[I'mAllIn]

Originally Posted by aug

Have you tried taking all your clothes off, walk up to him, smack him a few times across the face and then kick him in the groin? Walk away, look back at him and wink.

Smart@ss!

[I'mAllIn]

Originally Posted by that_girl

I would think it will be a slow work up to the type of sex you want, seeing that he isn't the aggressive type.

How rough do you want it? My husband and I like it rough, but he's a "take it" kind of guy, which I like. It's hard to fake that.

I would say to mention it to him, that you think it would be fun to have him get aggressive in bed and then talk about what that means. Don't be worried if he doesn't do it for a while...it has to come from within to really make it good. He'll have to work himself up to it to make it 'real'.

Or maybe he'll blow your mind and say he wants to do it too

In order to not be overly graphic I'll just say that I want it rough enough that I'm not interested in a "safe word". That's why I wonder if he'd ever be comfortable with it.

Originally Posted by sigma1299

I'mAllIn - My wife tells me the same thing you are telling your H and as has been said - it's a hard paradigm to change. My hard wired programming to never harm a woman or even be disrespectful makes it an extremely uncomfortable place for me to go which we all know is not conducive to good sex. It's not that I don't want to - I'll give anything a try that's important to her. We seem to wind up in this same place where I'll try lightly smacking her on the butt or pinching her nipples a little harder and she'll say it's good but we seem to get stuck there. I don't know if she doesn't know what she wants beyond that, if she doesn't know how to say it, or just thinks its my job to figure it out. The thing is it's such a paradigm shift that I need some hard core (no pun intended) encouragement and direction at least the first time or two. Once I can get some idea of what the playing field looks like I'll take it from there but it's just so different from the way I've been programmed that I need a couple of road signs to start.

So my advice would be to talk to him and when he does something right let him know - over the top - make sure he knows you like what he's doing. It may defeat the purpose a time or two but maybe he'll catch on and take over once he builds just a little comfort. IMO the safe word is a good idea, I asked my wife about this and she blew it off. If we had it in place I would feel much better about pushing the boundaries with less direction from her.

Road signs it is then. I'm always the one saying we should be able to communicate, so I guess it's time to take the lead on this. I'll just either tell him what I'm thinking and see what his reaction is, or try the texting idea that NiceGuy had.

[SadSamIAm]

If it is rough, you need a 'safe word'.

I take it this is a fantasy, where in the end, you are still alive.

[sigma1299]

Originally Posted by I'mAllIn

In order to not be overly graphic I'll just say that I want it rough enough that I'm not interested in a "safe word". That's why I wonder if he'd ever be comfortable with it.

The safe word isn't for you - it's for him. It gives him some comfort that if he does push to far you can tell him. After all in rough sex no can mean yes right?? If he's like me he's so scared of hurting you or doing something that you find demeaning or just painful that he's frozen. If there's a safe word in place as long as you don't say it he can have some reassurance that it's still green lights.

[nice777guy]

Originally Posted by I'mAllIn

In order to not be overly graphic I'll just say that I want it rough enough that I'm not interested in a "safe word". That's why I wonder if he'd ever be comfortable with it.




Road signs it is then. I'm always the one saying we should be able to communicate, so I guess it's time to take the lead on this. I'll just either tell him what I'm thinking and see what his reaction is, or try the texting idea that NiceGuy had.

You understand - the safeword is something like "Banana" or "Orangutan" - right? Not "no" or "please stop"!!!

Just like you have a small fear of scaring him with your fantasy - he will also have a fear of scaring you with his. That safeword will keep him comfy.

[I'mAllIn]

Originally Posted by SadSamIAm

If it is rough, you need a 'safe word'.

I take it this is a fantasy, where in the end, you are still alive.

Yes indeed, at the end of the fantasy in my head I am still alive to enjoy it again another day

Originally Posted by nice777guy

You understand - the safeword is something like "Banana" or "Orangutan" - right? Not "no" or "please stop"!!!

Just like you have a small fear of scaring him with your fantasy - he will also have a fear of scaring you with his. That safeword will keep him comfy.

Ok, I get it, a safe word it is.
Being married to a woman who came into the marriage with an instinctive, hardwired and completely unhealthy need to remain in control at all times he learned a long time ago that he'd have to push "no" and "please stop" a little for either of us to enjoy the sex, so I guess that's probably a very good idea.

[Halien]

To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that. But he needs a safe word, and maybe some more subtle verbal signals from you along the way that you are okay with it. Make it taunting words, but I think that he needs to ramp up those agressive feelings, urged on by your signals, to let him know that it is safe to continue.

I wonder if the mental block is also linked to the way he touches you. Like the distinction between touching and pushing, holding. How about letting it get a little more intense in the shower together first? He could get used to the idea of 'handling' you physically through intense sex, and making sure that your feet don't touch the floor. Kitchen sex?

To be honest, my wife and I have always enjoyed a pretty physical sex life, with it a little rough.

[sigma1299]

Originally Posted by Halien

To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that. But he needs a safe word, and maybe some more subtle verbal signals from you along the way that you are okay with it. Make it taunting words, but I think that he needs to ramp up those agressive feelings, urged on by your signals, to let him know that it is safe to continue.

I wonder if the mental block is also linked to the way he touches you. Like the distinction between touching and pushing, holding. How about letting it get a little more intense in the shower together first? He could get used to the idea of 'handling' you physically through intense sex, and making sure that your feet don't touch the floor. Kitchen sex?

