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Needing help & understanding

5K views 39 replies 22 participants last post by  wantshelp 
#1 ·
Hello,

Im new to the forum and am sorry Im joining with hope for advice.

My husband and I have been married 6 years, we are both late 20s and have a 1 year old child. Since I fell pregnant, fatigue and a few other things crushed my sex drive. My husband was alright with this but would still ask and when I felt I could Id have sex with him. Once the baby was born things have especially dried up. I workfull time, study full time and raise our baby whilst he works his long hours.

This has reared its head a few times now and each time I explain Im tired etc. Obviously the longer it goes on the more antsy he gets and he grabs at me in bed. he will place my hand on his penis unexpectedly or grab my vagina. Ive told him I dont like like, he apologises forgets and starts it again. I move my hand away but itsnow at the point I go to bedbefore him so Im left alone. I cringe, I dont feel safe in my bed anymore.

Tonight, he grabbed at me again. I asked him not to, I told him I am tired as it was 130 am. he then got up and walked out. This prompted a big conversation, he feels I no longer love him because we dont have sex, I told him if he used a little romance then hes going to get alotg further and I am well within my rights to refuse sex. Th conversation got deeper and I told him that I feel he is sexually assaulting me and I no longer feel that bed is a relaxing time for me. I asked him to see a prostitute if that would help him dealwith whatever it is. He then told me he masturabtes every night now because of me and doesnt need a prostiute.

We have a good marriage, theres a drought going on but in so many other ways I show him I love him. I have learnt to cook his food (hes from a different country), every weekend I plan dates out that he would love dirt biking, motorbike shows, movies etc I kiss him, Im affectionate in other ways but Ive been having sex with him for 2 years out of obligation and now constantly being grabbed at all desire is gone. I hate it, I wait for him to finish and hope he is quick so I can sleep.

My health and fatigue was the start of the drought but the pressure has killed it for me. I dont know what im hoping for bywriting here. Maybe an anonymous way to vent. Im stuck.

Im in a happy marriage until bed time. Then I avoid being awake. Im sick of being felt up by my horny husband and sick of being made to feel guilty because Im not putting out on every demand. Its never done aggressively but it always ends with me on a guilt trip

Someone please help me make sense of where I go to from here :crying::crying::crying:

Thanks,
 
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#2 ·
Have you sought help for your low sex drive, or would you rather just stop having sex altogether? Low drive people don't really seem to see it as a problem, so I thought I'd ask.

Would you really be OK with him going to a prostitute? Saying that, you basically told him that not only don't you care to be sexually available to him ever again, but that you don't love him.

Don't say things suggesting that being more "romantic" would go further if you don't really mean it, because if he stays trying those things and nothing happens, he will resent you more than he likely already does.

I know it's probably not the advice you're looking for, but it's the advice you need right now.

Understand that in a relationship, sex is like air - it's only a problem when you're not getting any.
 
#3 ·
Telling him to seek someone else outside your marriage is giving him a green light to have an affair/s . It is also sending out a very strong message to your husband that you do not care about his needs or meeting his needs. Working full time, studying and taking care of a young child can be all very exhausting. However that is not going to go away anytime soon (it's just part of life).
Maybe he is grabbing you in bed out of sheer frustration and hope.
Do you do anything together (going out to dinner, movies, parks etc) without your child?
Are you on any birth control that could be hampering your sex drive?
Sex, Communication, mutual understanding, support (just to name a few) are all extremely important in marriage.
You both need to come up with a compromise that will work for both of you.
If you leave things as they are resentment will just keep growing on both your parts, and you will drift further and further away.
 
#5 ·
Hello special person

I'm having a different set of issues right now, but went through an experience not unlike yours some years back in my marriage. I also had a (second) new baby and was so tired that I didn't know what to do with myself. I remember how it feels when you lie in bed next to your husband (whom you love) and steel yourself for when he reaches his hand over. If you flinch, you know he'll notice. Sometimes you feel strong enough to say no (It's your body), and sometimes you feel like it's your 'duty'. So you try and pretend. (This never worked out well for me.) A state of sexual pleasure is difficult enough to get to when you're tired. When you're tense and resentful, it is practically impossible. What I can tell you is that like all snowballing issues, this is only going to get worse unless you address it.

