When I first started visiting here, it was to look for answers regarding mismatched drives. I wanted sex way more than my wife wanted it, and it created a serious problem. So after many years here are some of the things and realizations that have helped me:
There is likely no such thing as LD! It was just that I wanted my wife's sexuality to respond in the same way and same times that mine does. Her's works differently, and I simply was not listening to her. She responds to completely different things that I might respond to, and it has taken quiet a bit of time to recognize and nurture these things which I will mention.
#1 Don't get angry at her when we do not have sex! There are many legitimate reasons I might get angry when we do not have sex, mostly revolving around her nonchalant or even sometimes vindictive ways of rejecting me. We had a big argument one night recently where she said she was too tired, and I went to watch TV only to find her unable to sleep and up reading. Had she gone to sleep, no big deal, but why would she reject me because she was sleepy, become unable to sleep, and just leave me alone knowing I wanted to be with her? Instead of allowing that anger to brew, I just went and calmly talked to her about it as a way to let go of my anger and tell her that these are the moments I struggle with the most but that I was going to let go and not get angry. By doing this, it finally started to send a message to her that I care MORE about us as a couple than just moments to have sex. Of course this is how I always feel, but when I get angry about sex my wife was getting the message that I ONLY care about sex. Now that I am not getting angry with her anymore, or making it a point to go to her and let go of it, this has been the #1 thing that has made a dramatic difference in her ability to feel receptive.
#2 Give her a break after we have had sex! I'm always a playful guy and like to play grab-ass around the house. But my wife struggles with the idea of feeling like she would never be enough for me. The truth is if we had sex everyday it would likely not be as great and probably feel a little forced. While I know she needs a break, more than that she needed to feel me back off and observe me satisfied. So instead of telling her how much I want her again right after sex, I focus more on letting her know how much she satisfies me! The period of time we have chosen is three days. After sex, I will not initiate again for three days. Guess what? This has given her enough room to begin initiating before the three days has happened.
#3 Don't ask for sex during her period! Her period does not bother me, but she can not help but to just feel uncomfortable. She also feels this is a time that would help her to also not have any anxiety over knowing that I was going to want to have sex with her, which was causing her a lot of resentment towards me. So this time of the month has now been declared off limits for sex. She can now be free of any anxiety towards me.
#4 For the love of god, just let sex be natural! I am perhaps guilty of wanting to spice things up too much with toys, lubes or whatever. Meanwhile my wife had longed to just feel how her body responds under very natural love making scenarios. She enjoys the little extra friction that forgoing lube provides for her (I was arbitrarily applying lube and taking this enjoyment away for her). I would also grab a vibrator at the first sign she was having trouble instead of working to connect better with her. In reality I have come to understand that novelties were my response to being inadequate for her. The impact was that it was making her feel inadequate for me. So we have stopped using toys or lubes and just let things be natural. She really enjoys me working harder and paying more attention to her.
#5 If I really need her and she is not in the mood, then just enjoy it! She enjoys pleasing me, but at the same time if she is not in the mood she does not want me to get disappointed because she will not be able to get there with me. This can be a difficult thing to do for me because I get the most enjoyment of feeling her aroused, but at the same time I should not reject her simple desire to please me when I am extremely aroused.
#6 If I am not going to be able to get in the mood, but she is, then she should just enjoy it! My wife has been learning to do the same and feel more entitled to it. Moments like this also help me understand how extremely enjoyable it is to please your partner even though you are not feeling it yourself for whatever reason (too much food, stress, or whatever). Instead of trying to force myself to climax, I simply let her know up front that it may not happen for me and I tell her she can have whatever she wants and that I will enjoy giving it to her. If it is not going to happen and I try to force myself, then this makes her feel extremely disconnected from me and is emotionally painful for her to experience. So it is better for me to be honest up front, be myself, and allow her to really enjoy herself!
Those are the six things that I have discovered that make a dramatic difference for my wife to be able to enjoy intimacy in our marriage. It took me a very long time to recognize these things and understand the dynamics associated with them.
Very informative, thx.
This is what I've learned for my marriage, also a LD / HD mismatch.
Being LD is true. Just like being HD is true. LD don't desire sex for infinite reasons. HD love sex and want that connection often.
If you never get upset from the lack of sex, the LD will not see the lack of sex as a serious issue. The pressure is off and guess what? Sex still doesn't increase......
This is 2017 and there is no excuse and reason to be clueless why someone wants sex. We all finished high school and college, right?
Going to sleep at night really in the mood and the LD spouse does nothing isn't a caring and loving spouse. That's cruel and torturous and not what marriage is about.
When married, you are to take care of each others needs and not yourself as much anymore, or remain single.
Agreed, initiating and pressuring a LD spouse for sex is bad, but its a double edged sword. No more initiating and what might seem as pressure, means they are relived, great, I don't have to worry about having sex anymore. This is not a good thing because the sex will not increase, in fact, it may decrease or almost stop altogether.
If LD's don't see rejecting their spouse for intimacy as an issue, then reject them on their level, what they need and see how they feel.
Agreed, initiating sex during her period is not a great idea.
If I stopped relieving myself, toys and occasional porn viewing, my LD wife would not get a sex drive increase. Sure, its more natural but no sex increase is still no sex increase. The LD spouse is happy but the HD spouse suffers even more.
(01) LD will never change for their HD spouse
(02) HD will do all the research, always compromising......
(03) HD will have their sex life killed off
(04) HD will go to toys, porn, EA, PA
(05) LD will be angry and blame the HD for everything
Solution, never initiate sex with a LD spouse because wanting intimacy with them often is bad and all HD's want is sex sex sex, when they're not having sex much to begin with.
Buy yourself sexual toys, get it out of your system and then you never pester the LD for sex. This actually works great but that connection, intimacy and bond that comes from physicality and sex will never be there. Great friends, not lovers.
Sure, you can get along fine, talk, do things together, but as friends, not lovers, like hubby and wife.
Doing more chores will not increase intimacy.
Giving more space will not increase intimacy.
Taking the 5 love languages quiz helps. But this only works if both the LD and HD spouse apply what they've learned about each others main needs.