Married and Sexually Frustrated
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-16-2011, 10:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Married and Sexually Frustrated

Hello everyone! I'm a male and brand new to this forum. Just signed up 2 minutes ago. Thanks in advance for your help, feedback or if you can simply relate and cry in your beer with me. Searched the internet for a place to speak openly about my marriage concerns. My story is that I have been married for 4 years and sex with my wife has become almost non-existent and unfulfilling. I have very strong sexual desires and would probably prefer sex 3-4 x's a week. (Don't think I have EVER had sex with the wife 4 x's a week...I'd be extremely lucky if it was 2 x's a week, but that was years ago. That would have probably been my birthday week or something) I'm lucky if we have sex twice a month now....Yup...twice a month and always when she wants it, never when I initiate it. Of course, I'm always eager to have sex when she finally wants it, but I completely expect to get turned down if I initiate it. There is NO sexual tension or flirting anymore from her. When we do have sex, she is quiet as a mouse. I can't get her to talk to me or even look at me...She basically tunes me out and focuses on her orgasm. I can't get her to connect with me at all during sex. I make sure that she ALWAYS has her orgasm first and then I work on mine. I love giving her oral sex and of course I love to receive it. The only time she will speak to me during sex is when she's already had her orgasm and she wants me to "hurry up" and have mine… I've tried many times to talk to her in very erotic ways but she just doesn't participate. I have sent her very erotic, sexually explicit emails and she doesn't respond. I've asked her why she doesn’t respond and she doesn't respond to that email either. I’ve asked her to her face and she says “let’s talk about it later”....I've asked her if she feels that my emails are inappropriate and she doesn't respond. I'm a monogamous man who is dedicated to this marriage, but I can't spend the rest of my life in pretty much a sexless marriage... I feel trapped! We've gone to marriage counseling before and I think that it may be that time again, but truthfully I'm just not optimistic that much will change with her...I would love to have a woman who has a strong sex drive, to match mine, and is willing to flirt and work at it. I think sex with the one you love should be exciting and different. I would LOVE for her to challenge me...surprise me in bed...That ain't happening. I've tried to "schedule" love-making with her. but she refuses...saying that scheduling sex is not spontaneous...Yet she doesn't have a spontaneous bone in her body, so sex just doesn't happen. I don't want to fail at this marriage, but one thing I just can't bargain away is my need for sexual fun and exploration. Can anybody relate to what I’m going through?
OptimisticOne...

Last edited by Optimisticone; 11-16-2011 at 10:49 AM.
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Old 11-16-2011, 11:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Married and Sexually Frustrated

Hello Optimistic ~

Welcome! I like your user name.

Well, if you have cruised around this forum for more than a few minutes, you will see that yes, you are in good company as sexual issues/incompatabilities are a very, very common issue within many marriages.

I have typed out likely hundreds of responses to men with similar issues.

So, where to start? Well, first off - have you and your wife ever had a good sexual relationship - such as when you were first married, or even during dating? There's really a biological chemical ****tail that happens to people when they are 'in love' and in that phase of a relationship. It gradually fades away and is not so intense, but bonding experiences can keep it going in a very deep and intimate way after that point. But, a lot of times, couples let the daily stresses of life and their relationship get in the way, and they no longer make each other a priority and they let those bonding experiences fade away.

So, do you know what your wife wants/needs/expects out of your marriage?

Have you ever explored that topic together? If not, a good place to start would be using the "5 Love Languages" to determine how you each would like to receive love (and how you may be showing it to your spouse and missing the boat because they need it shown in a different way.) Check out the following:

The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

Do you think your wife sees your dilemma as an issue in the marriage? Would she be willing to work at it with you?

Why were you in marriage counseling before? A lot of times sexual issues are just a 'canary in the coal mine' in that relationship issues that are going on often show up in the bedroom, but to resolve the sexual issue, you really need to address the relationship issues. Here's another site to give you some food for thought that I reference quite frequently - has a catchy title for a husband too:

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Best wishes.
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Old 11-16-2011, 11:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I have sent her very erotic, sexually explicit emails and she doesn't respond. I've asked her why she doesn’t respond and she doesn't respond to that email either. I’ve asked her to her face and she says “let’s talk about it later”....I've asked her if she feels that my emails are inappropriate and she doesn't respond.
Ok, there is alot to your problem and it is not easily solved but it can be solved. But what I have pulled out shows you are barking up the wrong tree. Your path is of trying to be overtly sexual or talk about sex, or ask her what you should do is not going to work.

