Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
For most of our marriage (39 years last July) I could not understand why my wife did not seem to want sex as often as I did. She always got into it once we started and always has a great orgasm but I could never understand why she rarely initiated or even seemed to have a "take it or leave it" attitude at times.
Then I began to understand that the issue was not really a lack of desire but that sex was not at the forefront of her brain like it is mine.
I came across this quote in the book, "The Couple Checkup" (great book BTW)
"About 80 percent of married couples report that the husbands want sex more than the wives do, but some researchers believe this may have more to do with the fact that our culture tends to define desire by the initiation of sex. Debra Taylor and Michael Sytsma found that women experience a receptive type of sexual desire that is triggered once sexual activity begins. They claim that most women will respond positively to sexual advances; they are just biologically less likely to think about it in the first place."
Yep. Not uncommon at all. I'm the exact same way. Too bad there isn't more education about the differences in male sexual desire/response and female sexual desire/response. Women have 10 times less testosterone (the 'lust' hormone) than men do, so often times the rapid physical desire and having sex in the forefront of your thoughts just isn't there a lot of times for many women. They often have to cultivate it.
There's a clinical researcher called Rosemary Basson who has done a lot of research into female sexual response and has been helping dispel some of the myths that were previously purported that both males and females had the same sexual response cycles. That research and learning about how hormones really affect your body are very interesting and enlightening.
If you have a wife who seems to follow this type of pattern, then you start to understand why foreplay throughout the day is really important for them. As well, sometimes the women herself needs to understand that she may be able to be aroused and get in to sex even if she may start out in a more 'neutral' state.
And both partners need to be understanding and accepting that there are differences between them and learn to work with that, rather than just expect their partner to be just like them and feel like something is wrong because they aren't.
The biggest shame is when men get upset that she doesn't initiate, even though she is receptive.
All women aren't the same though. I have my very horny times but I am still unlikely to initiate. I think it is a learned thing more than anything else. Women are the pursued. Men the pursuers. What I do though, is show him affection in terms of touch, kisses and flirting.
But when I'm not thinking sex a lot, I find the above quite true. Posted via Mobile Device
The biggest shame is when men get upset that she doesn't initiate, even though she is receptive.
All women aren't the same though. I have my very horny times but I am still unlikely to initiate. I think it is a learned thing more than anything else. Women are the pursued. Men the pursuers. What I do though, is show him affection in terms of touch, kisses and flirting.
But when I'm not thinking sex a lot, I find the above quite true. Posted via Mobile Device
So basicly men should endlessly pursue their wifes, always take every initiative and meanwhile never get to feel genuinly desired by their wife.
And if men do complain about it they'll get ridiculed(atleast from what I've seen).
It's easy for women to brush it off as unimportant that men always have to take the initiative.
If the roles where reversed, You would not like to take every initiative and always pursue your husband, guaranteed.
Lo and behold, my husband and I are in that 20% where the wife is the major horndog.
My sex drive is slightly higher than his. I initiate almost half the time. I'm into lingerie that ranges from classy to vampy. I love porn, as well as giving and receiving oral.
We are comfortable enough to let loose and enjoy each other....no troublesome inhibitions.
That is what married sex should be like; two adults who love each other, drowning in orgasmic joy.
Last night, we had yet another session that had me screaming.
When my husband has his vasectomy, I am going to gleefully use "We have to get rid of all the sperm!" as an excuse for even more frequent shagging.
Although I do initiate more than she does, she does initiate. Sometimes it is because she is horny, but most of the time it is because she knows I need her to do it. My wife can easily get preoccupied with work and responsibilities. She gets really horny when we are away together (like on our 39th anniversary trip last summer...she wanted it every day). I think that sows another difference between men and women. I find it much easier to compartmentalize things so I can more easily focus on sex. For her, everything is tied to everything, so if there is stuff to do and she is tired from work, she does not think about sex...that is until we get into it. Then she gets going and always has a great orgasm.
They claim that most women will respond positively to sexual advances; they are just biologically less likely to think about it in the first place."
Anyone else experience this?
This described ME for a good 19 years of our marraige. I had a healthy sex drive lurking underneath everything going on in my life, he near ALWAYS got me going and I was passionately into him -orgasms out of this world , no feeling could compare on this earth -- but inbetween these heavenly encounters ... my brain seemed to always be occupied elsewhere ....projects, future goals, kids etc. I do recall being more horny in the middle of the night while he was always sound asleep (half the time I woke him up) --and he was always more Raring in the AM.
I literally NEEDED it once a week though, or I would be coming after him, I never had trouble going for what I wanted -except waking him in the middle of the night, felt a little bad about that. BUt I do remember thinking right after sex....."damn that was good, now I am good for another week". This was just how my mind worked - I was very sexually uneducated- and somewhat repressed in my youth, alot of good girl thinking. We never even talked about sex. Never a word about masterbating, that would have been too embarrasing!
Husband always wanted more but he never really pushed for too much, it was like he NEEDED some que from me that I was "into him", some subtle sign to pursue -go in for the kill. Sad really, cause he could have gotten alot more if he spiced it up a little, or so I think.
When I had a sex drive increase, I went out of my way to pursue him -relentlessly. I felt more like the aggressive man in our relationship. I am not sure how my husband was so passive all of those years, I could NEVER have done that, I would have went stark raving mad !! We come to learn he likes the aggressive side of me, he always loved when I initiated in the past. So it all works great now, wish I had been more in tune with my Sex drive back then.
My libido NOW , I feel, is the exact same as it has been for the 1st 19 yrs of my marraige --and we have ALOT more sex now --cause I am so tuned into....just taking the time for PLEASURE, getting ourselves aroused -each of us allows this every night, every day - pretty near works like a charm.
I feel really stupid for us not going this extra mile back in the day and having as much fun then as we are now.
Within the last few months it dawned on me how much effort and work my hubby puts in for me. My husband meets all my physical/emotional needs and then some. Then I realized how high the sex drive is among men. Since then I've taken the initiative to initiate all our intimate times. Sometimes I'll do this 7 times a week, usually 5-6 times in the week. I hope to continue as long as I can(for the rest of our marriage/life). I've found a way to get myself in the mood very easily. Lately, all it takes is hearing his voice over the phone or him walking past me when he gets home from work. It's been really great for the both of us. I've noticed an improvement in his moods, which were never bad in the first place. Posted via Mobile Device
I've noticed an improvement in his moods, which were never bad in the first place.
Boy this is the understatement. My husband also rarely was in a bad mood when he wasn't getting more, I think it would have been better if he was and I KNEW why -so I could have did something. But he was MORE grouchy with the kids. The more sex a man gets, generally the more happy & fillfilled he will be - how very true it is !! True for us women too, if we are high drivers !
My wife and I have read and discuss that concept and basically both agree.
I'm always ready to go and she isn't always 'on' but with a little touching and kissing she is.
In some ways it's hard to understand -- by that I mean she's always very into it once we're there, and she always climaxes very hard. So when she isn't alway ready to go immediately, I feel like 'How can you forget how much you *love* sex!?"
My wife and I have read and discuss that concept and basically both agree.
I'm always ready to go and she isn't always 'on' but with a little touching and kissing she is.
In some ways it's hard to understand -- by that I mean she's always very into it once we're there, and she always climaxes very hard. So when she isn't alway ready to go immediately, I feel like 'How can you forget how much you *love* sex!?"
I have thought the same thing!! There are times when she REALLY does not feel like it...tired, preoccupied...whatever, but she does it anyway. Then, low and behold, she has a massive, screaming orgasm. It's like, so did you forget how much you enjoy this???
Difference in Desire??? 
