What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #91 of 108 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 01:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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My wife is not exactly going to desire me to crank up more physical intimacy if she is upset about something and needs help to cool down first. Which is 99% of her day.
PS: She is usually stressed out from dealing with me mostly and all my super needy temper tantrums completely unrelated to intimacy. I mean seriously, no one wants to deal with me when the cats destroyed my shoelaces and I'm out of Mountain Dew!
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post #92 of 108 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 03:24 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Do you give her enough space?

That said did you ever tell her you want to use her for sex etc?
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post #93 of 108 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 03:48 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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PS: She is usually stressed out from dealing with me mostly and all my super needy temper tantrums completely unrelated to intimacy. I mean seriously, no one wants to deal with me when the cats destroyed my shoelaces and I'm out of Mountain Dew!
At least you are honest about it!

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #94 of 108 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 03:57 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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I just want to say, this seems like a whole lot of work in order to have a partner who wants to have sex with you. It seems to put the burden on the male to engineer the female's whole mood, mind, etc. I want to go on record and say that not all females and relationships are like this.

If I had to engineer my man to get him to want to have sex with me, I'd rethink the relationship.
I certainly would not stay with a man like that, either. Must be strange to be with a man who is *not* nearly always in the mood.

But I do not think there is anything wrong with a man's taking responsibility for arousing the female. Seems completely normal to me, actually. And quite healthy.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #95 of 108 (permalink) Old 02-22-2017, 07:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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I certainly would not stay with a man like that, either. Must be strange to be with a man who is *not* nearly always in the mood.

But I do not think there is anything wrong with a man's taking responsibility for arousing the female. Seems completely normal to me, actually. And quite healthy.
I agree with you, but also remain gender neutral on this topic. I think in many relationships that one person in particular takes on the role of leading intimacy in the relationship.

There are perhaps some very confident and outgoing women that may find themselves attracted to an introverted and shy man. In the event she is experienced and knows what she wants, this husband then perhaps becomes her blank canvas for her to sculpt a marital masterpiece of what she wants/needs intimately. But in this case, the man will likely always look towards his wife to take the lead.

Also in other cases that may include some form of trauma, the man's instincts to protect his partner may cause him to become sexually reserved. In this situation it will become the woman's duty to take the lead and demonstrate what she feels comfortable consenting to intimately.

I'll admit in my marriage that my wife experienced some medical issues that made intercourse painful for about the course of a year. During this time it was extremely problematic that I was the one taking the lead, and she lacked the confidence to know how to take the lead and guide things in a way for us to still enjoy being with one another.

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post #96 of 108 (permalink) Old 02-27-2017, 01:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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But I do not think there is anything wrong with a man's taking responsibility for arousing the female. Seems completely normal to me, actually. And quite healthy.
To followup on this my wife and I were talking the other day and for her it is 90% about me doing things to improve our marriage outside the bedroom. Once we are starting to enjoy intimacy in the bedroom, I can turn our lovemaking into an absolute awkward messy train wreck of me coming across super un-smooth with haphazard lovemaking ideas, and she is still happy with me because she knows I mean well.

But when things have been great outside the bedroom AND I manage to find a fun and creative idea that works great in the bedroom, my wife has been rather enthusiastic about wanting more of that here lately! Yes that requires a great deal of work in our marriage for me, but I'm honestly not that bothered by it. Perhaps I am just a "Mr Nice Guy," but instead being frustrated, I've found that persistence along with having an staying positive that all my covert contracts will eventually work, seems to be the winning combination. Or I don't know, perhaps being a successful nice guy requires some genuine creative talent along with being unreasonably confident! That I've got plenty of, but I'm just not sure some days if it is creative talent or overconfidence that wins! For sure my wife always seems interested in what ideas I'll come up with next, and I enjoy finding new ways to be creative!
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post #97 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-01-2017, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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#5 If I really need her and she is not in the mood, then just enjoy it! She enjoys pleasing me, but at the same time if she is not in the mood she does not want me to get disappointed because she will not be able to get there with me. This can be a difficult thing to do for me because I get the most enjoyment of feeling her aroused, but at the same time I should not reject her simple desire to please me when I am extremely aroused.

