Hello TAM community. This is a great site and community and I wish I had found you sooner. On to the issue at hand. First, a little introductory info...
I've been married to my wife for over 15 years. I have ALWAYS been LD, in every relationship I've ever been in. Initially when sex is first introduced into a relationship, I was always "into it" for a little while (usually somewhere between 1-4 weeks of pretty regular sex) but then my desire just plummets. This has always ended past relationships, sometimes quickly, sometimes after a very long time.
It's not lack of interest or attraction. I am interested in sex. I am madly in love with my wife. When we married she was quite honestly, the hottest woman I had ever seen. Here's the thing. We've been married 15 years. We've had 2 children. She's not the same woman any more physically. BUT, I still find her to be INCREDIBLY sexy. I LOVE her body. She, on the other hand, calls herself fat, ugly, etc all the time (to be fair, though, she said these things even when she weighed 100 pounds soaking wet and hadn't borne two children). She is far from fat and to my eyes, the added weight just makes her curves sexier.
I DON'T know what my problem is. I LOVE sex. I love sex with HER. I just don't want or need it all that much. About once every two weeks I'll get really horny and want/need sex. Sometimes this is great and she's ready and willing to go. Other times I don't even bring it up because I'm tired or it's getting late or something else is distracting me (BTW, I have ADHD). The end result is that we wind up having sex once or twice a month. She's been very vocal that she doesn't feel like we have enough sex, she thinks I don't find her attractive, she's even accused me of being secretly gay at times of immense frustration. She's asked me why if I truly find her sexy and truly enjoy sex with her, why I don't pursue sex with her or participate when she gives me the signals that she's in the mood to be intimate. I honestly don't have a good answer. The last time I checked with my doctor, my T levels are at the low end of normal, but normal none-the-less.
I think that it's a matter of several factors. Timing is one. I work a 9-5 type job (more like 8-6 really), she is a true "night person" and finds it very difficult to sleep at night, so she usually sleeps during the day while the kids are at school. This means we're rarely in bed at the same time. Another factor, neither one of us like to have sex while the younger child is up and about simply because our house is small and frequent interruptions are the norm on the rare occasions that we engage anyway.
I work full time. She stays home with the kids. At the end of the day, I go home, we have dinner, hang out with the kids and each other, and eventually 10 or 11 o'clock rolls around and I have to get to bed to be ready for the next day at work. During the summer months, our youngest is still up when I go to bed. During the school year though, it's a different story as the youngest goes to bed at least an hour before me.
Anyway, I feel like I'm beginning to ramble. I'm here because I'd like to improve my levels of desire. I'd like to pursue her more (I am a little gun-shy here as it feels like, especially lately because she's frustrated, I get rejected when I try to initiate and rejection makes me extremely hesitant to make another attempt at initiating). I've told her many times that if she would like it and she's not getting it, she is welcome to initiate. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've turned her down when she came after me for sex). She feels, as the woman, that it's okay for her to initiate but ultimately it's my responsibility as "the man" to pursue her. Being that I'm ADHD and have LD and have a very busy work week, pursuing sex just isn't the first thing on my mind (or even the 10th), especially during the week. On weekends, she's still a day sleeper. So our best shot is usually early morning on the weekend while the kids are asleep and I'm still in bed but close to waking up and she comes to bed. If we're in bed at the same time in this specific circumstance, simply having her next to me or cuddled up with me in bed will usually awaken my libido and we'll engage in sex. Sometimes even then though, she will brush off the attempt (usually because she feels like I'm doing it because she's recently brought up lack of sex or she's found some other reason to be angry with me - often with me unaware that she became angry with me while I slept).
I am at a point where I need help and advice. How to I improve the situation before it gets worse. How do I make our sex life more fulfilling and active? How do I increase my own desire so that it overrides tiredness or other concerns? How do I make sure she knows how HOT I think she is and that I do want her? How do I recover/repair our sex life? Any help or advice greatly appreciated.
