bplegend

Hello all,

I believe my resentment towards my wife and the belief things will never change has led me to become completely comfortable with beginning the process of moving on versus finding a friend with benefits on the side thats in a similar situation.

My wife during our dating phase which lasted several years was great. She often in fact initiated sex. I can recall on several occasions in fact being too tired or not in the mood and the following morning she almost insisted on having sex as if to get her way.

Once we married, it stopped cold turkey as if the mission had been accomplished. I dont believe we had sex more than a handful of times each year the first 3 years of marriage. In December 2007 while on a trip to Cancun for Christmas she basically laid on her back and had sex with me once. When we returned home she wrote an email to her sister which her sister later shared with me that implied she did not enjoy being sexual with me anymore.

The last 4 years this lack of intimacy in our marriage has led to many arguments and times of little to no talking between us. Ive become withdrawn focused a lot more on our business and spend a lot of time on the kids extracurricular activities. Yet its the one thing that constantly lingers. When we do talk about it she shruggs it off and says theres nothing I can say she hasnt heard before. We've done counceling (several times). She blames or makes excuses and provides a million reasons why she hasnt prioritized sex in our marriage or why it doesnt happen. Basically shes got every angle covered to give her comfort in choosing to ignore sex.

Yet she expects me to remember all the special days of the year like anniversaries, valentines, birthdays, mothers days...and the gifts need to be thoughtful and preferably jewelry and high end purses and apparel. Last biurthday she got a full body lipo which she didnt need in my opinion. She has no complaints about me not doing my part at home or in our relationship in general. We're both very responsible and do our part and contribute equally. She just says sex isnt a priority for her. Yet shes constantly surveying me to make sure Im not developing interest elsewhere.

My question is...should I just pack it up? i find myself being resentful beyond what i feel is repairable now and ive begun losing my cool in arguments with her. I've lost some respect for her and feel I'd be happier single than married and feeling like im not wanted by my wife. Any advice out there?

Hicks

4 years without sex, I would leave my wife, no question.

chillymorn

yep time to ride off into the sunset.

NotLikeYou

BPLegend-

You and your wife need counseling. Ooops. Wait. You've done that several times.

Well, try telling her about your needs. Oh, I see you've done that also.

Well, maybe be sensitive and caring, give her gifts on special occasions. Doh. Been there, done that, too.

Maybe you should try telling her to f*ck off and find another meal ticket, and you go find a woman who likes you enough to have sex with you. There are plenty of women out there that would be thrilled to have a man who would do any of the above things that you have tried to do to fix your marriage.

Go find one of them! Roommates are for college, not marriage.

rrrbbbttt

Continuing on this path will only lead to depression in you and you becoming more of the person who brings home the paycheck so she can enjoy her life.

Life is too short.

File for Divorce.

that_girl

I do not understand women who do this 'bait and switch' routine. Geez.

I would have left after year one. I would have said, "We have to fix this..." and if no effort on her part, I would have filed.

NO ONE gets married to be sexless. Shoot...I had sex more than 3 times a year when I was single and wasn't even committed to someone. lolllll

__________________

Amplexor

Unfortunately it sounds as if you've exhausted the normal processes one would follow to address the issue without results. Your resentment will continue to grow and that's understandable, but it will kill the marriage sooner or later as well as have a negative impact on your kids. Play the D card and if she isn't willing to work on meeting your needs by increasing intimacy begin the process. Better this route than to cheat. Sorry.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Entropy3000

Run ther MAP : Married Man Sex Life

Enchantment

You know, there's typically a reason why a woman becomes less sexual with her husband. If you truly want to save your marriage, then you need to discover that reason.

You may think that you are legitimately meeting her needs within the marriage, but you may actually be falling far short. See, it's usually a complicated little dance between the man and woman and not always just a one-sided thing.

You've documented what you feel are her faults in the marriage. What are yours? Would you be willing to change those?

Go read this.

The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Then, ask yourself very HONESTLY, have YOU really been doing all that could be done?

And, never get a 'friend with benefits' on the side. Do the honourable thing and free your wife from the marriage first if it comes to that.

Best wishes.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Maybe a separation would wake her up. You have every right to leave if she refuses to have sex with you.

Well, refuses to have sex with you for an extended period of time.
Posted via Mobile Device

chillymorn

where dose the wife comunicating her needs too her husband fit in with your advice? its always a guessing game with this type of advice?

not that i disagree with what you are saying but it gets old guessing

Enchantment

It can help open up the dialogue in many cases.

For many people (yes, women too), trying to express something that is very emotionally driven can be hard to express in words. It's like trying to explain the word "angry" or "happy" when those involve feelings - how do you put those in to words? Maybe all his wife knows is the way he acts towards her makes her unhappy, but she cannot express that verbally so she expresses it through her actions. I think many people are unable to really communicate their feelings well and what causes them to feel that way.

But, for instance, on the marriagebuilders.com site that I referenced there are some tools that can help couples start this communication process. That is also where a third-party professional can be valuable.

And, whoever comes to the TAM site first, gets dibs for making the first move toward a resolution.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

bplegend

I cannot agree more. I've asked....and this is what she emailed me the last time this came up: "It is not physically an issue for me to go without sex, but I do realize that most men are not happy without it because it fulfills them so therefore if you want me to have sex to fulfill you thats fine but do you want to have sex thats not meaningfull like that?"

Now what shoudl i interpret from this other than she doesnt care to have sex and if she does its only to please me and not enjoy it herself? Having said all of this....I must be clear about something. I love her dearly. I love her immensly and having to move on will be a difficult thing to do. She knows what this is doing to me, self -esteem wise, confindence-wise, mood-wise...and to allow me as her spouse to endure this for this long and expect me to continue like this. Thanks for the feedback....I think this will help in my decision making.

tacoma

Yes.

4 years?

I would have left after 4 months tops.

Enchantment

Hmmm... sounds like your wife may have a lot of resentment toward you? And a bit manipulative too. Does she routinely act like this toward you? If so, you should go over to the Men's Clubhouse and read through the sticky thread at the top searching for "fitness testing" because it sounds like your wife threw a doozy at you. You could have asked her "What could I do for you that would make sex meaningful for you, then? Because I want it to be meaningful for both of us."

Why was the reason that she wanted to have the lipo done? Have there been any other changes in her - I'm not saying she could be looking elsewhere, but I thought it was interesting she was willing to endure a procedure like that and constantly watches so you don't stray, and for what? Not trying to put other thoughts in your head, just trying to understand what might be going through hers.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith