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Been a while....time for an update

10K views 71 replies 31 participants last post by  Spotthedeaddog 
#1 ·
Hi everyone,


Its time for an update about Mrs.Cuddlebug and I.


Her life long goal of having straight white teeth is now within a few months being completed. Her braces are coming off soon, teeth being whitened and I am really happy for her. I had to push her but she finally did this a few years ago and now in a few months its all done.

Now she has stopped going to the gym long ago, doesn't watch what she eats as much, calories per meal, etc. As a result she is getting really fat and is heavier than I am. I am 6 ft 2 at 225 lbs. She is 5 ft 10 at 230+ lbs. She has those big fat arms and legs now. For Mrs.CuddleBug to get in shape now, she'd have to lose a lot of weight. I still love her but I find her physically gross.

My sex drive is the same, love more adventurous, spontaneous sex, etc. She only wants sex 1x month and that's it. If I initiate, she turns me down 99% of the time, so I don't initiate much if at all anymore.

Mrs.CuddleBug has the money, her own car and freedom, yet she doesn't take care of her body, for her health and marriage and sex is....we'll, meh, does it 1x month to keep the marriage going?

I still eat healthy, know my calories and do more maintenance weight training. I am still big and strong, just more lean and not big and bulky.

I've learned from TAM that LD spouses usually never change. They might at first but then fall back into their old ways. Nothing you can do really.

On a positive note, we've been married 17 years as of Sept 11.

I know, 9 - 11.....heh.


Would I of married Mrs.CuddleBug knowing she would let herself go and isn't interested in sex? NO. Why waste your life with someone like that?

I would of been a great friend to her though.

So overall, life is like a box of chocolates. You don't know what you'll get.

Great woman, just not a physical type woman. Can't win 'em all.
 
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#3 ·
I am hoping......that after her braces come off and her teeth are whitened she will now focus on her body. Crossing my fingers big time.

She is everything I want in a woman, but she has to take care of her body and get a sex drive. Very important to me as I am HD and she knows this.

After the braces, crossing my fingers.....and toes.....
 
#14 ·
I am hoping......that after her braces come off and her teeth are whitened she will now focus on her body. Crossing my fingers big time.
"Hope" can be an important word, depending on what one means by it, and what one gets by using it in their thinking. I'm not sure exactly what you meant by it, but, perhaps it's worth thinking about.

What are the chances that you use "hope" here, in your thinking, as a coping mechanism, one that enables to you to postpone that which you fear most of all?

I can be extremely/harshly realistic in some contexts and it serves me well. I can be "eternally optimistic" in others, and doing so can be quite helpful as it keeps me focused on the task at hand rather than getting distracted and discouraged. So, depending on the situation, I figure "hope" can be helpful or it can be harmful. And, it sure is hard to know in the moment.

If you had to put a number on the likelihood of her focusing on her body soon, what would it be? And, what about the likelihood of that focus turning into what it is you are ultimately wanting?


I love to learn new things, adapt, get things done and move onward. For me, fate is what you make so do nothing, get nothing, but do something, get something.
Knowing that about yourself, do you suppose it makes it more difficult to finally get the point where you accept that how she is, and how she has been, is almost certainly the way she is always going to be? Because once you accept that, you may find yourself at some level compelled to end your marriage?

I ask, because it's not clear to me where your head is at in what you posted above. You seem to clearly understand folks almost never change, yet, you still seem partially invested in the "hope" that she is going to change soon. That seems to happen often here on TAM (in my story, especially, too). It's like we want to keep the story going on and on, and fight acceptance of the truth about our situations and partners, because once we accept it, we know we are quite capable of taking action to move on or at least face that we are the one's choosing less for ourselves, and that's something we fear.


Sorry.. just rambling/thinking out loud. Might not apply to you. Certainly applies to me.
 
#5 ·
I'm pretty convinced that is the case here. When she lost all of that weight a few years ago, CB thought that would somehow make her more adventurous and increase her drive. Instead I think she just mentally connected being fit and thinner to CB asking for more sex and more adventurious sex. CB I think you can look back at your thread and see right around the time you bought the sleeve and she freaked out, she also fell of the fitness wagon:(
 
#8 ·
She is everything you want, except for the things that still seem to matter to you. I suspect you can do better - but you have to want to.
 
#9 ·
I hear what everyone is saying.


Mrs.CuddleBug is a bigger girl and she knows this.

Instead of taking care of her body for her "health and marriage"......she started the gym for a bit, then started making excuses and then stopped altogether. Result, she is a very big girl now.

