Word to the Wise - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 04:57 PM
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Re: Word to the Wise

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Originally Posted by wringo123 View Post
I have suggested watching it together and he was somewhat receptive. I set it up to make it as easy as possible for him, but in the end he wouldn't do it. We have talked about what it is that he gets from it and it was difficult for him, but he did tell me. I won't give the specifics, but the first thing you listed is pretty close. Actually, the stuff I have found that he watches is pretty vanilla stuff considering all the crap that is out there. It's not soft core by any means, but nothing bizarre or extreme. And over the years, it seems to have been pretty stable...ie not escalating into the more extreme stuff.

One thing we did try that was somewhat successful was doing sensate focus exercises. I wouldn't say that he was enthusiastic but he went along with the program for awhile. We never progressed any farther than just touching, but even that was a pretty big step forward. We were doing it pretty regularly..once a week or so.. then he got sick, then I got sick, then we had house guests, then we were guests at someone else's house and it just stopped. He didn't bring it back up and every time I thought about it, it became less and less appealing. That is kind of what brought me to where I am at now, when I realized that I just didn't care enough anymore to be the one to bring it up and make all the effort to make it happen
.
That actually sounds very positive given how ugly most things can tend to be!

If your husband was uncomfortable watching porn with you, it is because he feels you will be too harsh and judgmental if he fully allows you into that world.

In the event you want to continue to try somehow... Since his behavior with porn is problematic, you should not enable that pattern of behavior. Instead you may want to find a way to let him know that you care about him and that he should trust you enough to not be ashamed.

Since you know what kind of porn he likes, if you are brave enough you could make a video of yourself doing something solo that you know he would enjoy watching later while he is alone. The purpose of that would be to allow him to experience his sexual ritual (whatever that may be) in privacy, but with the idea of you there in a way that is very present and conveying a message that you want to participate with him in a caring, trusting, and loving way. If you have never done this for him before, it would be an experience of shock and awe for him for which he should be very open to discussing if he was able to appreciate it.

In the event you are not comfortable doing something like that, or fear that such a video may be shared/copied without your permission then don't do it, or talk to your husband first and ask him to help you with that aspect of things if he is interested.

While I know it is difficult to get the motivation to be the one that has to do something to make things happen, you sound like someone that would regret walking away if there was something you could have done to get his attention and help him finally open up to you, and start being closer to you instead of porn.

Perhaps this is a bad idea, but at least it might help give you an extra way to look at things and come up with an even better idea of you own.

Sincerely,
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post #47 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 05:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Word to the Wise

@badsanta, thanks. I really appreciate all of your input.
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post #48 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 05:24 PM
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Re: Word to the Wise

I am only writing from my own experience but my H did not like me making porn - in theory it is a good idea. But he was very compartmentalised in wife/porn that it did nothing for him and set us a few steps back because of me feeling rejected/inadequate. It is risky, but certainly worth a try with cautionary notes.
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post #49 of 56 (permalink) Old 09-30-2016, 08:05 PM
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Re: Word to the Wise

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I am only writing from my own experience but my H did not like me making porn - in theory it is a good idea. But he was very compartmentalised in wife/porn that it did nothing for him and set us a few steps back because of me feeling rejected/inadequate. It is risky, but certainly worth a try with cautionary notes.
In my opinion explicit videos within the context of two spouses learning to communicate and trust one another should not be called porn. The video in this case would just be a tool used to communicate while at the same time respecting each other's privacy.

But as @peacem mentioned, some may find this type of idea unsettling, particularly in the event the husband does not like it for whatever reason and the resulting rejection could be painful. For that reason it would be a good idea to talk with your husband first and make sure that he is not only open to the idea but may even have some requests such as some sort of role playing theme.
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post #50 of 56 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 07:22 PM
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Re: Word to the Wise

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In my opinion explicit videos within the context of two spouses learning to communicate and trust one another should not be called porn. The video in this case would just be a tool used to communicate while at the same time respecting each other's privacy.



But as @peacem mentioned, some may find this type of idea unsettling, particularly in the event the husband does not like it for whatever reason and the resulting rejection could be painful. For that reason it would be a good idea to talk with your husband first and make sure that he is not only open to the idea but may even have some requests such as some sort of role playing theme.


Second. Instructional stuff like this is education.


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post #51 of 56 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Word to the Wise

I have battled depression off and on my whole adult life and I don't recall being this down in ages. This whole situation has me dissecting every decision that I have made that got me to this place. It isn't a new revelation to me that I have always settled and have always been willing to accept less than what I deserve, but that knowledge is leaving me feeling defeated and depressed like I haven't felt in a long time.

Staying detached is just making me feel worse, but I also know that if I let myself get sucked in to keep trying with him that I will just end up getting disappointed again and the thought of that is just about more than I can bear.

