Advice about wife's fantasy
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-09-2011, 05:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Advice about wife's fantasy

This is my first time posting on this forum, but something has come up in my marriage that I just can't let go.

My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and, in almost all respects, we have a very happy and successful marriage. But before we got married my wife told me a lot about her sexual history, including past threesomes. This has always bothered me, but I know that I should have let it go.

So I have been working on it. I have been taking better care of myself and trying to open up more to her, to get her to talk about our sexual relationship. About a month ago, we were out of town and started talking a lot and the past threesomes came up and she started crying because she didn't know that I knew about them because she was drunk when she told me. She is not happy about it and I let it go. But some other things were said that I interpretted as "we need to spice things up". So I have been working on that also, but unfortunately my wife is of the mind, "what is up with your sex drive? Where are all these fantasies coming from? Are you having an affair".

Last week I divulged another fantasy of us making love, and asked her to tell me one. She was shy, and then said that she fantasized about have a threesome, with some other guy's **** in her mouth, while we are making love. This blew me away, because, well, I am just not ready for that. I have been thinking about it and it just doesn't seem like a good idea.

Is what she said out of line? Would others feel free to say this to their partners? I mean, I would never start out with, "I am fantasizing about licking another woman while we are making love." Other statements have been made by her. For example, "It's just more exciting at first when you start dating."

I really want to work with her and spice things up, but is she trying to drop a hint? Should I just ask her straight up?

Bewildered
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

Trite as it may sound to say, you DID ask. You shouldn't have asked if you didn't wan to know the answer.

The thing about fantasies is that they can stay fantasies...you don't HAVE to act upon them unless you both agree you want to. And even if you both agree you want to, you STILL aren't obligated to act upon them.

Case in point: My wife has a fantasy about being with another woman. Coincidentally, I have one about watching two women together (and possibly joining in). I gave her my blessing to indulge her curiosity as long as I at least get to watch, thus fulfilling mine. For a time, she conducted a semi-active search for a woman who fit the bill and agreed to our conditions. Then, after our marital porblems of the past year and a half, she told me that she determined that, while I may think I can handle the reality of her being with another woman, she doesn't think I can, and has stopped looking. The fantasy will remain just that, out of deference to our relationship.
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

You asked for her fantasy, and she gave you that. It doesn't mean she wants it to be reality again. Buy a toy for her down there while you are in her mouth. If you don't want to do that, let her know that you thought about it and it makes you uncomfortable because you have no intentions of sharing her in fantasy or reality. And leave it at that.

If you do act on it, be prepared to hear her say things during the act that might bother you as well.

You're a couple. Talk about it.
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

1) Most fantasies are best left as fantasies.

2) Know you boundaries. Bringing another man into the relationship is complete folly from a practical standpoint in my opinion. You are letting another man be very Alpha dn dominate you with your wife. I don't get the whole cuckold fetish. If it is something you absolutely crave then who am I to say. Plus it completely creeps me out. She needs to understand your boundaries. Going past this one is for the most part not something you can undo.

3) Know her boundaries. Do not push her past her own boundaries. It is one thing to spice things up but you need to not disrespect your partner.

I suggest you be very Alpha with this and tell her that while she fantasizes about this, this is not something you would actually do. You do not wish to share her in anyway with another man. Assuming this is the truth.
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

There can be a difference between fantasy and reality. I think a threesome is a great fantasy, in reality however I think it would have a very negative impact on our relationship so that one just stays as a fantasy. Talking about sex and fantasies has made our relationship and sex life much better. We waited to share these things with each other for years and both regret waiting so long. There are things we share in discussions about fantasies that we wouldn't actualy do for various reasons. Its still very exciting to talk about it.
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

Keep it a fantasy. Introduce her to your friend Bob (battery operated boyfriend) and the two of you go to town on her at the same time.

Don't be suspicious or angry. In the absence of other evidence, let it be a harmless fantasy. Similarly, if you told your wife that you have a thing for Angelina Jolie, I doubt she would start checking your phone records for numbers with a Hollywood area code.
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Wait.....I am confused. Did you aske her what she wants to do in real life or what her "fantasies" are? To me, there is a big difference between wanting to really try things and fantasizing about things. For example, my husband and I both have 3some fantasies but we would NEVER jeopardize our marriage by acting on the fantasy.