An update in regards to the above. Since my wife has been enthusiastic about the efforts I have put into improving intimacy in our marriage, something new happened recently as I found myself in a moment described above. My wife and I talk in detail about certain things I like, and I have explained to her why I might enjoy certain things that are a little different or may seem silly to most people. Well not only did I find myself in a situation where my wife wanted me to just enjoy myself, but she was very enthusiastic about making the moment all about me. She was very confident to not only allow me to do certain things I enjoy, but she even advocated my enjoyment by taking things a step further with some real creativity of her own!

I continue to be impressed with the progress we have made in our marriage.

Afterwards my wife even thanked me for not pushing her to enjoy herself, as she could tell it was one of those days where it was just not going to happen. But she admitted how wonderful it was for her to simply enjoy making me happy and having the confidence to enjoy knowing exactly what little things I like and why. In the past, I would have really struggled with this and would have likely rejected this opportunity and fussed at her for not even trying to "share" the moment together. I can see now that having had that past attitude was extremely destructive for any attempts to improve the quality of intimacy in my marriage.

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post #98 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Another update.

As with all things in life you make a few steps forwards and then you have something that sets you back again. "Rinse, wash, and repeat" as I think some TAM will say.

Up until now my wife has been strongly opposed to scheduling intimacy. She feels that it should be natural and spontaneous, but she however has never really appreciated all the work that goes into me accommodating her by being patient, trying to initiate and still finding that more often than not my chosen time to initiate does not jive very well with her plans for the day.

A few weeks ago I hinted at the idea of us taking a few moments to spend time together, and she became furious that I messed up her whole schedule. She stopped everything to spend time with me, but she was so upset it was as if she just wanted to passive aggressively punish me with an angry hug and venting about how challenging her schedule gets when I ask her for time. Needless to say her attitude of "come here I am going to give it to you, but I am too angry to give it to you, and we are not doing this anymore" was not exactly an emotional place of healing and love for me...

Fast forward through a few more blunders that took place in a similar fashion, and she finally acknowledged that she needed to just plan for some time for us. The thing is that we both know the frequency that actually makes us both happy and that is mutually enjoyable. However, finding the right moments for that to happen and trying to be spontaneous about it was causing both of us a great deal of stress and unneeded anxiety.

So we finally sat down and went through our weekly schedules and have agreed on set times for intimacy that also matches the best frequency that we have established as a couple. So far this has actually proven very positive for both of us. We may still enjoy moments of spontaneity but I am no longer responsible for making those moments happen in order to maintain our desired frequency.

My wife is excited because I told her that I can now devote all my time and energy that I normally used to create opportunities for sexual intimacy in our relationship towards creating more enjoyable nonsexual intimacy. Both of us seem excited about this. I've never really been able to focus on this as I should, because I had to always keep guessing as to when our next best time would be for sex and trying to create ample opportunities for it to hopefully happen naturally for her.

So this new turn seems to continue leading us in a good direction as it is allowing both of us to enjoy our marriage even more. I'm curious to see how it works and if she allows her project schedules to encroach on our time and starts trying to offer the proverbial rain checks that set us back again. She has already mentioned this concern and she wishes to reserve the right to reschedule our scheduled time, but I'll just wait and see how it goes for now.

As for now I'm expecting after a few weeks for this to turn into a wash, rinse and repeat scenario.

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post #99 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-11-2017, 12:58 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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When I first started visiting here, it was to look for answers regarding mismatched drives. I wanted sex way more than my wife wanted it, and it created a serious problem. So after many years here are some of the things and realizations that have helped me:

There is likely no such thing as LD! It was just that I wanted my wife's sexuality to respond in the same way and same times that mine does. Her's works differently, and I simply was not listening to her. She responds to completely different things that I might respond to, and it has taken quiet a bit of time to recognize and nurture these things which I will mention.