It sounds like you've started that by having the conversation that you had last night. It must have been difficult to be so honest with him. (Personally, I think that a prostitute is a very bad idea). Keep communication channels with your husband open around this. The more you talk about it (preferably not late at night when you're both even more tired and grumpy!), the better.

Now I'm going to say some things that you probably don't want to hear:
  • When you say no to sex with your husband, it feels (to him) like you're rejecting him (not just his body, but all of him)
  • Sex serves a very necessary role in marriage; most particularly in easily fostering emotional intimacy (but it should absolutely be enjoyable for BOTH of you)
  • Not having sex is a habit. Having sex is a habit
  • Sometimes enjoying sex takes a lot less effort than you think.
I am not sure whether you're on birth control (or any other medication) that may have affected your sex drive. My husband and I worked out that most contraceptive pills affect my sex drive so badly that they became pretty much pointless :grin2:. Talk to your doctor or gynae about your sex drive. Things may improve with very little effort on your part...

I want to share one or two other more practical things that worked for me when I was in a similar space to yours. I apologise in advance if this is too much information. But what the heck ... you can't see me blush.

When you are really not in the mood for sex (too sore, too angry etc.) then don't try and force yourself. But offer an alternative that involves you and the gift of your body (physical affection) If your husband is masturbating, then offer to hold him while he does so. Stroke his body, take pleasure in watching his pleasure. Because he's caught up in sensation, you can touch him in a way you wouldn't usually (because this would normally mean that then you'd have to have sex with him!) This is a good time to remind yourself that you like his body, the feel of his skin under your fingers and the fact that he belongs to you. If you're into being dominated by an alpha male, then persuade him to sit astride you when he does this. Let him finish on you. Yes, this can be messy; but for me, it was worth it. I shared in and heightened his pleasure by participating. Not as good as full sex for either of us, but it was enough to tide us both over...

You spoke about wanting 'romance'. Imagine that when your husband is getting into bed and 'sexually assaulting' you , what he is actually trying to do is reach out and touch you. Not just with his body, but with all of him. Because he is a man, he will try and use his penis to do this. :wink2: When you feel that he's going to reach out to you, do it first. Because you made the first move, you get to set the tone. Put your arms around him and ask him to hold you. Tell him how much you miss being held by him. Tell him you love him, but that you're too tired for sex. What you really want though, is to fall asleep with him holding you.

I agree that sex is not a husband's 'right'. But it is a gift that you give to each other. A gift that is supposed to feel good when you give it and when you receive it. Sometimes choosing to give that gift is hard. But you have to let go of your resentment and try. And finally (maybe I should have put this in first). I found this not so long ago and wished that I could have read it seven years ago. Maybe I found it for you... How to Overcome Sexual Aversion.
 
#6 ·
Don't kid yourself. If the sex is this much of a problem, your marriage is not good. It's in trouble.

For a man, sex = love. Full stop. I am sure he appreciates your affectionate gestures, efforts at weekend outings, and cooking his native cuisine, but all that combined won't mean nearly as much to him as regular enthusiastic sex.

As others have stated, telling him to visit a prostitute is equivalent to telling him that you no longer love him and don't care what he does as long as he isn't bothering you.

You are aware that partner sex releases some very potent hormones responsible for pair bonding? Do you want him feeling those hormones with you or with someone else?


Maybe skip the motor bike shows/races and movies in favor of scheduling a weekend date that involves a nap followed by a few rounds of sex?
 
#7 ·
To be blunt, the issue started with you, and is now exacerbated (and maintained) by him.

For starters, it's normal that one's sex drive diminishes with pregnancy, kids, working, exhaustion, etc. (real life).

I won't say there's a 'would, coulda, shoulda' here, but... time could have been made for this, yes, even when there's seemingly no time. It's what people do (and not just with sex - with whatever is important to one's spouse).

It obviously got to a point where your husbands very real, very normal needs were not being met, and resentment set in. It probably seemed to him that no matter what he did, how he romanced you, helped you out, how hard he works, how much attention he gave to you to meet YOUR needs, his were not being met.

So now he's at a point where he's fed up, and is initiating in other ways (ie. being overtly blunt) - and you do not react well to that.

