transition was not easy right after hearing her say some things that kind of hurt, but I managed to stay calm and turn it around.

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post #74 of 108 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:21 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

So, as long as you go along with the box she has you in all is well



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...an update to this thread.

My wife's recent ramped up libido was in response to me giving her some extra TLC during her recovery from a surgery. Things are indeed improving still, but many of her negative behaviors and attitudes towards sexual intimacy have gradually been creeping back into place.

Since the first time I started this thread, we had are first big argument about sex today, and she said some things that really hurt my feelings. I struggled to keep my cool, but managed to do so and redirected the argument from a flurry of self defensive comments into trying to find a way to constructively talk about our feelings. What followed was a rather pleasant conversation about her needs versus my needs and additional ways to continue working together to resolve differences in ways that we both might enjoy.

What I get now is that I have a history of getting upset, complaining, and being impatient about sex that proceeds me. Years ago, I might initiate and she would reject me, then I would complain to her that she should not judge me for the fact I would just go watch porn instead. She might offer me a HJ in the past, but I would reject that and insist she was not even trying to get herself in the mood. Today things have gotten much better and I have demonstrated that I can be much more patient with her. She accepts that I may take matters into my own hands if an opportunity is not available, but she still feels as though I would get upset now that I am very reserved to only initiate every so often. She knows now that when I initiate that I mean business, and unless there are extraordinary circumstances she is making a legitimate effort to become much more receptive (with positive results).
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post #75 of 108 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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So, as long as you go along with the box she has you in all is well
No we are both making an effort. She has changed her attitude towards many issues we used to have and we are much more understanding of one another. Instead of something causing anxiety, we are now playful about certain topics. That has caused the quality of life in our marriage to be a lot more "fun" than it used to be.

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