Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #121 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:14 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

I love to be dominated. No choking though!!! Love spankings, dirty talk and hair pulling. Restraints are fun, too. Haven't thought much about why I like it other than it feels great and is a huge turn on.

Maybe it's because in my every day world I'm outgoing and gregarious and I make lots of decisions at work and in my life in general, that in the bedroom I just want to let go? That said, I've never been a boss or in charge of people at work. I have a boss and i prefer to be told what to do. I never want to be charles in charge.

Interesting question.



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post #122 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:15 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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Originally Posted by Fozzy View Post
There's submission and then there's submission. It looks different for different people.

Submission for some might just be knowing that their partner has their back. Has everything under control. And being able to relax and let go because of that.

Doesn't have to be 9 1/2 weeks crawling across the floor stuff.
QFT.

The last several weeks I have been struggling with maintaining my commitments, which are admittedly much greater than most folks. It has been overwhelming to say the least.

This has completely screwed up the balance in my marriage emotionally. My wife wants to help, but then struggles because she sees me struggling, rather than being cool, calm, and in command. This causes her anxiety to spike.

Why am I laying all this out? Because there ain't no free lunch. True dominance starts outside the bedroom, and long before the flirty games that begin to lead you there. It takes selflessness, instinct, and effort. It is hard work.





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post #123 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:17 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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No need to rant, what was said, as is often the case around here, was TAM Talk myth.
Except that we have seen many examples.

Both your point, and the point you are counterning, are anecdotal, but that does not mean they are somehow not somewhat common.

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post #124 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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This might be semantics; but how could "flogging" not hurt someone? Are you "flogging" her with strands of cloth (so the flogging is symbolic only), or with strips of leather (ouch!!)

Spanking might just smart a little bit, not be painful.

Unless you're raising welts, or bruising her???

If your happily consenting wife doesn't mind having a sore backside from being spanked, or is okay with her skin being broken from flogging---then that's fine (inconceivable to someone like myself, but that's irrelevant).

I'm only asking out of pure mental curiosity because flogging = pain, to my understanding.

I totally understand if this is too nosy and you don't want to reply.
Being aroused allows you to absorb the pain in a different way, or being aroused prevents you from feeling the pain.

Example, I have spinal stenosis in my lumbar. Arching my back in yoga is something that has triggered pain and muscle cramps that can last for days and even weeks because once those nerves have been woken up it takes them a long time to settle back down again. Yet during sex I can arch my back a lot and during sex I feel no pain at all. Only sometimes do I feel a twinge afterward, and I've never felt the nerve pain and muscle cramps for days or weeks following. Considering I normally have sex several times a week and I normally arch my back a lot during sex I can only chalk it up to the brain not interpreting nerve signals normally during arousal. This doesn't explain why I'm not in pain afterward though so I still don't know how that works.

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post #125 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:30 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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Being aroused allows you to absorb the pain in a different way, or being aroused prevents you from feeling the pain.
This.

#AllAboutTheEndorphins

There's pain, and there's 'pain'. We (M'Lady and I) aren't at the level of impact play that others are, but from what I've read (and I read a lot!) the 'pain' in D/s is not what some associate with pain.


Until you've tried it, properly, it's difficult to explain, or know the difference though.

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post #126 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:37 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

I pretty much am in line with @SimplyAmorous posts. My W gets more out of feeling desired from me, and I think from her POV that is the "dominance" she enjoys. I have tied her hands to the headboard several times or just held her hands down, pulled her hair (not too hard), she has definitely enjoyed, but that is really the extent we have gone. I really have no interest to go further then that nor do I have any reason to believe she does either. If I ever had to use a gag ball on her, it would be just to get her to stop talking

I honestly am more concerned about BSOD or the dreaded RROD then I am BDSM
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post #127 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:43 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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If I ever had to use a gag ball on her, it would be just to get her to stop talking
You'd also be reducing your available points of ingress by 1/3rd.

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post #128 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:46 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

@Anon Pink

@DayOne


Thank-you for taking the time to explain.

I think this is something people must be "pre-wired" for; like being gay, or something similar.

It doesn't hurt (or, the hurt feels good), because you are aroused.

For me, just the idea that someone would be about to hurt me, prevents arousal; more like put me in "fight-or-flight" mode.

But the idea of an ANR seems wonderfully arousing and sexy. I've never been pregnant, never breastfed, amn't especially feminine by nature---but I totally get why people would want to do that. And I don't understand why others go "eww, that's so sick and perverted".