You seem insecure about your sexuality with your wife. The fact that she cried when she found out you knew about her threesomes makes me think she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you. She was showing care and concern for your feelings. That is a good thing. Trust that you are enough for her and keep talking and sharing. Your needs for sex and also trust and safety are just as important as hers.
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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If you like penises and you like oral, I think it isn't far off to think about some nondescript guy in your mouth while your h is in you. Who gets to be where might be a matter of what you find more intimate. I can't imagine allowing another man to cum in my mouth for instance. And I can't fathom having another man inside of me. But most of all, if my h wanted me to do any of those things I would feel he didn't want to love and protect me. But I can imagine the mouth thing. I really just wish he had 2.

The fact that she has had threesome would really worry me, too. And it would take a truckload of reassurance for me to believe she wouldn't really like to do it again. I would be very clear that this is unacceptable to you. Monogamy is what you signed up for and anything else would lead to divorce.

There are plenty if ways to introduce new things into the bedroom. Maybe stay away from fantasies and get some toys. Talk can be very scary.
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Old 11-09-2011, 07:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you all for the advice. I know that I did ask her to "tell me one of her fantasies", but I don't think that means no-holds barred. I mean, would it be okay if she asked me the same and I had said, "I think about having sex with your best friend"?

As for her past, I know that is not the real issue. Whether she had a threesome previously is something that can't be changed.

As for the oral, she doesn't really like it. She just has this fantasy, she says.

I am insecure about my sexuality with my wife, otherwise this probably wouldn't bother me. I suppose that I crave an intimacy with her that may not be there on her side. Or, more likely, the intimacy is there on her side but it is more than just sex.

I suppose my insecurity comes in because I've always had this thought that she married me for all the other reasons and that she has settled sexually. This is hard to bring up, and when I have, it only makes me look more insecure.
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

This is what I was looking for. It describes my relationship.

The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

This is exactly what I am doing. Now I just have to do something about it.
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

If you ask about her fantasies you CAN NOT be upset when she answers!

Furthermore fantasies are just that, it's not like she was answering the question "What do you want to do while the kids are at your mom's Friday night?"

If I told my wife "I'd love for Anne Hathaway to suck my balls while I had sex with you," I don't think she'd be offended -- she's know I was a very *normal* guy!

So unless she keeps bringing it up in a way that implies she's expected you to bring in a third, I'd say you're just imagining things and that you have nothing to worry about.

Also, were her 3somes from before the marriage MFM or FMF?
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

Why do you think she settled sexually? Is it something she has said or done? Is it because you entered marriage with less experience? Is it somethin from before she came into your life? Does she have a hard time orgasming or do you? Or any issues in that area?

What did you say when you suggested she settled? What was her response?

Look, I am with you. If my h fantasizes about other women I don't want to know. But you invited this one in. Try to look at the other issues and deal with them on your own and with her.

Remember, to be with anyone is a compromise. Sex is an area that can greatly improve over time. Be surprising. Do the unexpected. Blindfold her. But don't feel like she needs another man when a hot, loving man is right there. Dominate her. Ravage her.

Just try to give her the best of you in all things. That is all you can do. But remember, it is the big picture that matters here.

You'll be ok.
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice about wife's fantasy

The threesomes were BEFORE the marriage. Her fantasy is a FANTASY. Good that ya'll are talking.... but don't over analyse it. Get some confidence in your own sexuality before you start worrying about hers. You've GOT to be comfortable in your own skin....
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrwawa View Post
Thank you all for the advice. I know that I did ask her to "tell me one of her fantasies", but I don't think that means no-holds barred. I mean, would it be okay if she asked me the same and I had said, "I think about having sex with your best friend"?
You really can`t be upset when she answers what you asked.

Did you ever think maybe she was holding back by telling you about the threesome fantasy?
How`s that make you feel?

I envy you in fact as my wife has a hard time telling me any of her fantasies.
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Old 11-10-2011, 02:10 AM   #15 (permalink)
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If you ask about her fantasies you CAN NOT be upset when she answers!
EVERYONE should remember this. A bloke I know answered his wife honestly about what his fantasies were. Told her he fantasised about having anal with her (not with anyone else, just her). She blew her lid, didn't speak to him for a week, didn't have any kind of sex with him for a month, and he feels totally disinclined to discuss sex with her at all, so any problems just get ignored as they grow bigger and bigger.
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