Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
This threat is interesting.
- I have never once initiated sex when we were in the middle of an argument - and sometimes our disputes last for 2-3 days.
- If I did something that upset her - and realized I was in the wrong - I have never initated sex until she calmed down and forgave me. Which might take a few days.
- When we "make up" and forgive it is always "absolute" on both sides and that day or the next we typically resume having sex.
I ABSOLUTELY do not feel like she uses sex as leverage. I am good to her because I love her. She has sex with me because she loves me.
She is also very careful not to "reject" - she instead asks me to give her a day.
She absolutely does not look for reasons to avoid sex either. So she doesn't play the game of "my life sux, I am unhappy, therefore we aren't going to have sex".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Trying - by "bargaining chip" do you mean that the woman tries to get their husband to do things they don't want to do? Or to manipulate him to get something she wants - that does happen of course. A good man working his butt off to please a demanding wife is not a myth.
But that is not what is happening with this OP. Do you think she is using sex as a bargaining chip? Her husband seems to treat her like he does not love her. If that is the case then he is using her as a sperm receptacle and not for an intimate connection.
If she got married to a man who was her f**k buddy and there was no love involved then I would agree that she is being unreasonable to expect a loving man.
But if they got married because they were in love and felt an intimate connection through sex, then she is perfectly within her rights to refuse to be treated like a set of holes.
She is not refusing intimacy with her husband she is refusing sex as an act to relieve his craving. If he cannot show her love he should not expect to go to her to relieve his sexual cravings. She craves respect, kindness, affection and satisfying communication and he is not giving her that.
She does not seem adverse to having sex just to having sex with a man who behaves in a way that is not loving.
It is is so much easier to quantify overall sex quality/frequency from a female.
Than it is overall and ongoing attentiveness, strength , attractiveness from a male.
Women hold the key. They abuse it more than men.
How long does sex even really take? My wife could make my world amazing giving me a few hours of sexual attention each month. Instead she chose two nights this year for about an hour or so total. All while I was attentive, strong and attractive.
Its her issue. She abused her "power" over a key need of mine. I treat her like gold anyhow. Had to show her the door for her to finally "get it"
Trying - you don't bear even the slightest resemblance to this Op's man. I have posted this to you before. You are allowing your wife to take advantage of you. You are giving far more than you get.
You have a selfish wife, period. You don't give selfish people more, you give what you get. They have to feel what it is like to have less. That is the only way they change. She treats you like you do not matter and you treat her like gold. You make me angry when I read your post.
You simply will not listen and I cant understand why. She will likely NOT give you what you need. You have not made any alternate plans, that I can see, what you will do if you changes do not work. I hate to see you unprepared for the possibility that she will never change.
There is not one thing that I posted that applies to you or men like you. You are the opposite of unloving, uncommunicative unkind and inattentive. You have it all but unfortunately your wife does not appreciate that. Just like the OP partner does not appreciate.
This threat is interesting.
- I have never once initiated sex when we were in the middle of an argument - and sometimes our disputes last for 2-3 days.
- If I did something that upset her - and realized I was in the wrong - I have never initated sex until she calmed down and forgave me. Which might take a few days.
- When we "make up" and forgive it is always "absolute" on both sides and that day or the next we typically resume having sex.
I ABSOLUTELY do not feel like she uses sex as leverage. I am good to her because I love her. She has sex with me because she loves me.
She is also very careful not to "reject" - she instead asks me to give her a day.
She absolutely does not look for reasons to avoid sex either. So she doesn't play the game of "my life sux, I am unhappy, therefore we aren't going to have sex".
MEM - I thought about you while writing my post. In a way I understand what Unbelievable et al. are getting at. I can explain it better than they can.
Refusing a man of sex repeatedly does not solve marital arguments big or small. It resolves nothing and it cuts off communication, makes the man feel unloved, unworthy of his wife's love and depressed and distances him from her. Trying's is prime example of this.
