Wife has zero sex drive
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-06-2011, 11:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife has zero sex drive

Noticed the frustrated posts on this subject...I am kind of at the end of my rope on this subject. I dearly love my wife, she is the nicest, sweetest person I have ever met. Three kids, all grown now. 25 years of marriage and things were well for about 15 years.

Then breast cancer struck, after chemo and radiation therapy, she is now a breast cancer survivor. Unfortunately, her sex drive went to zero and she gained about 80lbs due to early menopause. After pressing the point for a few years, I finally gave up, her kisses have gone cold, and she decided to start sleeping in another room to 'get a better nights sleep'.

I am more than thankful that she is still alive and try to supress my 'needs'. It is difficult as she will not even consider any physical contact. God, at this point I would be happy with a hand job once a month with the last little bit of effort on her part.

Unfortunately, I still have the same sex drive as when I was 20 and feel like I have it screaming inside my head day after day like a hurricane wind in the trees. I have erotic dreams of making love to my wife in days past and wake up with a massive erection in the middle of the night. Cold showers suck at 2am.

I keep repeating "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...etc.etc." like it will somehow help with the parts of our relationship that have been ripped out of my mind. It is almost a curse, to be in love with a woman as cold as ice....

Divorce is out of the question, I married for life.

A girlfriend will never work, I am sure I could not resolve the emotional attachment issues, it would end badly either way.

After much research, I recently went to see a high end escort.

A few hours with her did more to resolve my problems than any therapist could in a few months. I felt like I was 'high' for weeks after our encounter. I practice safe sex and other than the still small risk of STDs, I think this may be my only option.

No chance of giving anything to my wife as we never touch, kiss or engage in any physical affection anymore.

Appears I am consigned to hiring 'paid talent' once a month or so for the remainder of the marriage.

Any of the women reading this need to realize how much torture and wreckage can be dumped upon a marriage through 'no sex' most men would have left years ago....
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Old 11-06-2011, 11:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has zero sex drive

You didn't mention that you've had a heart-to-heart talk with her. Have you?
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Old 11-07-2011, 08:49 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has zero sex drive

Quote:
Originally Posted by 333Husband View Post
Noticed the frustrated posts on this subject...I am kind of at the end of my rope on this subject. I dearly love my wife, she is the nicest, sweetest person I have ever met. Three kids, all grown now. 25 years of marriage and things were well for about 15 years.

Then breast cancer struck, after chemo and radiation therapy, she is now a breast cancer survivor. Unfortunately, her sex drive went to zero and she gained about 80lbs due to early menopause. After pressing the point for a few years, I finally gave up, her kisses have gone cold, and she decided to start sleeping in another room to 'get a better nights sleep'.

I am more than thankful that she is still alive and try to supress my 'needs'. It is difficult as she will not even consider any physical contact. God, at this point I would be happy with a hand job once a month with the last little bit of effort on her part.

Unfortunately, I still have the same sex drive as when I was 20 and feel like I have it screaming inside my head day after day like a hurricane wind in the trees. I have erotic dreams of making love to my wife in days past and wake up with a massive erection in the middle of the night. Cold showers suck at 2am.

I keep repeating "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...etc.etc." like it will somehow help with the parts of our relationship that have been ripped out of my mind. It is almost a curse, to be in love with a woman as cold as ice....

Divorce is out of the question, I married for life.

A girlfriend will never work, I am sure I could not resolve the emotional attachment issues, it would end badly either way.

After much research, I recently went to see a high end escort.

A few hours with her did more to resolve my problems than any therapist could in a few months. I felt like I was 'high' for weeks after our encounter. I practice safe sex and other than the still small risk of STDs, I think this may be my only option.

No chance of giving anything to my wife as we never touch, kiss or engage in any physical affection anymore.

Appears I am consigned to hiring 'paid talent' once a month or so for the remainder of the marriage.

