priclesspearl

My me ex finally told me 3 years after our divorce. While married, we had many discussions about his self esteem and anger issues. And although I hadn't considered sexual abuse, it ws clear to me that much of his problems were related to his very dysfunctional relationship with his father (who was a total jerk). His telling me was part of the therapy he was going thru before remarrying. He told me "you were right". Acknowledging that to me was part of his treatment as well as acknowledging the damage he caused me and our family. Up until then he had no problems, everything was my fault, and his Dad had nothing to do with anything.

He could get the help he needed for her sake but not for mine or for the sake of our family. He was capable of dealing with it, he chose not to because we were an easier outlet for his pain. Only when he realized that eventually it would quit working with his 2nd wife also, then it worth it to him to get help.

jayde

I haven't read this thread word for word, but this strikes me as the most compassionate thing I've read you that you've posted. And althought I appreciate your words, it's your wife that needs your compassion and love. I've sensed a lot of hurt, pain and anger from you, but IMHO, directing this at your wife is not the way to deal with it. And you've stated that you are aware of how to deal with such things so I will not be so condescending to reiterate here.

Yes, she does need to deal with whatever she has experienced in order to be healthy, but she really needs to be doing this for herself, foremost - and doing it in her way that works for her. For me, 30+ years later, I still have nightmares from time to time - over which I have ZERO control. And for someone suffering from more traumatic experiences than I had, I could imagine what must happen beside bad dreams.

Mandating, insisting, expecting, demanding that she 'takes responsibility' so that she can get better so that YOU are happy, just strikes me as bordering on cruel.

And, I don't mean to negate your feelings or needs - these are real and you deserve to be happy too. I just strongly disagree with the approach/attitude.

I wish you both all the best.

Catherine602

It is probably challenging for anyone who has had years of emotional battering and is a sensitive enough man to internalize his wife's judgement and come out of it with the wherewithal to be emotionally supportive.He has suddenly been released from a prison created by his marriage, he is not likely to have much sympathy for the jailer. They both need compassion and gentle loving care but at is point , neither of them have enough to give anything.

A therapist with experience treating adult abuse victims bad their spouses is need to help them.

Just as an aside- It is a pity that the anger in this relationship is directed at the two victims and not the perp who did this to her, nor any anger directed, nor any exploration of where he is and if it is possible that their are other victims or if he is still affending.

This seems to be the way of CSA - the burden of prevention and punishment is shouldered by the innocent. CSA is one of the only crimes in which the perp is almost guaranteed not to suffer any consequences. I wish some of the anger was transformed into a campaign to rid society of this horrible crime. The percent of women who have a history of some type of sexual abuse is 35 - 45 %. That is an astounding statistic and has increased dramatically in the last 15 yrs. I wonder what role it has on the increasing prevalence of sexual problems in marriage.

It probably would help the wife immensely is someone showed an interest in who and where the abuser is and to attempt to inform and prosecute expecially if he is in a place where he can still abuse. Also who else did he abused and have they been treated. That is one reason that the victim finds it is so difficult to tell because the perp is not targeted or even questioned.
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Thor

I don't insist she should have gotten therapy in the past, nor now. She has no obligation to "fix herself" on any way for my happiness. My position is that an adult has no right to withhold important information from a spouse nor to allow harm to come to their spouse in order to avoid facing their own issues.

The way to have dealt with it would be:
A) tell the fiance before the wedding
B) tell the spouse when nightmares or other problems crop up. SEEK SUPPORT from her spouse.
C) admit to herself and seek therapy or other support when she thinks the psych effects are affecting her family.

If none of that is possible for her she should either not get married or end the marriage when she becomes aware that she is harming others yet cannot seek help for her issues.
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Thor

My wife will not reveal specifically who it was. She would have to ask her parents and will not reveal her CSA to them. I have great anger at the perp because he harmed someone I love and he harmed me. He also harmed my kids (indirectly).

There is nothing I can do to find or punish the perp.
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Thor

Every person has their own circumstances.

My wife is a Ph.D. Psychologist. She has academic training in this area though it is not her specialty in practice. She was required to get therapy as part of her grad program but did not bring up CSA. We have always had adequate resources to get therapy. She refused marriage counseling numerous times when I requested it. She did not want me to mention it in therapy when I made an IC appointment.

She stated that the psych side effects of the CSA impacted her sexuality and her ability to achieve emotional intimacy or trust. She was aware of at least some significant impacts on our marriage as it was happening.

There comes a point when reasonable excuses have been exceeded and a person is simply avoiding.
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JustAMan2

I'm afraid you have not walked in my shoes. You see, for 23 years of our marriage this all was "my fault" according to my wife. She was normal, I was not. As it turns out the exact opposite is true. During those 23 years when she refused to be honest with me she did a LOT of damage to our marriage.

I don't think it's unfair or cruel to insist that she now "own up" and take responsibility AND HEAL. It's what adults do. All the words in the world (promises) mean nothing at this point. Action is what counts.