If more women understood this dynamic, they would not use sex to express their displeasure if they love their husband. It has too severe an effect on the man they love and on their union. Far more effective and less damaging ways to problem resolution are available.
But if a man is like the OP's husband then she should starve him. My feeling he feels no devastation of the type I described above. Angry but not unworthy of his wife's love. He does not seem to care what she thinks or feels.
My post referred to women, like the OP, who are dealing with intractable and severe issues of lack of respect and abuse. I think she is justified in ceasing sexual relations with him, if she has exhausted ways of improving the relationship. My sense is that Unbelievable think a woman should never refuse sex.
Otherwise, refusing sex for two weeks after an argument is like killing a person in retaliation for accidentally stepping on your foot.
Trying - you don't bear even the slightest resemblance to this Op's man. I have posted this to you before. You are allowing your wife to take advantage of you. You are giving far more than you get.
You have a selfish wife, period. You don't give selfish people more, you give what you get. They have to feel what it is like to have less. That is the only way they change. She treats you like you do not matter and you treat her like gold. You make me angry when I read your post.
You simply will not listen and I cant understand why. She will likely NOT give you what you need. You have not made any alternate plans, that I can see, what you will do if you changes do not work. I hate to see you unprepared for the possibility that she will never change.
There is not one thing that I posted that applies to you or men like you. You are the opposite of unloving, uncommunicative unkind and inattentive. You have it all but unfortunately your wife does not appreciate that. Just like the OP partner does not appreciate.
Thanks Catherine,
To respond to your first post I was generalizing most of the threads not just the Op's husband.
You have a point about my wife she probably is selfish in ways an does use my good nature to her advantage. If you met my wife you would think she's a fantastic person... because she is. Outwardly she is near perfect.
I disagree that she WON'T give me what I need because she is fully aware that that will likely lead us to divorce. All indicators are that she finally got it. So I have great hope.
I always have alternate plans... one decision point is in February. Rest assured things will change. I'm all about plans. She better not go there with me unhappy. I'm at the point I'm OK with or without her... that's a good place to be. I'm prepared for any eventuality.
I have seen the light and I do apologize to everyone. We all should be free to act according to the whims of our emotions at all times. Considering 25% of all adult women require mental health drugs, those emotions will frequently be inaccurate, but that's the standard we will use.
Dose anyone besides me notice a pattern? When women like this poster ask for assistance with the problems that they are having connecting sexually with their husbands, they are drummed off the forum by bitter angry men.
In contrast, when men come with the issues with their wives, they receive support and sympathetic advice form both men and women.
The nature of women is that we need communication and respect in order to feel receptive. That is sex for us. When we don't get what we need, our reaction is just like a man's. We don't feel loved. Men have a less sensitive sex drive and are not usually adversely effected in the same way. However, if they are rejected they feel unloved. That is sex for men.
Women cannot be male-like in their sexuality no more so than men can be woman-like. However, men can adapt and still have satisfying sex.
Why would one gender be treated with kid gloves and the other like pariahs when they are asking for help with the same type of problem?
I have a theory.
The hostility of some posters display to women with sexual withdrawal is reflection of the problematic nature of their marriage. There is no way that they are not as angry and bitter and dismissive of their wives problems at home.
I find it hard to believe that these men are communicative, really hear what their wives are telling them, and make an attempt to love them the way they need. I think they see their wives needs as an attempt to control and jumping through hoops.
They don't understand that attentive communication and respect is part of sex for women. In essence, they deny their wives intimacy yet still expect sex from her.
I know someone is going to say - why cant women have sex like men. Women enjoy sex as much as men but they enjoy sex the way their natures dictate.
Men on the other hand are more robust and adaptable. They orgasm easier than women and more consistently. They are less bothered by distractions. When they adapt to women, they still have their needs met.
Besides men learn from women to slow down and savor the experience from women and we learn to be comfortable and explorative with our sexuality from men.