What you have to focus in is giving your wife non sexual love and fulfillment, so that she will in return give you sexual love and fulfillment.

A very good place to start is the book recommended by Enchantment. The concept is that you have to show your wife love in a way that is meaningful to her.

So before you focus on how she needs to meet your needs, you should focus on meeting her needs. The question I have for you is what do you think are her main non sexual complaints about you as a husband or her life in general? That's your starting point.
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Old 11-16-2011, 02:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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yes jump through all her hoops to be let down and then be more resentfull.

she is being passive agressive if she has not comunicating that her needs were not being met so instead shes a refuser!

I disagree with the above posters you need to sit her down and flat out ask if she wants to be married or not.


or you can waste your time
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Old 11-16-2011, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Well, you can cut right to the chase like Chilly recommends, but you'll still need to be prepared to try and pull your own weight in resolving whatever relationship issues there may be going on if you do throw around the D word and your wife decides to work on the marriage.

Otherwise, after a short period of time of complying by your wife to your demands, you may find yourself in the same boat again. Because just telling her won't make a difference unless she also sees action on your part, as she tries to act on her part.

It will take BOTH of you making changes to make it work, but whoever it is bugging the most (you, in this case) can make the first move.

I'll leave it to you to decide what that first move should be since you are the only one here who knows your wife.
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Old 11-16-2011, 03:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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yes jump through all her hoops to be let down and then be more resentfull.

she is being passive agressive if she has not comunicating that her needs were not being met so instead shes a refuser!

I disagree with the above posters you need to sit her down and flat out ask if she wants to be married or not.


or you can waste your time
I don't advocate jumping through hoops.
Wives don't communicate their needs verbally. It's important for a man to discover and meet his wife's needs. If after doing so for a period of time, that's when you switch to ulimatums.

If his wife is acting this way, when OP gives that ultimatum he will find out she is more than willing to divorce. Ultimatums will only work if she is likely to stick with the marriage.
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Old 11-16-2011, 03:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Man up and ” Hold onto your N.U.T.s ” teach her there is ” No More Mr Nice Guy”.. Read those two books. I'm about a month or so in and it has done wonders... Be about pleasing yourself anId not relying on her for meeting your needs. In the past month my wife and I went from once a month to about twice a week... Over the weekend it was twice in one night which hasn't happened in years. I started being firmer in making decisions. For example what's for dinner, instead of back and forth what do you want just say we r eating pork chops. Let her eventually know your expectations, and don't whine or complain when you don't get your way (I found out that's not attractive, neither is bartering or begging). Just please yourself join a men's group at a church or something. Be a man. And if she's not down with the new YOU, which is who you really are (without her influencing you) then you have some decisions to make.
Good luck and keep us posted!

Last edited by Mr_brown; 11-16-2011 at 04:02 PM. Reason: Cell phone
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
yes jump through all her hoops to be let down and then be more resentfull.

she is being passive agressive if she has not comunicating that her needs were not being met so instead shes a refuser!

I disagree with the above posters you need to sit her down and flat out ask if she wants to be married or not.


or you can waste your time
chilly I noticed many of your post seem to me to be in the same vain. To me they are uniformly angry, unyielding, and full of contempt for woman. I don't know your story, you may have good reason for bitterness.

Your sentiment that you have to jump through hoops. That intrigues me because what you seem to be saying is that making any concessions to the way your approach to a woman in a way that makes her receptive is controlling (jump through hoops) and manipulative (passive aggressive).

I am asking these question in general. If you think being romantic is jumping through hoops, what do you think woman should do to remedy the controlling behavior? What do you consider an ideal sex partner and why are these attributes important to a man?

I'll tell you my bias so you don't feel you are walking into a trap. I think that in order to be sustained past the honeymoon phase, sex has to be mutually satisfying. Most women have a weaker sex seeking behavior and less frequent desire to have sex. Their sex drive is more sensitive to external events like conflict, lack of communication, anger, worry, fatigue etc.

