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Sexual Desert: obese husband

23K views 117 replies 44 participants last post by  VladDracul 
#1 ·
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 years before that. We started having sex a year after dating. We haven't had sex in 5 months now, & I've been going crazy over it for the past 3!! I don't know how much longer I can take!!!

First off, some background: I (the wife) have never been able to orgasm either by myself or with my husband (who is the only man I've ever been sexually active with). I've been told by people that I must have a mental block about orgasming. While we were dating, I know for sure that was the case because I was raised that sex should be saved for married, & in my mind I thought what I was doing was wrong. But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

My husband has always been on the bigger side (lineman in football body type) but he's gained 100 lbs. in the past 2 years while I've remained the same. He is now in the morbidly obese category (6'0", 295 lbs, very little muscle). I know this will sound terrible, but to be honest, his weight COMPLETELY repulses me! I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off. Making love to him physically is like making love to Flubber (the green blob). His boobs are bigger than mine, and I have 34C's!! Talk about a turn-off!! Plus, I feel like his stomach gets in the way of us being successful at trying new sex positions. I feel like he can never go in as deep as he is able to.

He and I discuss everything; we've always had great communication skills. However, in this case, I've probably over-communicated to him in the past how I feel about his body. He knows I find him repulsive physically, & obviously he's not happy about this. I imagine this is the primary reason he stopped asking me for sex 6 months ago. I do everything I can to help him lose weight: I cook all of our meals at home, am SUPER meticulous about the quality of ingredients I buy & any potential allergens that could cause unnecessary inflammation in the body, make his breakfasts each morning & pack his lunches for when he goes to work, and encourage him and keep on top of him when it comes to exercising. He exercises for 60-90 minutes at the gym 4-5 times per week, but still hasn't been losing weight!! I don't know what's wrong with him! I know in the past he's secretly eaten food without me knowing; I know this because he always fesses up to it later & gets all guilty about it and gives me the "I'm determined to change" speech. I've yet to see any results from his supposed "determination". I'm fairly certain he's stopped this eating behind my back because I haven't seen any restaurant charges on our credit cards & I know when he withdraws cash from our bank account.

When it comes to his weight & our sex life, he knows that he needs to shrink in order to improve our sex life. But it seems like that's never going to happen! I mean, he's been trying to lose just 20 lbs for the past 9 months!! Meanwhile, I'm over here getting SOOOO unbelievably sexually frustrated!!! But since I can't orgasm, I don't know if my sexual frustration is more physical or emotional. All I know is that I want to have hot, steamy sex with my husband!! I've resorted to romance novels and movies and tv shows with steamy sex scenes: they're my escape. But then I'll start fantasizing about the actor/character & then I'll start feeling guilty over the fact that the majority of sexual thoughts that arouse me don't involve my husband at all... like I'm mentally cheating on him with fictional characters! Of course, I don't want this to happen & know theres no substitute for the real thing. I want the real thing so badly!! But when I do get the real thing, I want it to actually be good, not another let-down. We're both in our mid/late 20's, and I feel like this is the time in our lives when we should be having the most amazing sex! I mean, if we don't have it now, WHEN will we?!?! Will it ever even happen?!!?

I don't know how to make this happen, though. I want to be a good, understanding, caring, supportive wife who loves her husband unconditionally, but I don't know how else to help him. There's just something about his rolls of fat that I can't get past when we're having sex! For as sexually frustrated as I am, I just see his fat and then am instantly turned off! Doesn't matter how horny I am/was; I see him without his shirt on (or even with his shirt on & his stomach popping out from underneath his shirt and spilling over his waistline) or I'll see him fully naked and instantly go from 100 to 0 on the sexual desire scale.

Side note: outside of our sex life, our normal life and marriage are absolutely wonderful. He is my best friend & I trust him with my life and happiness completely. Now if only the sex would match the rest of our life!

I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
 
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#3 ·
I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

... I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off.
Wow you've got a big problem here. I think you need to take the next step and have a serious talk with him and his doctor about getting him a gastric bypass or sleeve or something. You have a multitude of reasons to do this. The bigger he gets, the more he stretches his skin permanently. Even when you lose weight, it doesn't just go back to the way it was. And, it's not just for you, his health will deteriorate over the years if he continues. And check his Testosterone levels. Higher T levels can help a man build muscle and lose weight faster/easier.
 