Any of the women reading this need to realize how much torture and wreckage can be dumped upon a marriage through 'no sex' most men would have left years ago....
So what is it you are looking for here? Validation that cheating on your wife with prostitutes is okay?
I have never had breast cancer but those I know that have lose themselves entirely. Chemo and radiation wreck havoc on your body. The fear of cancer coming back and possible death are paralyzing. Hormones are changed for the worse. You also mention she gained a lot of weight due to early menopause. Her self image has got to be shot to hell on top of the scars she must have.
Have you talked to her?
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Old 11-07-2011, 06:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has zero sex drive

Resolution of the problem is shot here, I have talked, we have gone to see someone to help. Sex in my marriage is over, done, zilch, nada or whatever expression fits here.

I don't care about the weight, physical appearance (heck I'm probably not that much to look at anymore either). I just miss any physical contact with my wife.

Bottom line is she has just turned the switch off and that is the end of the story.

Posting was more of a desperate rant about the husband's side of things in case anyone else drops into the same bucket. I don't like my options, after years of frustration I just finally got to the end of my rope on this issue.
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Old 11-07-2011, 07:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has zero sex drive

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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
So what is it you are looking for here? Validation that cheating on your wife with prostitutes is okay?
I have never had breast cancer but those I know that have lose themselves entirely. Chemo and radiation wreck havoc on your body. The fear of cancer coming back and possible death are paralyzing. Hormones are changed for the worse. You also mention she gained a lot of weight due to early menopause. Her self image has got to be shot to hell on top of the scars she must have.
Have you talked to her?
He indicated in his posting it was "years" after her recovery. If she has moved out of the bedroom and is not even accepting basic human touching, then what exactly does she expect?

I do not condone cheating at all. Prior to this happening he needed to sit his wife down and try and get her to agree to work on this situation. If she refused repeatedly then he needed to leave.

When you become a husband and wife part of the deal is taking care of each others needs. Even if you set the sex aside, she is not even sleeping in the same room as him, or having an emotional connection.

There is no excuse for her not touching you, kissing you, hugging you, sleeping in the same room with you etc. Hey even giving a hand job once a month like you asked for is not to much to ask for from a wife.

It is wrong to expect a husband to have that for years and not expect him to want out of the relationship. Humans need that physical connection, and sex is not something that can be ignored for years. Having cancer is awful, but even worse is years later not moving on and trying to live your life, and expecting your husband to live in a marriage with no intimacy.

Last edited by misticli; 11-07-2011 at 07:13 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 11-08-2011, 11:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has zero sex drive

I am not going to condemn you. I am no better or worse than you are… We are all only human and have to find ways to deal with the hard times in our lives. I can only offer you my thoughts. Question? What is the right thing to do?

This is what I would do...

I would try and communicate the following post to my wife;
How many women actually get it?

I'd say, give it to your wife if you have to! However, I don't suggest it... I'd simply try to start better communication with her by conveying what helps you feel more fulfilled in your marriage with her. And don't make it all about sex. Try to explain your feelings over time in as kind and loving way as you can:

Then... Make sure you are not one of these men;

Often a wife's reluctance has something to do with her husbands offensive approach toward her about this matter. Most of the time, if a man "blows up" on his woman, it is primarily because HE is not getting sex. HE is not getting something HE wants from his wife and so HE lets her know HE is unhappy about HIS doing without... and as you can already see... what is missing is the BIGGER MENTALITY that is more concerned about the marriage relationship... that is more concerned about the MUTUAL GOOD. He is projecting to his wife that he is ALL ABOUT HIMSELF.

A more diplomatic approace might sound something like this;

"I want both of us to enjoy the best possible life together. I want to be happy... and I want YOU to be happy just as much. Clearly, you have not been truly happy for the last few years, and I sure don't want you to continue being that way... I know you don't want to be unhappy... So, what do we need to do... what do I need to do... what are the things I need to change... what do you need to change... so that you can be happy again? And, if you aren't too sure at this moment in time, then lets simply try to identify just one thing that you'd like to change or see different and we can try and take care of that one thing... and that could get things moving back to better direction of happiness."


Next:

Educate yourself somemore;

What does the Bible say about divorce? PART I

What does the Bible say about divorce? PART 2


AND... Understand that two wrongs NEVER can make it right.


