Re: What has helped badsanta fix his LD/HD situation
I can't agree with you more BadSanta. As always, another very well written post.
A couple of things I'll add based on my experience.
#2. Spot on. "focus more on letting her know how much she satisfies me!" Let her observe you as very happy, very satisfied, and very appreciative. Let go of the pursuit for a bit. Every 3-4 seems to be her most comfortable frequency. (It can go 2-5 days, as sometime it'll be a Fri and Sun, next maybe a Thurs and Sun.) Really twice a week.
I could even go longer, but I find our sex life is better and more natural if we keep up a routine of no less than every 5 days (periods excluded.) Past that the sex seems to be more work for the both of us.
Not long ago I pushed it. I tried every two days for 8 days in a row. On the 4th time (8th day) she broke. "Every other day, and I though you'd be happy with that and I'd have a break tonight, but you want it again."
Don't push it. Find her happy frequency.
I find that if I give her 3-5 days, she's looking forward to it again. She's not horny, has no desire, but remembers how enjoyable and satisfying it was last time and is looking forward to that experience. Too soon is too soon.
#3. Yes. She feels icky during the period. Nothing is going to turn her on. It's totally obligatory sex at that point. The frustration is that period seem to last a full 7 days form start to finish and sometimes we don't have sex for up to 4 days before. I try to track her periods now and try to have sex as close to before the cramps start as possible. Oral is really rare during her period and I don't ask. Rarely she'll offer and it all depends why.
Other things that worked for me:
A. Are you HD and think you need it daily? Give up the porn and masturbation. You're probably addicted. Don't know what that means? Look it up.
I used to think that supplementing with this between sex would "tide me over." It does not. It actually makes everything worse. Give up both and you'll find your sexual desire will start to normalize or match your 3-4 day frequency quite nicely. Also, your orgasms and sexual satisfaction will improve. You'll go HD to normal D. You won't obsess about sex anymore. It becomes something you just do with your wife every few days. Also focus all of that effort from porn and masturbation into your relationship with your wife. Your relationship will improve and so will your sex life.
B. A nice talk. Find a time to have a positive discussion (don't do this when you're fighting.) Start with letting her know that you're not trying to fight with her, just want to talk about your relationship. Bring up sex and how to improve your sex life. Ask her questions and listen to her. She may make excuses. Respond to those excuses with questions on how to overcome them.
What you want to do is ask her how often she'd like to have sex. Ask her what makes her want to have sex with you. Really get her to come up with solutions that improve your sex life. Ask her to tell you how to get to sex twice a week (don't expect more.) I learned a few things and applied them and it worked.
This process also let her know my intentions to have more regular sex to which she started responding to.
Some couples just schedule date. Every Wed and Sunday, for example. Mine wife was strongly against that.
C. No schedule, but setting "Sex dates" works. Long story short, spontaneously trying to get her turned on and having sex became difficult. It's not on her mind and when I try to start she seems surprised because sex isn't on her mind and she has other plans for the evening.
In the morning or earlier in the day I'll either say to her that I'd like to give her a massage, or have a drink with her later on. Both are well known as invitations to have sex later on. She responds positively and seemingly enthusiastically about it. The rest of the day she has sex planned for later on, so that evening she's ready and in the mood. By the time I have the kid to bed, she might be wearing something sexy or already drinking beer/wine/margarita.
D. I asked my wife once what turns her on. She said "Just being happy." So if she's unhappy, she's not up for sex. When she's in a great mood, I flirt with her and it works out. I can't control when good and bad days will so I don't rely on this, but it's a good tip.
E. Alcohol. As long as I've known her she's much more relaxed and enjoys sex more after at least 1 drink. She's otherwise very cerebral and sometimes a bit uptight. The exception is a long massage and even she prefers a drink. That's just her.
The challenge is that when she's training to run a marathon, she'll get up early and go running almost daily. It's hard to get her to drink the night before and she's often really tired. So that's where massages come in instead of alcohol.
F. Get a hot tub. We got one for free and had it a while. We had sex a lot because we were always in it, having a drink. It's intimate.
Together for 20 years with a good sex life (1-3 times a week) about 3 years ago her libido dropped to almost 0. If I was lucky she'd be in the mood during ovulation, otherwise she could probably go months without ever mentioning sex. This became problematic for me. I took it as rejection, lack of being wanted, questioned how she felt about me, the whole 9 yards. She never said no for me, but I found it difficult to have sex with her more than twice a month. Even then it sometimes felt awkward.
A year ago we had those conversations I mentioned. Really trying to understand each other helped a lot.
The real key was getting her to tell me what worked best for her. She dodged the questions with a lot of "I don't know" but when I held her to it, I got her to come up with something that worked for her, then did my best to work with that information.
She also knows that I want it a couple of times a week, so no matter what she's desiring, she expects me to want it and is ready for it. Either way I know she really enjoys it, so It's never "duty" sex.
With a very very low - D wife, we have a very happy sex life of about twice a week.
Sex is also better. I think having it regularly really helps. Usually after sex and multiple intense orgasm she goes on and on about how much she needed that and how she wants to do it again soon. Of course the next day she seems to forget about the "soon" part because the libido isn't there. A few days later I remind her and she looks forward to it.
So we found our thing. I hope some of my tips help.
Last edited by JamesTKirk; 06-27-2016 at 03:51 PM.