Good sex without orgasm? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #106 of 126 (permalink) Old 10-29-2016, 12:48 PM
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I have had g-spot O's too (but only in combination with rubbing my clit and PIV)... and you are so right, they are fcking amazing. Though it has happened only by chance, and more often than not, because of a dild0. He tried many times by fingering and never could get it to work. I always described g-spot o's as running up the hill and instead of cresting the hill and going over and going back down the other side (like ordinary o's), I stay up on that hill continually and keep riding the wave until one of us tires out. It's a high that you don't come down from. And given the right circumstances, it can make me squirt, though with a PIV, it's obstructed. But you know when it's happened because the ejaculate is so different from vaginal secretions.
Excellent description of running up a hill and then never coming down. With gspot O's I can stay on top of the hill forever basically. I do also ejaculate from it, which can also go on forever. This only reliably happens from being fingered but once in a blue moon it can happen from PIV or anal.

It is not always preferred or practical to stay on top of that hill forever though. But fun to see how long I can stay up there sometimes. There is a risk of becoming suddenly dehydrated however.
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post #107 of 126 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:45 AM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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My wife and I have both learned that while she can enjoy sex on occasion without an orgasm that, over time, if she cant regularly have orgasms she will become very frustrated. This results in her having zero interest in orgasm-less intercourse and her frustration can reach levels where it impacts her far beyond just in the bedroom.
So for her anyways having orgasms is very important.
Wow. This statement perfectly describes me (genders reversed). I have acquired a sexual dysfunction making orgasm almost impossible and the frustration overshadows sex every time now. However, sex can still be good without it, but I would say, it is far less satisfying without the orgasm and the satisfaction does not last long without orgasm. That is probably because without orgasm, there is probably a diminished release of oxytocin. Recently, my wife tied me to the bed and had her way with me. It was great fun for us, but it still leaves me wanting without the orgasm. Frustrated...

Coming from someone that has largely lost the ability to orgasm, I would say to everyone that you should cherish every orgasm you have. To me it's not just the cherry on top of sex, but the cherry on top of life itself...
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post #108 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

Wantshelp, I really feel for you. It must be very difficult to be sexually aroused and not be able to finish. Hopefully your prognosis is good and you can figure out a way to overcome this.

Id like to gain as much empathy for my wife as possible (I try hard to understand her frustrations). Can you offer any advice to a spouse of one who isn’t able to climax and gets frustrated with any sexual contact? One difference is that my wife doesn’t have a medical condition. She has been able to have orgasms in other relationships and can when she masturbates (although for her orgasms from manual or oral sex are described as ‘good’ they are a lot different then from PIV. She almost describes them as foreplay but she still needs to finish with PIV).

Given the choice would you prefer the ‘bed-tying, passionate no-orgasm sex’ or would it be better if she never got you started? I think I know the answer for my wife, but she’s good about trying to meet me in the middle and consider my ‘needs’ as well. I guess I just want to make sure Im being considerate enough.
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post #109 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 01:47 PM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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Wantshelp, I really feel for you. It must be very difficult to be sexually aroused and not be able to finish. Hopefully your prognosis is good and you can figure out a way to overcome this.
Thanks.

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She has been able to have orgasms in other relationships and can when she masturbates...
Do you ever watch her masturbate? To see where she prefers to be stimulated?

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Given the choice would you prefer the ‘bed-tying, passionate no-orgasm sex’ or would it be better if she never got you started?
I would definitely want the 'bed-tying, passionate no-orgasm sex'. What's the point of living if you're not even trying anymore... For me after sex, instead of being thrilled, relishing the pleasure of orgasm, I feel totally crushed that I didn't have an orgasm. But, to keep from discouraging my wife, I have to hide how I feel. I usually tell her that "you were so close, I know we can get there next time." Then she'll ask if she could have done anything differently and I'll usually have nothing to offer, because I don't know what works. But, what I always LOVE is giving my wife big orgasms. When I see her have an orgasm, it reminds me of how great it feels and it doesn't depress me. It's really uplifting.

But, what I would really appreciate is if my wife would be creative about different sex ideas that incorporate some aspect of suspense and initiate them. I think doing things to me while blindfolded or being tied up helps build excitement. Excitement is an important factor to a good orgasm for me. Also, I appreciate that she learns what I like and don't like and tries to expand on that.

I think it's important not to give up. Expressing your sexual desire for a partner that is struggling with sexual dysfunction is helpful.

Hopefully that makes sense.
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post #110 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 05:10 PM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

[QUOTE=wantshelp;16812330]
I don't know how long you've been "stuck" in this situation and I don't have much good advice to give but I have far too much experience of this situation and predict that it's not going to end well.
Can the two of you manage to have a conversation about sex? It sounds like you have trouble expressing your desire for what you want, even when is something as non-specific as more S-exploration and your partner has no innate desire to find what it is that pushes you over the edge.
My frustration at my identical situation led me finally telling her to stop everything. It just became too much. The imbalance and her lack of care at our dwindling intimacy led to resentment. The most we do together anymore is fight. Your situation is not OK, it will not change or improve, it will not be OK in the long run. Maybe together you two still have time to change it and save your relationship. It's something that may only be achieved by BOTH of you working on the same wavelength towards common goals, otherwise it WILL fail. As to my relationship of 24+ years I'm expecting the big "D" to be the end of it, be that Death or Divorce I no longer hold any hope of Difference.

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Last edited by 1RedKing; 11-04-2016 at 05:25 PM.
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post #111 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 05:49 PM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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I put them at ease by mentioning some kinky stuff other women asked me to do so by comparison, theirs looks tame.

