married to a sexual deviant
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-10-2011, 10:05 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default married to a sexual deviant

This isn't exactly a regular sex in marriage type issue, but seems to be the closest fit. I am looking for advice on being married to a sexual deviant.

He will be seeking therapy of course, but I'm not sure how to go about healing our relationship. We currently have no sex life whatsoever.

I basically am completely turned off and disgusted by him b/c of what he has done but I do love him. He has a major issue with dishonesty and probably needs professional help for that too.

I have posted on another marriage forum, but I feel like our problem is out of the realm of a normal marriage issue, and I feel very alone in this problem, with all of my searching I have never found someone else with a similar story. So, if anyone knows of a marriage forum on this sort of thing, I'd love to hear as well. I think I also posted here before about our story but deleted it.

Short story, almost two years ago I found out my husband was taking extreme liberties with me while I was sleeping. He was streaming video of doing lots of sexual stuff to me on the internet. (if you want clarification on anything, just ask)

More story has come out over time, and basically now I think he is being pretty honest and it is an ongoing issue. Unfortunately I found out this was not a one time thing and has not stopped. He says he feels unable to control to himself and is extremely tempted to continue to do these things. He is attracted to me sleeping during all of this, and also having other men see/experience what he is doing.

He also says he fantasizes about having other men actually having sex with me, but he has never asked me to do this (of course I wouldn't) and as far as I know has never really seriously looked into having this happen. I'm not sure if he means with me awake and wanting to do it or what.

So, it's a lot to overcome. I still want my marriage, but I want to just feel normal one day, be able to get over this. I realize this will probably be a life long issue that we will always need to take precautions with, but at least as of yesterday, there is no way he is able to act out these fantasies anymore. At least not with me! He is as of now still sleeping in the same bed with me, but that I may change, however I am being very cautious anyway and know nothing can happen, just the ick factor of still sleeping next to him.

I would love to hear from someone who is or has a spouse struggling with a sex addiction or deviancy and good steps for healing your relationship.
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Old 11-10-2011, 10:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

Have you ever gone to your doctor as to why you can sleep so heavily that you don't wake up when something like this happens? I think that is a big problem in and of itself.

Sleep sex - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yah, what your husband did is totally wrong - I'd even call it spousal rape. Is this still going on? How are you ensuring it isn't still a problem?

And, ask yourself, why are you willing to stay with someone who would treat you like that? I would likely be so spitting mad if this happened to me, I'd be trying every which way to get him charged and he would only see the dust kicked up by my heels as I exited - but that is me as I would have a hard time taking something like this lightly.

I think that both of you need the help of a professional, like a counselor/psychologist. I hope that you both will consider seeking that out.

I hope that you will also seek out your doctor to discuss your sleep issue.

And I hope you will look deep inside yourself and realize that you have value in and of yourself and you deserve better treatment, especially from your spouse.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-10-2011, 10:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

I'm sorry I thought I had included that....I have sleep issues, and have for years.

I have insomnia and am basically chronically exhausted. I fall asleep if I sit in once place too long but do not stay asleep long enough to be rested.

I also am a heavy sleeper when I do sleep....hard to wake me, I don't hear things, and I talk in my sleep, (used to sleep walk but don't think I have in a long time)

So, anyway, I often take medicine that helps me to stay asleep. Otherwise I will sleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours and then wake up for the rest of the night. I don't do it every night but probably 2-3 nights a week on average to "catch up" on sleep. It makes me even more dead asleep, and helps me get past the point where I would normally wake up.

As far as prevention, I'm being very careful with non accessible clothing in bed and being nice and wrapped up (helps that it is cold now right now), and I haven't taken anything to help me sleep (which is not ideal, and I can't do that forever) so I think he would have to work so hard to accomplish anything, it would definitely wake me up. Also the computer he always used no longer has a working webcam so he would have to resort to using his phone or something.
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Old 11-10-2011, 10:41 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

Think I may have responded when you posted previously ...

Huge violation of boundaries.

I don't want to get into the semantics of what does and what does not constitute an addiction, but if your husband cannot control these urges ... then there really is no healing.

I have a very close friend that left her husband over his consistent lying about using pornography. He never admitted to being out of control, that there was anything 'deviant' about the kind of porn that he was aroused by, nor sought out treatment. Basically, he had no desire to let go of his addiction in order to save his marriage.

Sounds like you are in similar circumstances. This is not someone you can trust. End of story.

And as for yourself, you should distinctly be taking steps to avoid being victimized any further. You should be taking a hard look at why you feel compelled to stay with someone whose proclaimed desire is to victimize you further.
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Old 11-10-2011, 10:54 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

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Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Think I may have responded when you posted previously ...

Huge violation of boundaries.

I don't want to get into the semantics of what does and what does not constitute an addiction, but if your husband cannot control these urges ... then there really is no healing.

I have a very close friend that left her husband over his consistent lying about using pornography. He never admitted to being out of control, that there was anything 'deviant' about the kind of porn that he was aroused by, nor sought out treatment. Basically, he had no desire to let go of his addiction in order to save his marriage.

Sounds like you are in similar circumstances. This is not someone you can trust. End of story.

And as for yourself, you should distinctly be taking steps to avoid being victimized any further. You should be taking a hard look at why you feel compelled to stay with someone whose proclaimed desire is to victimize you further.
I think you were right about him until just recently. He has come more clean than ever and really actually wants to go into therapy and has also said he want to tell me when he is feeling this way when before I think he would have just acted on it.

He does want to get better, and I know his life won't improve, with or without me, without him getting treatment. He has taken big steps, he even spoke with Dr. Harley on his radio show (marriage builders) and that is just huge for him. Of course, he still wasn't totally honest then, but doing it at all is amazing. He has since come clean to me and is recognizing what he is thinking/doing is way out of the norm and he needs therapy.