In marriage, each person wants different things. There are also many things that are mutual needs/wants, and almost always a number of things that only -they- want. The (not-so) secret to a happy marriage is making sure your partners needs are met, and especially not ignored, forgotten about, or de-valued.

The old saying "happy wife, happy life" works in reverse.

My advice - plan a date, in the very near future, where you will initiate sex and screw his brains out - and follow through, no matter how tired you are. Then continue doing this, I dunno, twice a month. In the meantime, don't be so quick to say no.

I'm not saying he's not at fault here, but one of you has to blink first, and frankly, because you were the one to effectively put a stop to marital sex (whether your fault or not), then you should be the one to start it back up again.
 
#8 ·
OP,
Marriage is a blending of two people with separate and distinct personalities. This blending occurs, in a good marriage, on many levels and physical blending is not the least among them. In fact it is far from it. There are certain chemical reactions to physical intimacy which serve to reinforce the connection between a man and his wife and although a marriage can suffer harm from neglect in any area, physical neglect is arguably the most devastating.

When one marries there are certain expectations and presumptions that can not be disregarded if one expects to maintain a healthy relationship. I suspect that if you are completely honest with yourself and with us you would realize that there is more at work here than simple fatigue. You have, for whatever reason, lost desire for your H and the need to see him happy. Why is this?

Life can sometimes be overwhelming but is it not true that we make time for what we see as important? Are your clothes washed, your groceries purchased and put away, meals cooked and clean up performed? These things are considered important and as such indispensable. Should not the needs and desires of your life partner be as important? Is intimacy with the person you have vowed to forsake all others for not worth as much of your time as laundry?

The real issue here is why have the very real and very important needs of your H become dispensable in your eyes. If you can ascertain the cause then perhaps you can work to correct it, if you can be made to see its importance. Has the thought of intimacy with your H, the father of your children, become so unappealing that you would risk disease, divorce and the total disruption of all lives involved by suggesting that he visit a prostitute? Have you really considered how uncaring and cold this is?

If my wife thought so little of me as to actually suggest that I meet my own needs by copulating with a prostitute I would have no further need for her or my sham of a marriage. If this is how you truly feel then I would suggest that you separate from your H and allow him to find a woman that would consider his masturbating every night unconscionable. Then you would be free to live whatever life you find acceptable perhaps even finding a man you truly love and care for.
 
#9 ·
Thanks all for your opinions, you've bought up so many things I didn't think of.

I haven't sought help, I didn't think there was anything anyone could do. I thought it was just one of those things. I don't take birth control because it makes it alot worse. Probably not worse than it is now though.

I guess dealing with the above will help me address other things. If he uses romance he gets sex. If he shows interest and leads up to it so I don't feel like a hunk of kept chances are hell get it. But in the process of having reduced sex all niceties are out the window. I can understand why I guess he does it but he doesn't get why it upsets me so much.

I was raped at 18 years old and for some reason it just retracts me all the way to there. It's not rational, it's got nothing to do with him but it's still there.

I make time for us, at 10pm I was asking him to come to bed which he avoided. Every night he goes to bed so late, doesn't get up for the baby but then wants sex. If we went to bed earlier, had more romance and in guessing a chat with the gp could make so much difference.

When I said to him he could seek out a prostitute I certainly didn't intend for it to be a hurtful and cold thing. From gauging your reactions to that I shouldn't have said that and I will apologise for that.

I agree with sex being a habit either way, last month he was romantic and we had sex twice a day for 3 consecutive days due 4th day he grabbed at me and it was all over again.

I know I'm the problem, really I know. But I can't seem to escape the problem and then the pressure just makes the problem worse.

We do date nights but again. It's all what he wants to do. His native cuisine, his movies etc maybe this is another reason. I do often feel like I'm living in his bubble of wants and needs and nine totally take a back seat..
 
#14 ·
The above sounds a lot different than your first post. There are issues that can be addressed.

There are two books that I think would help you in talking to him. "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". What I suggest is that you read the book first and work through them from your perspective. Then you ask him to read them with you can he do his part of the work. It will open up dialogue between the two of you.

At some point some marriage counseling might help too.
 
#12 ·
Pressuredauwife,
How often do you two have sex these days?

You are married, have a child, work full time and go to school. It’s way too much for one person so you chose to short change your marriage.

