What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

When I first started visiting here, it was to look for answers regarding mismatched drives. I wanted sex way more than my wife wanted it, and it created a serious problem. So after many years here are some of the things and realizations that have helped me:

There is likely no such thing as LD! It was just that I wanted my wife's sexuality to respond in the same way and same times that mine does. Her's works differently, and I simply was not listening to her. She responds to completely different things that I might respond to, and it has taken quiet a bit of time to recognize and nurture these things which I will mention.

#1 Don't get angry at her when we do not have sex! There are many legitimate reasons I might get angry when we do not have sex, mostly revolving around her nonchalant or even sometimes vindictive ways of rejecting me. We had a big argument one night recently where she said she was too tired, and I went to watch TV only to find her unable to sleep and up reading. Had she gone to sleep, no big deal, but why would she reject me because she was sleepy, become unable to sleep, and just leave me alone knowing I wanted to be with her? Instead of allowing that anger to brew, I just went and calmly talked to her about it as a way to let go of my anger and tell her that these are the moments I struggle with the most but that I was going to let go and not get angry. By doing this, it finally started to send a message to her that I care MORE about us as a couple than just moments to have sex. Of course this is how I always feel, but when I get angry about sex my wife was getting the message that I ONLY care about sex. Now that I am not getting angry with her anymore, or making it a point to go to her and let go of it, this has been the #1 thing that has made a dramatic difference in her ability to feel receptive.

#2 Give her a break after we have had sex! I'm always a playful guy and like to play grab-ass around the house. But my wife struggles with the idea of feeling like she would never be enough for me. The truth is if we had sex everyday it would likely not be as great and probably feel a little forced. While I know she needs a break, more than that she needed to feel me back off and observe me satisfied. So instead of telling her how much I want her again right after sex, I focus more on letting her know how much she satisfies me! The period of time we have chosen is three days. After sex, I will not initiate again for three days. Guess what? This has given her enough room to begin initiating before the three days has happened.

#3 Don't ask for sex during her period! Her period does not bother me, but she can not help but to just feel uncomfortable. She also feels this is a time that would help her to also not have any anxiety over knowing that I was going to want to have sex with her, which was causing her a lot of resentment towards me. So this time of the month has now been declared off limits for sex. She can now be free of any anxiety towards me.

#4 For the love of god, just let sex be natural! I am perhaps guilty of wanting to spice things up too much with toys, lubes or whatever. Meanwhile my wife had longed to just feel how her body responds under very natural love making scenarios. She enjoys the little extra friction that forgoing lube provides for her (I was arbitrarily applying lube and taking this enjoyment away for her). I would also grab a vibrator at the first sign she was having trouble instead of working to connect better with her. In reality I have come to understand that novelties were my response to being inadequate for her. The impact was that it was making her feel inadequate for me. So we have stopped using toys or lubes and just let things be natural. She really enjoys me working harder and paying more attention to her.

#5 If I really need her and she is not in the mood, then just enjoy it! She enjoys pleasing me, but at the same time if she is not in the mood she does not want me to get disappointed because she will not be able to get there with me. This can be a difficult thing to do for me because I get the most enjoyment of feeling her aroused, but at the same time I should not reject her simple desire to please me when I am extremely aroused.

#6 If I am not going to be able to get in the mood, but she is, then she should just enjoy it! My wife has been learning to do the same and feel more entitled to it. Moments like this also help me understand how extremely enjoyable it is to please your partner even though you are not feeling it yourself for whatever reason (too much food, stress, or whatever). Instead of trying to force myself to climax, I simply let her know up front that it may not happen for me and I tell her she can have whatever she wants and that I will enjoy giving it to her. If it is not going to happen and I try to force myself, then this makes her feel extremely disconnected from me and is emotionally painful for her to experience. So it is better for me to be honest up front, be myself, and allow her to really enjoy herself!

Those are the six things that I have discovered that make a dramatic difference for my wife to be able to enjoy intimacy in our marriage. It took me a very long time to recognize these things and understand the dynamics associated with them.

