How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 01-04-2009, 03:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

I was much more sexually experienced than my husband when we met. As he's not ever going to sleep with anyone else and as there's certain things we don't do sexually I'm going to remain the more experienced.

Early on in the relationship I told him in general the various things I've done, just to be up front. Basically I made clear that i enjoyed the vast majority of them that I wasn't ashamed of anything, I was in a relationship with him now and I was willing to move on.

Anywho a few weeks ago we were in bed and he was reading a book and he turned around and asked me about group sex. I was totally gobsmacked, the novel he was reading touched on it, he was curious and since he had somebody in bed beside him that had experience with it he decided he'd turn around and ask her to expand on a point. If anybody else is thinking that's weird well after four years how hubbies mind works still surprises him.

So I basically refused to give details I just told him myself and a mate had sex with 3 blokes one time, that there were a particular set of circumstances leading up to it, and that if he wanted any details on group sex he should research it himself (in a book).Anywho afterwards I thought again about it and seeing he seemed genuinely curious and it hadn't been an unpleasant experience for me I described it to him in a bit more detail. A lot of the questions I couldn't even answer anyway it tended to be about the motivations rather than the actual act itself.

The thought of group sex doesn't really do anything for him sexually I'm fairly sure. I think its just so far outside his experience he was curious. I asked him afterwards if my describing previous sexual encounters might affect the way he thought about me. When he said no I believed firstly because he's quite truthful and secondly his mind doesn't work like that.

Anywho what does everybody else think?
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Old 01-04-2009, 04:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

my H knows everything about my sexual activity, doesnt bother him in the slightest.
we both were lucky (my opinion) to have had experiences with others before we met.
but my nature is just an open and honest person.
i dont do skeletons, they find there way out of the closet at some point when you least want them.
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Old 01-04-2009, 04:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

Eeek... I didn't have any sexual experience before Collin, since I met him at 16!

I think this has more to do with timing more than anything else, not a lack of, um, "naughtiness" on my part.

Though I have wondered once in a blue moon... what if I had had experience before him? Would I compare the two in terms of enjoyment, even involuntarily? What if a previous partner had been better in the sack then DH? That would niggle at more for the rest of my marriage, I think.
 
Old 01-04-2009, 04:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

I am not opposed to discussing past encounters, but if my wife doesn't ask, then I assume she doesn't want to know, so I don't bring it up.

Besides, we've been married 12 years now and I don't think there's too much we don't know about each other. But we have, as I am sure all couples do, asked the question to satisfy our curiosity. Sometimes it can also bit a bit of a turn-on knowing what your partner has done in the past.
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Old 01-04-2009, 07:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

I do not, and will not, give any details about my prior experiences with my H. He is not the type to take things at face value or realize that they were in the past and that was then. If he was know of some of my past I'm sure he would be quite offended. For that reason I choose not to share.
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Old 01-04-2009, 09:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

Lostluv you bring up a good point....you should know your spouse better than anyone else. Do what you think is best (based on openness, intimacy, how they will take it, etc). For us, we have 100% openness. The lack of candid discussions about sex in general (and how she missed out – me being her first) was a big issue for us to overcome. We did – just celebrated 10 years 2 days ago.
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Old 01-05-2009, 01:45 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

TGolbus, I absolutely agree with you, it really depends on where you are in your relationship and how the two of you are most comfortable!

My Hubby and I are very open about past relationships as we are both on our second marriage, but that said it can also become too open. Not everything in your past needs to be shared out right.

I now only tell if asked directly. After all it is the past
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Old 01-05-2009, 07:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

both my wife and I have never discussed past experiences. We had a buddy of mine and his wife over one night and he got drunk and started talking in detail about an experience he and i had with two girls one night years prior. i could tell it was upsetting my wife even though it was years before i knew her. after they left, she sexually attacked me and it was a top 3 sex session of all time with her. i never understood why she got so turned on, maybe she realized other women may be interested in me or she wanted to prove to me she could be better than anyone else, i don't know. if she was to seriously ask me i would tell her anything she wants to know about my past, but i am not gonna offer it up.

on the other side, i am not sure i want to know about her sexual past. its probably best i never know the full details although i am fairly certain there is nothing overly steamy as she has always been a "good girl" type. but i guess ya never know.
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Old 01-08-2009, 03:19 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

im a "good girl" type.

well thats what i tell myself.
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Old 01-08-2009, 07:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justean View Post
im a "good girl" type.

well thats what i tell myself.

but it isn't what you tell us
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Old 01-08-2009, 09:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

Quote:
Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
but it isn't what you tell us
ahhh theres always a but..................
i stil see myself as the good girl, im honest and genuine.
thats the good girl stuff.
despite my nature and character, im not that bad and my only vice is enjoying sex. so not that bad when you consider all the vices out there.
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Old 01-08-2009, 12:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

My wife and I know the basic statistics of each other, but not the dirty details of it all.
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Old 01-09-2009, 10:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

sarah.rslp,
when we were first married, my wife is the one who brought up past relationships and wanted to know about mine. So i told her, withholding a few wildones. And then she told me, withholding a couple of people or conditions.
Then we came clean later with more details as we became more comfortable. I and she, did not know if the other one would get jelous.. She had anal sex, which i have never done that. So it was a little bit of a shocker. like wow..
I don't know to this day why she wanted to know.
I don't have a problem sharing past with your spouse. If you can't be honest and vulnerable with your so called, " best freind," then who can you talk to? I would never have brought that up to her but since she brought it up, i was open to it.
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Old 01-15-2009, 04:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

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I do not, and will not, give any details about my prior experiences with my H. He is not the type to take things at face value or realize that they were in the past and that was then. If he was know of some of my past I'm sure he would be quite offended. For that reason I choose not to share.
And did that work for you? I would think that the basics would not be a problem - how many partners, just basics. I think the danger is in too much details, which can lead to images being created in the guys head - and the distructive retroactive jealousy that can occur causing pain for both partners.
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Old 01-15-2009, 04:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How much of your sexual History do you tell your husband/wife?

You make a good argument for telling the truth up front. The trick is then to forget it and move on. I am fearful that there is comparing, and that I would come out are not as good. My wife ended up boasting about in and making things up since she was embarrised about the real story - it was more quick and dirty, and she made it out like it was wonderful. Then later she tried to tell me the truth, but never did - thinking that it would not matter anyway. Well it did matter, since she never told me how she felt about us, I did the comparing - and felt awful. You can say this was a case of bad communication - but it also is a case that men (like me) tend to had a large ego and want to be the 1st, best, biggest, greatest lovers for their mate - and may need some reassurance of that along the way. Stating a slanted past - then leaving it there without any positive reinforcement of the guy you are with can help produce a disaster.
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