Men have a more robust sex drive. Woman usually needs time to transition from not thinking about sex to desire and arousal and take a longer time to orgasm than men.

Do you think the man would be jumping through hoops if he took the time to warm his partner up, avoided going for the erogenous zones too quickly and slowed down?

Do you think that making an effort to be more communicative and receptive and to giving her concerns top priority even if they are not important to him jumping through hoops?

If so, do you think that women should adjust by not letting external events effect their desire to have sex?

If you think compromise is in order what exactly do you think is a reasonable one should be?

Last edited by Catherine602; 11-16-2011 at 05:46 PM.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Man up and ” Hold onto your N.U.T.s ” teach her there is ” No More Mr Nice Guy”.. Read those two books. I'm about a month or so in and it has done wonders... Be about pleasing yourself anId not relying on her for meeting your needs. In the past month my wife and I went from once a month to about twice a week... Over the weekend it was twice in one night which hasn't happened in years. I started being firmer in making decisions. For example what's for dinner, instead of back and forth what do you want just say we r eating pork chops. Let her eventually know your expectations, and don't whine or complain when you don't get your way (I found out that's not attractive, neither is bartering or begging). Just please yourself join a men's group at a church or something. Be a man. And if she's not down with the new YOU, which is who you really are (without her influencing you) then you have some decisions to make.
Good luck and keep us posted!
I think you have the manning up concept all wrong. Pleasing yourself and being demanding - why would she have more sex with you? If you are pleasing yourself and she is pleasing you, what is she getting out of it?

Are you saying threatening to employ the ultimate, divorcing her is inducement enough to get her to do things your way? There must be other things that you are doing or she is biding her time and storing up resentment until she can leave.

Does sound like a loving marriage more like a master slave relationship. Maybe she likes being dominated and serving?

I'm submissive with my husband but I would get some n@ts fast if he came with demands and threats.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I don't advocate jumping through hoops.
Wives don't communicate their needs verbally. It's important for a man to discover and meet his wife's needs. If after doing so for a period of time, that's when you switch to ulimatums.

If his wife is acting this way, when OP gives that ultimatum he will find out she is more than willing to divorce. Ultimatums will only work if she is likely to stick with the marriage.
No, they don't work. He has to be willing to carryout his ultimatum or he will seem weak.
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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@ Catherine, I am not talking sexually... I am now making myself happy. I was dependent on my wife for happiness, now I am making sure I am happy even if she isn't the one providing the satisfaction. By hanging out with other men, making small purchases for myself(things I would have felt guilty for buying previously) making/scheduling time for me to enjoy life and it has lightened my wife's load or what I kind of felt previously that was her responsibility. My stress levels are down and so are my wifes! Things have been better in my life!
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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@ Catherine, I am not talking sexually... I am now making myself happy. I was dependent on my wife for happiness, now I am making sure I am happy even if she isn't the one providing the satisfaction. By hanging out with other men, making small purchases for myself(things I would have felt guilty for buying previously) making/scheduling time for me to enjoy life and it has lightened my wife's load or what I kind of felt previously that was her responsibility. My stress levels are down and so are my wifes! Things have been better in my life!
Sorry misread your post. That's what the men in the Men's Clubhouse advise and I think they are right. Well, you know that.

I read of so many men who are wrapped up in their wives every emotion and suffer for it. They get into a position where they depend on her to meet all of their needs.

They drop their friends and have no one and have none but their wives to talk to. It doesn't work. What you are doing apparently does!
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:09 PM   #13 (permalink)
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By doing as you say some men are doing(wrapping yourself up in your wife's emotions and being completely dependant) you are now acting like a kid and not a man. And that is all your wife needs is to have to take care of a kid. Bottom line is be a man for your wife and family! You were your own self when your wife fell for you. Be that man again not the whittled down boy you have slowly adapted to!
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Are you reasonably sure she's straight?
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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By doing as you say some men are doing(wrapping yourself up in your wife's emotions and being completely dependant) you are now acting like a kid and not a man. And that is all your wife needs is to have to take care of a kid. Bottom line is be a man for your wife and family! You were your own self when your wife fell for you. Be that man again not the whittled down boy you have slowly adapted to!
:s mthumbup:
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