Sincerely,
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post #2 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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#6 If I am not going to be able to get in the mood, but she is, then she should just enjoy it! My wife has been learning to do the same and feel more entitled to it. Moments like this also help me understand how extremely enjoyable it is to please your partner even though you are not feeling it yourself for whatever reason (too much food, stress, or whatever). Instead of trying to force myself to climax, I simply let her know up front that it may not happen for me and I tell her she can have whatever she wants and that I will enjoy giving it to her. If it is not going to happen and I try to force myself, then this makes her feel extremely disconnected from me and is emotionally painful for her to experience. So it is better for me to be honest up front, be myself, and allow her to really enjoy herself!
This has been a huge turning point for us too! Getting pleasure from one sided sexual encounters is very liberating. It is not necessarily a sexual pleasure but still intimately satisfying seeing your partner climax and have fun. This has meant that we have far more opportunities to bond and be close rather than just waiting for us both to be in the mood.

I think changing our habits and attitudes are very difficult though and it takes time. We are often socialised to think that sex should look and be a certain way and become threatened if someone attempts to change the 'rules'. I think your wife is doing really well if she is embracing change and you are a good husband by looking at your situation from a different point of view.
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post #3 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

I can understand your wife's feelings on #3!


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post #4 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

BadSanta: As usual, very insightful advice. I can easily see your suggestions helping a couple to become more comfortable with their ongoing interactions. As you say, if the HD can remove the pressure on the LD, that makes the system function much better for both of them.

Must say I am surprised that having given up sex entirely gets me a 100% score on items 1 - 3. Of course, it makes 4 - 6 entirely unreachable but likely we were never going to get there anyway. She doesn't enjoy anything about sex with me which makes 4 and 6 impossible, and I am guessing that achieving 5 requires that some of the sessions not be one sided so that was always going to be unavailable as well. So at least we have gotten halfway up the list from where we were.

Or to put it differently, if a couple is not going to be able to overcome their feelings of inadequacy by getting to a place where they both feel able to satisfy their partner, then they might as well concede their inadequacy and chuck the whole thing. Much easier to minimize the pain of inadequacy regarding something you don't do at all then to constantly be reminded of one's inadequacy by trying and failing to satisfy one's partner.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #5 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 11:49 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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It took me a very long time to recognize these things and understand the dynamics associated with them.
Good for you. How long did it take?

After menopause zapped her drive, previously matching mine, it took us about 2.5 years to get our mojo back.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #6 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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I can understand your wife's feelings on #3!


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I am probably guilty of asking for too much sex. Her time of the month is a time she just feels uncomfortable with herself. Sex is not impossible, just more difficult for her.

Aside from that, I think it is healthy to take a break from the possibility of sex for a week once a month. This helps us focus on other things.

Personally her period does not bother me one bit, but for her this come across as if I am likely not acknowledging her level of discomfort (cramps and all that other stuff).

So #3 is about giving her some space for her to not have to feel anxious. An example might be that she knows I am in the mood, but she fears I will get disappointed for her to tell me no. She told me she once worried about that the whole time she was grocery shopping one day, that she really needed to come home, lay down, and for me to NOT pressure her for sex.

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post #7 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Good for you. How long did it take?

After menopause zapped her drive, previously matching mine, it took us about 2.5 years to get our mojo back.
I would not say we officially have our mojo back from when we were young, but I have successfully addressed many of the issues that were causing anxiety.

It is still a work in progress.


In all honesty, it almost feels like we are starting all over again and learning each other for the first time. Up until now I have never listened enough to start acknowledging things that she likes. So it is as if I now find myself with a list of things she says she likes, and I am still learning how to really put them into effect for her.

But in all honesty I would say I have now put a great deal of focus into resolving volatility in our intimacy for about five years.

It also helps that the kids are becoming much more independent in the house. And there are other issues in life that seem to becoming resolved as well.

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post #8 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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BadSanta: As usual, very insightful advice. I can easily see your suggestions helping a couple to become more comfortable with their ongoing interactions. As you say, if the HD can remove the pressure on the LD, that makes the system function much better for both of them.
It is NOT really about HD/LD. It is about acknowledging some poor behaviors on my behalf that were drastically taking away from my wife being able to enjoy that area of our marriage.