#5 ·
Good points. I think this is about more than just the weight gain (but that is an issue that DEFINITELY needs to be addressed).

All these things are tied up together. He can't make you orgasm; this is probably very emasculating for him, because he feels like he is failing to meet your needs. This may be why he's avoiding sex. And yes, I think he's avoiding sex. You don't mention how tall he is; 295# on a tall man with a large frame might be overweight, but it's not going to stop him from having sex. (Trust me, I KNOW.) If he's a shorter man, and/or has a slight frame, this may be more of an issue, but... I have known men who are short and heavier than your husband, and that doesn't stop them from being sexually active.

So I think he's avoiding sex, for a number of reasons. 1) He's embarrassed/upset that he can't make you orgasm. That might be making it difficult for him to get/keep it up. 2) He's self-conscious about the weight gain. He knows that you've noticed it. He knows that you find it repulsive. You may think you're hiding it well, but you're likely not. He knows. And a man who knows his wife finds him unattractive isn't going to initiate sex. 3) Weight gain can cause impotence, because the extra weight can cut off blood flow. So he might be embarrassed/ashamed that he's having problems keeping it up.

You need to talk to him about weight loss, but leave the sex part out of it. Let him know that the weight gain concerns you because of the long-term damage to his health, and that you're concerned the two of you won't be able to grow old together because of this. Not because you would leave him--but because he might die an early death due to health problems caused by his obesity. Tell him you will do whatever you can to support him, but he needs to put in the effort to lose the weight. And you'll need to make sure that he's eating healthy--do it with him, and prepare healthy meals at home. Don't monitor and nag, but encourage. And get him out of the house and moving. Do more active activities together.

Meanwhile, start working on yourself. He'll never be able to make you orgasm if you can't do it yourself. Seek out a sex therapist if you need to, but figure out what you need to get off. And practice it. LOTS. The more comfortble you become with your body, the more quickly you will be able to make yourself orgasm, and this will make it easier for HIM to make your orgasm. And you need to know what you like and what gets you off so you can tell HIM what you like and what you want him to do.

Do all this while he is working on the weight loss. Because once the weight starts to come off, his confidence will come back, and so will his sex drive. It will ROAR back. Exercise increases testosterone, which will put is sex drive into overdrive. And you want to be ready for that. If he finds that you've been working on the orgasming thing, that will likely turn him on even more.

Good luck!
 
#4 ·
The only way he can lose weight is by himself. You can give him all the tools, but he has to determine what he is going to do. If he doesn't, then you really have no choice, you should leave. Don't waste your life with someone who has given up on himself. Not only does he repulse you, but his health will be a factor as well as many other things.

He can't make the promise to you, he has to make it to himself. Tell him to try low carb and put everything he eats into an app that monitors what goes in and goes out. Tell him you won't EVER look at it, but he should. Tell him to put all his sneaky foods in there (he still is sneaking) and then look at it every week. Tell him if he really remembers that Double Whopper he had 3 days ago and if it was really worth it. Or that sundae. Or that apple fritter. Wait, Im getting hungry now...
 
#7 ·
is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
If you CAN'T have an orgasm all on your own and have grown frustrated to a point where you are blaming your husband's weight, this is very problematic!

1) Get a vibrator
2) You use it on your own
3) You use it in front of him
4) Let him use it on you
5) Use it while he is inside you
6) Have simultaneous orgasms together as often as needed
7) Feel great and THEN help him loose weight

Hope that helps!

Badsanta
 
#9 · (Edited)
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 years before that. We started having sex a year after dating. We haven't had sex in 5 months now, & I've been going crazy over it for the past 3!! I don't know how much longer I can take!!!

First off, some background: I (the wife) have never been able to orgasm either by myself or with my husband (who is the only man I've ever been sexually active with). I've been told by people that I must have a mental block about orgasming. While we were dating, I know for sure that was the case because I was raised that sex should be saved for married, & in my mind I thought what I was doing was wrong. But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

My husband has always been on the bigger side (lineman in football body type) but he's gained 100 lbs. in the past 2 years while I've remained the same. He is now in the morbidly obese category (6'0", 295 lbs, very little muscle). If he works out as much as you say he does he should have muscles. I know this will sound terrible, but to be honest, his weight COMPLETELY repulses me! I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off. Making love to him physically is like making love to Flubber (the green blob). His boobs are bigger than mine, and I have 34C's!! Talk about a turn-off!! Plus, I feel like his stomach gets in the way of us being successful at trying new sex positions. I feel like he can never go in as deep as he is able to.