Her body is her responsibility and hers alone. Either she takes care of it or she doesn't. No excuses.

She has the money, her own car and freedom, so again no excuses.

You honestly think us guys love to see our women let themselves go? Obviously not. That's lazy.

Remember in marriages, there is a hubby and wifee. You are not your own anymore and you take care of yourself for your spouse.

I have no sympathy for spouses who let themselves go, then their other halves get upset and they wonder why?!

If I can take care of my body for my health and for her, why can't she do the same for me?


Mrs.CuddleBug had bad teeth way before we started dating and she was very insecure about that. I pushed her to get braces and she finally did a few years ago. Now that she only has a few months, she realizes she wasted most of her life by doing nothing about it and always talking....

I am the type of guy who gets things done. I talk about it but its done yesterday. Mrs.CuddleBug talks about it and nothing gets done.....

If Mrs.CuddleBug never wanted sex to begin with, let herself go and here we are today, why did she agree to marry me? She could of said no and remained single, big and sexless.

I have changed so much since we got married, its awesome. I love to learn new things, adapt, get things done and move onward. For me, fate is what you make so do nothing, get nothing, but do something, get something.
 
#31 ·
Because, deep down, some people have an inate but greater desire for human socialization moreso than for sexual contact!

The sad fact of the matter is that they don't really have the inclination nor the courage to say that, prior to promising it to their spouses in their marital vows, that are duly made to them!

It's kind of like that by simply crossing their fingers, they feel that over the course of time, they can make marital sex all go away!

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#10 ·
So why still be married? No kids right? Sounds like you are roommate's who enjoy each other company like friends do but not lover's. You know you deserve a healthy and loving relationship right? Would she be shocked if you told her you found her physically gross and wanted out of the marriage?
 
#11 ·
I have never and will never tell Mrs.CuddleBug she is fat and needs to lose weight. Common sense.

She knows she is big and needs to do something about it. It's getting her to actually do something that is her lifelong challenge......you basically need a fire under her butt to get her doing things instead of talking and its put off.

No kids, correct. Only a cat.

Are we more room mates than lovers and hubby/wifee at times? Absolutely YES.

We don't fight much if at all, but since there is minimal physicality due to Mrs.CuddleBug, yah, room mates at times, very true.

Would she be surprised if I told her she is fat/gross and I wanted out of the marriage unless she makes the life style change? Yes and no.

She knows but at the same time, knows I wouldn't hurt her feelings and actually say it but won't do anything about it because she is insecure and circle never ends......
 
#12 ·
You are concerned for her feelings but it doesn't sound like she is very concerned for your feelings. If she was you wouldn't be in a sexless marriage. You are waiting for things to change...that I am sure deep down you know will never change. Life is too short.
 
#13 ·
The big girl thing is a lot more difficult for her than you, possibly.

However, the once a month sex thing is on her.

Question: would 8 times a month of duty sex make you happy?

If no, then you really need to consider letting her go. She will never make you happy, because she can't. She may love you, she may just not care for sex. Some people don't.
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#15 ·
Yeah, he knows she'll never change. But he loves her and doesn't want to accept that she won't change.

He says he's a "talk about it now, but it's done yesterday" kinda guy.

Well we can see that there's at least one thing that he'll talk about today, and may never follow through on. His wife knows it. He's not going anywhere.

I don't know what to say. I admire your love and loyalty. But I also know you are stuck and afraid if change just like me and everyone else.
The logical thing to do here is divorce and find a woman that likes sex and has all the good qualities your wife has. Easier said, than done.
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#16 ·
I have to agree with everyone here. Short of a miracle, Mrs.CuddleBug won't take care of her body, sex drive which effects our marriage.


When we first got married, I wore thick coke bottle glasses and I was 165 lbs at 6 ft 2......basically women didn't want anything to do with me.

I decided to get laser eye surgery and started eating better, more often and weight training. Now today, 225 lbs and 20 / 20 vision. I did this for myself and for Mrs.CuddleBug. She has told me, she isn't complaining.

Now over that time period, she has gotten bigger, sex drive is still 1x month and only over the last 2 years she got braces at my insistence because I knew its something she always wanted to do.

For me, I could still have sex every day, 7 days week.

Being more realistic, I could have sex every 2nd day, so 3x to 4x week sex, leaving 3 to 4 days a week of no sex.

Mrs.CuddleBug focusing on her body? Rating from 0 to 10?