Sex is a very important part of marriage because it is what binds a couple together. When we have sex, our brains produce and uptake dopamine, oxytocin and other feel good hormones. Oxytocin, besides making us feel good, has a very special action. It’s what makes people feel bonded to each other. The most sex a couple has, the more bonded they are. The less sex, the less bonded they are. There are other things that cause our brains to make and uptake oxytocin. For example, just spending time together does it too. But, only in small amounts. With sex the quantities of oxytocin are much higher.

When women stop having sex with their husbands, their oxytocin levels fall very low and the results is exactly what you describe. A woman who has low oxytocin cannot stand to be touched, sex sound awful, etc. It can lead to a woman feeling like she is low drive.

And guess what else is happening… your husband’s levels of oxytocin are way down too. That’s why he’s bugging you so much. It can feel like mental/physical pain when this happens. He’s trying to reconnect. But the more you reject him, the more his bond/love for you will die. You can pretty much expect that he’s going to end up cheating on you. He’s right. He does not need to get a prostitute. He would probably have no problem finding a woman who does not charge for sex and who really wants to be with him.

Your marriage is not good. Your husband has been telling you for a long time that he has a problem with your sex life and you are ignoring his real need. That’s called a bad marriage.

What you are going through is 100% fixable. You would benefit from seeing a counselor, preferably one who is also a sex therapist. You need to figure out how to fix this and get your sex life back.

You have way too much on your plate… marriage, school, work, a young child. Something has to give. All those dates that you plan… how about making a weekly get-away for the two of you to have some romance?
 
#15 ·
We probably average once a month. I like the idea of going away but then there's a thing that tells me I'm going to have to have sex.

I'm going to read the books below and the link posted earlier. I'll also go to the gp and see. I don't want to make him unhappy but it seems the only way I can make him happy is by making myself unhappy which builds resent.

Thanks for all your helpful advice, it seems there's alot more going on that has to be addressed with me. I hope he can give me the space to work things out with a counsellor and GP. I just find the pressure of it all overwhelming which isn't normal anyway
 
#17 ·
I like the idea of going away but then there's a thing that tells me I'm going to have to have sex.
This comment makes it clear that this isn't really a problem about being tired - not anymore. You have a deep-seated resentment towards him at this point. I think it's important that you realize and accept this, because frankly it's on you to fix it.

You have prioritized full-time school and full-time work over your husband and marriage. This is a HUGE mistake in my opinion. Can you cut back to part-time work? Can you delay school until your child is older? However, I don't think any of that will fix the issue because even if you have more time you are still going to recoil from your husband's advances and not want sex. It's not about being tired, as your first post stated. Your subsequent posts have made that clear.

You need to decide what is important to you and then prioritize that. It if it not your marriage, then keep going down this path and you will not have a marriage. Your husband (and you) is/are much too young to be expected to go without sex. You need to address the REAL issues as to why you don't want to be intimate with him. If you don't, then it will be decided for you - guarantee it. Good luck.
 
#16 ·
Sex has become a battle ground and that has to stop!

When you do have sex are you ever aroused?
Do you orgasm during sex?
How has your arousal and orgasm changed since all this conflict began?

You're not alone my dear. This is sadly very common for new mothers to completely loose their sex drive. The resulting conflict can go on for years and it can end the marriage.

You and your H need to have several learning conversations about sex and sexuality.

Google responsive desire in women. Print out a few pages and share with your H, then discuss.

When a woman has responsive desire she doesn't want to have sex unless she is already aroused. And since she isn't aroused when he grabs her hand and places it on his junk..so sexy by the way (NOT) she doesn't want to have sex. For a man, this would be like him not a ting to have sex unless he was erect and since he's not erect he doesn't want sex. But how does he get erect? By being stimulated. How does a woman become aroused? By being stimulated. If you trusted that even though right now you're not aroused, but he will take care of you and you will become aroused and then you WILL want sex, it would be easier for you to agree to sex more often.

For his part, he needs to understand a woman with responsive desire does not experience sexual desire the way a man does. A man thinks about sex and a man wants sex, and then when sex starts he becomes aroused and erect.

A woman doesn't think about sex unless she has a desire for sex and she doesn't have a desire for sex unless she is already aroused.
 