He has a desire to change, and I want to support that. Our issue is getting past the pain of what has been done, and moving forward to make life as normal as possible, while facing the fact that we have to take extra precautions to prevent any further violations.

Writing it out, I honestly say to myself, why am I even with him, but in my heart I know I love him and he loves me. I really don't think I have the battered wife thing going on, I really have sat and thought about it, but I don't know, maybe I am delusional or something.
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Old 11-10-2011, 01:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

I'm sorry I will never understand the whole heavy sleeper didn't know someone was having sex with me thing. I'm not saying it didn't happen or its not possible, I'm saying I don't really understand it. Hope your house is never on fire!

Bottom line, he needs some help. I hope he is able to get some.
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Old 11-10-2011, 03:41 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

Maybe you two could get rid of internet access at home.
It would be tougher for him to broadcast the abuse to others.
If you got rid of anything he could tape it with,
it would be impossible to document it on video.
if you didn't sleep in a room he had access to you ( a locked bedroom, no key for him),
even more so.

He can stop when he has to stop. Period.
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Old 11-10-2011, 03:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

Make him wear a chastity belt when you sleep?
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

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Originally Posted by michzz View Post
You stay because you feel as though you like the guy he presents as himself to you.

But the problem is that he is NOT that guy.

He is a guy that raped you while you sleep and films it.

That he has sold you on his masking is another issue entirely.
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This.
I cannot believe that you are still sleeping in the same bed. Talk about giving an addict access, no matter how clothed you are. How can you sleep next to him and trust him?

This is a huge violation of trust. In fact I would react worse to this than cheating. You now have video of your husband Raping you posted over the internet for all time. I do not care how sorry he is, that is sick.
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

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Originally Posted by trey69 View Post
I'm sorry I will never understand the whole heavy sleeper didn't know someone was having sex with me thing. I'm not saying it didn't happen or its not possible, I'm saying I don't really understand it. Hope your house is never on fire!

Bottom line, he needs some help. I hope he is able to get some.
I wake up often to my husband having sex with me. It's a turn on for me and we agreed it was ok to do, so I have no problem with it. But that's a personal decision that we made.

But I do sleep very heavy so I can believe the OP. If hubs and I didn't agree on this a long time ago, I would be very upset to wake up to this. As it is, I love it...but that's just us.
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Old 11-12-2011, 03:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

To the OP if you don't like it and didn't agree to it, then something needs to to be done. I find that quite disturbing personally.
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Old 11-12-2011, 03:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

Wow - as a female, I also have been violated in many ways, but I can't even begin to FATHOM the horror of having it broadcast on the internet. Especially by my HUSBAND??

Your husband humiliated and degraded you. And really wants to continue...

While your thread contains much shocking information, I really can't wrap my mind around the idea that you're still sleeping in the same bed with him. And dressing to prevent the abuse? Why?

I understand what it feels like to love someone else that much. And hoping and praying the changes are real.

But, at the very least, until you know the changes are real, remove yourself from the danger. I'd be sleeping behind a locked door, at the very least....
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: married to a sexual deviant

I really am on the fence about being in the same room with him. I don't really want to be, but I have not asked him to sleep somewhere else. I am also seriously considering separation just to get my thoughts sorted out. He even suggested a security camera in the bedroom to prove he will leave me alone, but I hate the thought of even having to do something like that. The thought of potentially having to sleep apart from my husband for the foreseeable future is depressing to me. Obviously the whole situation is depressing. And on top of it he admitted to an "almost" affair that happened a few years ago. I had NO idea. Just shocking. When I read it all I understand why people think I'm crazy to want to be with him, it sounds really awful.

I don't see us ever having a normal sex life, ever being able to put my guard down, ever just being a regular married couple again...and yet I can't make the leap towards divorce. It just isn't what I want.
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Old 11-12-2011, 08:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Think there are two compelling reasons you should have him sleep in another room and secure your room or have him leave the house. First, you will be safer, secondly, you remove temptation from him. If he is trying to beat this addiction, it will be easier without temptation. Alchoholics don't go to bars in the initial stages of their recovery for that reason. Moreover, you can get the rest you need in a time of great stress.

I really don't understand what your motives are for not removing him from the room. You have to look at that. It seems to me that a natural and healthy response would be to ask him to leave the room at the very lest or even to leave the house. You did not do that. Instead you go through elaborate rituals to ward him off and deny your self the sleep you need.

The simplest thing to do is to remove him from your room. He already told you he is tempted. The fact that he does not leave is another puzzle. If he sincerely sorry and tempted why not protect you by volunteering to sleep somewhere else. He is making ot more difficult on himself. I have to wonder if he is committed to recovery or waiting for an oppurtunity to ofend again.

You two seemed to be locked in a strange dynamic that may be indicative of your dysfunction as well as his. Ask yourself - who is the adult in this situation? It floors me that you are in the same bed with a man who has violated you let alone still in the same house. Niether of you seem to be thinking clearly. I advise you to take the leadership in this. Protect yourself first by getting him out and away. He will also benifit by being able to concentrate on getting better.
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I wake up often to my husband having sex with me. It's a turn on for me and we agreed it was ok to do, so I have no problem with it. But that's a personal decision that we made.

But I do sleep very heavy so I can believe the OP. If hubs and I didn't agree on this a long time ago, I would be very upset to wake up to this. As it is, I love it...but that's just us.
The only difference is, I am awake by the time the intercourse starts. My husband has woken me up with kisses and caresses in those spots.

The OP is speaking of something entirely different. To be honest, I don't understand why she is still in the marriage.
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