#1 Don't get angry at her when we do not have sex! There are many legitimate reasons I might get angry when we do not have sex, mostly revolving around her nonchalant or even sometimes vindictive ways of rejecting me. We had a big argument one night recently where she said she was too tired, and I went to watch TV only to find her unable to sleep and up reading. Had she gone to sleep, no big deal, but why would she reject me because she was sleepy, become unable to sleep, and just leave me alone knowing I wanted to be with her? Instead of allowing that anger to brew, I just went and calmly talked to her about it as a way to let go of my anger and tell her that these are the moments I struggle with the most but that I was going to let go and not get angry. By doing this, it finally started to send a message to her that I care MORE about us as a couple than just moments to have sex. Of course this is how I always feel, but when I get angry about sex my wife was getting the message that I ONLY care about sex. Now that I am not getting angry with her anymore, or making it a point to go to her and let go of it, this has been the #1 thing that has made a dramatic difference in her ability to feel receptive.

#2 Give her a break after we have had sex! I'm always a playful guy and like to play grab-ass around the house. But my wife struggles with the idea of feeling like she would never be enough for me. The truth is if we had sex everyday it would likely not be as great and probably feel a little forced. While I know she needs a break, more than that she needed to feel me back off and observe me satisfied. So instead of telling her how much I want her again right after sex, I focus more on letting her know how much she satisfies me! The period of time we have chosen is three days. After sex, I will not initiate again for three days. Guess what? This has given her enough room to begin initiating before the three days has happened.

#3 Don't ask for sex during her period! Her period does not bother me, but she can not help but to just feel uncomfortable. She also feels this is a time that would help her to also not have any anxiety over knowing that I was going to want to have sex with her, which was causing her a lot of resentment towards me. So this time of the month has now been declared off limits for sex. She can now be free of any anxiety towards me.

#4 For the love of god, just let sex be natural! I am perhaps guilty of wanting to spice things up too much with toys, lubes or whatever. Meanwhile my wife had longed to just feel how her body responds under very natural love making scenarios. She enjoys the little extra friction that forgoing lube provides for her (I was arbitrarily applying lube and taking this enjoyment away for her). I would also grab a vibrator at the first sign she was having trouble instead of working to connect better with her. In reality I have come to understand that novelties were my response to being inadequate for her. The impact was that it was making her feel inadequate for me. So we have stopped using toys or lubes and just let things be natural. She really enjoys me working harder and paying more attention to her.

#5 If I really need her and she is not in the mood, then just enjoy it! She enjoys pleasing me, but at the same time if she is not in the mood she does not want me to get disappointed because she will not be able to get there with me. This can be a difficult thing to do for me because I get the most enjoyment of feeling her aroused, but at the same time I should not reject her simple desire to please me when I am extremely aroused.

#6 If I am not going to be able to get in the mood, but she is, then she should just enjoy it! My wife has been learning to do the same and feel more entitled to it. Moments like this also help me understand how extremely enjoyable it is to please your partner even though you are not feeling it yourself for whatever reason (too much food, stress, or whatever). Instead of trying to force myself to climax, I simply let her know up front that it may not happen for me and I tell her she can have whatever she wants and that I will enjoy giving it to her. If it is not going to happen and I try to force myself, then this makes her feel extremely disconnected from me and is emotionally painful for her to experience. So it is better for me to be honest up front, be myself, and allow her to really enjoy herself!

Those are the six things that I have discovered that make a dramatic difference for my wife to be able to enjoy intimacy in our marriage. It took me a very long time to recognize these things and understand the dynamics associated with them.

Sincerely,
Badsanta


Very informative, thx.


This is what I've learned for my marriage, also a LD / HD mismatch.

Being LD is true. Just like being HD is true. LD don't desire sex for infinite reasons. HD love sex and want that connection often.

If you never get upset from the lack of sex, the LD will not see the lack of sex as a serious issue. The pressure is off and guess what? Sex still doesn't increase......

This is 2017 and there is no excuse and reason to be clueless why someone wants sex. We all finished high school and college, right?

Going to sleep at night really in the mood and the LD spouse does nothing isn't a caring and loving spouse. That's cruel and torturous and not what marriage is about.