#18 ·
A woman doesn't think about sex unless she has a desire for sex and she doesn't have a desire for sex unless she is already aroused.
I disagree with this statement, especially the last half. I think about sex all the time, probably because I don't get any. I think about it, then get aroused. I have been in an LDR (with a very hot man) for the last almost 15 months.
 
#20 ·
Thank above for your message it made me tear up.

I have way too much on my plate but I can't work out how to reduce it selfishly my studies are my most loved thing, I enjoy it so much I don't want to give them away and financially we can't afford for me to give up working. He is new to this country and is training as a chef so long hours and little pay. I have always made sacrifices for us to be together, he lived in another country and I gave up alot to keep us logistically together and feel that now he is here I want to do the things I love but it's coming at a cost.

He is my best friend, I love him so much and I'm so hurt that I've hurt him. He knows this but I guess in his eyes it's one thing to say and another thing to do and I guess the doing part is making him doubt whether I do love him.

I don't know what changed within me. Pre baby we had a great sex life. Over time we got into a habit of not having sex then that's grown and festered into this **** situation where I'm repulsed, he's hurt and we both aren't getting anywhere. I shouldn't have sex if it makes me uncomfortable but denying him sex is exacerbating these issues.
As a side note - I have to ask - is your husband into porn? When things are good between you - is he a loving, considerate lover? Do you enjoy sex. Do you feel sex brings you closer to him - or does it only feel like a chore for you? Do you orgasm? You say he is from another country - what are the dynamics between men and women in the culture he was raised in?

My husband loves porn, I don't but he knows he is free to watch it. I also tell him to put it on when we have sex. He is a beautiful man. I used to enjoy sex but now I don't it feels like its a chore. I used to orgasm, but now I don't. I get close, he changes whatever he is doing and it goes away. Every time. It never used to be like this.

He is from a Muslim society, he's very liberal from the traditions of Islam and doesn't fit your usual stereotypes of an Islamic man. He's gentle, he's kind, he's loving.
 
#22 ·
I don't know what changed within me. Pre baby we had a great sex life. Over time we got into a habit of not having sex then that's grown and festered into this **** situation where I'm repulsed, he's hurt and we both aren't getting anywhere. I shouldn't have sex if it makes me uncomfortable but denying him sex is exacerbating these issues.

He is a beautiful man. I used to enjoy sex but now I don't it feels like its a chore. I used to orgasm, but now I don't. I get close, he changes whatever he is doing and it goes away. Every time. It never used to be like this.

.

I think you should explore why you think you shouldn't have sex if it makes you uncomfortable. Getting past the ownership of you body, getting past the ideals of sex... Again, seeking the real root of the problem...what level of discomfort indicates sex is a no. Any sort? Mild discomfort? Severe discomfort?

What exactly is making sex uncomfortable for you?

Is it because you no longer enjoy it? That seems reasonable to me.
Is it because you no longer orgasm? That seems like a symptom that needs to be diagnosed.

Having empathy for your husband goes a long way in wanting to figure this out with him.

Be honest and open with him about your concerns and worries about having lost your sex drive completely, about not enjoying sex anymore and especially about not orgasming. This is not a you problem, it's a couple problem.
 
#26 ·
PW,

When a woman no longer has sex with her boyfriend or husband his self-esteem and sense of confidence is frequently destroyed. When my wife does not respond to me there is deep feeling of inadequacy and ineptness, this is where the awkward groping and kissing comes from it's desperation to reestablish yourself as a man.

Groucho Marx is quoted as saying the following, this was said when he was doing very well in his old age, but even then the need to have sex overshadowed all the achievements of his lifetime.

"I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government -- I'd give it all up for one erection."