Total turn-off.
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post #112 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 04:13 PM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

Wantshelp, thanks for the responses.
My wife is pretty open about sex and has always been transparent about the fact that she masturbates although she does downplay the frequency or the fact that she uses toys. She has a couple of (very) large toys that she likes to use and I think because her affair partner was very large she doesn’t like to admit to using them. However, while she is open to talking about masturbation she doesn’t like doing it front of me. She did a bunch of times, earlier in our marriage and she could sometimes reach a climax but she would complain that the orgasms weren’t very good. Not as good as a when she did it on her own and certainly not like sex. So her masturbating isn’t something that we do anymore.
I can understand why you enjoy giving your wife orgasms so much. Im jealous.
Thanks
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post #113 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 04:11 PM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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I don't know how long you've been "stuck" in this situation and I don't have much good advice to give but I have far too much experience of this situation and predict that it's not going to end well.
Sex dropped off rapidly once we were married. In the year immediately before marriage, it was around 150 times/year. We had so much fun, I wanted to be with her and continue for the rest of my life! Then, once married it went to about 25/year (about twice a month). Then the last 4-5 years it was 6-8/year. I've been getting progressively more miserable and resentful as time went on.
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Can the two of you manage to have a conversation about sex?
We do talk about sex, and have done so in counseling for the past 2 years now. But I am fully aware of her limits.
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It sounds like you have trouble expressing your desire for what you want, even when is something as non-specific as more S-exploration and your partner has no innate desire to find what it is that pushes you over the edge.
Yeah, expressing what I want is tough. She believes that I just want sex to scratch an itch. That it's what all men want and she was raised to keep men in check and to never let a man "use" you. After 15 years of patience and trying to establish an unshakable trust as her husband, I have completely failed. She does not trust me, nor is she interested in sex unless she can't have it. I failed because I think she will never trust a man after being taught in Catholic school and at home that sex is bad/gross/only ****s do it. Recently, she has wanted me to show interest in sex, but I think it's because she is afraid I might initiate a divorce. I think she wants to be reassured that I still love her and want her. Essentially, she wants to keep stringing me along. But, the resentment has made her unattractive to me. I am not even aroused at all anymore when she is naked.

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My frustration at my identical situation led me finally telling her to stop everything.
I believe we (and others both male and female) are actually victims of "sexual neglect". IMO, this is as much a breaking of the marital bond as adultery. I frequently think this needs to be talked about in society. I feel like it's a problem that few people talk about publicly. Here is a quote I read on the web that has relevance:

"In the same way, a “faithful spouse” is not defined only by what he/she does not do. A faithful spouse is just as much determined by what he/she does. Marital faithfulness is proactive, not simply prohibitive. Just as much emotional devastation can occur by sexual neglect as with adultery. Research has consistently demonstrated that happy marriages are sexually active marriages and that sexual fulfillment influences all facets of the relationship including romance, conversation, recreation, trust, and acts of kindness."
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post #114 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

Sinner, your description of a g-spot orgasm was almost identical to how my wife explains it to me. I know she has been with partners who can give her PIV orgasms. She has described these to me as almost like a 'rolling orgasm' and with the right partner it can just keep going and going.
From what I know she is virtually a completely different person in the bedroom in situations where she can have these types of orgasms and when she can't.
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post #115 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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Sinner, your description of a g-spot orgasm was almost identical to how my wife explains it to me. I know she has been with partners who can give her PIV orgasms. She has described these to me as almost like a 'rolling orgasm' and with the right partner it can just keep going and going.
I gave my wife, what was clearly the biggest orgasm of her life last night. I used the womanizer on her clit, while giving her PIV. It was amazing. Her g-spot was aroused and I was able to stimulate there and the clit with the womanizer simultaneously. But what struck me about your comment was the "rolling orgasm". She similarly described it as multiple orgasms in waves. I tried to last as long as I could, but when she is having an orgasm it's hard for me to hang on and not ejaculate. I have given up hope though that giving her great orgasms will make her want to have sex more... It just doesn't seem to change her desire for me.
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post #116 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 12:08 PM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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I have given up hope though that giving her great orgasms will make her want
to have sex more... It just doesn't seem to change her desire for me.
Yeah, I am not convinced one goes hand in hand with the other. I guess on the other side, giving her meh or no orgasms will likely reduce her desire.
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post #117 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 07:07 AM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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Yeah, I am not convinced one goes hand in hand with the other.
I agree.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #118 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 07:19 AM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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I agree.
I just saw a pig fly outside my office
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post #119 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:19 AM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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Yeah, I am not convinced one goes hand in hand with the other. I guess on the other side, giving her meh or no orgasms will likely reduce her desire.
I appreciate this perspective and can't argue with it. So with my wife I cant know for sure that if I was able to give her orgasms then we would have a good sex life however I do know that the fact that she doesnt have PIV orgasms when we have sex that this definitly causes her to not be interested in sex.
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post #120 of 126 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: Good sex without orgasm?

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I appreciate this perspective and can't argue with it. So with my wife I cant know for sure that if I was able to give her orgasms then we would have a good sex life however I do know that the fact that she doesnt have PIV orgasms when we have sex that this definitly causes her to not be interested in sex.
My W has difficulty with PIV orgasms so if that is the end goal we approach differently (still have plenty of PIV, but also lots of 4play, oral, and possibly use of toys). Now, do I think that having Os (no matter the quality) has increased her desire for sex, not necessarily. Sorry, I haven't read your whole story, is your W against achieving orgasms with you via non PIV methods?
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