toolate

A while back I had a girlfriend give me the book Hes Just Not That Into You bc she saw how my husband was with me. I have that in the back of my mind alot, especially when things seem to be going my husbands way (most of the time). I also have been thinking about a post from here a while back from one of the women posters... we teach others how to treat us. With this in mind, I awoke this morning with a connection of sorts seemingly limited to high drive women.

As a high drive woman, I liked sex and didnt necessarily wait a long time (at all) before having it with the given partner (in this case my husband). I also didnt like the "games" I saw other women played as the male friends I had were only irritated by them, so I didnt play them. I thought this was a better way to be than having a frustrated man in my life.

I think a man wants to be with a woman he sees as worthwhile and those things worth having dont get handed to you on a silver platter. So does that mean that men in early dating like the game, and venting about it it is like talking about the deer that was caught after hours of hunting and having to physically wrestle it to the ground as the best catch ever (compared to the easy shot that was done after a few mere minutes with one single shot, clean easy kill)? Where are the bragging rights in the easy catch? Is it that simple? Im only using the hunting analogy bc dating and mating is akin to the hunting instinct in men. Guys wouldnt you be more psyched about the beautiful woman you thought might be "out of your league" who made you work for it, than the easy lay? Correct me if Im wrong.

Back to waking up this morning... I gasped bc I realized that maybe the "games" are actually part of what makes the man want to pursue her more (to a point). A man pursues what he wants, and doesnt pusue what he doesnt want. Its that simple, and the "games" make the "prize" at the end that much better.

What is better guys... a woman who you get to sleep with on the second date and wants sex more than you in the long run, begging for it so that you hear her as a nagging sex fiend, or a woman you had to impress before letting you sleep with her, and allows you to make the moves and you still have to prove yourself as worthy in order to have that prize?

If Im worng on this, it wont be the first time or the last, its just my pitiful quest to understand why my husband values me so little....

on the only "positive" note, we are now having sex once every few weeks... woohoo When I wait for him, he is much more randy... but infrequent. I still get turned down when I initiate, so I dont and I resist now when he initiates, but he seems to like that. Being a high drive woman in this marriage sucks. Or is it being a high drive woman period that got me in this mess, like my inspiration from this morning suggests?

Please comment, thanks!

TallJeff

I don't think it's the games that make people motivated or interested -- some people just have higher libidos than others. Unfortunately you married a lower libido person.

Sonny

I would have to agree unless your looks have dramatically changed. Frustrating to even read these posts as I always think: "lucky fool!!" My wife would be content with once a week or once every other, but I can't operate that way and porn doesn't do anything for me by myself.

Confused_and_bitter

I have always wondered the same thing being a high drive woman myself. Before getting married the H would brag about how many partners he has had, he was my first and while dating we would have sex almost everyday but once we got married it dropped dramatically and continues till this day. If we have sex twice a week I am lucky. So it will be interesting to read what more people have to say about this.
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Sonny

Well mine never bragged about anything sexual, she's just too shy for that I knew before I signed on the line.

FirstYearDown

I have a very high libido and I was also rather wild when I was single.

From past experience and having three brothers, I know that men will have more respect for a woman that holds off on sex. For this reason, it is best not to share the number of partners you have had with men. We are w*ores and they are studs when they sleep around. It is so unfair, yet unfortunately very true.

Most people in my generation have sex within 3-4 dates. Before I was married, if I only wanted to have fun, it didn't matter when I had sex with a man. It was about meeting a physical need and nothing more. However, if I wanted to explore the possibility of a relationship, I refused sex for at least one or two months. My husband always says that most women slept with him faster than I did-I waited around 6 weeks!

Marriage has become a safer and more intimate way for me to explore my sexuality. I have done things with my husband that I never done with any other man, despite being a trollop in the past. Nothing compares to making love to my very best friend, my partner for life. I wish we could make love every day, but he has problems cumming if we don't leave a day in between.

Your husband married you, despite whatever time you chose to sleep with him. How have both of you dealt with this issue?

million$bby

Ok so I am new to this. I am having a similar problem. My husband has always been the kind of guy who wants it constantly. Now all of the sudden he isn't interested at all in fact cant even perform most of the time. I am at this point thinking he is having an affair. Let me be fair, I haven't really been that in to him over the years and have felt like I don't love him any more. I don't know what happened but all of the sudden I am very into him and want to be with him. I am actually in love with him for the first time in a very long time. Now he is acting totally different. I dont know what to do or think. Any advice would be great.

danjensv

Hi, first post. DW and I are in a similar position. She is raring to go all the time and I am not. We both love sex and its good when we have it. I'd guess we average three times a month, but that has a as much to do with having teenagers in the house than my sex drive.