0 being nothing and 10 being a life style change, I'd say 0 at this point in time.

If we had good sex 1x week and duty sex 2x week = 3x every week I see that as a compromise and I'm good with that. For her its too much, even 2x month is the limit it seems.
 
#17 ·
she is getting really fat and is heavier than I am. I am 6 ft 2 at 225 lbs. She is 5 ft 10 at 230+ lbs. She has those big fat arms and legs now.
What a waste of orthodonture.

What is with these fatties that get all dressed up and put on all sorts of makeup and go out there looking like painted elephants?

"We're married to husbands that won't ever leave us so please pass the pudding".

 
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#19 ·
I wonder if its the testosterone factor?

Us men have a lot more test compared to the ladies. Makes us hornier, more muscular and stronger.


I'm noticing this as well. Larger ladies putting on more makeup with prettier hairstyles and clothing but not addressing the real issue, their body weight.


Makes no sense. Why let yourself go being married? Why not have crazier more adventurous fun sex while married and stay in great shape?

But instead it takes being divorced to get back in shape? Being in shape wouldn't of resulted in getting divorced and the lack of sex.

Messed up......


It's almost why take care of myself? I'm married so I don't have to. Why do people get fat?......wedding cake.



Heh, Mrs.CuddleBug has pudding....:grin2:
 
#20 ·
Yes, hormones are no friend of women at a certain age, and when women put on enough weight, they don't feel attractive and feel unworthy of their husbands. And hormones can reduce libido when the hormones drop off, and it just feeds the fear.

Your wife is dealing with her teeth because that's what she thinks she has some control or influence over.

And she loved you and married you when your wore coke-bottle thick glasses and weren't the amazing specimen of manhood that you are now, hoping, as many wise women do, that when the situation is reversed and the hormones aren't working for us but against us that you'd have the compassion to love her later in her life the way she loved you in the transitional stage of yours.

So rather than agree with and affirm what others have said, that your wife has let herself go because she knows you won't leave, perhaps she knows you well enough, and perhaps has banked on the commitment you both made to each other, that the covert contract she, in the deep recesses of her heart, entered into with you would hold up. Once upon a time it would. Now in the 21st century Mr. Cuddlebug has other options. And maybe she needs time to figure out, once she begins to get some traction on restoring her beauty, how she can continue to do that, restore her confidence, and present you with a new and revitalized version of herself.

Or, you could just be outgrowing her. Or, you could just have decided you want more sex and that matters more than anything else.
 
#21 ·
perhaps has banked on the commitment you both made to each other, that the covert contract she, in the deep recesses of her heart, entered into with you would hold up.
I'm thinking there's a good reason why typical marriage vows contain the words "worse", "poorer", and "sicker" but not "fatter". It's like a loophole in a business contract.
 
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#22 ·
The fat thing he could maybe get over and she could with on.

However, the once a month duty sex thing I couldn't live with. I'd feel totally unloved, feel like I was wasting time I could be spending with a real lover, and feel like I was being used.

Thing is, OP says he's not attracted to her, anyway. What's left?
One can find a friend to share bills.
It's not that hard.
If she had romantic feelings for him, they'd be having sex. She's supposed to love him romantically in a marriage. Life is too short. I'd have to think long and hard about giving her an ultimatum.
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#23 ·
So her hormones stop functioning, she puts on weight. She could work out 8 hours a day and the weight wouldn't shift, and no matter what she does to shift it, he's not going to be attracted to her.

And no, if she had romantic feelings for him, she'd very well be afraid to take her clothes off because she doesn't like how she looks and would assume he doesn't either. And as you, since he's not attracted to her, clearly she thinks it's about the weight. Yes, she's supposed to live him romantically in a marriage. But so the f**k is he, regardless of her weight. What has HE done during this process of aging and having hormones leave out the back door and leave nothing but cellulite and weight gain to assure her he finds her attractive? He hasn't said. I'd like to hear.
 
#24 ·
Wise words everyone.


Mrs.CuddleBug is insecure about her body, so she doesn't want sex much if at all, but she isn't willing to get a personal trainer and make that lifestyle change either. Vicious circle.


We've been having sex 1x month, maybe 2x month for our entire marriage. Try that in your early 20's to early 40's......


I've relieved myself so many times because she is never in the mood I can't count that high.


See, Mrs.CuddleBug did decide to marry me and she knows I'm in this for the long haul but at the same time, just because we are married doesn't give her the option to let herself go and not get a personal trainer.