He and I discuss everything; we've always had great communication skills. However, in this case, I've probably over-communicated to him in the past how I feel about his body. He knows I find him repulsive physically, & obviously he's not happy about this. I imagine this is the primary reason he stopped asking me for sex 6 months ago. I do everything I can to help him lose weight: I cook all of our meals at home, am SUPER meticulous about the quality of ingredients I buy & any potential allergens that could cause unnecessary inflammation in the body, make his breakfasts each morning & pack his lunches for when he goes to work, Quality of ingredients, potential allergens, *ding ding ding* DIY nonsense. He needs to be in a REAL diet under doctor supervision. None of that BS means anything unless you are seriously limiting his portions. and encourage him and keep on top of him when it comes to exercising. He exercises for 60-90 minutes at the gym 4-5 times per week, but still hasn't been losing weight!! Are you there when he is exercising? Is he doing fast reps or just messing around? I call BS. I don't know what's wrong with him! I know in the past he's secretly eaten food without me knowing; I know this because he always fesses up to it later & gets all guilty about it and gives me the "I'm determined to change" speech. I've yet to see any results from his supposed "determination". I'm fairly certain he's stopped this eating behind my back because I haven't seen any restaurant charges on our credit cards & I know when he withdraws cash from our bank account. That doesn't mean anything. A food addict can get snacks anywhere.

When it comes to his weight & our sex life, he knows that he needs to shrink in order to improve our sex life. But it seems like that's never going to happen! I mean, he's been trying to lose just 20 lbs for the past 9 months!! Meanwhile, I'm over here getting SOOOO unbelievably sexually frustrated!!! But since I can't orgasm, I don't know if my sexual frustration is more physical or emotional. All I know is that I want to have hot, steamy sex with my husband!! I've resorted to romance novels and movies and tv shows with steamy sex scenes: they're my escape. But then I'll start fantasizing about the actor/character & then I'll start feeling guilty over the fact that the majority of sexual thoughts that arouse me don't involve my husband at all... like I'm mentally cheating on him with fictional characters! Of course, I don't want this to happen & know theres no substitute for the real thing. I want the real thing so badly!! But when I do get the real thing, I want it to actually be good, not another let-down. We're both in our mid/late 20's, and I feel like this is the time in our lives when we should be having the most amazing sex! I mean, if we don't have it now, WHEN will we?!?! Will it ever even happen?!!?

I don't know how to make this happen, though. I want to be a good, understanding, caring, supportive wife who loves her husband unconditionally, but I don't know how else to help him. There's just something about his rolls of fat that I can't get past when we're having sex! For as sexually frustrated as I am, I just see his fat and then am instantly turned off! Doesn't matter how horny I am/was; I see him without his shirt on (or even with his shirt on & his stomach popping out from underneath his shirt and spilling over his waistline) or I'll see him fully naked and instantly go from 100 to 0 on the sexual desire scale.

Side note: outside of our sex life, our normal life and marriage are absolutely wonderful. He is my best friend & I trust him with my life and happiness completely. Now if only the sex would match the rest of our life!

I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
Half the people I know who had gastric bypass surgery lost weight and gained it all back within 2 years. Unless you keep up with water and protein intake and be a portion nazi the surgery will not work. Even with surgery, discipline is the only true effective tool in weight loss.
 
#13 ·
I would say the chances that he is eating junk food that you don't know about are very high. If he is not sneaking food, then something is bad wrong medically if he is eating and exercising as you say...he should be in great shape.

If he can't loose on his own, he should research weight loss surgery.

Now on to you. Have you tried a lot to orgasm on your own? Have you tried a vibrator while you are reading your smutty books? Do you get wet when you are turned on?

I think that you do have a mental block perhaps from your faith. Like you said though, you are married now. Let that go. You "fixed" the error. Do lots of self exploration of your body and I think you will have success. Once you learn it yourself, then you can teach him.

I wish you both the best.
 
#15 ·
I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
Thank you for posting this.
I also have difficulty with the weight and my wife is too nice to tell me like it is.
It's nice (honestly) to see you describe what a fat husband does to your sexual mind. It gives me incentive to keep it off and maybe lose more weight.

I am 6' 200lbs and lost 50. I don't do anything in particular other than eat less and NOTHING after dinner. It IS one of the hardest things to do and you can never be finished. I hope your husband achieves his goal!
 