Hurt? Anger? Pain? Resentment? Yes, I freely admit that I have all those feelings. You would have to be heartless monster not to after 23 years of this type of marriage.

As I said in an earlier post, I am NOT equating what happened to my wife (as an innocent child) with what she has done to our marriage and me as her husband. The two don't come close to comparison. She had NO choice when the jerk abused her. She didn't have any options as a child, with only a child’s ability to deal with what was happening to her. I was an adult when I married. I COULD have walked away from the abuse I suffered in our marriage. I could have just "checked out" and had a marriage like her parents do. But, I do love my wife. She has many, many fine qualities that I admire and respect. I want the best for her and for me.

BUT...sex and intimacy is CORE in a marriage. Without it the marriage is dead. My wife blamed it all on me. Just as surely as she was innocent as a child, so was I in our marriage. I'm not claiming to be the perfect husband, but I was and still am a really good husband and not just by my own reckoning.

Do you really think that a spouse such as myself or Thor can just "put down" all the hurt, anger and resentment after years and years of lies and deceit and being used as a punching bag?

Come on. You know better!

I know that I need to be there for my wife--and I am. You really have NO idea how many times my needs take a back seat to hers. I'm talking about right now. She has healed in some ways, in other ways she is very, very "stalled out" right now. I am doing what I can to help her heal--but by in large the ball is in her court.

But even if she does start healing again, that does not make my anger and resentment just "go away" like magic.

So, I come here to vent. I come here to warn others. Look at my marriage. Look what keeping this secret does not only to yourself, but to your spouse and your marriage and in the case of Thor, the children.

I come here to get perspective, which I desperately need in this process. I come here to get encouraged.

But..mostly to warn others of what keeping things like this to yourself in your marriage will do. To YOU and to your spouse. The quicker you start healing, the less anger, frustration and resentment there will be in your spouse. These are terrible road blocks in a marriage. and to healing. The quicker you get started, the better. In many, many cases it goes too long and the marriage goes past the "tipping point". The innocent spouse can no longer summon the love and compassion to help the CSA victim.

Thank you for your sincere wishes for us and our marriage. I know we have a long, long road ahead of us.

JustAMan2

Catherine, what I have bolded above in your quote is very, very powerful to me. It says in a nutshell what I am feeling. The "prison term" however is not complete for me. I now willfully submit to more "time" but can only do so if I see regular progress with my wife and her healing.

The prison for me is our marriage that has failed on the most basic of levels. Oh, yeah, we are still TOGETHER. But the relationship has failed on many, many levels. Neither one of us are getting our needs met by the other (but we are getting a little better--although she is stalled out right now). The root cause of this (by in large anyway) is my wife's failure to reveal her CSA when she should have--very, very early in our marriage.

It would have been so much easier back then. I would not have all my feelings of anger, frustration and resentment to deal with on top of trying to help her heal. It really compounds the difficulty of the healing process.

You are right about the perpetrators of CSA mostly getting off free. My wife's abuser intimitated and terroized her severely.

But, he got his. He was killed in a hit and run "accident". I say "accident" because the local authorities took a "we're better off without him" attitude and really didn't look very hard for the driver of the car that killed him. I suspect some other little girls father was told of his abuse and took care of it in his own way AND that the authorities knew he was a pervert. If it had been my little girl, I'm not sure I would not have done anything differently.

I have offered to go with my wife to his grave and spray paint "Child molester" on his stone--I know that seems childish, but if it will help her heal I'm up for breaking a few laws.

She can't "confront" him. I thought this might be a way she could. She may still want to some day. Eventually she needs to forgive him to heal completely, but that day is a long ways off, I fear. She has to go through all the stages in her own time.

Locard

Hell yes a spouse absolutely should tell before.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

After reading this thread and pondering over it for a few days, I just may break down and let my husband know. I'm not quite sure when and how, but the intention is there. I'm completely over it and have been for years.

One of the main reasons for not telling him is that it was blocked out of my memory for years. This incident has not effected my marriage or sex life whatsoever. My husband and I have a wonderful intimate sex life. We make love several times a week. It's a fabulous gift between my husband and I.

I'm not quite sure how he will react. This is not a pleasent subject at all. I don't want him pondering over this in the back of his mind constantly. I do not want him looking at me differently. I do not want our sex life/making love to change. My husband IS my best friend. We have a very strong bond with each other. I have completely healed, but not forgiven the guy who did this to me.

The only way this has effected me now is how I raise my children. I keep a watchful eye on them 24/7. I know where they are at all times. We meet every single parent before we decide if they are decent enough to let our children stay a few hours, that includes my 17 year old as well. I'm a very strict parent. I do carry a little resentment towards my mother and wonder why she did not keep a better watchful eye when I was younger. She claims to be the "perfect" parent. Nobody is perfect. My mother tells me that I need to let my girls have more freedom. Only if she knew the real reason.
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Thor

IILWMH, I admire your courage.