I've been married to my wife for over 15 years. I have ALWAYS been LD, in every relationship I've ever been in. Initially when sex is first introduced into a relationship, I was always "into it" for a little while (usually somewhere between 1-4 weeks of pretty regular sex) but then my desire just plummets. This has always ended past relationships, sometimes quickly, sometimes after a very long time.
It's not lack of interest or attraction. I am interested in sex. I am madly in love with my wife. When we married she was quite honestly, the hottest woman I had ever seen. Here's the thing. We've been married 15 years. We've had 2 children. She's not the same woman any more physically. BUT, I still find her to be INCREDIBLY sexy. I LOVE her body. She, on the other hand, calls herself fat, ugly, etc all the time (to be fair, though, she said these things even when she weighed 100 pounds soaking wet and hadn't borne two children). She is far from fat and to my eyes, the added weight just makes her curves sexier.
I DON'T know what my problem is. I LOVE sex. I love sex with HER. I just don't want or need it all that much. About once every two weeks I'll get really horny and want/need sex. Sometimes this is great and she's ready and willing to go. Other times I don't even bring it up because I'm tired or it's getting late or something else is distracting me (BTW, I have ADHD). The end result is that we wind up having sex once or twice a month. She's been very vocal that she doesn't feel like we have enough sex, she thinks I don't find her attractive, she's even accused me of being secretly gay at times of immense frustration. She's asked me why if I truly find her sexy and truly enjoy sex with her, why I don't pursue sex with her or participate when she gives me the signals that she's in the mood to be intimate. I honestly don't have a good answer. The last time I checked with my doctor, my T levels are at the low end of normal, but normal none-the-less.
I think that it's a matter of several factors. Timing is one. I work a 9-5 type job (more like 8-6 really), she is a true "night person" and finds it very difficult to sleep at night, so she usually sleeps during the day while the kids are at school. This means we're rarely in bed at the same time. Another factor, neither one of us like to have sex while the younger child is up and about simply because our house is small and frequent interruptions are the norm on the rare occasions that we engage anyway.
I work full time. She stays home with the kids. At the end of the day, I go home, we have dinner, hang out with the kids and each other, and eventually 10 or 11 o'clock rolls around and I have to get to bed to be ready for the next day at work. During the summer months, our youngest is still up when I go to bed. During the school year though, it's a different story as the youngest goes to bed at least an hour before me.
Anyway, I feel like I'm beginning to ramble. I'm here because I'd like to improve my levels of desire. I'd like to pursue her more (I am a little gun-shy here as it feels like, especially lately because she's frustrated, I get rejected when I try to initiate and rejection makes me extremely hesitant to make another attempt at initiating). I've told her many times that if she would like it and she's not getting it, she is welcome to initiate. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've turned her down when she came after me for sex). She feels, as the woman, that it's okay for her to initiate but ultimately it's my responsibility as "the man" to pursue her. Being that I'm ADHD and have LD and have a very busy work week, pursuing sex just isn't the first thing on my mind (or even the 10th), especially during the week. On weekends, she's still a day sleeper. So our best shot is usually early morning on the weekend while the kids are asleep and I'm still in bed but close to waking up and she comes to bed. If we're in bed at the same time in this specific circumstance, simply having her next to me or cuddled up with me in bed will usually awaken my libido and we'll engage in sex. Sometimes even then though, she will brush off the attempt (usually because she feels like I'm doing it because she's recently brought up lack of sex or she's found some other reason to be angry with me - often with me unaware that she became angry with me while I slept).
I am at a point where I need help and advice. How to I improve the situation before it gets worse. How do I make our sex life more fulfilling and active? How do I increase my own desire so that it overrides tiredness or other concerns? How do I make sure she knows how HOT I think she is and that I do want her? How do I recover/repair our sex life? Any help or advice greatly appreciated.