#17 ·
This is totally on your husband, he has the means to lose the weight but doesn't. I'm kinda going through the same thing. My wife is very overweight and it has seriously affected the marriage. I wonder if overweight people have a higher probability of either becoming or just being LD? Seems that she would rather stay the way she is and keep the marriage in the poor state it is.
 
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#29 ·
Well, he needs to change for himself, not for her. And she needs to only support him in what he's willing to do. If he's serious about losing the weight, then he will get himself to a doctor if he has sincerely tried other things. He could be sneaking or he could have a metabolic or thyroid issue. In any case, it's his job to solve and hers to support him. Now, if he's unwilling then she has new information on which to base a decision.

And as for the sex, I'd say get a vibrator while you wait for him to make changes. He's got work to do, and you have needs. This is an interim phase that you can both get through if you are each committed.
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#31 ·
I've been obese a number of years and have frequent sex. But I don't have a confidence problem. I can absolutely say it is possible to retain weight with a lower calorie intake than you might imagine. I can also say my body tells me to eat; I get hungry. So there are a number if mechanisms at work.

Slower metabolism, bad timing / patterns (work late; eat late; sleep is a common but horrible pattern), stress, lack of sleep, etc all impact your ability to lose weight and keep it off.

I work out with a personal trainer 1.5 hrs a week very, very hard - I've made huge strength gains over the past 1.5 years - but I ONLY lose weight on specific diets and working out only allows me to remain stable. (Btw I also walk several miles a week and do cardio). Got TKD black belt a few years ago but also got close to 295 at 5'8. So activity and weight loss are only correlated at best and not for everyone.

Lost about 40 lbs last winter on a 100% strict high protein, zero added carb (except veggies) diet. Enjoyed a lot of beer this summer ;) and gained 8-10 back but am doing another 4-5 month sprint diet starting sept 1. I'm about 250 now and am shooting for 205-215 for this sprint. I figure I can annually do a sprint and lose over time. I want to retain my muscle gains so there is a balance that I need to achieve.

My point is if you are a certain body type with ingrained habits, bad insulin response, etc you have to make systemic changes to diet and sleep to succeed in weight loss. Lots of water too.

Btw my W makes all my meals and I only supplement at night ;).

So you both have work to do. You need to figure out your body and try to see your H past his body and he needs less body.

Change positions so you are not distracted by his body. Face down, ya know? That's a great way to O for many women anyway and you can manipulate yourself and create whatever imagery you need. We bought wedges to make this very comfortable for her. We vary positions and my weight doesn't interfere with sex. Sex is a 50-90% mental (your results may vary).

Ok and 20 something doesn't mean you should be having amazing sex. Many people, women in particular, take decades to learn their bodies and BECOME good at sex. It is often in your 40s to 60s that you can hit your sexual prime. So don't buy that hype about youth and sex. You are over stressing yourself.

And we just used that cordless hitachi the other night - you should google that and watch some women getting off on it - it's porn but it can be tasteful and you would benefit from seeing women getting themselves off. I think it might remove done of your anxiety about it. And it's sexy as h3ll ;).

Good luck.


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#39 ·
Ok and 20 something doesn't mean you should be having amazing sex. Many people, women in particular, take decades to learn their bodies and BECOME good at sex. It is often in your 40s to 60s that you can hit your sexual prime. So don't buy that hype about youth and sex. You are over stressing yourself.
THANK YOU!!! That's exactly what I needed to hear! I talk to my other married 20 something girl friend & they all talk about how wonderful their sex lives are. I start comparing myself & get really jealous. But perhaps we'll start having a good sex life later in life & once he's decided to lose the weight.
 
#38 ·
I make his protein smoothie for him in the morning, which is about 500 calories. Then for lunch, what I pack him is usually around 400-500 calories. I'll also send him some pieces of fresh fruit or nuts as snacks while he's a work, so an additional 200-300 calories. For dinner, we usually just have a small green salad, which we eat at least 3 hours before going to bed to aid digestion.

For his exercise, he goes to the local gym. I don't have a membership (I hate gyms) so I've never seen him workout. He's very self-conscious about working out in front of me. I think it's because of all his jiggle. I love the outdoors & offer for him to come join me on my hikes or swims, but he says he's not in good enough shape to do that yet & keep up with me. :| He's had personal trainers in the past & done CrossFit, but I didn't notice any significant results from that, and he stopped the personal trainer after 3 months due to finances.
 
