Adababa

I miss having sex. I miss having my husband please me and spend time with me. However, he has somehow lost his interest and waits for me to make a move on him...which frustrates me because it never seems to be the "right time"- or, he just wants to rush through it and be taken care of (he doesn't neglect my needs during the act- but he does act bored when he's taking care of me, regardless of him going first or not).

I tried communicating with him this morning about it...to see what could be going on. His answer? I take too long, so he'd rather not. He exaggerated and said I take an hour- which is far from true. Yes, sometimes I can take up to 20 minutes to please, but an hour is a ridiculous exaggeration. This hurt my feelings and I decided we'd talk more about it later. He'd rather not take the time? Ouch.

I've tried letting him know that in order for me to not take as long to climax, I need to be aroused and turned on. I can't just "jump to it" like he expects. We've been married 5 years- so I know he gets it. When he is taking care of me, like mentioned above, he acts bored and uninterested- yes, that totally gets me going.

I have good hygiene, I always make sure my breath is fresh around him, I workout everyday to maintain a good figure, I shave, I have good skin- I take good care of myself. Not just for him, but for me. I feel sexy when I do these things and I feel confident. Often times out of the blue I'll pin him down and have sex with him- he loves it, and it makes me feel sexy. Sometimes I'll take care of myself in front of him- which he loves as well. But other times I walk away from sex not having climaxed (I don't fake it, so he knows I haven't finished) because I'm worried I'll take too long and I'll bore him.

I guess what bothered me most was his comment earlier. My husband- well, he doesn't take very long. I'm talking a few minutes or less. But I have never ever thrown that in his face because I know he's aware of it- and it would only destroy his manhood. I just want foreplay. I want to feel desired. I want to feel aroused. I try doing many things to myself to prepare and feel sexy, but I want some effort on his part. I know this would improve the whole "me taking too long". But he spends all evening glued to a screen- television, video game, tablet, computer- he even does these things in the bedroom until he's ready to sleep.

Is there anything I can do at this point? Should I just accept the idea I'll always be the only one to make the moves and know that some days I just won't be satisfied? Before he left for work, after his comment, I said, "I'm sorry I'm not worth your time". I know it was a bad move- but it's truly how I felt and still feel.

romantic_guy

This is a hard one for me to answer because I just don't get guys that do not want to do whatever it takes to please their wife sexually. In our case, I am usually the one who wants longer at love play than she does. We are kind of reversed in that way...it usually takes me longer than it does her. And if I do go before she does, I will finish her orally (unless she really does not need it).

But what to do in your situation? Are you able to sit down and explain your needs calmly? Maybe reading a book together would help. One that addresses the overall relationship (including sex) is "The Couple Checkup: Finding Your Relationship Strengths." Another one is "The Guide to Getting It On." We got some good ideas from this.

His premature ejaculation issue can be addressed if he wants to.

The hard part about ay of this is getting a person to understand your needs and getting him to address it. He may not really care.

InFlux

You know there's "three sides" to every story, right? Mine, yours, and the "truth". Unless your husband is a closet homosexual (doubtful) or has "plumbing problems", then the issue here is mental. Obviously, you're sexually frustrated. But you know what? I bet he is too! I bet he's so frustrated as a matter of fact that he views having sex with you as akin to crossing a minefield to get to the candy store. He's probably had various appendages blown-off traversing the minefield before where things fizzled-out in frustration. For sex to be good for a man requires that the man knows the sex is good for the woman. That he is getting her off. There's no greater turn-off in sex then someone that is "phoning it in". I can almost guarantee you guys have problems communicating sexually. That is to say, communicating what gets each of you off. This is very common. Sometimes it has to do with upbringing especially in very puritanical settings where sex is viewed as a "necessary evil" for procreation. If that's the case then it's going to take some "de-programming" to change that mental model so sex becomes more uninhibited/natural/spontaneous (and fun!) It is definitely possible but requires patience, trust, and communication on BOTH sides in a loving and caring environment where you are both encouraging each other about improving instead of discouraging each other. I bet he's so frustrated right now that although he really wants to have sex he has kindof mentally written it off and is actively looking to avoid it as sad as that sounds (which is why he distracts himself with screens, etc.)