How will he react? There is no way to know. It sounds like he loves you very much and you have a good marriage, so that is a very good starting point.

I went through a whole range of emotions, and still do 4 months later though it isn't nearly the wild ride it was at first. Remember that for him it is NEW news not something from decades ago like it is for you.

I initially felt deep sadness for my wife that she went through the terrible experiences as a young child. I also felt great sadness for all the years that she suffered silently. We had a lot of marital problems through the years, and so I have mourned the loss of all those years for both of us.

Expect your husband to feel a lot of sadness.

I also feel more love for my wife. I think it is an intimacy thing, where she has told me something very personal and difficult.

In my case there was also a big sense of relief that so many unexplainable things over the years now made sense. Without knowing you in person I can't say if it will apply to you at all. One thing I noticed about my wife was a strong drive to lavish the kids with stuff and perfect family events. She internalizes this far more than necessary. Not that it is crazy or even harmful, but now I understand it. Just like your protectiveness isn't crazy or harmful, but your husband may feel that it has been a bit more than average. Expect that he may make some spontaneous comments about how some things now make sense.

Don't take any of this personally! Remember that he loves you and he still will.

I have never had a thought about my wife being dirtied, shameful, or anything else due to her abuse. She was a victim. Period. Whatever was done to her and no matter what kind of blame she may put on herself, I only see her as a victim of a sick adult. She is not diminished in any way in my view. Certainly I do not in any way see her as less sexually. I do not think about what may have been done to her when we are having sex. In other words, I am not sexually repulsed in any way.

This is nothing, NOTHING like thinking about her as an adult being consensually sexual with her previous lovers. No man likes to hear his wife talk (fondly) about previous lovers. Yes we feel jealousy and never want to think about another man being sexual with our wife or our wife doing sexual things to another man. Abuse is NOTHING like this. Whether it is childhood abuse or rape as a teen or even some kind of sick abuse in a marriage. I hope this makes sense to you.

I obviously have some anger. First and by far the largest it is at her perp. He must have been a sick twisted sorry excuse for human slime to abuse a young child. His evil harmed her and I am sure many other young girls. His evil has touched the lives of many loved ones of the direct victims. I have had violent thoughts, especially in the early weeks of knowing about the abuse. I would never act on the thoughts, but the anger was real and it still is though not nearly as volatile.

In terms of my wife not telling me before, it sounds like your marriage and situation is very much better than mine. I definitely feel betrayed. Obviously as this thread shows I am angry at her because a lot of damage was done to me, to us, and to her by her secrecy. It sounds like that is not a worry for you.

But I also feel betrayed as a husband. It is my JOB to support my wife and to help her through anything no matter how tough. If I could somehow take the burden from her I would in an instant. I just want to hug her all the time to show her my love and my desire to help her in any way possible, though I know that it would not be taken in a positive way if I hugged her every time I wanted to! She actually apologized for "dumping all this" on me. It is in no way dumping on me! It is my responsibility and my desire to take on the difficult stuff. Men are dragon slayers, we want to take on the challenges and kill them.

So expect your husband to feel some sense of sadness, disappointment, or perhaps even betrayal that you never told him before. This is out of his desire to be your support and protector, not out of anything else.

I don't feel any need to know details of what happened during the abuse. Other men I have talked to in person or read on forums say the same thing. But if it helps my wife to tell then I want her to tell me, no matter how ugly or difficult it may be to hear the details. So imo you should feel free to divulge as much or as little about the actual events as you want to insofar as it helps you.

I have to run now, but if you have any questions for me I would be happy to answer them. Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving.

Patricia B. Pina

You are pushing her.
Don't push people to talk.
Show her that she can trust you first.

Thor

A couple of other thoughts. First, it has to be safe for him to tell you how he feels and what his thoughts are. You have to be ready for this or else you should not tell him yet. I can only give you my personal thoughts on this, and as you can see from my posts I do love my wife and want only for her to be happy. But it isn't easy to find out that she has suffered such a trauma. If you don't feel you can handle your husband telling you how he feels about it, you shouldn't tell him yet.

Also, there is a good online support site at aftersilence.org. There are forums private only to those who identify as being an abuse survivor. You can chat with other survivors to learn what they have experienced with revealing their abuse to a spouse. I hope that your husband will feel about you and the abuse the way I and JustaMan2 do, but the other survivors over at aftersilence can perhaps give you a fuller perspective.

Thor

Can you explain this more?

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Thank you for your support. These last 13 years(married 12) my husband has given me nothing but love, support, friendship, companionship, understanding, patients, ect... The list could go on forever. I broke my neck just over 3 years ago and he has done nothing, but support and help me through this. Luckily I can walk and still use my legs, but not long distances. The pain is horrid and he has always stood by my side with love. I recently written him a letter thanking him for everything he has done and for being such a fabulous father to our children. My husband and I are emotionally and physically connected on every level possible. I'm a very lucky woman to have him in my life. I do whatever I can to fulfill his needs. He certainly deserves the best!
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