I think part of it might be that DW wants it all the time. I can get it anything I want, so missing an opportunity tonight isn't the end of the world. It's human nature to take for granted what you have and want the things you cannot. I'd probably be more interested in sex if she played hard to get.

I don't think that's the problem though. In our case I can admit that I am lazy and she can admit that what she really is seeking is the intimacy, not necessarily the orgasm, and that she is guilty of waiting for me to initiate due to her dreading being rejected. We've found ways to work this out.

I try and be more affectionate in bed and out. She tries to initiate more often. We've found sexual outlets that let us get what we both want. For instance, she's learned that if she pleasures me with her hands, she can usually hop on and take ride. She denies me orgasms for up to a week or so, during which time I'm much more likely to want to play.

Different people have different sex drives and when they get married, they have to find a way to balance them out. We've found ways and discussed the baggage that may be causing the issue. It works for us and when we do have sex, its terrific.

Bad News

So are you Jennifer Connelly in this context?

Is the undervaluation simply manifested as not wanting as much sex or are there other issues as well?

IMO, it makes no difference if a woman waits or proceeds with physical intimacy through manipulation or sincerity, the sex is either good or it isn't.

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RandomDude

Tips for the ladies

For me, once a day is fine, but that's low drive in my wife's mentality. pfft...

magnoliagal

I'm a high drive wife who was married to a low drive husband. I've fixed the problem and I assure you it had nothing to do with games or how soon I slept with him before marriage. Our lack of sex was a symptom of a much much bigger problem.

Runs like Dog

Men are from Mars Women are from Just Shut the F^ck Up for a minute.

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larry.gray

I'm the high drive hubby and I'd say that's true.

I took wifey's virginity on our second date. She'd been in long relationships and done very little before that. She says that when she met me, she knew and didn't want to wait.

That history does squat to kill my drive, I WANT HER (and often).

Halien

Well, I thought that I was a pretty normal drive man until stumbling across this site. Boy was I wrong, when you consider some of the guys who are in relationships where their wife's sex drive dries up right after "I do"!! I just didn't really have to every day, but intimacy was definately an everyday thing. I am at about every other day for sex, except weekends, where we often fill in the gaps from the week. My wife is high drive.

Frankly, I choose neither of those options. To be with someone who was pretty confident, and relaxed about it is a utopian view. No stress or games. Just accepting. Willing to be aggressive when she wants to be, and hard to get in a flirty way. Now, I wouldn't like begging or constant asking, but sometimes I like to pursue from the moment I get home, other times she just gives me the look.

To be honest, so much of my wife's interest is wrapped up in a confusing mix of insecurity, even after 24 years. Its not just simple 'wanting'. If she'd just relax, smile or flirt, or sneak into the shower, we'd be like the first ten years or so, when we never had a TV and never missed it. In those years, I was always the alpha dominant. I don't know how many times we rented a beach house for the week, opened the windows, and barely saw the beach.

Oh, and she was pretty convinced that I wasn't the one when we first dated, and pretty religious, but said that she had a crush for a few years. Took months of pursuit to get to the sex stage. Not sure that my stubborn determination is a positive sometimes, in other areas.

If you want my opinion, the problem doesn't appear to be you.

Laurae1967

I think the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is relevent more for dating than your marriage.

A few things jump out at me. You equate his lack of sex drive with a lack of value for you. Not sure that goes together unless he is treating you poorly in general. Just because he doesn't want sex often does not automatically mean he doesn't value you.

I think a healthy marriage leads to a healthy sex life. I think when one or both partners suffer from insecurity, trust issues, depression, infidelity, or fear of intimacy, that gets in the way of a healthy sex life.

Your husband may feel like he can never please you with the amount of sex you want and so has given up. You may have made sex more of a chore and obligation than a pleasure through your complaints about the infrequency of sex. Your husband may also have issues going on (that I mentioned above) and he's using a lack of sex to keep distance in the relationship due to fear of intimacy.

I think game playing is a marriage killer. Shifting the dynamic in a relationship is not the same as game-playing, though. If you are overwhelming your husband with pressure and negativity about his lower sex drive, stopping that behavior can help the situation, possibly. If you are in general a critical person and have made your husband feel as though he can't do anything right, can't ever meet your needs, is just not good enough as a husband, that is a problem that needs to be fixed on your end. Again, learning more effective ways to relate to him (and him to relate to you) is not game-playing.

So those are my thoughts, for what they are worth. I think you are taking the lack of sex too personally (which is understandable) but most often it's not about your desireability but more what is going on in the marriage, with your husband, and how you are both relating to each other.