When married, you are to take care of each others needs and not yourself as much anymore, or remain single.

Agreed, initiating and pressuring a LD spouse for sex is bad, but its a double edged sword. No more initiating and what might seem as pressure, means they are relived, great, I don't have to worry about having sex anymore. This is not a good thing because the sex will not increase, in fact, it may decrease or almost stop altogether.

If LD's don't see rejecting their spouse for intimacy as an issue, then reject them on their level, what they need and see how they feel.

Agreed, initiating sex during her period is not a great idea.

If I stopped relieving myself, toys and occasional porn viewing, my LD wife would not get a sex drive increase. Sure, its more natural but no sex increase is still no sex increase. The LD spouse is happy but the HD spouse suffers even more.


(01) LD will never change for their HD spouse
(02) HD will do all the research, always compromising......
(03) HD will have their sex life killed off
(04) HD will go to toys, porn, EA, PA
(05) LD will be angry and blame the HD for everything


Solution, never initiate sex with a LD spouse because wanting intimacy with them often is bad and all HD's want is sex sex sex, when they're not having sex much to begin with.

Buy yourself sexual toys, get it out of your system and then you never pester the LD for sex. This actually works great but that connection, intimacy and bond that comes from physicality and sex will never be there. Great friends, not lovers.

Sure, you can get along fine, talk, do things together, but as friends, not lovers, like hubby and wife.

Doing more chores will not increase intimacy.

Giving more space will not increase intimacy.

Taking the 5 love languages quiz helps. But this only works if both the LD and HD spouse apply what they've learned about each others main needs.

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Last edited by CuddleBug; 03-11-2017 at 01:11 AM.
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post #100 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-12-2017, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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(01) LD will never change for their HD spouse
(02) HD will do all the research, always compromising......
(03) HD will have their sex life killed off
(04) HD will go to toys, porn, EA, PA
(05) LD will be angry and blame the HD for everything


Solution, never initiate sex with a LD spouse because wanting intimacy with them often is bad and all HD's want is sex sex sex, when they're not having sex much to begin with.

Buy yourself sexual toys, get it out of your system and then you never pester the LD for sex. This actually works great but that connection, intimacy and bond that comes from physicality and sex will never be there. Great friends, not lovers.

Sure, you can get along fine, talk, do things together, but as friends, not lovers, like hubby and wife.

Doing more chores will not increase intimacy.

Giving more space will not increase intimacy.

Thanks for sharing that... I am going through a bit of an awkward phase in my marriage right now. I do agree with you on one thing and that is that one partner (usually described on TAM as the HD) will do all the research and seek ways of compromise.

Over the past few years I have worked to increase my wife's confidence. If I have had one goal, it is that! Along with this confidence, I have clearly made it a point to educate her as to how and why I respond to her sexually so that there is no mystery in that for her. She knows my drive and desire for sex is something that she struggles to keep up with, but here is where we are now...

She has asked me to completely stop initiating in favor of scheduled moments. Once we reach a scheduled moment of the week, I know I can enjoy anticipating that we will have time set aside for one another. But my wife for whatever reason is now enjoying, "trying to break me down" with her newfound confidence and understanding of how I respond to her. She knows that no matter how much fun she has with this, that I have to keep my word and not expect anything until our agreed upon moment. She however is not bound to this and has the power to tell me whenever she wants it, knowing that she can easily make me succumb to her prowess and confidence if she is actually in the mood.

I guess my wife's form of sexual validation is about power in the relationship. A few years ago it was about her enjoying the power to say no. Today she is learning that is is way more fun for her to enjoy the power of me not being able to say no to her. To be honest, I find myself freaking out a little as it is almost a role reversal. But the last few times together have been initiated on her terms for which she has "really enjoyed" being in control. Meanwhile I just have to hang on and try to keep up with her!

Will it last? I don't know. But all my usual efforts of trying to figure out how to manipulate her for more sex can now be diverted into making other aspects of our marriage more enjoyable and my continued work on her voracious new levels on confidence!

