Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
So, no sex for about 3 weeks. We've just had an exhausting schedule. She complained a few days ago that I haven't been pursuing her. I tell her she could do some pursuing too if she's in the mood. Last night I make a few comments to warm her up and start thinking about it. I tell her I'm going to be early. She follows. We get in bed. We're spooning. My hands are on her breasts and rubbing her hips and rear. I"m getting excited. Then right when I start kissing her shoulder she says she is spotting and that her period is about to start so she doesn't want to do anything. Well, now I'm fully erect. I don't ask for anything in particular but just say how much I was really looking forward to sex and it's hard to go to sleep with an erection (seriously, I sleep on my stomach and that ain't happening). She basically says that she doesn't want to pleasure me only because she wants to have an orgasm too. Then I really start thinking about it and I can only count about twice a year that I get either a handjob or blowjob when it isn't part of the sex I'm having with her. Basically, there's never anything just for me. She only gets physical if she knows I'm going to take care of her also. It's not that I won't take care of her. Every session starts with oral for her...to completion....so she always gets her cookie so to speak.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure when she says no, that means it ain't getting in there. regardless of towels or showers or any other suggestions. Trust, I offered to get dirty.... But I think her hang up is that she is hooked on the oral and she knows without it she's a 50/50 on getting off before I do......Especially after 3 weeks of waiting.
Any reason why you can't give yourself a 'helping hand' with her laying next to you/holding you if she doesn't want to 'participate' in any other way?
H and I have done this often when I have been out of commission for one reason or other. You're still together - you're still being intimate - you still get at least some satisfaction - she didn't have to give a 'freebie' - and maybe it would spur her on to 'give a helping hand' some of the time.
Any reason why you can't give yourself a 'helping hand' with her laying next to you/holding you if she doesn't want to 'participate' in any other way?
H and I have done this often when I have been out of commission for one reason or other. You're still together - you're still being intimate - you still get at least some satisfaction - she didn't have to give a 'freebie' - and maybe it would spur her on to 'give a helping hand' some of the time.
this just seems degrading IMO I've heard others sugest it and well, I think I'd rather fantasize about the hot red head down the hall at work than beg my selfish wife to lay next to me.
maybe if she sugested it and said it turned her on then thats a different story. Its all about attitude
this just seems degrading IMO I've heard others sugest it and well, I think I'd rather fantasize about the hot red head down the hall at work than beg my selfish wife to lay next to me.
maybe if she sugested it and said it turned her on then thats a different story. Its all about attitude
I suggest re-phrasing from 'freebies' to something else. Words are powerful tools. When you and your wife are laying in bed discussing freebies, what your really saying is: Give one to me, and I wont give one to you.
Anything that involves my wife and I, and an orgasm is sex. I let her know when Im in the mood for sex, and she does the same. This doesnt mean we have to have missionary style vaginal intercourse with the lights off... No, we have options as we use the word loosley. Maybe tonight we will have the lights on in missionary style. The possibilities are endless, but I digress.
Try that, it very well might work for you. Words... Good stuff.
I would also recommend fidning out what sex means to your wife. Some women are looking for that quick-O, and nothing more. Some women enjoy the idea of sex, and want to fulfill their partners sexual satisfaction. Other women still have their own opinions on the matter not covered above, the possibilities are endless.
Converse, Converse, Converse. And then a little more.
Word
one why in the world do you call the fact that you wanted her to share something other than vaginal sex with you a freebie.
You and your wife seem to be hung up on counting out orgasms like kids - one for you and one for me.......
I think you have to reframe the way you both view sex in your relationship. I will use my husband and I as an example. He is HD and I am lower. Sometimes I am up for affection but not for oral for me or vaginal sex. Naturally, when we cuddle he gets aroused and I give him a happy ending.
I got what I needed and I give to him because i want him to feel as happy and satisfied as i feel and I appreciate him. He never ask and sometimes he refuses if he feels that I am obviously too sick or too tired to move.
That's what you are talking about right? So where is the freebie??? I need affection from the man I love. It's probably not as strong a need as a man's for sex but, I feel loved, calm, de-stressed and connected to my husband when I get my quota of affection.
Do you think you could see your relationship as an intimate shared life with the person you love? I think if you both look at it from that standpoint, you will avoid counting orgasms like beans.
Aren't you the same guy that said your wife has a "fat pu$$y" and that she was a "train wreck"? Maybe your harsh attitude about your wife is impacting your marriage and sex life.
My wife is more or less the same...there is no such thing as a 'free lunch' with her.
I happily give her a head/neck/shoulder massage etc and not expect anything back - I have become 'conditioned' to not getting anything anyway.
However, whenever I used to hint that I was horny etc and would like 'something' (eg hj...) it always carried a 'price'....'you can massage my back whilst I'm doing it'.
Now, I still give her massages etc but I NEVER ask/hint for anything.
She has never done something for ME simply because she wants to do something for me. Sad.
It comes from her background.... She is German, her parents are retired (75 and 70yrs) have a house in Germany and a house in France. They spend 8 months a year in France. Her father had to go back to Germany for minor but invasive stomach surgery.
His wife stayed in France.
He was in hospital 5 days then sent home to an 'empty' house. My sister in law lives in the same German town but 30 mins drive away...but she was 'too' busy to help her father.
I couldnt believe it! here was an 'old' man who spent 5 days in hospital then sent home yet no one from his immediate family was interested in helping him out!
My wife comes from a family where 'love' is conditional.
I managed to shame her into getting on a plane...this in turn shamed her mother who also got on a plane.
If you truly love someone you 'have' to do things for/to them that maybe you don't really want to do...but you do it because you love them.... its called unconditional love.
Sorry for the lengthy whinge...but had to get it off my chest!
Word
one why in the world do you call the fact that you wanted her to share something other than vaginal sex with you a freebie.
You and your wife seem to be hung up on counting out orgasms like kids - one for you and one for me.......
I think you have to reframe the way you both view sex in your relationship. I will use my husband and I as an example. He is HD and I am lower. Sometimes I am up for affection but not for oral for me or vaginal sex. Naturally, when we cuddle he gets aroused and I give him a happy ending.
I got what I needed and I give to him because i want him to feel as happy and satisfied as i feel and I appreciate him. He never ask and sometimes he refuses if he feels that I am obviously too sick or too tired to move.
That's what you are talking about right? So where is the freebie??? I need affection from the man I love. It's probably not as strong a need as a man's for sex but, I feel loved, calm, de-stressed and connected to my husband when I get my quota of affection.
Do you think you could see your relationship as an intimate shared life with the person you love? I think if you both look at it from that standpoint, you will avoid counting orgasms like beans.
What do you think?
The thought process does sound like score keeping. My W and I have never made a habit of that and have had a happy sex life our entire marriage.
Some times she does, sometimes I do and sometimes we do together. Its all good. Sometimes I give her oral and get her off and then just walk away just to show her that I'm into her for more than my gratification.
Sometimes I get magnificent road head at the most unexpected times for the same reason.
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Wife refuses to give freebies 