I think most men will agree that sex with a partner they are emotionally connected with motivates them to please her. There seems to be a sense of accomplishment and a goal for men in love to be a good lover.
But a good lover for a woman is not just technique and orgasms, it's the general emotional closeness and being heard by her partner.
Wow. No offensive generalizations or stereotypes here.
Just wondering, but what might a husband feel free to withhold when he's angry with his wife? It's obviously unreasonable to expect someone to give to a spouse they are angry with.
Just wondering, but what might a husband feel free to withhold when he's angry with his wife? It's obviously unreasonable to expect someone to give to a spouse they are angry with.
I don`t usually have sex with my wife when she`s pissed me off.
Why would I want to have sex with a person I don`t like very much?
However I don`t believe this thread is a case of a simple angry disagreement.
This is about how this wife is treated in the relationship as a standard.
Hello All
My husband and I rarely have sex. My husband can get really mean and rude sometimes. I think just because were married sex isnt always a given. If I don't wanna have sex he freaks out..I feel like just because were married that doesn't mean you can treat me like **** and except me to lay down for you. Am I being a huge *****? Should I do it when hes nothing nothing but ignore me since he got home from work or make smart ass comments?
I do have a question about the circumstances here. Is the issue with his rudeness still being address when he approaches you (that is, you two are still fighting and no apology or resolution has occured), or has it been resolved and he is reaching out to you? To my mind, these are two very different circumstances.
Dose anyone besides me notice a pattern? When women like this poster ask for assistance with the problems that they are having connecting sexually with their husbands, they are drummed off the forum by bitter angry men.
******I see the same pattern in reverse
In contrast, when men come with the issues with their wives, they receive support and sympathetic advice form both men and women.
*****only seeing what you want to see.
The nature of women is that we need communication and respect in order to feel receptive. That is sex for us. When we don't get what we need, our reaction is just like a man's. We don't feel loved. Men have a less sensitive sex drive and are not usually adversely effected in the same way. However, if they are rejected they feel unloved. That is sex for men.
Women cannot be male-like in their sexuality no more so than men can be woman-like. However, men can adapt and still have satisfying sex.
****Why should men be the only ones to adapt? and how do you know that men can adapt and still have satisfying sex?
Why would one gender be treated with kid gloves and the other like pariahs when they are asking for help with the same type of problem?
**** still only seeing what you want too.
I have a theory.
The hostility of some posters display to women with sexual withdrawal is reflection of the problematic nature of their marriage. There is no way that they are not as angry and bitter and dismissive of their wives problems at home.
******hard not to show bitterness when you provide all for them and then they are indifferent to you because you didn't do this or that.
I find it hard to believe that these men are communicative, really hear what their wives are telling them, and make an attempt to love them the way they need. I think they see their wives needs as an attempt to control and jumping through hoops.
***** which is it should a wife comunicate or as you sugested we are supost to read their feeling and learn what their needs are.
They don't understand that attentive communication and respect is part of sex for women. In essence, they deny their wives intimacy yet still expect sex from her.
I know someone is going to say - why cant women have sex like men. Women enjoy sex as much as men but they enjoy sex the way their natures dictate.
***** sounds selfish they get let their nature dictate and we are suposed to adapt.
Men on the other hand are more robust and adaptable. They orgasm easier than women and more consistently. They are less bothered by distractions. When they adapt to women, they still have their needs met.
**** huge sweeping generlazation.
Besides men learn from women to slow down and savor the experience from women and we learn to be comfortable and explorative with our sexuality from men.
****** where do you get these thoughts
I think most men will agree that sex with a partner they are emotionally connected with motivates them to please her. There seems to be a sense of accomplishment and a goal for men in love to be a good lover.
***** Hun that should be a goal for both husband and wives.
wives get a free pass to be lazy lovers.
But a good lover for a woman is not just technique and orgasms, it's the general emotional closeness and being heard by her partner.