If I had to ask myself where my sexual validation comes from, I would have to say at the moment it comes from seeing my wife more confident in our marriage.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #101 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:54 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

HD / LD - My thoughts as of today. Subject to change.

First off, good for you Badsanta. More importantly, good on your wife. I think that's the xfactor that a lot of people here fail to realize. While you are "putting in all this work" the real answer is in the validation of the work, a partner who tries to please you but admits cannot keep up.

I do not necessarily think there is HD / LD. That being said, I am divorced, I have been with someone who just never seemed to think of it at times and it was like hell chasing one thing that I couldn't focus on anything else.

Hours upon hours of counseling later, book after book, theory after theory, I can clearly say that there is no such thing as HD vs LD it all comes down to willful partner, vs unwilling partner. Loving partner vs unloving partner. Marriage in of itself, is a compromise. You can find someone whose path is clearly in sync with yours and you will inevitably find yourself compromising something to stay in that relationship. Now bare with me, there is clearly a difference between sex drives in almost all cases. So there kinda is a HD / LD, but the characteristic of how it is dealt with, is primarily from a place of needs. Did you marry someone who will work on meeting your needs?

Now in before the "I haven't had sex in months" group. Been there, done that, marriage is dissolved and I have moved on. This forum is incredibly addicting, and on top of that, is bound to bring out the people with really sincere, extreme and special circumstances. In many ways, that's why it brought me here. Most people though, put in the work badsanta is talking about, and realize that marriage is commitment and work, and even better have an understanding spouse who gets it too.

As far as sex goes for the next potential Misses? Well I have broken up with women who clearly have stated they can't and won't keep up. I have broken up with females where it isn't "easy". I am currently with one that admits she doesn't want it as much as me, but understands I have needs. To counseling we go. It's what heavy lifting looks like. Will it work? No guarantees. If she believes she can't keep up short term, well there are more women then men in the world.

Right now we are experimenting with love languages and "scheduling" intimacy. Plenty of pro's for scheduling that Badsanta has already shared. & no, it's not a compromise, because I am going to get it when I go for it lol. As far as compromise goes, well it's mutual concession. Not just a HD sacrifice but a LD sacrifice. Hard to see that when you are 6 months no sex. So I get it. Unless there is a reason why you are in it that validates you to the point where you only want to post to vent once in a while. Divorce him / her.

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post #102 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Sadly that seems pretty accurate.

It really boils down to "sex is not important to the LD". Since its not important to them and they refuse to believe it is important to the HD, they will not go to any significant effort to make things better.

There is not way to win for the HD. Say nothing and the LD will think you are happy. Make gentle comments and they will agree that "we should spend more time in bed", but not actually do it because its not a priority. Complain, and you are just needy. The LD thinks that a desire for sex is itself a bad thing, and that the HD is weak / selfish for wanting it.

Cheat, Leave, Live like a monk / nun.

As Cudlebug indicated, if you stay you can get toys and build up a porn addiction so that you don't care anymore.




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Originally Posted by CuddleBug View Post
Very informative, thx.


This is what I've learned for my marriage, also a LD / HD mismatch.

Being LD is true. Just like being HD is true. LD don't desire sex for infinite reasons. HD love sex and want that connection often.

If you never get upset from the lack of sex, the LD will not see the lack of sex as a serious issue. The pressure is off and guess what? Sex still doesn't increase......

This is 2017 and there is no excuse and reason to be clueless why someone wants sex. We all finished high school and college, right?

Going to sleep at night really in the mood and the LD spouse does nothing isn't a caring and loving spouse. That's cruel and torturous and not what marriage is about.

When married, you are to take care of each others needs and not yourself as much anymore, or remain single.

Agreed, initiating and pressuring a LD spouse for sex is bad, but its a double edged sword. No more initiating and what might seem as pressure, means they are relived, great, I don't have to worry about having sex anymore. This is not a good thing because the sex will not increase, in fact, it may decrease or almost stop altogether.

If LD's don't see rejecting their spouse for intimacy as an issue, then reject them on their level, what they need and see how they feel.

