I love my husband, but not the sex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 05:50 PM Thread Starter
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I love my husband, but not the sex

I've been concerned and have been feeling incredibly bad lately about my lack of interest in sex. I'm 32 and have been married for just a year now. Generally, I think my husband and I have a good, solid marriage. We get along and can have a nice time together. He's very smart, responsible, clean, empathetic, good listener, loyal and the list could go on. I knew when we first started dating that our personalities were quite different - me being creative, spontaneous, messy, curious and him being anxious, neat, regimented, and scientific. We've had many a conversation during our dating years where we almost ended it all (and did once for several months).

What drew me to him was his ability to empathize, show concern, nurture, protect, reliability and that he understood my strange sense of humor. From the get-go, we didn't have crazy passionate sex. I honestly wasn't very attracted to him physically. He's an attractive man, but he wasn't my "type". He's of average build and height and often lacks confidence - he's very human and I was able to move past the physical. I certainly don't want to be with a man who would only want to be with me if I was "perfect".

We eventually did strike a good balance with our sex life. I've always been a woman that had no trouble reaching orgasm and via intercourse. I seemed to want sex much more than him. I wanted to have sex pretty much every day. In my past, I was fairly open about experimenting with sex. I really don't know how many partners I've had, but I've had a serious relationship twice before I got married. So, I'm experienced and that experience brought me to have an appreciation for committed sex with somebody I love.

For the past few months, I've lost interest in sex...with my husband. He's incredibly sweet - always giving me hugs and kisses, looking to hold me and needs to fall asleep next to me at night. However, when he tries to have sex at night in bed (which is the routine place to have sex lately) I can't seem to enjoy even kissing him. It's so emotionally painful to have sex and feel that I have to zone out and visualize a fantasy in order to enjoy it. I don't feel the "closeness" that I used to feel during sex.

My sex drive isn't altogether gone. I still have fantasies and masturbate. At first I tried stopping masturbating and saving any built up sexual tension for him, but when we go to actually have sex it would disappear. Also, I'd like to share that I was always more sexually adventurous than him. I used to wear lingerie, dance around nude, Orally please him while in the car...I even spent $700 to do a boudoir photo shoot so he could have erotic pics of me.

We've been planning to have a baby in the next year and I've not been on birth control for about 6-7 months. No surprise, I'm not pregnant. I have no drive to even try even though I want a baby. I feel so hurt by this. When I look at him I feel a deep stab of pain in my heart because I want to give him the love he'd like from me.

I've told a therapist and she suggested we talk about spicing things up or discuss our fantasies. I don't feel that this will work. I don't know what to do.

Last edited by alaska84; 07-15-2016 at 06:11 PM.
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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 06:10 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Whatever you do DONT bring a child into this until you figure out how to find the spark with this man. I suggest you continue going to the therapist ( or find another one ) read books ,etc . Do all you can to fix the marriage maybe THEN have a kid.

Just from reading your OP it sounds like you married a " safe choice " for stability but your hormones want something else.

Good luck ....
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 06:12 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

You're not attracted to him physically.
Don't have children just yet.
You have a sex drive, but not for him.
Did you just marry him just for the sake of getting married?

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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 07:28 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:
1. Do not marry someone when there is a sexual mismatch, it is not fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids when there is a sexual mismatch, it is not fair to the kids.
You violated rule #1. That is bad. Violating rule #2 is worse.

Also, I find there is often an easy way to address cases where spouse #1 got married because spouse #2 was nice, funny, responsible, pleasant, etc., but not sexually hot (at least not in spouse #1's view). The key is for spouse #1 to openly and honestly admit to spouse #2 that spouse #1 does not find spouse #2 sexually attractive, doesn't enjoy sex with spouse #2 very much, and pretty much married spouse #2 for companionship, financial and child-raising support, but not for sex. That this "trade" (give up hot to get stable) was initially acceptable to spouse #1. But now spouse #1 is feeling that sex with spouse #2 is undesirable because there is only so long that you can keep having sex with someone you don't (and never did) find hot. So spouse #1 intends to stop having sex with spouse #2. And spouse #1 just wants to verify that spouse #2 understood the "ground rules" of the marriage, and that staying married is what spouse #2 wants even though there probably won't be much sex going forward, and what sex there is will be pity sex and generally uninspired.