I guess the only important thing is that you end up with someone who is on the same wavelength with you.
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post #129 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:50 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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@Anon Pink

@DayOne


Thank-you for taking the time to explain.

I think this is something people must be "pre-wired" for; like being gay, or something similar.

It doesn't hurt (or, the hurt feels good), because you are aroused.

For me, just the idea that someone would be about to hurt me, prevents arousal; more like put me in "fight-or-flight" mode.

But the idea of an ANR seems wonderfully arousing and sexy. I've never been pregnant, never breastfed, amn't especially feminine by nature---but I totally get why people would want to do that. And I don't understand why others go "eww, that's so sick and perverted".

I guess the only important thing is that you end up with someone who is on the same wavelength with you.
Totally understood.
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post #130 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 08:58 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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Except that we have seen many examples.
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I beg to differ but this can be discussed elsewhere.

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post #131 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 09:23 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

for some, the pain aspect is akin to a runners high. akinaura falls under that category. she doesnt necessarily get turned on by the pain, but experiencing temporarily elevated levels of pain can dull the constant pain she feels from fibromyalgia. the body releases endorphins to fight the pain, and when she goes back to "status quo", she feels less pain than she did before the session. it works similarly for emotions, in the same way that exercising makes people feel better. in cases like my wifes, exercising to the point of a "runners high" becomes problematic. spankings are much easier and quicker, with much less long lasting pain as a result.

i am not that much different in that i will physically push myself until my body is in agony. for instance, running a marathon leaves me feeling a nice warm afterglow.

its a similar thing.

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post #132 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 09:32 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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I honestly am more concerned about BSOD



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post #133 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 09:35 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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This is my reaction whenever the BSOD comes on ...

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post #134 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 09:57 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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And it's crap, that alpha/beta stuff. Yet men soak it up. How Anon 1111arrived at his conclusions about women being more comfortable being dominated by some casual hook up is pure nonsense. But it touched on the casual sex theme that is a trigger for you. And I didn't want you to tuck this nonsense away as yet another reason why women don't treat men as they should.
but some women DO feel that way.. there are cases like this.. either their husband is not enough "this or that".. or they do not feel comfortable sharing their fantasies/ asking for what they REALLY want...

Maybe that is the real question.. why can't they open up about it..

I've never been afraid to go there.. or reach for what I wanted....even try to dictate it !@# ...he doesn't get mad... but yet ...he's still just NOT that sorta guy... I even bought this book yrs back... Just F**k Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom
We'd read it together.. It's been a little frustrating... but it's surely not a deal breaker for me.. we work with what we have.. I get the whip out. that's all..
At least we're able to laugh about it..

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You seem to think your husband is beta and because of the alpha/beta nonsense here at TAM you feel the need to defend your beta husband. But I suggest to you that according to the same principals of the alpha/beta crap, the fact that you have never lost attraction to your husband must mean that the man is much more alpha than perhap you give him credit. Because according to the alpha/beta crap, if your husband was as beta as you seem to think, you would have lost attraction and respect for him, because after all women have this lizard brain thing that subconsciously dictates their sexual response and arousal.
Betas are natural pleasers...actually if you want an orgasm, Betas are better at foreplay, they linger where SHE wants...some would say they make better lovers... Yes.. I don't like to see Beta's put down... this is true.. they have their pluses..but are rarely given any credit for.

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I have never attempted to put a stop to you posting your opinions and if anyone were to pester you in an attempt to intimidate or bully you into stop posting your thoughts and opinions, as they frequently do with JLD, I would be among the first to defend your right to post.
Nice to hear that you'll have my back Anon P .

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I simply didn't want you to use an opinion that was based on conjecture and bull sh!t as yet another example of women not treating men as they should.
I do think most women crave some dominance from the man though.. my husband is the breadwinner.. he carries the family.. this is his dominance.. it's really not in the bedroom.... just speaking it as it is.. I could tell some pretty funny stories trying to hog tie him into being more dominate...I believe it would take his being jacked up on testosterone to change him ..
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post #135 of 243 (permalink) Old 07-14-2016, 09:59 AM
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Re: Why do you dominate/ like to be dom'd?

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.

I don't really belong on this thread, thanks anyway Buddy!
I thought your viewpoint of someone who once wanted their husband to be more dominant in the bedroom but who eventually decided that she could live without it was important.
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