Agreed, initiating sex during her period is not a great idea.

If I stopped relieving myself, toys and occasional porn viewing, my LD wife would not get a sex drive increase. Sure, its more natural but no sex increase is still no sex increase. The LD spouse is happy but the HD spouse suffers even more.


(01) LD will never change for their HD spouse
(02) HD will do all the research, always compromising......
(03) HD will have their sex life killed off
(04) HD will go to toys, porn, EA, PA
(05) LD will be angry and blame the HD for everything


Solution, never initiate sex with a LD spouse because wanting intimacy with them often is bad and all HD's want is sex sex sex, when they're not having sex much to begin with.

Buy yourself sexual toys, get it out of your system and then you never pester the LD for sex. This actually works great but that connection, intimacy and bond that comes from physicality and sex will never be there. Great friends, not lovers.

Sure, you can get along fine, talk, do things together, but as friends, not lovers, like hubby and wife.

Doing more chores will not increase intimacy.

Giving more space will not increase intimacy.

Taking the 5 love languages quiz helps. But this only works if both the LD and HD spouse apply what they've learned about each others main needs.
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post #103 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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It really boils down to "sex is not important to the LD". Since its not important to them and they refuse to believe it is important to the HD, they will not go to any significant effort to make things better.
Please remember that not every HD/LD situation results in little or no sex. There are couples where the LD does all the compromising and provides "sex on demand". Not infrequently, the LD shows up here on TAM complaining that, despite providing sex whenever the HD asked for it, the HD cheated on them or broke up with them because they weren't enthusiastic enough.

But you are correct that, once the HD/LD dynamic kicks in, if the LD refuses to provide much sex, the HD has no good choices except to leave and find someone more compatible. Hopefully before there are kids involved. If the LD kicked in when the kids arrived, then as you say the HD has no good choice.

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post #104 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-13-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

True enough. I'm guilty, like many others, of thinking that my personal situation represents everyone's reality.

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Please remember that not every HD/LD situation results in little or no sex. There are couples where the LD does all the compromising and provides "sex on demand". Not infrequently, the LD shows up here on TAM complaining that, despite providing sex whenever the HD asked for it, the HD cheated on them or broke up with them because they weren't enthusiastic enough.

But you are correct that, once the HD/LD dynamic kicks in, if the LD refuses to provide much sex, the HD has no good choices except to leave and find someone more compatible. Hopefully before there are kids involved. If the LD kicked in when the kids arrived, then as you say the HD has no good choice.
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post #105 of 108 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 10:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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True enough. I'm guilty, like many others, of thinking that my personal situation represents everyone's reality.
I think we are ALL guilty of that!

What is interesting is that you stand to learn the most about someone (or yourself for that matter) when they are trying to help. As they will project their own perceptions of themselves onto you.

You can use this to also learn more about your own spouse. Ask her to help you with something emotionally. You will likely not gain much insight into your own emotions, but you will learn more about how her emotions work and how she likely perceives you with her same emotions within her reality.

What is even more interesting is to pay close attention to yourself as you try to help others, and you'll likely start to learn a few things about yourself that may not be that obvious to you.

So let us put this into practice... During arguments over intimacy, my wife has accused me of being arbitrarily aroused and just wanting to use her! If you step back from that, it likely means that she struggles to understand her own arousal and that her desire for sex likely feels rather arbitrary to her sometimes. This would seem to make a great deal of sense for a LD spouse that may not be very in touch with her own sexuality enough to know exactly what things are arousing for her and why. Also every time I discuss something I like a lot in our bedroom, she is often very inquisitive as to "why" I might enjoy something so much. I can always give her a very detailed answer. If I ask her the same question just after sex was super awesome for her, she will reply with, "I have no idea what you were just doing, but whatever it was, I have never felt something that good before." In other words she has no idea why she likes something which means afterwards the sexual enjoyment may feel somewhat arbitrary for her! Meanwhile I actually understand what was going on and can recreate it for her later to which she will say, "OMG I love how you just seem to know exactly what to do during a moment I think it is just not going to happen!"

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