See, if you tell the truth about how you feel, you won't have to spend much time posting on internet discussion boards to figure out what you should do. Because one of 2 things will happen. Spouse #2 will leave and make the decision for you by leaving. Or you will be so disgusted that spouse #2 is willing to stay despite your telling them the ugly truth that you will leave to get yourself away from the stench of their self-loathing. Either way, it is a win-win for both spouses.

The longer you put this off, the uglier the breakup will be. Worst case is you never break up and waste your life married to someone you despise. You have been warned.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 07:58 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Did this become an issue when you went off your Pill? If there was a change when you went off the Pill, it might be hormone related. If it's truly that you have never been sexually attracted to your H, you have 2 choices. 1) live with it or 2) divorce. Sexual attraction is involuntary. You either feel it or you don't.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 08:16 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Since this change sees to have happened when you got off the pill, why not get back on it for a while to see if there is a hormone issue.

You could tell your husband that you think you have hormone issue and need to check it out. Talk to your doctor so that he knows you are working on it with your doctor.

How's the rest of your relationship? How much time do you and your husband spend together, doing things that you both enjoy? Just the two of you?
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 08:49 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

OP,
It is often the case that women, and men, find less desirable that which is easily obtained. Your H is a nice guy, accommodating, thoughtful and all of this can be taken for granted because you have reached a place with your mate than some aspire to but never achieve. To entertain the thought of starting a family with him seems quite cold and calculated.

Does he not deserve to be desired, longed for, the object of passion? There are many women that would find him so so why would you not allow him the freedom to experience that. You have no children, married just over a year and you do not find him attractive. This will continue to worsen and he may develop serious resentment especially as he begins to feel more and more like Mr. Safe Choice.

If you divorce now what have you really lost except your security blanket which you really only like for its security. It takes a complex set of variables to make a marriage successful and passion is not least among them. I would consider this carefully.

Peace and long life
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 08:53 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Since this change sees to have happened when you got off the pill, why not get back on it for a while to see if there is a hormone issue.

You could tell your husband that you think you have hormone issue and need to check it out. Talk to your doctor so that he knows you are working on it with your doctor.

How's the rest of your relationship? How much time do you and your husband spend together, doing things that you both enjoy? Just the two of you?
That would be an interesting experiment, but her level of attraction (almost zero) would be the natural level of attraction she has for him when not pregnant (the pill simulates the hormonal scenario of pregnancy). Unless there is something more to this, they may simply be unsuited to each other sexually, and if that's the case, they should break up rather than try to fix this (as that's next to impossible).

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 08:54 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

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Originally Posted by alaska84 View Post
He's of average build and height and often lacks confidence...
You need to work with your husband to make him into a more confident lover, perhaps to the point where he can even be more dominant with you.

Easier said than done, but start by teasing him until he looses control and has to overpower you to "take" what he needs from you sexually (if that is your thing).

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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 08:57 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

I don't know how to help, but what you write disturbs me.
He is: ok physically and loves you and gives you attention and provides, etcetera.
Yet you still don't love him romantically. It leaves little hope for the rest of us who aren't nearly as perfect as your guy sounds.
It's so incredibly sad.

Yes, see if the pill affects things. Those pills are bigtime powerful stuff. Have all kinds of side effects.
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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 08:59 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
You're not attracted to him physically.
Don't have children just yet.
You have a sex drive, but not for him.
Did you just marry him just for the sake of getting married?

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I am really wondering about the bolded as well. IDK, at least to me it just seems off. Usually at the start of the relationship all the hormones are racing, and even then you weren't physically attracted to him. Now add on some years, marriage, etc... and I think it is safe to say you will never be physically attracted to him. Sounds like you married him b/c you wanted to have more of a friend/roommate type relationship and the stability he brings.

Have you told any of this to your H?
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 09:21 PM
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 09:24 PM
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See article. Choosing a mate while on the pill.... If you go off the pill, you might not be attracted anymore due to changes that occur in your mate selection when your body is fooled into thinking it's pregnant, as it does on the pill.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-15-2016, 09:50 PM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Divorce amicably.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 07-16-2016, 12:38 AM
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Re: I love my husband, but not the sex

Tell him the truth and let him go. This won't get better.
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