Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation
...an update to this thread.
My wife's recent ramped up libido was in response to me giving her some extra TLC during her recovery from a surgery. Things are indeed improving still, but many of her negative behaviors and attitudes towards sexual intimacy have gradually been creeping back into place.
Since the first time I started this thread, we had are first big argument about sex today, and she said some things that really hurt my feelings. I struggled to keep my cool, but managed to do so and redirected the argument from a flurry of self defensive comments into trying to find a way to constructively talk about our feelings. What followed was a rather pleasant conversation about her needs versus my needs and additional ways to continue working together to resolve differences in ways that we both might enjoy.
What I get now is that I have a history of getting upset, complaining, and being impatient about sex that proceeds me. Years ago, I might initiate and she would reject me, then I would complain to her that she should not judge me for the fact I would just go watch porn instead. She might offer me a HJ in the past, but I would reject that and insist she was not even trying to get herself in the mood. Today things have gotten much better and I have demonstrated that I can be much more patient with her. She accepts that I may take matters into my own hands if an opportunity is not available, but she still feels as though I would get upset now that I am very reserved to only initiate every so often. She knows now that when I initiate that I mean business, and unless there are extraordinary circumstances she is making a legitimate effort to become much more receptive (with positive results).
She claims that 99% of her problem is still having a fear that I would get upset, but that she can tell I am making an effort. She also admitted that she struggles to understand my sexual drive with regards to how to balance things in a way that we BOTH get to enjoy each other the most. So for the first time she mentioned the idea of quickies. She said she would be very open to trying this, but warned that she feared that I would abuse that by asking for too many and that it is very important for her to feel emotionally connected to me the majority of the times we are together. She also claimed that she feared that I would not be able to do a quickie and called me a "sexual sloth" in that she knows I enjoy taking my time before and after (as does she), but that in order for a quickie to work that it should not interfere with our schedules. So we had a fun and playful conversation on this topic.
My main reason for this update was my excitement of experiencing the two of us getting into a very heated and hurtful argument over sex and then actually managing to turn it around into a positive conversation on the topic. We finished the argument in a rather playful way that put me on cloud 9. Way better than our previous arguments. I think the biggest difference was that I had to let go and stop being defensive when the argument started and just ask, "how can we continue helping each other, and you know I am trying and I definitely see you trying." Making that transition was not easy right after hearing her say some things that kind of hurt, but I managed to stay calm and turn it around.