Tamat
 
#28 ·
@Capricious Yes he does, hes known it very early in our relationship. I think at times it slips to the back of his head unintentionally and because its never really spoken about he may not think of it either. I dont like to talk about it, I feel as though its a reflection of my behaivour. He has never said anything but support when it came up but in the 10 years we havent really spoken about it again.
@mary35 Thank you for your long commited answer, it is so helpful. I think I need to find a good doctor to talk to. Maybe even go back for additional counselling with everything. With time Ill look into the books and sites that everyone has suggested on here. I find it an interesting point about the porn too, its not somethind Ive ever connected any issues with but can see how reality vs fantasy can be so confused. He has always reminded me of how much more beautiful I am post baby, I dont feel like that but he does tell me daily. His love is so pure, Im very lucky to have him. When we do have sex I coach him along the way but realistically I dont think its him, again its my own barriers that are stopping me which this post has made me aware of. I have a good understanding of his culture, can speak the language fluently and lived there for 5 years, generally the area and his immediate family are very respectful to women, probably more so than in the western world. I dont think its a cultural thing this time.
@TAMAT Thanks for your kind response and insight i feel like they are probably the worlds that my husband would speak at this point in time. The man was never prosecuted, due to the laws in that country I would have to prove my innocence rather than he prove his guilt. My consulate advised me of being very careful to prosecute as it would of opened charges against me that realistically could never of been fought. They explained the closure that you would get from a normal legal system wouldnt be the same there andwould potentially cause me further distress and trauma.

I really want to say I do appreciate alll of these comments, in 24 hours youve opened my mind up to so many barriers that I had hidden away. With me receiving help & education and eventually him too I feel as though in the future we will be able to work this out and go back to being in a healthy marriage. When I posted I thought in a way I would get a pity party as a way of supporting me and being encouraged to hold me sexual grounds, with the blame and suggestions saying that I am more responsible for this youve opened up something I wasnt expecting and I am truly greatful. Without such blunt, honests answers we would be in this catch 22 of resentment towards each other or separating.
 
#30 ·
OP,
I think you are in a downward feedback spiral. He is feeling constantly rejected, his needs unmet (1/month is not nearly enough for most people), and reacts with a combination of resentment and and bursts of lust that make him feel even worse when those are rejected. If you have never been regularly denied sex by someone you love, its difficult to imagine how hurtful it is. To make it worse, since you had a good sex life earlier, it will feel to him like a bait and switch - you have your baby, now you no longer need or want him.

To you, it probably seems that all he wants is sex. Whenever he is near you, its is all he cares about. There is little romance, affection etc, all of it is designed to get sex. You are busy, tired - and as others have said, your hormones have changed to the point where you have almost no libido.

He may not leave, but he will be miserable - and it won't get any better. Even if he stops asking for sex, it will be a dry dead marriage - with no joy for you either.

You can't halp how you feel, but you are the only one who can fix this. So what can you do?

If you can find out why you have such negative feelings toward sex and fix them, that will solve everything. Counseling etc.

Provide him with sex / intimacy. He is probably feeling so rejected now that you will have to take the lead. Coax him to bed early enough and just get him off with a BJ. A few minutes a few times a week is not that much effort to try to save your marriage. Once he is comfortable with being intimate again, let him know what he can do to please you. If he doesn't do it, then you have a problem with a selfish husband and you need to re-think things. If he does, then you need to just regularly (3x/week) provide him with some sort of sexual activity - not as as chore, but because (I hope) you still love him and enjoy making him happy. Intercourse is uncomfortable / painful if you are not aroused, but other things are not.

You don't have to do this. But the natural consequence of not regularly having sex with him is that he will feel rejected and resentful. He may leave, he may cheat, or he may suffer through it. He will certainly be unhappy, and if you love him, you can't be happy if he is unhappy.
 
#31 ·
@mary35 hit it out of the park. OP you are getting good advice early enough to work WITH your H to have a long, happy marriage.

Talk, talk, talk and reassure your H. Let him know this will take time to work through but that you want to get back to the place where you are H and W but also great lovers. I think this is VERY important - you have to visualize a future where you two are intimate lovers several times a week if you are to ever realize that.

Make no mistake - most men require sex daily or more. That fact seems lost in our society. If you think of it that way, you will realize you have a huge opportunity to take that need and change it to a loving, bonding experience.

I have been dating or married to my W over 30 years. We went through what you are experiencing. BUT... I didn't push hard enough to end it and we lost many years where we could have been even closer.