YOU MUST - Make sure your wife truly understands your need for fulfillment... Just like you, she has her needs... HOWEVER they are much different... She may not SEE this! Maybe it's kind of in her mind but not her heart.

Once she understands.... she MUST acknowledge to you that she fully understands.... Get her to verbalize this! If she can't.... Try to help her by being patient and understanding. Maybe it will take her time to absorb. Then ask if she is willing to help meet your needs. Have her express her feelings. Once she clearly understands... and has expressed herself, then you'll have a greater peace of mind once you have done this.

Doing this step will help you confirm later by her actions wether she truly loves you and wants be a part of the marriage or not.


Then give her what she needs. TIME without browbeating, pushing, comments, pouting... and within a reasonable time she should start showing signs of caring or not caring. But, you need to LET GO TOTALLY AND LET GOD DEAL WITH HER at that point. Continue to pray for your wife, and for her softened heart and opened mind.

If you continue to interfear after you have done all this GOD will NOT be jumping in your way to do what He is capable of doing. He honors your free will. He will YIELD and not intrude on your actions... no matter how wrong they may be. God empowers you in these times as long as you are willing to let go, do what is right, and simply trust Him.

In the end it will have to be your wife's decision to change... And, it's also going to be based on her free will to change. God will certainly prompt her and help bring her closer to you in your mariage... but it is always a matter of both of you deciding individually to exersize your freewill in following His plan for your marriage. Either one of you may choose to remain hardened.

Finally, CHECK YOURSELF. Are you truly holding up your end of the deal.... Discover any areas of resentment she may have towards you. Make changes, give love, be very patient, and remain faithful. This will take time for her to process. Ask God for His help and power inorder to strengthen you beyond the natural.

Be aware this whole process may take allot longer than you wish depending on your particular marriage situation... There are always consequences to our past actions or inactions that can surface and have an impact on our present situation. Every marriage has different roadblocks that can slow positive change down, and your marriage is no exception. Continue to move ahead, knowing that as long as you are on the right path your your good will come.

Last edited by Gaylord; 11-09-2011 at 02:49 PM.
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Wow! I'd bet you would be upset if your wife decided to go ahead and get her own escort. I'm sure she would also make sure the escort was using a condom while having sex with him. How would you feel if your wife paid someone else for sex? It's prostitution no matter how you look at it. I don't understand how you can truly love someone and cheat on them. It sounds like you didn't communicate your needs with your wife before you went ahead and did this. You are making excuses to try to justify what you have done. I hope for your wife's sake, you don't do it again.

I know what it's like and to have medical issues. I'm disabled(I'm in my late 30's) from breaking my neck. Our sex life almost diminished until I realized what I was doing. My husband meets all my needs physically and emotionally through this process. He truly is in love with me. I've now figured out how important sex is on my own and try my best to please my husband. I know for a fact he never would cheat on me, it's not his character to and he is here helping me raise our children and making sure I'm doing okay. I live in chronic severe pain and it hasn't been easy.
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Old 11-10-2011, 04:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has zero sex drive

How anyone can not feel for you or support you is beyond me. You should dump her or have an affair.

I understand your choice, and if that works for you, all the power to you.

