While this is not directly a sex issue, I am posting here because I feel it is the #1 thing that disrupts a healthy sex life in a marriage. And this is where I usually post so people in this forum are most likely to know me.
Normally I am good at keeping my shît together these days and avoiding temper tantrums when my wife needs her space and she pushes me away. This past week I completely lost it and went into full out temper tantrum mode and shut down over my wife refusing to just give me a hug (not sex, just a hug!).
Now I am not perfect and I was hurting to a point I let my mood get the best of me and became bitter. I never yelled (even though my wife accuses me of yelling), but told my wife I needed a hug to help me calm down. She said that I can NOT force her to give me a hug, and I insisted that as her husband that I should be able to ask for a hug when I am hurting and really need one. ...three days of this go buy... She finally gives me a hug but makes it a point to tell me, "I do not feel anything with this hug and it means nothing to me!" Well obviously that made me feel worse than nothing and I completely lost it, and told her to get away from me and leave me alone (this time yelling).
I obviously need a reality check here, but I honestly feel like if you are hurting and you and your partner are angry with one another, that asking for a hug is the equivalent of holding up a white flag and requesting a cease fire. My wife seems to insist that asking for a hug when we are angry is NOT OK and that the only thing I can do is calm myself down and just wait however many days is needed until she feels like she can finally give me a hug. She admits she is NOT a huggy person and has never liked hugs. Perhaps she does not like seeing me weak and needy, I don't know... When our argument first started she said she did not want to hug me because I seemed too angry.
Is it seriously NOT OK to ask for a hug when you are hurting emotionally and "admit" you need some help to calm down and feel better?
Badsanta
***** An update to this thread 09-15-2016 *****
Thanks for everyone's feedback on this thread as I realize that the idea of insisting on a hug to defuse an argument is problematic at best. I even got an official opinion from a therapist on this one and was given the following advice:
Badsanta
Normally I am good at keeping my shît together these days and avoiding temper tantrums when my wife needs her space and she pushes me away. This past week I completely lost it and went into full out temper tantrum mode and shut down over my wife refusing to just give me a hug (not sex, just a hug!).
Now I am not perfect and I was hurting to a point I let my mood get the best of me and became bitter. I never yelled (even though my wife accuses me of yelling), but told my wife I needed a hug to help me calm down. She said that I can NOT force her to give me a hug, and I insisted that as her husband that I should be able to ask for a hug when I am hurting and really need one. ...three days of this go buy... She finally gives me a hug but makes it a point to tell me, "I do not feel anything with this hug and it means nothing to me!" Well obviously that made me feel worse than nothing and I completely lost it, and told her to get away from me and leave me alone (this time yelling).
I obviously need a reality check here, but I honestly feel like if you are hurting and you and your partner are angry with one another, that asking for a hug is the equivalent of holding up a white flag and requesting a cease fire. My wife seems to insist that asking for a hug when we are angry is NOT OK and that the only thing I can do is calm myself down and just wait however many days is needed until she feels like she can finally give me a hug. She admits she is NOT a huggy person and has never liked hugs. Perhaps she does not like seeing me weak and needy, I don't know... When our argument first started she said she did not want to hug me because I seemed too angry.
Is it seriously NOT OK to ask for a hug when you are hurting emotionally and "admit" you need some help to calm down and feel better?
Badsanta
***** An update to this thread 09-15-2016 *****
Thanks for everyone's feedback on this thread as I realize that the idea of insisting on a hug to defuse an argument is problematic at best. I even got an official opinion from a therapist on this one and was given the following advice:
I tried that today and it WORKED! But not without my wife first saying, "OK, you and your hugs!"
Badsanta