*** then she should say something worth while instead of drivel
they should make an effort to have worth while conversation not talk about their crazy girlfriends or vampire books or what they saw on Tv.
*****you seem to think we should just be happy to provide shelter and food and cloth and then just be happy to please them even if they are lazy selfish lovers.
*****your statements are just not computing with me satisfying sex is a team effort and wives should care about pleasing their man just as much as men should care about pleasing them.
*** then she should say something worth while instead of drivel
they should make an effort to have worth while conversation not talk about their crazy girlfriends or vampire books or what they saw on Tv.
*****you seem to think we should just be happy to provide shelter and food and cloth and then just be happy to please them even if they are lazy selfish lovers.
*****your statements are just not computing with me satisfying sex is a team effort and wives should care about pleasing their man just as much as men should care about pleasing them.
chilly ~
I'm not trying to bash you. I'm truly curious based upon the comments I've seen you post over the last few days. What would your recommendation be to get a wife to do what you've suggested in regards to communication or trying to get her to care? I mean, I think it's easy enough to recommend to a wife when she's the one on the board, but when it's the husband who comes on and has a wife like that, you can only recommend that he do something to work on himself. I struggle with how you tell people that they should be committed or they should care when it's obvious they don't seem to want to. I think we are just too selfish - especially anymore. Relationships seem to be very 'me' centric and that doesn't work well in a marriage.
I think that there's a real tendency for both spouses in a marriage to be poor communicators, especially about issues regarding intimacy. People just naturally seem to shy away from that. I don't think people are really educated about what to expect and how to manage in a marital relationship. Too bad we don't teach marital relationship management instead of sex ed.
You know, what Catherine writes usually resonates pretty strongly with me. Like she says the words I can't. I think she is a good representation of a certain spectrum of woman - one, like me, who has been struggling to learn how to be the kind of wife who CAN meet her husband's sexual needs and the struggles and thought process she goes through in overcoming the kind of dogma or pain that has made her more repressed. She provides some very perceptive insight into that particular kind of woman's mind, in my opinion, and the turmoil that goes on. Don't dismiss it too lightly and out of hand - because I have been on a very similar journey and some of her words can have a profound impact, if you lift yourself out of your own perspective and try and look at them from the other's (woman's) perspective.
I for one want to thank all women who post here for insight into the female mind. I've come to realize how complex female minds are and that us men just have a hard time relating to that way of thinking.
Male minds are so straightforward in comparison.... I think women just have too much going on upstairs that SEX just gets lost in the static of the female mind. Unless the female specifically takes the time to analyze her thoughts on sex.... which seems to be rare.
Women just go with what they feel. Guys know exactly what happened with every sex act... they know to the hour when the last time was they had sex. I doubt most females could do the same based on reading posts.
.. I think women just have too much going on upstairs that SEX just gets lost in the static of the female mind. .
Or how about women aren't light switches. I think that makes more sense. Believe it or not, we enjoy sex just as much as you men. Sex is extremely important to us as well, and does not get lost in the thinking.
Farting and scratching your a$$ then asking for some nookie..isnt exactly the greatest foreplay.
I wish more men realized the importance of preheating the oven, in order to make sure things could get as great as they should be in the sack. Just my two cents.
Or how about women aren't light switches. I think that makes more sense. Believe it or not, we enjoy sex just as much as you men. Sex is extremely important to us as well, and does not get lost in the thinking.
Farting and scratching your a$$ then asking for some nookie..isnt exactly the greatest foreplay.
I wish more men realized the importance of preheating the oven, in order to make sure things could get as great as they should be in the sack. Just my two cents.
Explain pre-heating...
I'll bet I do EVERYTHING you list and more. Still don't get any from my wife.
I don't doubt you women enjoy it... when you finally decide to allow it. Over sleep.
Here is another scientific prediction...
Given the choice when you are over tired in bed .... Sleep or Sex
Most all men will choose sex.
Most all women will choose sleep.
Re: Respect & Sex 