I for one wish you the best of luck.
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Old 11-11-2011, 01:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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As a breast cancer survivor myself (full mastectomy) let me tell you, you won,t believe how much it affects your self image... I had always considered myself sexy for want of another word..But when diagnosed it left completely!! And has not returned that was 5 years ago...I would suggest that you try and start from the beginning with your wife.. even though she may have given in it does,nt mean that she wants you to.the very fact that you have just proves to her that she was right in her own mind that the cancer has made a difference and you don,t really see her the same way..Start by flirting with her make her laugh nothing physical start dating again but take it slow one step at a time..and as for the escort situation if this buys you a little bit of time and she will never find out (although I personally don,t agree with it but hey only you know what your needs are) if she feels that its her and nothing to do with her body that you want then in time she will come around.. but please don,t stop trying to show her that you really do love her..just a smile or a kind word just a brush of the hand ....if its hard on you imagine how she must be feeling ....
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Old 11-11-2011, 02:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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As a breast cancer survivor myself (full mastectomy) let me tell you, you won,t believe how much it affects your self image... I had always considered myself sexy for want of another word..But when diagnosed it left completely!! And has not returned that was 5 years ago...I would suggest that you try and start from the beginning with your wife.. even though she may have given in it does,nt mean that she wants you to.the very fact that you have just proves to her that she was right in her own mind that the cancer has made a difference and you don,t really see her the same way..Start by flirting with her make her laugh nothing physical start dating again but take it slow one step at a time..and as for the escort situation if this buys you a little bit of time and she will never find out (although I personally don,t agree with it but hey only you know what your needs are) if she feels that its her and nothing to do with her body that you want then in time she will come around.. but please don,t stop trying to show her that you really do love her..just a smile or a kind word just a brush of the hand ....if its hard on you imagine how she must be feeling ....
First, let me say how sorry I am.... I can not begin to understand what you have gone through and wish you nothing but the best.

However the OP does not mention a masectomy, and has been loving, understanding and patient (if we believe what he says). Heck his dreams and fantasies are still all about her, regardless of her appearance (yep I'm shallow). Two years later, after counseling and discussions (see his second post), she WILL NOT EVEN CONSIDER PHYSICAL CLOSENESS OR DISCUSS IT FURTHER.

This all falls on her......
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Old 11-11-2011, 07:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife has zero sex drive

I can't hate in the OP, sounds like tried everything. Once u leave my bed... its a q
wrap!!! Not going to beg and plead for sex from the woman I viwed to spend the rest of my life with.
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Old 02-22-2012, 12:45 PM   #12 (permalink)
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First, let me say how sorry I am.... I can not begin to understand what you have gone through and wish you nothing but the best.
Why don't you go ahead and tell her what you told this OP? Tell her her husband needs to cheat on her.

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This all falls on her......
Ya, damn her for getting cancer.

Despicable.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I keep repeating "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...etc.etc." like it will somehow help with the parts of our relationship that have been ripped out of my mind. It is almost a curse, to be in love with a woman as cold as ice....

Divorce is out of the question, I married for life.

A girlfriend will never work, I am sure I could not resolve the emotional attachment issues, it would end badly either way.

After much research, I recently went to see a high end escort.
I'm curious about why divorce is out of the question, but adultery is acceptable. Morally, each seems wrong. Although, I admit you're between a rock and a hard place.

However, divorce seems like the better option. If your wife has no desire for you, then leaving her probably won't impact her as much as it does many women. She may even be relieved to be rid of you and get her master bedroom back.

Divorce would also free you up to pursue romance with another woman who values you for more than the amount you're willing to pay for a few hours.

Sorry for what you're going through. And good luck.
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Old 02-22-2012, 01:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Why don't you go ahead and tell her what you told this OP? Tell her her husband needs to cheat on her.



Ya, damn her for getting cancer.

Despicable.
I will admit that the situation is tragic. But, the OP said his wife cut him off completely 10 years ago. Even if her lack of desire is 100% explainable by her health problems, it's not OK to expect her husband to remain celibate forever.

As the OP said, a handjob once a month (which would take 3 minutes) would send him over the moon. I don't think that's too much to ask. Even of a cancer survivor.
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Old 02-22-2012, 02:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by I'mInLoveWithMyHubby View Post

. Our sex life almost diminished until I realized what I was doing. My husband meets all my needs physically and emotionally through this process. He truly is in love with me. I've now figured out how important sex is on my own and try my best to please my husband.
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As far as I am concerned this is where your situation is nothing like the OP.

You try and care about his needs. The wife in the OP doesn't do either. I would have endless patience for a wife that simply cared but was unable to have sex. I have zero patience for the attitude "I no longer want sex, so get used to it because I have decided your sex life is over too."

For those concerned with legalisms, yes the OP is cheating. While I have lots of sympathy for the OP's wife in her battle with cancer, I have no real sympathy for any hurt feelings she may feel arising form the consequences of her unilateral withdrawal of all affection.
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