#35 ·
Concerning orgasm, I do own a vibrator but still haven't been able to make myself orgasm. I don't use it as much as I used to; that wasn't intentional, I think I just gradually started using it less and less because it didn't do anything for me. Yes, I'm able to get wet & get turned on physically. I don't think it's a medical issue I have, which means it still must be mental. Seeing a sex therapist is not a bad idea.
 
#36 ·
Wow! Thank you for your reply!! I'm glad our situation could motivate you. :) Great job on the weight loss!! You may not discuss weight with your wife, but I'm almost certain she is very happy to have you slimmer & more fit! Plus, like other comments have said, being fitter will lead to a longer & happier life with your wife. Good luck!
 
#40 ·
BTW I burned about 500 cal in a 45 minute workout in if I extend my workout to include cardio I can burn up to 800 cal.so you can't under feed him if he's working out hard, he'll get over hungry then eat too much. Also if he claims he's working out that much (time wise) I question how hard it is actually. Most people I see at the gym don't work very hard and are on their phone most of the time. They're just abating their guilt by going. Meanwhile my shirt is completely soaked through with sweat. So it's not the amount of time, it's the effort


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#42 ·
BTW I burned about 500 cal in a 45 minute workout in if I extend my workout to include cardio I can burn up to 800 cal.so you can't under feed him if he's working out hard, he'll get over hungry then eat too much. Also if he claims he's working out that much (time wise) I question how hard it is actually. Most people I see at the gym don't work very hard and are on their phone most of the time. They're just abating their guilt by going. Meanwhile my shirt is completely soaked through with sweat. So it's not the amount of time, it's the effort
I hope you wipe down the machines and benches after you work out. :wink2:

I doubt H is building a sweat. You a right about getting hungry after working out. Protein drinks (the no sugar added kind) are great to help with that.

He needs more weight lifting and less cardio. That will have him burn more calories even after working out. But he will negate all that with eating cookies or whatever.
 
#43 ·
First time responding to someone else's thread so hope my insight can help a little.

As someone who gained a lot of weight the last couple of years triggered by depression, I can tell you that not every diet works for everyone. I have tried EVERYTHING out there, literally and on most of them I lost nothing or found them too high maintenance to work into my busy life, or, I was able to lose 10-15lbs, hit a plateau, got discouraged and gave up. But the weight would always come roaring right back as soon as I stopped dieting. I went to my doctor asking for bypass surgery and she refused to refer me as I don't have the support system to be able to succeed. I was very discouraged. She did run several tests and turns out I do have a low thyroid, and she also switched my depression med for one that does not have weight gain as a side effect. I had also taken a lot of steroids the past few years for joint issues and these can also cause weight gain and make dieting pointless. I decided the extra weight was more painful for my joints in the long run and decided to refuse steroids going forward unless I am in absolute agony.

Long story short, I'm dieting again and in the last 4 months have lost 55lbs. as of today. I do believe it's important to note that H has never expressed repulsion, although he has expressed concern for my health. It was the health issue that scared me straight. If it helps, I'm using Nutrisystem and it's the first diet I feel I could be happy on forever. I don't have to count calories or carbs, all that work is done for me. I just eat strictly portion controlled meals and as many veggies as I want, and I don't feel like I'm giving anything up. I actually feel great.

I would definitely have him get a complete physical...have his T levels checked, thyroid etc. and have him ask if any meds he takes might cause weight gain/appetite increase.

As for sex, let me say, that though H and I have other issues, over 25 years together our sex life has only gotten better for the most part over time... even the times I was larger. Like others have said a lot of sex is mental. Because I felt sexy and he still wanted sex the weight never stopped us. And I can also attest that as I have aged (I am 46 now) I know a lot more about what I like and don't like in bed, and the longer you are with your partner the safer it feels to try new things and experiment. Like you, I had difficulty reaching O in my early twenties (for me it was due to a past trauma). But, after working through those issues in therapy and exploring myself with and without my husband I not only reach O, but multiple Os. For me it was partly a mental block and partly that it almost always requires clitoral stimulation to get there... Many women are like this. My advice like others have said, is yes to vibrator/hitachi... and be sure to try it on the clitoris as well as vaginally as it may be more effective that way for you. See if your H will do it for you... let him watch you do it for yourself... you get the idea. Enjoy!
 