To be honest, my wife and I have always enjoyed a pretty physical sex life, with it a little rough.

Interesting - hadn't thought of it like that....

You know the more I know about the whole "nice guy" thing the more I think I may be one.

[I'mAllIn]

Originally Posted by Halien

To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that. But he needs a safe word, and maybe some more subtle verbal signals from you along the way that you are okay with it. Make it taunting words, but I think that he needs to ramp up those agressive feelings, urged on by your signals, to let him know that it is safe to continue.

I wonder if the mental block is also linked to the way he touches you. Like the distinction between touching and pushing, holding. How about letting it get a little more intense in the shower together first? He could get used to the idea of 'handling' you physically through intense sex, and making sure that your feet don't touch the floor. Kitchen sex?

To be honest, my wife and I have always enjoyed a pretty physical sex life, with it a little rough.

I have seen him get angry enough at men to push, but only a handful of times in 20 years, and most of those times were the result of the men pushing or disrespecting me.
We do most definitely have "intense sex" often already. He isn't really a missionary position/slow & easy kind of guy. I guess I just need to make it clearer that it's ok to push it farther.

Along the lines of signals and taunting words, I have considered the following "game", and wonder if you guys think it would work or not. The idea actually came from the MMSL blog and the idea that he needs his wife to not be so "easy" sometimes. I've considered one night when we've been texting and teasing all day starting a "play fight", come on to him and then say no, tease and run, and see if he'll finally forcefully take what he wants. Could end very very well, but might not. What are my chances?

[DanF]

My wife and I are slowly and carefully exploring the rougher and riskier side of sex.
I am the sexually adventurous one, so I am going extremely slow with it.
It has progressed only to the "f**k me hard" and "ooh harder" stage from her right now. I think it will continue to get a little rougher slowly, because she does enjoy it, but I think the old ways are really hard for her to change.
My advice is to take it slowly and gradually. I doubt he'll break out the whip and nipple clamps right away, but he might later if you bring him in slowly.

[Halien]

Originally Posted by I'mAllIn

I have seen him get angry enough at men to push, but only a handful of times in 20 years, and most of those times were the result of the men pushing or disrespecting me.
We do most definitely have "intense sex" often already. He isn't really a missionary position/slow & easy kind of guy. I guess I just need to make it clearer that it's ok to push it farther.

Along the lines of signals and taunting words, I have considered the following "game", and wonder if you guys think it would work or not. The idea actually came from the MMSL blog and the idea that he needs his wife to not be so "easy" sometimes. I've considered one night when we've been texting and teasing all day starting a "play fight", come on to him and then say no, tease and run, and see if he'll finally forcefully take what he wants. Could end very very well, but might not. What are my chances?

This could get you closer, I think. I can definately tell when my wife is in the mood for a little rougher sex. She'll be teasing, but tell me that she's not sure I'm man enough, or will pretend to have changed her mind, yet in a way that is obviously not what she wants. I get a little physical, tearing off the clothes, and well .. you get the idea. Of coures, I've also made love to her when she was really upset with me, and its a little more real, and intense.

I don't personally get into choking or anything, though. Just a former tough guy.

[Sawney Beane]

Originally Posted by Halien

To be honest, I attended a conservative church for many years after marriage, and I'm a guy, but just don't understand what goes on in the mind of a 'nice guy' sometimes. Has he ever gotten mad enough at another guy that he just started pushing? He has to channel that.

Halien, I'm not sure how this helps. Most men, if pushed hard enough / in the wrong way by another man will push back, but the idea of NOT doing it to a woman is so deeply ingrained that no matter what the provocation they won't. To suggest he gets to the point that he's so wound up he's prepared to do something he would probably regret afterwards isn't a long-term plan.

[Sawney Beane]

Originally Posted by I'mAllIn

Along the lines of signals and taunting words, I have considered the following "game", and wonder if you guys think it would work or not. The idea actually came from the MMSL blog and the idea that he needs his wife to not be so "easy" sometimes. I've considered one night when we've been texting and teasing all day starting a "play fight", come on to him and then say no, tease and run, and see if he'll finally forcefully take what he wants. Could end very very well, but might not. What are my chances?

If he's grown up with the idea that no means no, no matter what, how or anything else, all you'll do it make him resentful. He'll perceive you as a teasing something, and be on here complaining about the mixed messages you send, feeling totally certain that if he pursues once you say "No" he's going to find himself, divorced, jailed, stabbed or all three.

[committed_guy]

If I were in that situation it would be a matter of communication and easing into it. Maybe ask him to do some light spanking or bondage. They make some very unassuming, yet secure, bondage accessories now that use velcro. Ropes and leather are too hard core for me but if she go that and told me to secure her I could handle that. Or start by asking him to hold your wrists next time.

Maybe write him a story including your fantasy and leave it on his pillow? Put your perfume on it and big red lip marks.

Or if you guys are able to talk about bedroom stuff outside of the bedroom (I mean in a non-sexual setting) then ask him what his fantasies are, then tell him yours. Start slow and see what his reaction is. Maybe make it a game where over the length of a weekend he has to spank you but the timing and place are up to him.

[Almostrecovered]

the problem with safe words is that the wife can't speak when she's getting choked

(I'm kidding!!)