@Holdingontoit I see some very bad behaviors on your behalf because you have admitted to having anger and resentment towards you wife for her not doing anything about resolving er issues. In my opinion you have to acknowledge those to her AND try to let go of those feelings. I could be wrong.

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post #9 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

I can't agree with you more BadSanta. As always, another very well written post.

A couple of things I'll add based on my experience.

#2. Spot on. "focus more on letting her know how much she satisfies me!" Let her observe you as very happy, very satisfied, and very appreciative. Let go of the pursuit for a bit. Every 3-4 seems to be her most comfortable frequency. (It can go 2-5 days, as sometime it'll be a Fri and Sun, next maybe a Thurs and Sun.) Really twice a week.
I could even go longer, but I find our sex life is better and more natural if we keep up a routine of no less than every 5 days (periods excluded.) Past that the sex seems to be more work for the both of us.
Not long ago I pushed it. I tried every two days for 8 days in a row. On the 4th time (8th day) she broke. "Every other day, and I though you'd be happy with that and I'd have a break tonight, but you want it again."
Don't push it. Find her happy frequency.
I find that if I give her 3-5 days, she's looking forward to it again. She's not horny, has no desire, but remembers how enjoyable and satisfying it was last time and is looking forward to that experience. Too soon is too soon.

#3. Yes. She feels icky during the period. Nothing is going to turn her on. It's totally obligatory sex at that point. The frustration is that period seem to last a full 7 days form start to finish and sometimes we don't have sex for up to 4 days before. I try to track her periods now and try to have sex as close to before the cramps start as possible. Oral is really rare during her period and I don't ask. Rarely she'll offer and it all depends why.

Other things that worked for me:
A. Are you HD and think you need it daily? Give up the porn and masturbation. You're probably addicted. Don't know what that means? Look it up.
I used to think that supplementing with this between sex would "tide me over." It does not. It actually makes everything worse. Give up both and you'll find your sexual desire will start to normalize or match your 3-4 day frequency quite nicely. Also, your orgasms and sexual satisfaction will improve. You'll go HD to normal D. You won't obsess about sex anymore. It becomes something you just do with your wife every few days. Also focus all of that effort from porn and masturbation into your relationship with your wife. Your relationship will improve and so will your sex life.

B. A nice talk. Find a time to have a positive discussion (don't do this when you're fighting.) Start with letting her know that you're not trying to fight with her, just want to talk about your relationship. Bring up sex and how to improve your sex life. Ask her questions and listen to her. She may make excuses. Respond to those excuses with questions on how to overcome them.
What you want to do is ask her how often she'd like to have sex. Ask her what makes her want to have sex with you. Really get her to come up with solutions that improve your sex life. Ask her to tell you how to get to sex twice a week (don't expect more.) I learned a few things and applied them and it worked.
This process also let her know my intentions to have more regular sex to which she started responding to.
Some couples just schedule date. Every Wed and Sunday, for example. Mine wife was strongly against that.

C. No schedule, but setting "Sex dates" works. Long story short, spontaneously trying to get her turned on and having sex became difficult. It's not on her mind and when I try to start she seems surprised because sex isn't on her mind and she has other plans for the evening.
In the morning or earlier in the day I'll either say to her that I'd like to give her a massage, or have a drink with her later on. Both are well known as invitations to have sex later on. She responds positively and seemingly enthusiastically about it. The rest of the day she has sex planned for later on, so that evening she's ready and in the mood. By the time I have the kid to bed, she might be wearing something sexy or already drinking beer/wine/margarita.

D. I asked my wife once what turns her on. She said "Just being happy." So if she's unhappy, she's not up for sex. When she's in a great mood, I flirt with her and it works out. I can't control when good and bad days will so I don't rely on this, but it's a good tip.

E. Alcohol. As long as I've known her she's much more relaxed and enjoys sex more after at least 1 drink. She's otherwise very cerebral and sometimes a bit uptight. The exception is a long massage and even she prefers a drink. That's just her.
The challenge is that when she's training to run a marathon, she'll get up early and go running almost daily. It's hard to get her to drink the night before and she's often really tired. So that's where massages come in instead of alcohol.