Sorry having a bit of a pity party today...doesn't help that I am sick
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post #52 of 56 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: Word to the Wise

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I have battled depression off and on my whole adult life and I don't recall being this down in ages. This whole situation has me dissecting every decision that I have made that got me to this place. It isn't a new revelation to me that I have always settled and have always been willing to accept less than what I deserve, but that knowledge is leaving me feeling defeated and depressed like I haven't felt in a long time.
It's hard to keep moving when you hate your life. I know. But, you can't beat yourself up over his choices. You're obviously a kind, thoughtful, rational, and caring person. These are all very attractive qualities. Don't sell yourself short. Put yourself first. If there is a purpose to life, it is to experience the warmth and love of a partner that cares for you. Don't give up on that.

... pity party cancelled!
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post #53 of 56 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Word to the Wise

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Not sure I agree with any of this at all.

Many couples will find that pornography (in moderation) enhances their intimacy. The same can be said about masturbation I the in your own or with a partner.
There are many men whose primary sex life is the internet and it does interfere with their marriage. I have no doubt about that. However, like anything else, in moderation, porn can enhance a sex life. I look at porn a little bit each week and my wife reads explicit romance novels. Makes us both horny so we have sex more often.

If you read my profile you will note that we were in a non monogamous marriage and so we avoided many of the problems that those in traditional marriages face. Surprisingly enough we never had a problem due to our type of marriage but I never recommend my kind of marriage because most never work out like mine did. My wife just remarked that we never even had an argument with the woman we shared. Hard for others to believe, but for us it was just our normal life and we gave it no more thought than a monogamous couple does. Just wanted to give you a little background.

What I want to say is that porn may not be the problem. Porn may be your husband's solution to the real problem. You may eliminate the porn and masturbation, but if the problem is that he wants sex differently or more often than you are willing to do, the problem has not gone away. I am an oldtimer and there is little I have not done sexually. I have heard many husbands and wives complain that their spouse refuses to do certain things sexually. Could be anything as mainstream as oral sex to the more exotic fetishes. Some men and women will cheat to get their sexual needs met, while most will turn to porn or romance novels. Even if sexual needs are met, most of us still enjoy erotic thoughts whether seen or read. We are hardwired that way.

Just be aware that you are dealing with a chicken and egg situation and have to figure out which came first, the porn or a problem in your sex life. If your husband is into a fetish and you are not, removing his outlet to satisfy his fetish can result in a larger problem than you originally had.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality. Most accept whatever morality they are born into, much like religion and then somehow feel that theirs is the true path and are superior to others with different beliefs.
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post #54 of 56 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: Word to the Wise

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Originally Posted by wringo123 View Post
I have battled depression off and on my whole adult life and I don't recall being this down in ages. This whole situation has me dissecting every decision that I have made that got me to this place. It isn't a new revelation to me that I have always settled and have always been willing to accept less than what I deserve, but that knowledge is leaving me feeling defeated and depressed like I haven't felt in a long time.

Staying detached is just making me feel worse, but I also know that if I let myself get sucked in to keep trying with him that I will just end up getting disappointed again and the thought of that is just about more than I can bear.

Sorry having a bit of a pity party today...doesn't help that I am sick

You should explain exactly this to your husband, and tell him that if you are going to keep trying to improve things in your marriage, but that you can ONLY do so with his help.


It is one thing to argue with a spouse and insist that they need to stop watching porn, but it is something completely different to ask your spouse for some extra compassion because you are hurting and need his help.

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post #55 of 56 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 09:17 AM
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Re: Word to the Wise

Before we were married 18 years ago my wife and I used to watch porn sometimes as a type of foreplay and other times it was rolling while we were rolling. Nothing extreme, but anything from couples porn, threesomes, and lesbian (her idea). My gal was smoking hot and wanted sex all the time. Over the last 10 years she has been putting on weight......enough that it is now a turnoff. She knows it and I know it. I still love the woman on the inside, but just don't feel the desire to be sexual. I'm angry that, although she has known from day one that weight is a HUGE issue for me, she has let herself go.

I still have desires and needs, so I take care of them myself.....sometimes with just my thoughts and our old memories, and other times with porn. I'm not lusting after the women in the porn, but I ALWAYS picture that my wife is that woman doing the things we used to do.

If I missed it I apologize but how much physically has the OP changed? Men are visual creatures and we are wired that way.
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post #56 of 56 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 02:10 PM
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Re: Word to the Wise

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If I missed it I apologize but how much physically has the OP changed? Men are visual creatures and we are wired that way.
I agree *excessive* weight gain is preventable and we should all do our best to be as sexually attractive as possible. We are all visual regardless of gender but to a certain degree we have to accept that our partners are not going to stay 22 forever, will not have perfect young bodies forever, or the sexual energy that we used to have. If we focus exclusively on physical changes then the sexual desire we have for our partners will quickly fade for us all. I think being visually attracted to my spouse has a 10% role - much of my attraction to him comes from a deeper, more spiritual level that I can't quite explain. I think if the problems of the OP relationship was based on aesthetics alone then it probably isn't worth saving anyway because it is a very tenuous connection to hold onto. No, I suspect there is a lot more complexity going on with her H that maybe he doesn't quite understand himself yet, or something he does understand and is keeping secret.
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