Now my w understands and I understand responsive desire. I wake her up nightly and we do SOMETHING - anything - that involves sex and intimacy. If it's only 10 minutes it's 10 minutes well spent because we both want the passionate intimacy. I can tell you the bonding is true and worth working for.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#32 ·
Look most of us have been there too. Babies crying at 2AM, working full time, all while trying to enjoy life in marriage. But, you are treating your husband like a rapist. You said it yourself that you feel like he is sexually assaulting you. When my wife rejected me, I told her in therapy that she was making me feel like a rapist. She had no idea the damage she was causing to our marriage. Honestly, the one thing that makes a marriage unique is the love and sex. Shared activities are not a replacement. My wife thought our life and marriage was perfect. Until I said I hate this life and want a divorce. It took me 15 years to get to that point. Sooner or later most people get there. You don't have a marriage, let alone a good one. The number one expectation of most men in marriage is sexual fulfillment. #1. This is how most men express their love. Think about what you are doing to his love for you by rejecting it. You are destroying it. You should have the guts to offer him a fair divorce if you can't get past your issues, not a prostitute. I can't believe you did that. That's a tacit acknowledgement by you that you don't have a marriage. You are SO LUCKY that he is still trying because once he stops, he has given up. He will no longer find you attractive because all he sees when he looks at you is pain and rejection. Once he gets there, it will be difficult to avoid divorce.

You have to get a good sex therapist and work through your issues. And make time for your marriage or else you won't have one.
 
#33 ·
Get some individual counseling. You've mentioned that you know on some level the rape is coming into play in your mind, but you've also said that you avoid discussing it or thinking about it. I'd recommend dealing with it if I were you. Then you can look at marriage counseling if it's still needed at that point.
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#34 ·
Good that you know there is a problem.

when my wife refuses over and over, my resentment grows. I feel rejected.

I feel distance in the marriage and in the relationship. Sorry that your resentment is growing. Makes me wonder about my wife, if she has the same resentment.

But If I ever wait for her to initiate, nothing will ever happen.

Hope you find the time for a good MC, one that also discusses the problem with the lack of sex. It is a very important language of love between a married couple.

Good luck to you and your family.
 
#37 ·
I am well within my rights to refuse sex.
A US Supreme court judge once said, "Just because you have a right to do something does not always mean that it is always the right thing to do."

If you feel like your husband is being too sexually aggressive, don't simply refuse sex, instead show him what you need to feel loved.
 
#38 ·
It sounds like yet another common occurrence of the woman working her ass off 24/7 trying to be Super Woman and be all things to all people while her selfish, lazy ass husband can't be bothered to lift a finger.

And here you are now running around like a trained seal trying to fix what he clearly HELPED to break with his complete lazy selfishness. And in typical fashion, once again it's only YOU doing the work trying to fix it. Not surprised.

You mention right in your first post how you work full time, study full time, and the responsibility for the baby (and no doubt everything else in the household) falls on YOUR shoulders. Because he works longer hours - though it's probably equal to your full time hours and your school hours combined - you're STILL working 1000 times harder doing everything else at home and taking care of an infant. He seems to think being a male precludes him from doing a damned thing once he gets home. Since you're doing it ALL, you're exhausted by the time you get to bed and here's this selfish Neanderthal groping you and demanding that you please him.

No wonder you don't want to touch him. I wouldn't want to either.

I know a lot of people are jumping on the rape bandwagon as the problem here, but I get the clear impression that your husband's demanding nature about sex is what's triggering these rape issues for you now, but they don't appear to have been what originally started this descent to a sexless marriage. I believe resentment - and exhaustion - is what started your sexless situation.

Seriously, OP. Stop jumping around like a trained seal for a selfish assclown who seems to think it's his birthright that you work your fingers to the bone every single day while he does nothing but expect MORE from you.
 
#39 ·
Needing help & understanding

@She'sStillGotIt you sound very angry and seem to be projecting a very negative view of men. I hope you see that. I see nothing wrong with the content of your post but I don't assume ANOTHER lazy man exists on the planet. If you believe that, you are likely to see what you believe.

Personally I don't consider that help and understanding but that could just be me and my life experience in positive relationships [edit to add] which have all sorts of problems and challenges over time that must be jointly resolved with respect for one another.


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#40 ·
Re: Needing help & understanding

@She'sStillGotIt you sound very angry and seem to be projecting a very negative view of men. I hope you see that.
I thought the same. I don't see her as Superwoman, I see her as someone that prioritized school, kids, and work over her marriage. And I see a woman that knows she has trauma but is failing to seek help for herself. All we can do from the internets is to point it out. It is for OP to act on it to change her life. ... is the husband lazy? maybe, maybe not...
 
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