F. Get a hot tub. We got one for free and had it a while. We had sex a lot because we were always in it, having a drink. It's intimate.

Together for 20 years with a good sex life (1-3 times a week) about 3 years ago her libido dropped to almost 0. If I was lucky she'd be in the mood during ovulation, otherwise she could probably go months without ever mentioning sex. This became problematic for me. I took it as rejection, lack of being wanted, questioned how she felt about me, the whole 9 yards. She never said no for me, but I found it difficult to have sex with her more than twice a month. Even then it sometimes felt awkward.

A year ago we had those conversations I mentioned. Really trying to understand each other helped a lot.
The real key was getting her to tell me what worked best for her. She dodged the questions with a lot of "I don't know" but when I held her to it, I got her to come up with something that worked for her, then did my best to work with that information.
She also knows that I want it a couple of times a week, so no matter what she's desiring, she expects me to want it and is ready for it. Either way I know she really enjoys it, so It's never "duty" sex.

With a very very low - D wife, we have a very happy sex life of about twice a week.
Sex is also better. I think having it regularly really helps. Usually after sex and multiple intense orgasm she goes on and on about how much she needed that and how she wants to do it again soon. Of course the next day she seems to forget about the "soon" part because the libido isn't there. A few days later I remind her and she looks forward to it.

So we found our thing. I hope some of my tips help.

Last edited by JamesTKirk; 06-27-2016 at 03:51 PM.
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post #10 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 04:15 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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I would not say we officially have our mojo back from when we were young, but I have successfully addressed many of the issues that were causing anxiety.

It is still a work in progress.
Mojo was a lazy choice of words. It took actually closer to 3 years to get to a point where getting into the bedroom wasn't stressful contentious work, we are back to just doing it. We were always very compatible before the estrogen left the building.

It took a while to figure out good intimacy didn't require PiV and 2 orgasms. While we said as much, it took time for the actions to follow the words.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #11 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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Mojo was a lazy choice of words. It took actually closer to 3 years to get to a point where getting into the bedroom wasn't stressful contentious work, we are back to just doing it. We were always very compatible before the estrogen left the building.

It took a while to figure out good intimacy didn't require PiV and 2 orgasms. While we said as much, it took time for the actions to follow the words.



Wow. Yes this is exactly my experience. Good for you.
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post #12 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 08:42 PM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

There's likely no such thing as LD.

The Easter Bunny vehemently disagrees with your assessment.

#1 - indifference trumps desire
#2 - plenty of break as per #1
#3 - menopause since 2012, easy one
#4 - none is natural too...
#5 - since she's never in the mood, #1
#6 - this has happened more as of late
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post #13 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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There's likely no such thing as LD.

The Easter Bunny vehemently disagrees with your assessment.

#1 - indifference trumps desire
#2 - plenty of break as per #1
#3 - menopause since 2012, easy one
#4 - none is natural too...
#5 - since she's never in the mood, #1
#6 - this has happened more as of late
...wait a minute #6 she is in the mood when you are not and she just enjoys herself? Yet you label her as LD!

OK @john117 can you explain, and avoid using the Easter Bunny and/or reptilian brain functions?
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post #14 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 07:04 AM
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

Translation of #6 to English: she makes a half a$$ effort to initiate once in 2-3 months while refusing to consider any other frequency or non sexual forms of intimacy.

Play along and you play right into her game.
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post #15 of 108 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation

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There's likely no such thing as LD.

The Easter Bunny vehemently disagrees with your assessment.

#1 - indifference trumps desire
#2 - plenty of break as per #1
#3 - menopause since 2012, easy one
#4 - none is natural too...
#5 - since she's never in the mood, #1
#6 - this has happened more as of late
Quote:
Originally Posted by john117 View Post
Translation of #6 to English: she makes a half a$$ effort to initiate once in 2-3 months while refusing to consider any other frequency or non sexual forms of intimacy.

Play along and you play right into her game.
OK, then we are back to #1.

#1 Differentiation trumps indifference!


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Differ...ion_(sociology)

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