How Often?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-16-2011, 03:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How Often?

This is an open question to all married couples in their mid to late 40's.

How often do you have sex with each other? Is it always in bed 'with the light off' or is it sometimes spontaneous on the kitchen table?

I'd be interested to know as I suspect my wife and I are way below average...at like 1-2 times a month!!

Thanks
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

Are you asking because you are unhappy with the quality/quantity of sex with your wife?

And, if so, is she aware of that fact and also unhappy and therefore willing to work at it with you?

My H and I are in our late forties, kids all still at home and it can be difficult to up the frequency and spontaneity. For one thing, the lifestyle with teens up late and little kids getting up early, can be difficult and for another - there can often be some health stuff that starts changing during that time - women start to go through perimenopause/menopause, men can start to see some changes in their energy and libidoes too.

BUT, if you BOTH are willing, you CAN make it work. That is what my H and I do - we are both willing, and we both make each other a priority.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

There was another thread started recently on this topic: How often do you?.

My wife and I have averaged a couple times a month over the course of our 27-year marriage, with a few droughts of up to a couple of months. Since August we have been making love about once a week, sometimes twice. Most often we do it after the kids are in bed, late at night, with low or no lights. She needs to be completely relaxed to enjoy it and the thought that we might be heard by our youngest (13), who sleeps down the hall, can keep her from enjoying it completely. It almost always happens on the weekend rather than during the week. I think that's related to jobs, kids, and general stress levels during the week. Sunday nights tend to be THE night when we are most likely to make it happen. I believe that is related to the unwinding that occurs during the weekend along with the chance to spend more time together and the fact that our youngest has to be in bed early for school the next day. If we don't do it during the weekend, it almost never happens during the week that follows.

For my part, I have always had a higher libido and, though she knows I would like to have sex more often, with all of the obvious hindrances (school-age kids, demanding jobs, and plain old aging) it doesn't seem like it's ever possible for us to ramp up the frequency dramatically. Another possible factor is that my wife has been on medication for about 7 years that can reduce libido. To be honest, however, since we've never been the "every night" types, it is difficult to know if that has had an impact.

As a result, I frequently took matters into my "own hands" to help manage my frustration level. She recently expressed that she didn't like the fact that I was doing that--she felt it was taking away from my desire for her. While I don't think that has ever been the case, I agreed to go "cold turkey." The recent modest uptick in our activity has been good, but I am still left feeling anxious much of the time. About a week ago I told her that if I was to continue giving up my relief valve I would need more than once a week sex (especially if it slipped into less than once a week, which almost happened a couple weeks ago). One thing I told her is that I thought we both needed to think of our sexual relationship as a priority and not something we get to do if there's time and opportunity left over. She listened and seems willing work with me to find a happy medium. One recent result is that we actually had mid-week sex last night! Will we ever reach a point where both of us are completely in sync? I don't know, but I've decided I will no longer be complacent about my needs and I hope to create a stronger connection so that I can better understand how hers have evolved and are continuing to evolve.
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

Quote:
Originally Posted by aaroncj View Post
There was another thread started recently on this topic: How often do you?.

My wife and I have averaged a couple times a month over the course of our 27-year marriage, with a few droughts of up to a couple of months. Since August we have been making love about once a week, sometimes twice. Most often we do it after the kids are in bed, late at night, with low or no lights. She needs to be completely relaxed to enjoy it and the thought that we might be heard by our youngest (13), who sleeps down the hall, can keep her from enjoying it completely. It almost always happens on the weekend rather than during the week. I think that's related to jobs, kids, and general stress levels during the week. Sunday nights tend to be THE night when we are most likely to make it happen. I believe that is related to the unwinding that occurs during the weekend along with the chance to spend more time together and the fact that our youngest has to be in bed early for school the next day. If we don't do it during the weekend, it almost never happens during the week that follows.

For my part, I have always had a higher libido and, though she knows I would like to have sex more often, with all of the obvious hindrances (school-age kids, demanding jobs, and plain old aging) it doesn't seem like it's ever possible for us to ramp up the frequency dramatically. Another possible factor is that my wife has been on medication for about 7 years that can reduce libido. To be honest, however, since we've never been the "every night" types, it is difficult to know if that has had an impact.

As a result, I frequently took matters into my "own hands" to help manage my frustration level. She recently expressed that she didn't like the fact that I was doing that--she felt it was taking away from my desire for her. While I don't think that has ever been the case, I agreed to go "cold turkey." The recent modest uptick in our activity has been good, but I am still left feeling anxious much of the time. About a week ago I told her that if I was to continue giving up my relief valve I would need more than once a week sex (especially if it slipped into less than once a week, which almost happened a couple weeks ago). One thing I told her is that I thought we both needed to think of our sexual relationship as a priority and not something we get to do if there's time and opportunity left over. She listened and seems willing work with me to find a happy medium. One recent result is that we actually had mid-week sex last night! Will we ever reach a point where both of us are completely in sync? I don't know, but I've decided I will no longer be complacent about my needs and I hope to create a stronger connection so that I can better understand how hers have evolved and are continuing to evolve.
Good for you!

Another option for your 'release valve' is to have your wife give you a HJ, or even just lay down TOGETHER holding each other while YOU masturbate. My H and I have done this many, many times when I was 'out of commission' for one reason or another. You still get 'release', but you are making it intimate involving both of you - and side benefit - it can often put the lower drive person 'in the mood'. You might see if she would be willing to try that with you.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

A little older so I hope you don't mind if I answer, but I am 56, my wife 55 and we have been married for 39 years. We average 2-3 times a week unless we are on a romantic trip like last summer in Cancun. Then it was every day with me giving her oral a couple of times in addition. The longest we ever went without sex was 2 months when we were apart. The only weeks we do not have sex is when she is on her period. Even then she will give me a HJ...and she really knows how to do that!! It is never with the lights totally off; sometimes it is by soft light or candle light. And it is in various locations: dining room table, couch, outside on the patio, in the car, in the woods, on the beach (that was AWESOME), to name a few.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:42 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

Your not going to like my average right now...

After ILYNILWY every 3 months avg
Before a little more than 1x month

Lights on and off
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Old 11-28-2011, 07:20 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

You mean married couples still have sex after children?
Wow!
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Old 11-28-2011, 02:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

I'm good with a couple of times a week. Husband HAS TO HAVE way more so I try to give him things even if I'm not up to it. Usually at night in our room (teens at home.) He'd like more costumes, makeup, trashy clothes, etc but I'm just not comfortable with my kids at home so he stays very angry at all of us ALOT.
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Old 11-29-2011, 10:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How Often?

We are in our 50's and usually have sex about 3 to 5 times weekly, sometimes more. And, it isn't necessarily in the bed with the lights off. I might also add that we have been together 15 years....married for 10.
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