#45 ·
I would be tempted to follow him to the gym to see if he's actually going. You can't exercise that many hours a week and not change. Likely he is getting snacks from somewhere too. If that's the case, you might be at the point of an ultimatum. Love is ACTION, not words. If he can't put in the effort to be a good husband, he doesn't deserve you.

If he actually is exercising, it's time to see a doctor to work out why it's not working! It's not just your sex life and relationship at stake, but his health and life span (you know this - he has to realize it).

As for awesome sex, I feel like after I had children I knew my body much better and had much stronger full body orgasms. Sex gets better with experience and awareness. Might be time to ebay a range of toys till you work out something that works for you (do this either way, you owe it to yourself to work out the O :) )
 
#48 ·
.....But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

....... I know this will sound terrible, but to be honest, his weight COMPLETELY repulses me! I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off.

.....He and I discuss everything; we've always had great communication skills. However, in this case, I've probably over-communicated to him in the past how I feel about his body. He knows I find him repulsive physically, & obviously he's not happy about this. I imagine this is the primary reason he stopped asking me for sex 6 months ago.

....When it comes to his weight & our sex life, he knows that he needs to shrink in order to improve our sex life.
....
Assuming this is all real, you are your biggest problem. He doesn't want to have sex with you because you have made it clear you find him repulsive and you don't view him as an adequate lover. Very few men would want to have sex with a woman like that.

Personally I would rather masturbate than put up with that. Harsh, yes, but think about what emotional abuse he must feel.

You have made this all his problem with you being the victim. You are part of the problem. I strongly suggest you read the M W Davis book the Sex Starved Wife and learn about what you can do to change yourself and improve things. Your post screams out for your doing a "180."

The only way he can lose weight is by himself. You can give him all the tools, but he has to determine what he is going to do. ...
Absolutely correct.

However, I am reminded of a radio talk show where the female host said it was just about impossible to make a husband loose weight.

A wife called up and said no, it is really easy and she had gotten her husband to loose 60 pound quite quickly.

Since she was his wife, she knew how to motivate him. She sat him down and said she loved him and wanted him to live a long time so the could have lots of fun in retirement, but to do that he would have to take better care of himself. She told him that she would help motivate him. For every 10 pounds he lost, he could buy her any outfit he wanted her to wear in the bedroom. She got some really strange outfits, but the weight came off him really quickly.

Obviously, until the husband feels loved and wants to have sex with the OP, this method won't work. But if she changes herself first, does some 180's, she may be able to provide her husband with some reward or positive reinforcement for "his" decision to loose weight.

...For his exercise, he goes to the local gym. I don't have a membership (I hate gyms) so I've never seen him workout. He's very self-conscious about working out in front of me......
Again IHde90j, you are part of the problem. You need some tough love and introspection.

Every gym I have ever belonged to has had guest limited passes. you can go with him a few times and work out on adjacent treadmills or elliptical trainers. If he is as overweight as you say, then just hand in hand walks in your neighborhood, a park or a shopping mall would be a great start. There are things you can do........if you want to improve things.

You are not a victim, unless you want to be one. If you can't first change yourself, then set him free so he can be loved by a woman who really wants him. Even then to be happy you will need to work on changing yourself.

Good luck
 
#54 ·
@lHde90j

Working out 60-90 minutes, 4-5 times a week, along with reducing the amount of food eaten; will result in weight loss.

I would guess that he is walking on the treadmill at 2 m.p.h., for 30 minutes; then going for a fast food run.

And although you don't necessarily have the best sex life in your 20's; I would say that most people do. Or, it was good in a way that it can never be good again. Lots of erections for a (healthy) guy, *you* get wet really easy (or are almost always wet naturally). When you're in your 20's; that is the best looking that you are ever going to be.

A person might lose weight in your 30's or 40's and look great. That person would have looked even greater in their 20's. There's no substitute for youth.

Your energy levels, physical flexibility, sense of adventure---yes, those things can increase with age----but probably not.


I say these things to you to prevent you from procrastinating; thinking that, "well sex gets better when you get older".

Not necessarily. By the time your husband gets to his mid/late 40's, he'll probably be dealing with some kind of ED due to aging. Your own body won't be "better" in your 40's or 50's---at the very best, you could maintain it, but never improve on it. And if you have kids, your body is going to change.

Take action now, if you want a good sex life.
 
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