If she finally got off her butt, got a trainer, started getting in shape, losing weight and as the weight comes off, her confidence goes up, the sex increases too, I would be a very happy Mr.CuddleBug.


Did you know we have never been in the shower together?


Never in the bathroom together?
 
#29 ·
What are you insecure about, what are you afraid of?

If your marriage sux and you are in effect roommates who just happen to very occasionally share sex together to scratch an itch. I don't see why you don't actually do something about it to find something and someone better.

At the end of the day, you are getting exactly what you choose to get. While-ever you keep doing the same thing, you'll keep getting the same result. Oddly enough you do know this is true, yet here you are still pressing on and complaining about what you keep choosing to have.

When will you have the courage to finally end this?
 
#27 ·
I will say that my ex was about 216 lbs after our second child. I never really noticed. No too long before she decided she wanted a divorce, she had old pictures out and showed me one of her and said her weight and that it was that high after our second child. She was still beautiful to me at the time the pic was taken. I noticed in the pic that she was big and pretty unattractive. But all through our marriage, I never thought she was anything but beautiful. As God is my witness, that is the truth.
Of course, after she killed the love I had for her, I could see her in a totally different light.

OP, I think the love you had for your wife must be waning, or you'd likely still be able to see her beauty. Maybe you still do.
Really, if this is how it's been your entire marriage, why the sadness about it now?
It is what it is. There are worse things than very little sex and a chunky wife.
I am very sorry about it all. I've been lucky in the sex dept. so I don't know how it feels to be in a near sexless marriage. I know it would suck big time.
I really don't think a trainer and weight loss is gonna get you any more sex. You'll likely just want it more. She won't, but at least she'd feel better about herself.
I urge you not to ever let her get prescript. Diet pills. My ex took them without my knowledge. They have caused untold pain for me and her. It's not worth it.
Probably a huge factor in our divorce.
I wish there was a cure for such a senseless problem as no desire for sex.
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#28 ·
I will say that my ex was about 216 lbs after our second child. I never really noticed. No too long before she decided she wanted a divorce, she had old pictures out and showed me one of her and said her weight and that it was that high after our second child. She was still beautiful to me at the time the pic was taken. I noticed in the pic that she was big and pretty unattractive. But all through our marriage, I never thought she was anything but beautiful. As God is my witness, that is the truth.
Of course, after she killed the love I had for her, I could see her in a totally different light.

OP, I think the love you had for your wife must be waning, or you'd likely still be able to see her beauty. Maybe you still do.
Really, if this is how it's been your entire marriage, why the sadness about it now?
It is what it is. There are worse things than very little sex and a chunky wife.
I am very sorry about it all. I've been lucky in the sex dept. so I don't know how it feels to be in a near sexless marriage. I know it would suck big time.
I really don't think a trainer and weight loss is gonna get you any more sex. You'll likely just want it more. She won't, but at least she'd feel better about herself.
I urge you not to ever let her get prescript. Diet pills. My ex took them without my knowledge. They have caused untold pain for me and her. It's not worth it.
Probably a huge factor in our divorce.
I wish there was a cure for such a senseless problem as no desire for sex.
216 lbs/98 kg is a lot of weight especially if your ex is short. My wife is 5'7" and was 60kg /132 lbs before the birth of our second child, and only put on baby weight during the pregnancy and quickly went back to that weight not long after (plenty of walking no extra eating). Almost 13 years later and my wife is soon turning 46 and she is 65 kg/146 lbs which is still a healthy weight, anytime my wife is putting weight on I tell her she's getting fat, likewise she does the same to me.

Anyway one line of thought is this can lead someone to thinking you don't care much about them at all, if you don't notice any significant changes and ignore it all.
 
#30 ·
Hi Cuddlebug,

I rarely post but have been around for a long time and I read. I recall your wife freaking out when your job of many years let you go, and I noticed that's when the weight started adding back on. I think a lot of it had to do with her anxiety and stress while you were out of work.

You could point that out to her and perhaps see if that might help. She may also have a hormonal disorder like PCOS or a number of things. I wish you both the best.
 
#34 ·
Cuddlebug, your wife has always been overweight and she's always wanted sex 1x a month . She hasn't changed. You have. You're entitled to your preferences but you are not entitled to blame your wife for being exactly who she's always been - an overweight woman who cares little for fitness with a 1x per month sex drive.

Ask yourself what's changed to make you start resenting her now. Is there someone else who has caught your fancy? Are you unjustly comparing your wife to this new person?
 
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